Just thought I should leave a link here of where my fabulous journey continues. As this Blog Site comes to an end…another begins…
Hope to see you there! -Pooks
Just thought I should leave a link here of where my fabulous journey continues. As this Blog Site comes to an end…another begins…
Hope to see you there! -Pooks
Well here I am, writing again. Twice in one day. Actually, now it’s past midnight, so technically it’s the next day. I just think of it as the same day because I have not slept yet.
The reason for me writing again is because my biological family had a bit of a scare tonight. We almost lost someone valuable to us.
My cousin found out that her mother was hospitalized, and that she was drinking and nearly froze to death. My heart sank when I read that on Facebook. As I’ve mentioned before, freezing to death is how two of my uncles passed away, and my grandmother.
My aunt and my uncle are the only elders left of the Kings. There’s only two left standing. And the way I see it, they are the closest connections I got to my deceased Mother, and any family history that we may have. So yes, it would be a tragic loss if either of those two were to die.
The good news is, my aunt is okay, and is recovering.
My cousin is pretty hurt, angry, sad, worried…a whole bunch of emotions regarding my aunts addiction to alcohol. Understandable, it is her mother in the hospital. Of coarse she’s going to be frantic.
Sadly substance abuse is how a lot of our people cope with life as a native. Many residential school survivors use substances to bury the pain and trauma. It’s not really an excuse, but the truth of our cultures past reality. It clearly still has an impact to this day. Very devastating.
I remember when I went up north for the family reunion, My Aunt, another relative and I went to the bar. My aunt did drink quite a bit. I don’t think she remembers telling me what she told me regarding her own experiences in a residential school. She kept her head down, her back hunched, what I saw and heard was a woman in severe emotional pain. I listened and hugged her. What she shared with me, I will not repeat. I think she trusted me with that, which is why she told me. That is her truth, that I hope she can gain the courage to share wide open one day. Anyways, I didn’t drink that night. I drank lots of Pepsi and 7Up though. It’s a good thing too, because I was able to walk my Aunt back to where we were staying. Too bad nobody sober was with her this time around.
Regardless, I am glad she is okay, and that we didn’t lost another King. I worry about those two, my Aunt and my Uncle. They are homeless. So yeah, it’s hard to keep track of where they are, and how they’re doing.
However, there is a way to help somewhat, by helping their local emergency shelter. I just checked the Aviva website, even though the shelter didn’t fund-raise enough, or get enough votes, there’s still an option to donate to the Red Lake Area Emergency Shelter. So if you can donate, please do. Miigwech in advance.
I think I’ll finish this post off with a poem written by my Aunt. One of my favorites. If you like it, find her on FB and inquire about her book; A Book of Poetry. Anyways, here it goes;
An Indians Tears
In the realm of my dreams
no artistry comes to mind this artist has become blind
eyes that once shone with pride
behind dark glasses, they now hide
memories of days gone by
remembering, she begins to cry
“Indians don’t cry”, so they say
their pride won’t let them anyway
Too often I have cried in sorrow
wishing only for a better tomorrow
this Indian woman is not too proud to cry
you have witnessed my tears, and yet, don’t ask “why?”
is it out of respect or out of shame
that you huddle close, as you whisper my name
Don’t worry yourselves so
for I already know
my tears are a hindrance to you all
But, they will continue to fall
who knows when this face will smile again
who will be around to ease the pain
no answers reach my ears
as your eyes now too, fill with tears
don’t hang your heads in shame
for, our tears have a name
© 2008 Sarah Jane King
Thanks for reading. I know my family has it’s problems, but I love them. Society played it’s part when it comes to colonialism. There’s no doubt about that. So there is no point in blaming the victim. Maybe it’s time to wake up and take a real good look at how First Nations people are treated, in the past, AND in the present. Perhaps it’s time to make a right in a more positive direction. Fuck your racist elitists!
Just the fact that I can relate to my aunts poems regarding racism, and being native in this world, scares me. Especially because she wrote those poems years ago, and I am the next generation. Wow. that is pretty shocking. Are our children going to feel this pain as well? – Pooks
“When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching
— they are your family. ”- Jim Butcher
Time to start thinking about what to write, this is my last blog post of 2014. I know, I promised a gratitude list, as well as a new years resolution…I’ll get to it.
I don’t really have much to write about if I write about this past week. I mean, I didn’t see my children for the holidays as I had thought I would. I thought I would see them on the 27th, and they would be over for the weekend. But yeah…holiday hours. Merrymount was closed. The exchange didn’t happen. So yeah, it was a very quiet Christmas. But I guess all that quiet time gave me an opportunity to be creative, in numerous ways. Not to mention, plenty of rest. I will see my children January 3ird though, and it will be awesome.
Now it’s time to show you what I have been doing. I’ll start off with a poem I wrote. Go to the link provided here if you’re interested in reading it. http://pooks82.weebly.com/pooks-poetry/see-with-your-eyes-closed
I also updated part of that website, the Photos of the Artist section, and added a Flashback Gallery. Which kinda gives you a glimpse into my past. You may notice a lot of the other faces have been edited and blurred out. But it’s symbolic in a way, bringing forth the neglected child into the spotlight. The only other person that is not blurred out would be my birth mother, Elizabeth King. My roots from which I came from. http://pooks82.weebly.com/photos-of-the-artist/flashback-gallery
I also did this painting that I called “Round Dance.” I attempted to do this abstract piece, that was experimenting with colour theory, mixing colours. The only colours I had to use were yellow and navy blue. Any variation in colour would have to be mixed between the two. So I was getting different shades of blue, and green. A lime colour, army green, even a greyish colour. It was very tedious trying to paint with the crappy brush I was using. My lines were getting sloppy, and for a perfectionist, that drives me insane! So I took it in a different direction, and added white paint. Painting with a bottle cap. I also added india ink, and let it drip freely as I flipped it around to get the ink moving. I recall using an old business card to swipe and swoosh with. You can kinda see my frustration in the piece. Haha! It turned out pretty cool though. Even though most of my green colours have been covered up by the layers. Some of the white paint mixed in with the india ink as it was drying. So watching the transformation was quite fascinating.
What else? Oh yeah. I take a lot of “selfies”, and have fun with photo editors. In this case, I played with this thought of meeting myself. The dark side of myself meets the light side of myself. Kinda like a Yin Yang image, but through a self-portrait. That was fun. Dress up one way, make up, hair, clothes, and what not for one shot. Then change again, different clothes, different make up for another shot, just to represent two sides of myself. I kinda wanted to capture that androgynous appeal I have as well. Then the magic begins. The photo editing and combining two separate images into one. The whole process must have taken me hours. But I did it. Voila! The masterpiece!
So yeah, that kinda displays some of what I have been up to. On to a gratitude list. I’ll start off with I’m grateful for all this spare time I had to create whatever my lil heart desires.
Now for a 2014 review…
I am grateful for…
…. my children and their love.
.. Well I think it’s obvious, is for those friendships that have come and gone. It’s been an awakening, and made me more grateful for those that do stick with me throughout my journey despite whatever I think or say. Offensive or not. I’m also grateful that they don’t try to take advantage of my time, or hold me responsible for someone I am not even responsible for.
… soup, and potatoes. some of muh fave foods.
… Merrymount. At the beginning of the year my visits changed from 2 hours to 7 hours. Then they changed to weekends. Every third Friday is a 4 hour visit and exchanges are elsewhere. My ex and I did try to do exchanges on our own for a while, that didn’t work out because of trust and communication issues. So thank Merrymount for taking us back on, and keeping everyone safe.
… the time and experience I had volunteering at The Arts Project, and the Ark Aid Street Mission. The Arts Project surrounds me with the art community, and environment, I love it. As for The Ark, oh wow. Have I ever grown and changed a lot since I first attended that place. My perspectives have changed, especially towards those experiencing poverty and homelessness. I find myself defending the homeless to this day against judgement and labels. They too are people.
… running into people I have volunteered with, and they recognize me, and stop to say hi. That’s cool.
… my neighbors and the numerous times they’ve helped me out. Either shoveling my path, or helping me out with sugar or smokes. Even mowing my front lawn a couple times.
… all the art shows I got to be a part of. Most of those experiences wouldn’t be if it weren’t for Jeremy Jeresky. He’s like a manager that way to the New School of colour artists. I guess he practically had to beg to get my painting into Up with Art 2014. Glad he did though, and it got in, because my art actually sold this year and it helped raise money for The Unity Project! Yaaaay!
…for all the people who have bought my art throughout the year. Including my “Brainwasher” oil painting. A painting that took me forever to complete.
… silly moments where I can laugh at myself.
… that I am true and as honest I am. That I am as expressive as I am, even if some people get disturbed by it. I keep it real.
… Food Not Bombs. I enjoyed their vegan meals a few times this year. Including Christmas Eve, and before the Santa Clause Parade
… being adventurous and spontaneous. Halloween, what a freakin night! Haha! Having a blast with complete strangers.
… Completing the Intro to Sociology Summer Intermission coarse at UWO. Even with the anxiety. Kudo’s! Bravo! Bravo! At least I got away with one credit before I got the boot due to “mental health.” Nyeh nyeh! 😛
… writing a book! Which I had always dreamed of doing. A collection of my art, artist statements, poetry, blog posts, etc…all rolled into one. I might do a continuation on that.
… water balloon fights with my children, and the other messy things we do. Get into food colouring…paint… walks through mud…Haha! They really bring out my inner-child. They bring out the best in me.
… all the summer festivals in London. Seriously, part of the reason why I love summer so much is because of the festivals and activities.
… the rain, and the numerous times I got rained on like a lil’ flower. Haha!
…the continuous learning. Even though I am no longer in school, I educate myself. And as I said before, there are places forming here in London, Free Schools, for the anti- capitalists, activists, anarchists, peace keepers, etc.
…being strong enough to dust myself off after that recent online Idle No More incident. I was feeling rather depressed, and losing faith in humanity. But like a long distant friend had said to me; “The world needs you.” Thank her for that. I’m not sure what for, but I do have a purpose here. My life is my message.
…My Leads worker. The workers I’ve had at Leads have all been amazing.
… my OW worker. Even though we got off to a rough start, I think we have gotten to a point where there’s respect. I think we understand better where we’re both coming from.
… my inspirations. H.R Giger, Salvador Dali, and a huge inspiration this year; Marilyn Manson
…being in touch with my biological family on FB. Apparently they are just as silly as me. It must run in the fam. Haha!
… the conservation areas in London. Sometimes it’s a nice getaway from the concrete jungle.
… for the days I do wake up early, and for those nights I do stay up late. It varies. I’m grateful for both.
… my numerous skills and talents. I’m not entirely sure how to incorporate them into society. But when it comes to creating for my own personal fun, I can do some amazing shit.
I’ll leave it as that for now when it comes to my gratitude list for 2014. I could keep going, but this blog post would clearly just go on and on. By doing that, I can see I had a pretty good year. Even if it did have some rough patches. I will make my 2015 awesome, wherever it takes me.
I don’t really have plans for New Years. I was supposed to be sitting here typing, but nope. I woke up early today and got an early start on this. I might go to a documentary film screening today around 5pm. That would give me something to do. But as for New Year celebrations…I don’t normally do anything.
My New Years Resolution…should be a goal that won’t lead to disappointment. Hm…To continue to become more Pooks, and what I think she is. Create more, write more, paint more, fight more for my beliefs and values, learn and grow more. That I believe I can do. So on that note, kiss 2014 good bye, and bring on 2015! I’m ready. – Pooks
“With rebellion, awareness is born.” – Albert Camus
I still have not made it back to class. What can I say? I suck at Mondays, and to top it off, I suck at mornings. I fall right back into the sleep patterns of a night owl. Completely backwards.
Although last Monday, even though I was awake at 6:30am, I looked up at the topic that was going to be discussed in my Sociology tutorial, and it was about Aboriginals. A topic that would just get me more depressed than I already was at the time. I mean, Aboriginals aren’t really respected in society. Matter of fact, Aboriginals get looked down upon as less than homeless people. At least those are the things that are being taught within these textbooks. Really depressing shit. So I didn’t go. I didn’t think my frame of mind at the time could handle anymore depressing knowledge of how fucked up our society really is.
Not only that, but one of the places I do stop in is Indigenous Services, and it seems like every time I do show up, I’m getting dragged into the office, where I have to explain how much I’m fucking up and blah blah blah. Not something I look forward to. I mean, that’s what my counselor at SOAHAC is for. She’s the one that deals with my mental issues.
As for my other two classes, I’m pretty sure I fucked those right up this term. I mean I already mentioned what happened with Visual Arts and staring at a wire sculpture of myself, and not liking what had I seen. I haven’t been back since. As for Art History; Art, Media, and Popular Culture? I feel like the Professor had said all I needed to hear within one sentence on the first day. He mentioned how it was Capitalists that decide what is considered art.
Funny how I wanted to know more about Capitalists and the world around me, and that’s all I hear about. Capitalists this. Capitalists that. Yeah, now I know what they mean by be careful what you wish for. Although it seems like students are expected to want to be like the Capitalists, Haha! I don’t think so! Why would I want to be part of a class that makes others suffer to benefit themselves and their wealth? Seems heartless to me. Just a bunch of sellouts that sold their soul.
So I am questioning wither or not this education thing is for me. I mean, it seems like it is meant to turn me into something I’m not. Not a trap I want to get caught up in. Besides, these days, an education doesn’t guarantee a job, but it definitely guarantees a huge debt.
Sure when I started, the plan was to learn something in a field that can get me a job that can help invest in what I love to do. But my concern is the time. Say I did actually graduate, and got a job doing something I was never meant to do in the first place. My time and energy could be taken away by a job I couldn’t give a fuck about, leaving me with no time or energy for what I do love to do. See the dilemma? Do I really want to make that sacrifice? Not really. That would be giving up who I am, to slave away for the benefit of somebody else. I can just see myself being too tired and drained to create art, or to write freely.
Anyway, for the past week, it was like I shut myself off. I have no desire to function and play by the rules in this little game, or system. It’s like I only come back to life when I am either going to see my kids, or when I want to create. Other than that, I am dysfunctional. It’s like the way this system works, you are meant to value material things, and money so that you can buy and consume those material things. Why? So that your money can go back to the greedy Capitalists. So that you’ll want more money, slave for it, buy more junk, and the money goes back to the greedy Capitalists. It’s a never ending cycle that only benefits the Capitalists in the end. Well, people may forget what is truly valuable in this world, but I haven’t forgotten, and I refuse to let it go. That goes for my kids, my gifts ( art and writing) , and Mother Nature.
I’ll make another attempt to go to school on Wednesday, just for the sake of learning. But I honestly feel like when it comes to my dreams, I will have to take the road less traveled. Meaning I will have to put more time and energy into my art and writing, instead of playing or following by society’s rules, or “formula” to success. I’m starting to see those as distractions, taking me away from I need to do.
I was watching a documentary on David Bowie, and how he did not want to conform either. The only thing he was a slave to was his art. Sure he had his struggles, but he was committed. That commitment eventually led to his success.
Besides all that, my kids finally spent the night over. Although I will have to talk to Merrymount, so they can pass along the message to their father, that our kids need to bring another set of clothing if they are going to spend the night. Everything I had, they out grew, and I gave away to 2 bartering events. So, they don’t have clothes here. What I ended up doing was giving them both a long t-shirt of mine to cover themselves with,while I threw the clothes they were wearing in the wash.
Besides that, they slept rather well over night. I was surprised. I was expecting it to be a rough night, but it wasn’t. Perhaps the dim lamp lights, and classical tunage I was playing on youtube actually did help. I had classical music playing for 2 hours after they went to bed. And since I normally watch a movie before I sleep, I made sure to pick something they would not be interested in. So I chose a musical movie, The Newsies. I don’t know how it ended because I fell asleep. I was exhausted.
Surprisingly enough, I actually got my son and daughter outside, and away from my computer. My son will play online computer games, and if he’s not doing that, than that’s all he talks about. It can get frustrating, I find myself wondering if he’s here to visit me, or my computer. Even when he plays, he plays as if it were a video-game. “Click Menu.” “Press A-A!” , meanwhile I’ll be sitting there trying to play with him, but I’m just like “What?!” Completely confused, because I don’t play video games. Not to mention, I’m baffled. Who does that?? This cannot be healthy. I have never seen or heard children play that way EVER! Normally children mimic the world around them. When he plays, he only mimics video games. Video games have robbed him of his imagination, it’s quite sad actually. Even my cellphone can be an issue, because he knows he can play games on it. Imagination is such a huge part of childhood. It seems like the only game that we play that doesn’t end up being video game related is Hide N’ Seek. Life is not a video game, and it looks like Mommy is going to have to be the one to teach him that, because his dad sure as hell isn’t.
I am grateful that my daughter has taken an interest in art. Which means her imagination can be endless, not based around just one thing.
So yeah, I do have a challenge set before me , and that challenge is my very own son. Taking him to a park worked, he got to run, climb, and jump around. I think I will be trying to at least continue that during visits, make that more regular when they are with me. Take advantage of the warmer weather approaching. At least make some of our time outdoors.
I originally just wanted to go for a walk. Just share something I love to do with my kids, walking with no particular destination. Plus, I wanted to work off all that food we just ate, and then we stumbled upon the park. That was a bonus.
While we were walking my son and daughter pretended the puddles were lava, and they were hopping from snow bank to snow bank. That’s more like it. THAT is a healthy imagination. If going outdoors is what inspires it, than that is what we shall do.
Newho, that is enough rambling for today. An update and sharing concerns, and basically providing you, my reader, a window into my life.
For awhile there it did seem like I had given up, but nope. I mean, I have always wanted to publish a book. Didn’t realize how easy that was. Especially on Lulu. By doing so, one dream was accomplished, and I was like, now what do I do? Start working on the second book. Write more, paint more, create more. – Pooks
p.s – If you’re interested, you can find my book; Random Thoughts of an Alien Goddess, at the following link:
So I got kicked out of the making of the book called; Offerings , A book dedicated to Otep Shamaya by a girl that calls herself by the name Art Saves . Why? Because I got sick and tired of seeing people give up hope on the project because the supposed leaders of the group failed to communicate. It was like they ditched the project entirely, and people have been waiting over a year for the finished product.
To paint a clearer picture, I was invited to be in a Facebook group called ; Creation of book by the TRIBE dedicated to OTEP SHAMAYA by this girl who goes by the name Art Saves on Facebook. Fans of Otep were to submit poetry, art, etc, to create a book similar to Shawn Crahan’s (of Slipknot) idea of The Maggot Bible. Since I did not get my work into The Maggot Bible, I figured why not? So I submitted a poem I wrote years ago. Over a hundred people have participated in this project.
Anyway, after a year I noticed people from the group getting pissed off, asking “what the fuck is going on?”, and not getting answers.
We did manage to get a rough draft put together, but that was it. Fed up of seeing people give up hope, feeling like they were being ripped off for their work, and even starting to dislike Otep because Art Saves and Christian were not following through with what they had promised. Let alone communicate with any of the participants. So I e-mailed the rough draft to a publisher and told the group that if they did the same, a publisher could say yes. I even mentioned in this e-mail to the publisher that if it did sell, since the book was a group effort, dividing any income between us all could be difficult, so I suggested that 100% of the proceeds be donated to animal rescue charities. I mentioned this to the group and thought Otep Shamaya would be proud.
Another member of from the group suggested I try to get it published on Lulu, just like Otep does with her books. So that’s what I did. Even though that pleased some members within the group, it didn’t go so well with Art Saves.
She accused me of being a thief, living off the efforts of others. Umm… no. I picked the lowest price, and gave it the best discount that Lulu offered, which would have left me with nothing. The only people that would have made money from it, would have been the people from Lulu for putting the book together. But no, Art Saves refused to believe me. Anyone that knows me, should know that I couldn’t give a fuck about money. I despise it. So why the hell would I take a bunch of peoples work, including my own, and try to make money off of it? That sounds kind of dumb for someone that hates money, and would rather that it didn’t exist. But no, she does not believe me. She’s pissed because she claims the book is hers and Christians project, but really it’s a group effort. “That project was created by Christian Daugherty and I” – Art Saves . Those were her exact words, yet she has the nerve to call me the fuckin thief. Sounds like she wants all the credit to me.
And of course she attempted to turn things around in our dispute saying that I don’t respect that it’s a group effort. Umm.. HELLO! Had she had any respect for “group effort” she would have at least communicated with the other members of the group, rather than leave them hanging.
She basically just took a bunch of peoples work and fucked off with it.
Can you really blame me for stepping in, trying to help, and actually do something about it?! Ughhh!!
Anyway, she went on about how she is a lady, and will not write like the way I had written to her. If you got to tell people you are a lady, you more than likely are not. Just saying. I guess that was her way of trying to insult me by saying I’m not a lady or something. Yet it is others that give me that label. Not myself. Matter of fact, it seems like no matter how much I try to demolish that label, it sticks. People still refer to me as lady, even though I dress like a boy, I curse and swear, and I can be extremely rude. But no, I cannot shake it off. I mean seriously! Look at some of the people I look up to, Gordon Ramsay, and Kurt Sutter. Haha!
She can call herself a lady all she wants, but a lady does not need to flaunt ass and tits all over FB, and beg for love and hugs. Just saying
So yeah, after our wonderful dispute, I got kicked out of the book entirely. Good! After seeing the way she reacted and behaved, I don’t want my work in anything with her name on it. So not only is she a dumb-ass, she’s a bitch.
Luckily after I figured out how to use Lulu from my first time around getting Offerings published on Lulu, I got my own book published; Random Thoughts of an Alien Goddess , and that has the poem I had submitted into the Offering’s project anyway.
Since Art Saves did not approve of Offerings, A Book Dedicated to Otep Shamaya being published on Lulu, I respectfully took it down. So who knows how much longer the other participants of the book will be waiting now.
I tried to do something positive, and take initiative, but I only got shit on for it. I feel sorry for the other participating members that submitted their work. Honestly, all I did was try to help.
I think I learned my lesson here, and will not be submitting any more of my work to anything on FB.
Offerings was published and out there on Lulu. But Art Saves is too fuckin stupid to be grateful for what I did.
But here’s some gratitude to end with, thanks for stupid people, you give me something to blog about. Haha!
Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be, Pooks is meant for bigger things – Pooks
Honestly, if it weren’t for my children, I’d say let humanity destroy themselves, humans are a naive and stupid species anyway.
If you haven’t noticed, I have been feeling rather dark lately, angry, filled with hatred, and even depressed. More or less feeling rather powerless lately.
Unity, it’s a beautiful dream, but will never cease to exist as long as religion, and capitalism, and this thought that some people are more superior than others remain. I mean seriously? It’s 2014. Why the fuck do we even have a Royal family?? Kings and Queens are medieval ancient shit. Have they really done anything for their supposed kingdom? I mean, besides living their lives relishing in their wealth while millions bust their ass for barely anything.
Oh, and it seems like the religious people are the most naive. They got it in their heads that this is the way it’s meant to be, but no, this is the way their passive selves let it be. So yeah, they are kind of getting on my nerves.
Besides that, I keep telling myself I’m going to make it to school today. But then I don’t. I am letting my education slide through my fingers. Do I really want to participate in this system of conformity? Not really. Not to mention that every time I do attend, it just makes me hate capitalism even more. It is turning into a rather depressing experience. The more I learn, the more angry or sad I feel for humanity.
Perhaps this spiral began with that wire sculpture project. I was doing fine, but then, I disliked looking at this metal sculpture that was supposed to represent me made up of metal parts. I am not a machine. But that is the whole purpose of education, to mold you into the system so you work like a machine.
I find myself asking if it’s really worth draining my energy over. Is it really worth stressing over? A number on a piece of paper? So that in the future I might get more paper with more numbers on it. This is supposed to be a good thing. I am supposed to want that. But I don’t.
I don’t function based on a clock. I function based on creativity and inspiration, which can happen at any spontaneous moment. Such as the other day, I was sitting here at the computer, and boom. A poem came to mind and I rushed to find paper and pen to jot it down. Those words needed to be written, and seen. My body is merely just a portal.
Another thing, I tend to do things at my own pace. So even though I may not be with the rest of the class, it’s not like I’m not learning. I just don’t do anything in an orderly fashion once so ever. To boot, I have the natural tendency to make things 10 times harder for myself in a sadistic kind of way. If I don’t create my own struggle, what the fuck am I learning?
I just can’t help but think, with all the shit is happening in the world today, I feel like my energy needs to be conserved for something else. Plus, I always hear people say “Do what makes you happy.” Well, conformity is not it. Matter of fact, this whole education thing has become quite a miserable experience. Not so great as it is made out to be.
Honestly, I doubt I will ever be able to be molded into the system. It can get frustrating. Somewhat saddening because I’m not a part of something. But do I really want to be a part of that? Honestly, I feel like I’m not meant to be.
So excuse me if I feel rather pessimistic lately. Gloomy, kind of hopeless, and powerless. I have a habit to look outside of myself, rather than within. Observing the chaos I have no control over.
I was going to go help construct this 30 foot snake to bring to protests against oil and pipelines. But I didn’t even do that. I just feel anti-social, and I don’t want to be around people.
People will just continue to slave away, drive their cars, go to school, go to work, go to church. Ignore and deny the bigger picture. Not everyone is going to wake up. Perhaps that’s what is getting me down. I can dream of a world without poverty, money, and oil. A world of unity. But it will never exist as long as people remain ignorant. And as long as religion and Capitalism exist, there will always be sexism, racism, hate towards gay people, war based on greed, etc. There will always be barriers making it impossible for people to see that people are just people. The Royal Family is no different than you and I, they are just people. The Capitalists are no different than you and I, they are just people. To the people in suits and uniforms, they are just people!! The list goes on and on. Every single one of you are just people!! But no, let’s create illusions that some are better than others for whatever stupid reason. Bullshit!
It’s a shame how easy people are manipulated. Just a bunch of mindless sheep that would rather be told what to do, and what to think, than think for themselves. Too blind to see that an education, and religion are part of a system to control what you think. I believe they call it “social order”. The 1% are the shepherds, and millions are gullible sheep.
But that’s the way it’s meant to be, right? Fuck you! – Pooks
“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”- Gloria Steinem
No long post today. Unless I can try this again later, we’ll see. But for now, I will leave you with a little surprise that I put together that kept me up all night last night. I can finally say I did one thing I said I was going to do. Been saying I’d do this since I was a kid. So here it is! Just click on the link below. 🙂 – Pooks
“You’ll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. Be bold enough to live life on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it. Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path. Laugh in the face of adversity, and leap before you look. Dance as though EVERYBODY is watching. March to the beat of your own drummer. And stubbornly refuse to fit in.”- Mandy Hale
Well I didn’t get an application form into the Home County Festival to be a volunteer, matter of fact, I didn’t even make it to that event.
Although, I did manage to fax NNEC accepting their offer to financially support me during school, paying for my tuition and books. So I just need to find a part-time job. So far, no luck. I don’t know how many online applications I’ve done, even with a new spiffy resume, and more recent experience, not a peep from any employers.
Maybe I shouldn’t have answered that question asking wither or not I’m aboriginal. Why should that matter anyways?
Anyway, I’m going to try not to stress about it. The Indigenous Services did offer support, and if I continue to struggle, they will help by referring me to some employers. That will be my last resort, my back up, if all else fails.
Besides that, on Tuesday I went to a gathering at Victoria Park. It was one of those events posted on Facebook. #HoodiesUp A Vigil/ Rally for Trayvon & Marrisa. I don’t know much about the Marissa case. But I believe Trayvon’s killer is guilty. You cannot tell me Zimmerman didn’t have a choice. Today’s society is unfair to coloured people. I read a comment on facebook, someone said the “It’s not justice, the system really means “just us.” It’s a shame that Trayvons family don’t get justice, and Trayvons murderer is set free. Zimmerman could have been the adult in the situation, and just drive, or walk away.
I know there’s some protesters that believe that this is a distraction. Being flashed all over the media, so that our focus is teared away from other matters. But I went to give my respect to a life that shouldn’t have died the way it did. I’ve always believed that you should respect the dead.
Plus, what happened in Trayvons case, is kind of a wake up call of reality, of the system I face. It really exposed itself for how judgmental it is, on colour, on weight (they really picked on Trayvon’s friend for her weight and hair style & interrogated her for 7 hours straight). The colour of skin, one’s appearance, should have had nothing to do with the case. You’d think our system would be able to see past that. No. How sad is that?
Anyway, the #HoodiesUp Vigil/ Rally for Trayvon & Marissa turned out to be rather peaceful. We sat in a circle, lit candles, and ate skittles. I silently prayed. After I am done having a cigarette, I sprinkle the remaining tobacco and pray. I prayed that Trayvons family do get justice in some way, and they do find peace in their hearts. I prayed that Trayvon finds his way in the afterlife.
It’s sad how much hate is in this world, and quite honestly, I think the Bible is responsible for a huge part of it. That’s just my opinion. Ya know? Because Jesus is supposedly white. Amazing how powerful a book can be. It’s got the world wrapped around it’s finger. Maybe it’s not so good after all, and it is actually evil.
Anyway, I’ve ranted so many times on what I think about that. Onto something else. My Summer Orientation and Tour at the University. I thought I was going to be extremely late, but I actually made it. It get’s me excited about the experiences ahead. I’ve met other mature students that will be attending, as well as someone, named Beth, who knows someone I know, and about the New School of Colour. She seemed rather interested in speaking with me, and wanted to see what I do. So I told her to look up Pooks82, she’ll find me.
The tour wasn’t as overwhelming as I thought it would be. Our tour guides, which were 2 University students, they did a good job. I took down some notes at the orientation, to try to remember some of the resources available in case that time does come where I will need assistance with something. Which I am more than sure that time will come. This will all be totally new to me. Plus, one of the reasons I didn’t do so well at Fanshawe College a decade ago, was because I was too afraid to ask for help. That’s not going to happen this time.
On Wednesday I saw my kids, as I do every Wednesday. I gave them M&M’s and grape juice. They like to pretend the M&M’s are coconuts, or whatever else their great imaginations come up with. Then we played tag, actually a game called “Tickle Monster.” Where I am “It” throughout the game, and I chase and tickle. They love it.
My son did get a rug burn on his stomach from my daughter and I trying to pick him up and carry him to the other side of the room. It was one of the many things we do. My son thinks it’s funny because it is challenging to do. He’s heavy, so he got dragged. But while he got dragged, his shirt lifted and his stomach slid across the rug. Thus causing the rug burn. Luckily we found ice in the freezer. It wasn’t severe, more like a light pinkish burn, so not red. Still, enough to make my son uncomfortable, but the ice did help a bit. Note for next visit – No dragging.
I had an Ontario Works appointment this week. My worker and I were trying to see if Ontario Works will support me as a part time student. I have a feeling it’s not likely. Ontario Works will support if your term is 1-2 years. But I’m pretty sure Arts and Humanities goes to 4 years.
I keep having all these workers ask me, why didn’t apply as a full-time student? Because the Ontario Works worker I had before the one I have now suggested it. Matter of fact, she was a bit discriminative, and didn’t want me to register at all. She kept saying “Oh, but you’re not ready.” “You’re nowhere near ready”. But in the back of my head all I could hear was what a worker from the Women’s Community House said to me years ago. “Don’t wait until the perfect time. It will never be the perfect time. You just have to go for it.” So I remained persistent about wanting to go to school, and this worker finally cracked a bit, and suggested part time. Apparently that will make things a bit difficult and challenging for my first year. But according to Indigenous Services, I can move up to be a full-time student next year if I do well this year.
On Friday I was supposed to get all dressed up for interview practice at Leads. I missed my appointment. My own fault. I tend to put other peoples needs before myself. So I was getting bombarded with messages from people, when I should have said that I am busy. Sure it’s nice of me, but that kind of thing seems to backfire on my ass every time I need to make myself a priority.
I was supposed to do homework, figure out how to answer 5 questions for this interview practice. But only managed to browse through them the night before. Anyway, it was a bit of a frustrating morning for me. All dolled up and uncomfortable. I think this interview process is ridiculous, dress up, be fake, get a job. So, I did manage to do that, but the heels slowed me down, I missed the bus… I decided to say “Fuck it!” and go home and change into something more comfortable. By the time I’d get to my appointment, it would have been over by then.
Speaking of homework, I am also to practice my breathing exercises. That hasn’t happened yet either. As well as self-care. I suppose some things I’ve done can be qualified as self-care. Walking, a form of exercise. I’ve been posting poetry, older poetry even, so it seems to show me where I’ve been, and how far I’ve come. My photography, I do as a recreational activity. It keeps me entertained. But it allows me to be creative, and to seek things out.
I do feel a bit over booked. Do this! Do that! I am suddenly back where I was years ago, surrounded by workers with expectations getting me to jump through numerous hoops. It can get a tad bit over-whelming.
Anyway, My sister’s pregnant, and sometimes needs reassurance that whatever she’s experiencing is completely normal. Plus, sometimes she feels lonely. And even though I’m not physically there for her, I am still there for her. Just a text, or phone call away.
I had a friend that wanted me to help out with a garage sale. Which I did put some slides in some boxes, that never even made in the garage sale. I guess she wants to document them first before she sells them. I didn’t even make it to the garage sale. I was exhausted, and overslept. Missing the garage sale entirely. Luckily, it went well without me.
I did manage to get my friend out to a community event. She doesn’t really get involved in the community. She feels she doesn’t fit in. Still, we had a good time at the Old East Village Block Party. I took some pictures, ate some food, watched some bands play live. It was cool.
I thought it was interesting that she said she feels like an alien that fell from Mars. I told her that is kinda like what I say about myself, I’m an alien that fell out of my U.F.O. I’ve been saying that for years. It use to annoy my sister. I would point at a flickering star, or satellite, whatever it was, and say that was my U.F.O hovering without me. Haha!
Anyway, after the Old East Village Block party, I chilled with my friend on her porch for a while. But then parted ways, because I didn’t want to sit still. So I left, and went for a long walk down a bicycle trail. It was a perfect evening for a walk, because it wasn’t too hot. The weather was actually tolerable.
I could walk forever if I wanted to. I walk till I’m practically doing a zombie shuffle to get back home. So today I am taking the day to recuperate my muscles, and so that the blisters can heal. I should be back out and about tomorrow, ready to take on another interesting week. – Pooks
“Our most significant opportunities will be found in times of greatest difficulty.” – Thomas S. Monson
Well, I am happy to say that I have one less thing to worry about. I finally was able to fax, and e-mail, my application form ( as well as other required documents) to the Northern Nishnawbe Education Council. So I am moving forward.
I still need to book an appointment with Financial Aid at the University, so they could assist me with applying for the Ontario Student Assistant Program. Which is my back up plan, in case I don’t get financial assistance from NNEC. Apparently they are currently all booked for the week, they said it’s best to book an appointment online Monday morning. They don’t book appointments over the phone. This Monday has already passed, obviously. Next Monday is a holiday. So I will have to wait for the week after.
I tried to register myself, but that didn’t go so well. I barely understand what the heck it is that I am doing. So clearly, I need some help with that. But that’s what Financial Aid is there for. Thank goodness!
Although, I did manage to sign myself up for an orientation and a campus tour. So yeah, that’s exciting.
I got a surprise phone call from my sister last Sunday. It was awesome to hear her voice and her laugh. She even offered to help me out with sociology if I need it. She took sociology at Fanshawe College, and did well in that class. I didn’t know that. I remember her taking psychology. But yeah, that’s awesome. More support. Although she’s due to have a baby a month after I start school, and I imagine her newborn will keep her busy. I’ve been there, being a momma myself. Still, the offer is there, the support is there. I am grateful.
I see my children weekly. The visits are going good. I did talk to a C.A.S worker briefly, and she too doesn’t understand why my ex won’t just agree to joint custody. It’s just weekends.
I do, it’s a control thing. That’s what abusers do. He’s sunk to the level of using our children as leverage, or to just use them as a way to hurt me by denying me my parental rights. Maybe he thinks I can’t move forward if he has them. But, I am going to move on anyway. Hence, going to school and whatnot. Why? He has no control over me. Simple as that.
I’ve been on a Labyrinth craze lately. I even painted Jareth. I just love that line; “You have no power over me.” It strikes a cord.
At my last counseling appointment, my counselor said that I RESPECT myself enough to cut these kind of people out of my life. I never really thought of it that way. I saw it as a more of a survival thing. Perhaps it’s true. I am valuing myself more. Valuing myself more just means that I am loving myself more. That’s good. Maybe that is why I actually feel motivated to get things done. Rather than sleeping the day away, and feeling like a dying corpse in my bed. I feel I am worth it, and I deserve it. Maybe I am finally starting to actually believe in myself. It’s also the thought that I believe that something better is waiting for me.
I don’t really feel as angry about it these days. Just my ex’s name use to piss me off. But, perhaps, all this sharing has been helping. Wither it be through art, my blog, poetry, or counseling. I needed the truth out there. Maybe that’s why he won’t give me joint custody. He’s infuriated by the fact that I shared so much. But honestly, I think abuse is not a topic that should be kept silent. By sharing, I have helped myself out of a dark isolated place. It’s almost like the truth has built a wall of security. The more people that are aware of what’s been going on, the better.
I am guilty of hushing someone else though. So I am in fact a hypocrite for doing so. But at least I can realize these things, and admit my mistakes honestly. She was in the denial and self blaming phase. You cannot help someone in that state until they snap out of it, and believe they deserve better than that. Such as the time my sister, and an old high-school friend were wondering what the heck I was doing letting by ex back into my life, after assaulting me. I hadn’t snapped out of it yet. Sadly, it had to take my kids being taken away for me to wake up. They tried to warn me, but my state of mind was set as if it were “me and my ex against the world“. Ya know? I was convinced that everybody else was just trying to sabotage us. Including all these support workers. I trusted no one. It isolated me. Anyway, about this person I hushed, I fucked off. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but we all gotta learn on our own I guess. It’s not my life to sort out, it’s hers. Her issues were becoming a mental distraction. Plus, until she figures out she has no control over anyone else, she will keep repeating the same thing. Even with friendships, she’s got all these rules of what a best-friend or boyfriend “should” do in her head. No, I don’t have to do anything if I don’t want to. So I did what’s best for me, I let her go. Trying to silence her because it reminded me of my past, I regret. She has every right to share, just as much as I do. But letting her go, I don’t regret that at all. Once again, it just means I respect myself more than that. I’m done with abuse in my life.
So yeah, I have numerous healthy forms to get it all out of my system. I don’t need to raise my voice, threaten, power-trip, or get violent, unlike some people I know. Creativity does have it’s benefits. I’ve had many workers say and give me praise for having healthier ways to cope with my emotions. I think that’s something to be proud of. It gives me hope that I am capable of breaking this cycle.
So yeah, I’m not that angry as I was before, just tired of my ex’s nonsense. I want to move on, and I will. – Pooks
“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”- Paulo Coelho
I am currently killing time at the moment. I usually wait until around 6am to take my garbage out. That way it’s not out all night, and my garbage bag doesn’t get mangled by stray cats, raccoons, or skunks. So I figured I might as well post another blog post.
I actually made it to a First Nation Housing Co-op meeting. I was nervous, of coarse, surrounded by people I don’t really know. Anyway, we had lunch, and the meeting was held afterward. So basically, I have been in First Nation Housing for 2 years, never been to a meeting, til now, and poof! There I was. Suddenly volunteering to be a part of the board of directors. I did turn some heads by doing so. People were probably thinking, who the fuck is this?! Ya know? I could be completely over my head, or this could be an opportunity to learn and gain new things. The whole point of a co-op is basically a community working together so that we all thrive, so to speak. It’s about time I pitch in. Enough grieving, and groveling. I really should give back to the people that have given me a roof over my head. Express some gratitude.
I may not understand much how things work financially within the co-op. One speaker was talking about it during the meeting, and I couldn’t have felt more lost. I’m not that great at math. I admit, it is not exactly one of my strong points. But, like I said, I have an opportunity to learn something. And for someone, like myself, I love to learn new things, it’s adventurous. It could even help me with my communication skills. Working in a team, possibly gain leadership skills ( Even though I don’t think I’m quite ready for that. The word “Leadership” intimidates me) . Baby steps, steady as she goes.
Volunteering at The Arts Project has been helping. I usually am a floater for art exhibition shows, but the last two times I was an usher for plays that were being held there. So I kind of had to approach people and talk, it was a part of my job. I still don’t say much. But at least I have the courage to approach people and say “hi”, and smile. It’s a start.
I’ve always struggled with carrying on conversations. For some reason, they usually come to an awkward halt. I just don’t know what to say. And when I do try to carry on a conversation, honestly, I feel like an idiot asking stupid questions. So yeah, I am usually the one that listens, while the other person babbles. It’s what I’m used to, not necessarily speaking. There’s a part of me that thinks no one cares what I have to say anyway. My thoughts and opinions are not valued. So be silent. But that is the abuse talking. It has been hard for me to break away from that, it’s ingrained in my head.
It is probably the reason why I normally back away from “Leadership” roles. I think I’m not capable for such a thing. I’m too dumb. Not surprising since my supposed mom treated me like I was stupid. She belittled me like I was stupid. You hear it enough, or get treated that way long enough it will sink in to a point where you’ll believe it.
I know I’m not that much of an idiot as she thinks I am, but I do still doubt myself. Even after high-school, proving to myself by getting mad at the student councilor, telling her to fuck off and let me do my thing! I passed my courses on my own. I even graduated from high-school, with awards for Art, English, and Ojibwe. I surprised the hell out of my dad and my eldest brother. But of coarse, my supposed mom, didn’t seem so thrilled at all.
Anyway, I tried my best not to make this blog about abuse, but it went that way. I had a lot of it in my life, so there is a lot to deal with. Things my counselor will eventually hear about soon enough. It’s an ongoing fear that holds me back from so many things. It’s like getting my foot stuck in the mud. Things that haunt me, within my own head that only I can conquer. At least, I am putting it into action, and am trying new things that will hopefully change the way I was trained to think. As in rid those thoughts for good.
Besides all that, I volunteered myself to be a part of a new movement; People vs Greed. It couldn’t be anymore perfect for me, considering how many times I’ve ranted and raved about my dislike of money, and the system built around it. I like this new movement, it kind of connects it all together, Occupy, Idle No More, #Revolution. I wrote a poem about it awhile back, I’ll share with you. It’s kind of my Idle No More, People vs Greed, anti- religion poem. So, if you are of easily offended, I suggest, you do not read it. But then again, if I haven’t offended you yet, I will at some point. After-all, I am an artist, and my job is to push those barriers. Shock the world, in one form or another, as one might say. Enjoy! 🙂 – Pooks