Just thought I should leave a link here of where my fabulous journey continues. As this Blog Site comes to an end…another begins…
Hope to see you there! -Pooks
Just thought I should leave a link here of where my fabulous journey continues. As this Blog Site comes to an end…another begins…
Hope to see you there! -Pooks
So now that we supposedly patch things up over the weekend. My supposed man is now creating various social media accounts. Kinda creepy. Considering he’s not all that interested in social media. But I guess he wants to find my last blog post as a reason to get upset again. Even though we’re supposedly on good terms, let’s go find something regarding our past to dwell on and get pissy all over again! So yeah, we’re not 100% okay. Things are still a bit rocky.
Not to mention these sudden new accounts come across as being controlling and possesive. Ya know? Stalk me online to make sure I stay in line or something.
I’m allowed to think. I’m allowed to feel what I feel. And I am allowed to fuckin express it!
So all these new accounts online kinda shows that I am not trusted. Without trust we have nothing. But he says he’s just curious to what I am saying.He probably won’t like what he sees. But hey! As I told others, if you don’t like what you’re reading, and you know it’s about you, then be a positive in my life. Not a negative.
Yes I may use my exes past behavior as a prime example of everything I don’t want. And maybe having alcohol and a baby in the house is triggering some shit. A part of me is terrified things will just repeat itself and I will lose another child to another white man. Even though I AM the sober and drug-free one.
Ya know? Before our daughter was born, I thought I would be okay with this supposed “casual” or “social” drinking thing. But clearly I’m not. It throws me in for a loop of fear, and paranoia.
However, over the weekend, my supposed man didn’t drink, and he spent time with his daughter. After I dumped him of coarse. Then he’ll straighten up. But I guess supposedly, I need to speak up, and not be afraid to ask for help. I shouldn’t have to ask. And what if its not help I need. I just wanted him to spend time with his daughter. He should be willing to take time out of his day for his daughter regardless. His time is more valuable than anything he has to offer, or that his money can buy. She, or anyone for that matter, values moments. Moments create memories. Memories can be cherished and are more meaningful than any material thing.
Perhaps years of being on and off OW taught me that. Poverty taught me that. The Ark and the people I met there taught me that, including the homeless.
So yeah. Thank him for spending time with his daughter this weekend. That was all I wanted. If he has been before, and I just didn’t notice. Sorry. I’m just expressing my perspective, and from what I saw, it was like we were avoided.
As for the constant cleaning, we came to the conclusion that it is his OCD.So yeah, if I don’t speak up, he will just continue to constantly clean because it is never ending. I mean, the sink will just refill with dishes, laundry will just re-pile. Makes sense. Since before our daughter was even born, the only way I could get his attention away from housework, was sex. And look what happened. We now have a daughter, and it’s not like our daughter can do the same to distract him for time. So yeah, the chores can wait sometimes. Or as he displayed this weekend, he can do chores and spend time with our daughter at the same time. Ya know? It is possible. He had put her swing in the kitchen, and as he did chores, she sat on her swing and watched him. Maybe one day, she’ll woddle over and try to help. Lol
Anyways, apparently a rehabilitation Centre from Toronto called him at work today…They talked and say he doesn’t have a drinking problem…That’s reassurring. However when we were arguing about it, he’ll sure defend that shit. And when I told him that I wanted alcohol out for good, what did he do? He stormed out of the room. That really upset him.
But he did come back and say that he wouldn’t be able to afford alcohol anyways if we move to this new place together. It would be like a fresh start. So I am giving him another chance.
However, if we end up arguing about alcohol there. That’s it. I’ll put a stop to it quick and leave with our daughter. She doesn’t need to be in the middle of that. Nor do my other 2 children. So yeah, he’s been warned.
As for his older sister. She just made it awkward for herself the next time we come face to face, because now I know how she really feels about me and my man and I’s daughter. Saying she’s not his. Or “doesn’t even look like him”. So she thinks I’m a slut or something eh?! HA! Let’s see if she can say it to my face next time. If you ask me, she’s the stupid one to think my man wouldn’t tell me. Smh.
Anyways, with this new place we plan on moving into together…yes the budget will be tight. My man ( or supposed man. Whatever. Things are still a bit rocky) says he won’t be able to afford to drink, and to make ends meet he may have to take extra jobs. So yeah. I want to help keep things afloat. But like I said many times, London doesn’t hire natives. So I got to think of another way of making income, besides my art. Which sells the odd time. It’s not stable income. I was thinking of being a surveyer. Actually I made an attempt, but that wasn’t working. As I was trying to fill out a survey, my daughter would swat at my cell phone and close the survey. So perhaps being a surveyer with a squirmy baby with energy isn’t the thing for me.
My man suggested a home business. Refurbishing hardwood furniture, and even painting art on them. Maybe, but even that will take time to get the ball rolling.
So I was thinking, another way would be to get paid to write. Either I can get paid to continue to blog. This could be the last one here, and I could start a new domain, a continuation, where subscribers pay, or donate. Not sure how things work business wise on WordPress… but I’ll look into it.
Or… The continuation will come in the form of a book that maybe I could sell on Amazon. I published a book before, on Lulu, and yeah. I don’t make anything off it.
Either way, this may be the last blog post here.
I enjoy writing, so yeah. It’s worth a shot.
And maybe, just like my son, change scares me. I have lived in this house for 5 years, and now I have no choice but to leave. I got comfortable and cozy here, but it is unsafe, and it’s a health hazzard. So yeah. It’s another one of those times where I leap into the unknown. But if I hadn’t leaped before, I wouldn’t have come across the New School of Colour, and that place provided me with a wonderful healing experience. So yeah, good things could be coming if I take another leap.
Soon it will be; Good bye EOA!, and hello to a new beginning. -Pooks
Things have been rocky lately. Obviously. If I’m not writing or creating art, somethings wrong.
To get to the point, I broke up with “my man” or whatever the fuck you want to call him.
I’m tired of arguing every weekend over the same shit repeatedly. It’s like that quote says; Don’t apologize, then continue making the same mistake. Ya know? Actions speak louder than words. You’re not fuckin sorry. I am just seen as some kind of doormat that isn’t taken seriously unless I dump your ass and kick you out. Yeah, and once I do that, suddenly his bahavior changes. Now he’ll start doing what I’ve asked him to do.
All I wanted was him to be a man and be the father that he is to our daughter. But no, alcohol and everything else was a priority. I’m sure cleaning can be put on hold for 15 -20 minutes so he can bond with his daughter. Get to know her. But no. He would drink past his limit, and say he can’t hold our daughter. Or… He’d clean and clean the house. Even shit that wasn’t necessary. Like sorting copper in the basement. After awhile, all I see is a coward that neglects his daughter.
Right now he’s spending time with her. AFTER I fuckin dump him. Typical. Seems to be the thing most men do.
But yeah, we’re done. I know this is just temporary, and if I take him back, shit will return to the same bullshit.
Anyways, our relationship isn’t really much these days anyways. He acts more like a roommate then anything. So yeah, makes me think that he was just interested in my home and nothing else. K. Maybe my home and sex. But since I haven’t seen this great father he claims to be, forget that shit! I mean he claims he was such a good “father” to his younger brother and sister. Really? Did you neglect them as much as you do our daughter?
But yeah, that’s another thing. Maybe he’s doubting our daughter is even his. His older sister did make a remark to him saying: “How could you be so stupid? She doesn’t even look like you!” That’s his sister whom is also a C.A.S worker. Maybe she should keep her profession at work. Ya know? Being a professional home wrecker and all. I don’t know how people can be proud of that occupation. You got to be sick and twisted taking pride in tearing families apart. I wouldn’t be able to do it. But I guess it makes them feel so powerful and godly. Yup. Sick and twisted people out there.
Anyways, back to my issue. Alcohol seems to be a reaccuring thing. He drinks to relax, he drinks because he’s stressed, to have fun, and the lamest excuse yet;… because a woman at a gas pump frustrated him. Seriously?? Let’s make everything a reason.
He says “I knew about his drinking problem from the beginning.” Yup. I knew. It was stupid of me to think he would kick alcohol to the curb, just because he said he would for his child’s sake. He said February was his month to cut down, and he’d stop when the baby arrive. Well…he’s still drinking. Not only that but he sneaks to drink behind my back, and he lies to me. Freakin telling me it was 2, but no he’s moved up to 4. “Oh you have no idea how stressful my job is.” Really?? Your dad isn’t using that as an excuse. Apparently he was able to quit alcohol successfully AND he works in the same job field, construction! So yeah, everything that comes out of my now ex man’s mouth is a freakin excuse.
Another thing, he sends his ex a Facebook message. If he hates her sooooo much, what the fuck?? He says he did it because she said called him a dead beat, and he’d make nothing of himself when they broke up. So why does he value her opinion? Or what she thinks? And why does he keep bringing his past up? He says he’s over her, but…Yeah. Let’s contact the ex. Maybe because he said she bugged him for sex all the time, and I won’t bother to put out.
Yet that was one of the reasons I liked him, he said he didn’t need it all the time. Yet he has bugged me for sex again and again. Funny how that changed. I can go a long time without it.
Speaking of exes. He says I compare him a lot to my ex. Maybe I do. They both were molested as children. They both were abandoned by thier mothers at some point in their lives.They both claim to have “raised” thier younger siblings. As for the drinking shit, it’s like everything is on repeat. Same bullshit. Except my “now ex” man doesn’t go out partying. He just drinks more regularly and avoids us (our daughter and I) like a plague. My ex avoided his responsibility too when my son was a baby, and wasn’t really there either for our daughter as a baby. What a coincidence?! Even though my now ex man is under the same roof, he’s not really present either.
So yeah…pretty much the same shit. In it for the sex, but when its time to step up to the consequences of your actions, like a freakin baby!!, he’s too damn busy with everything else.
So yeah, I don’t really get breaks. His dad baby-sat once, but other than that. I’m busting my ass. And clearly that isn’t enough. My now ex man expects me to take care of the baby, and do housework. As a breastfeeding and bottle feeding mom, sometimes I feel pinned to the couch feeding for hours. I’m lucky to get one chore done in a day. I’m lucky if I can even do any self care for crying out loud, such as a shower. But yeah, he’s not really that involved, and couldn’t comprehend the struggle.
Anyways, he’s packing his stuff. I want him out. But knowing my luck, he will probably pull the same shit as my ex, and take my daughter with him. C.A.S seems to favor the white men.
What else? Maybe it’s too much stress and pressure building up. Ontario Works…First Nations Housing Co-Op..
If I move to this new place with him, I’m no longer eligible for OW. We will struggle, especially if he continues to drink. As for First Nations Housing Co-Op, my subsidy has been terminated. Rent will be going up. And yeah, this place isn’t worth being charged the extra. Technically, we shouldn’t even be in this house. I mean with the asbestos in the basement. It’s a health risk. Not to mention other things like the structural integrity of the stairway floor joist. Basically my livingroom floor can clasp in on itself if too much weight is put onto it. Half of my home isn’t even insulated. So on and so forth.
So yeah, if we were still together we would be moving into another house in June or July. But since I can’t picture myself tolerating anymore of this drinking and neglect shit, we’ll just have to find our own homes separately. Meaning, it’s probably back to London Housing for me. Get myself and our baby on a waiting list. It’s a step backwards, but better than living in house that should be condemned, and staying in a relationship that ceases to exist anymore.
Funny because it would have been our 1 year Anniversary on the 21st. So we didn’t even last a year.
Sorry I knew what I wanted in a relationship, and he couldn’t live up to it. Sorry I thought he was capable of things he isn’t, obviously. I think I have had it with men. Here’s to celibasy! Turns out women are more “manly”, and do have “the balls” so to speak. Men are just cowardly pussies thinking with thier penis.They can’t handle half the shit women go through. Heck! They’re scared of a little baby for crying out loud! Not to forget that they can’t handle a little baby vomit, pee, or poo.
I can’t remember who said it, but yeah, if you can’t handle baby vomit, don’t have kids.
So yeah, no point in getting another Depo shot in 3 months. Love is temporary and doesn’t last, like all things. It’s just a mental phase or illusion that comes with more pain.
I’m done fighting about the same shit. If he wants to keep alcohol in his life, he can have it. I am out. – Pooks
“It’s like a switch, clickin’ off in my head. Turns the hot light off and the cool one on, and all of a sudden there’s peace.” – Tennessee Williams on alcoholism
I know I have been blogging a lot this week, but I’ve been going through an extreme amount of emotions lately, and yeah. Today I just feel that it is important to do an update so that the people that sincerely care for my well being don’t worry.
So straight off the top, my man and I worked things out. It may have taken days. But I’m not exactly the easiest person to get through to when I’m angry. Thankfully he never gave up on this relationship, or this little family we are becoming.
Also, thanks to a friend that I’ve spoken to who has years of experience within a relationship, and dealing with quarrels within a relationship, ya know? I was given a different way to approach this situation. I mean, a lot of the advice I was getting was to call the police to get him out of my house. But that doesn’t solve the real issue. I basically had to face my fear of confrontation. I mean, normally I’m used to people cutting me off while I’m speaking, or people raising their voice over mine to drown my voice out, or things explode like past abusive violent situations, in past relationships, or even my childhood. If I say no to something, or disagree with something, heaven forbid. But it turns out, none of that happened. My man was respectful, we took turns saying what needed to be said. We cleared the air so to speak.
He’s willing to kick alcohol to the curb, cold turkey. Not for me. It’s his choice. He has been making an effort to cut down, and he has…but he’s even going to take that further and quit, for the sake of the child I’m carrying. Plus, he noticed most issues arise because of alcohol or whatever, and he’s done. He cares for me and our family more than he does for alcohol.
As for this other woman, that was kinda meddling with our relationship. That clearly has no respect for our relationship, because she has a thing for him. Well, we both decided to cut her out of our lives. My man came to the realization that no, his “god-child” is not HIS child. HIS child is the one in my womb. That is whom he is responsible for. He said he only was there for the god-child, he doesn’t agree with the way this woman parents her, and he feels sorry for that kid. But that’s not his problem or responsibility.
When it comes to this other woman, the way I see it. She has known my man for years. Long before I came along. She had plenty of time to swoop him up, but didn’t. So why wait until he’s happy in a relationship to be all like; “oh my god, I got a crush on this man”?! Like seriously, ughhh…
I mean, yeah, the reason my man and I met in the first place was because this woman invited both me, and my boyfriend ( who wasn’t my boyfriend at the time) to her daughters birthday party years ago. My man said the moment he saw me there, he knew he wanted to be with me. He was all like; “Who is that…?!” Lol
Anyways, apparently this isn’t the first relationship she’s fucked with. I guess another relationship my man was in ended because of her. But he’s not going to let that happen this time.
So that resolves that. She’s gone. The alcohols gone. We can move on, hopefully with less drama. I mean, yes, problems will arise. And we will have to face those in the future, whatever they may be.
It may have taken me days to realize that, yes, it’s safe to communicate with him. He’s not gonna go all bat-shit crazy. He will actually sit down and talk to me, and try to sort things out with me. So yeah, he’s different than what I’m used to. He’s clearly proven that, and that’s good.
Yes we both have our insecurities, but he’s better at controlling his than I am of mine. But with his help, and with the help of my awesome friends who were there, I think we can overcome anything.
My friend was right, I wouldn’t have been so mad, if I didn’t care. Lol
As for C.A.S, my man reassured me, we’ll be ready when and if they come around.
So yeah, all those crazy fears that I had have been completely demolished. I know it sounds kinda cheesy, but it has been demolished by love. I can move on feeling grateful, blessed, and confident that things are going to be okay.
Anyways, on with my day. Today I see my children at 4pm, and yeah. Thank goodness they don’t have to see a sad momma, just the happy one their used to seeing. Thank you for reading. Peace and Love – Pooks
“Lovers alone wear sunlight.”- E.E Cummings
Why don’t men respect a womans space? How many times must I ask a guy to leave, or to leave me alone? I mean, it’s pretty ridiculous that I used to like my drama free home, and now, I can’t stand being home. It’s sad that I am trapped in my bedroom, or I have to leave my own fuckin house. It’s no longer my safe cubbyhole where I can escape the rest of the world, drama and bullshit. Ugh…He’s not even on the fuckin lease, and it’s like he’s taken over this place.
Once again, he didn’t go to work. So I guess I’m the one that’s gonna have to leave the house for the day if I want to avoid any conflict.
Heck, yesterday evening I had to leave, and I didn’t return home til 2am. Why should I be avoiding my own fuckin house? Thankfully I have good friends out there. Ya know? When I’m psychologically/ emotionally not well, they know how to make me laugh again, and know to put art supplies in front of me. I’ve said it many times, art is like therapy. It calmed me down for the time being, and I could relax for a bit. Heck, I know all this drama isn’t good for me or the baby I’m carrying. Men don’t fuckin understand that.
I don’t even know what to do in this situation. He won’t leave because I’m pregnant with his kid, at least that’s his excuse.
We’re no longer together. I broke up with him, and I cut ties with the home wrecking bitch that he wants to keep in his life because he’s her daughters god-father. I want her gone. I want nothing to do with that fuckin bitch that compares me to my now ex’s abusive ex-girlfriend. Like, What?? Yeah, fuck you! I also want him gone. I want all the drama to fuck off. I don’t need this fuckin shit!
Clearly shit between us happened too fast, and having him move in was a shitty idea. Obviously, my house feels more like a prison than it does the safe cubbyhole that it used to be.
Which is funny, since he criticizes co-workers for their nose-diving relationships. Saying people should get to know each-other for 3- 5 years before moving in together. Yet, he only knew me for a month or two, and already knocked me up, and pressured me to move in. Can you say hypocrite?
It’s like men think they own you if you’re knocked up with their kid, ya know? Can’t run now, kinda thing. Watch me.
It’s like he’s deliberately not going to work, so that he can’t afford to move out. Yet, if he really gave a fuck about this child I’m bearing, he’d go to fuckin work anyways. No matter what the fuck is happening between us, our child would be the priority regardless. Clearly that’s not the case.
I don’t agree with the idea of exes living together. It would be an unhealthy environment for my children. So yeah, he needs to go. We’ll have to figure out parental arrangements when the time comes, that is if C.A.S actually doesn’t take this child away.
I mean, we’re not working as a couple. I’m tired of the drama, and I can’t keep sweeping shit under the carpet and pretending like everything is fine when it’s not. Unresolved shit will just keep coming back up, and snowballing, as it has been. I’m done.
If you have any advice on how to go about all this. I’d like to hear it. Because honestly, I’m in a bit of a pickle. Thanks for reading. Love and hugs. – Pooks
I guess I might as well blog today, because if I don’t, I will emotionally explode.
Anyways, I’m not well, emotionally, psychologically. I’m at a point where I think relationships suck, and the drama involved is just not worth it.
Going from no drama, to straight drama for 3 weeks in a row.
Lately it’s a continuation of when my supposed boyfriend accused me of blackmail when he was drinking. Saying that was the wrong term to use. But now he’s saying that him insisting that I ask permission to take any photos of him and post them online was the wrong term to use. Like make up your fuckin mind! Which was it?
Anyways, I found it pretty fucked up how I wasn’t allowed to post any photos of him, without his permission, yet his lady friend of his can?!! She had taken a pic of his ass, he was bent over, and that was okay. Well that just put things right into perspective. Ya know? Thanks for the wake up call, I clearly am not THAT fuckin special. This other woman gets a privilege that your supposed “queen” doesn’t. Yeah, that makes a lot of fuckin sense.
Not only that, but this fuckin woman has been getting under my skin for a while now. I used to be friends with her, but then fuckin deleted and blocked her because of her negativity. She was always bitching about something. Anyways, the only reason I had her back on my friend list was because my man asked me to unblock and re-add her, so that she can print off pics of us for him. But of coarse that was bullshit. That never happened. She just turned out to be this obsessive troll “liking” every single pic and post regarding my man. After awhile, I can kinda take a hint. She has a thing for my man. I mean, she was posting pics of him on her own timeline, 5-7 at a time. So yes, that gets annoying. Like fuck! Clearly she has no respect for this relationship. I mean, she comes up with the dinky little excuses just to get my man over to her place. This needs to be fixed. Oh that needs to be fixed. Since when is he your bitch?!
But whatever, I’m not interested in the drama. No man is worth fighting over, she can have him! The only people worth fighting for are my kids.
Which brings me to another point. My supposed man is this womans daughters god father. This is what he wrote to me this morning in a letter:
“I’m only there to help make [god childs name] life better, nothing more, nothing less, and if you’re asking me to stop being [god childs name] god father, it’s wrong on your part for being selfish. I’ll always be there for my kid, because it’s my child.”
Well then… what the fuck am I doing? Ya know? I seem to be asking myself that a lot lately. Maybe he should have moved in with his god-child and her mother!! Instead of knocking me up and moving in. All that talk about him wanting a kid. Ugggh…. I mean, he’s “already got one.” “Do you know how much that means to me?” clearly doesn’t mean shit, because he used the same exact phrase towards this cunt.
Another thing, he posted this thing on FB saying noone understands him without thinking he’s being sarcastic or an asshole. And whose the first one to jump on that?? She is. Saying “I’ve understood you for years now.” Well isn’t that sweet. Maybe they should be together if they have such an “understanding”. Again, what the fuck am I doing? Ya know? I’m just in the way.
So yeah, I want to fuckin end it all. This bullshit relationship, that probably wouldn’t even last because of all the doubts I have anyways. Such as doubting he can ever drop his dependency on alcohol for whatever excuse he comes up with; flashbacks, physical pain, for fun, to celebrate occasions, so that he’s not so “scatter-brained”, the list goes on and on. Yeah, try to tell me your not an alcoholic.
But yeah, that’s how I’m feeling. She says she has no interest in him that way, but her actions speak louder than her words. And I’m not interested in that triangular love drama bullshit.
I should’ve stayed single. There is always someone that can’t respect a relationship between 2 people, and I am not interested in that shit!
As for my child that I’m pregnant with. It was silly of me to believe this stupid fantasy, like C.A.S will let me keep a child. They will probably just take it away, or give him/her to the white father, just like my other 2.
So yep. I just keep fuckin up, making all the wrong fuckin choices. – Pooks
Tip of the day:
“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
– Laurell K. Hamilton
Since I’ve shared the news everywhere else, I might as well share the news here too. Meaning, I might be blogging more than once this week.
Newho, yesterday I had my second ultrasound, and it was to be the day to determine wither my baby is a boy or a girl. During the ultrasound I couldn’t help but giggle at my baby. Already it has a spunky personality. It was active, moving around lots, but also being stubborn. Stubborn as in not spreading it’s legs to reveal it’s sex. My man said that he or she was just being prim and proper. Lol In other words, modest. So I did not find out the sex of the baby, and it remains a mystery.
Anyways, the baby is healthy and doing well, no matter what the sex is. I was happy to hear that he, or she, is very active, because I haven’t been able to feel any kicks yet. But I’m sure I will soon. 🙂
Daddy is so proud of his baby, that he took the sheet of ultrasound pictures with him to work this morning to show off the pictures to as many people as he can. ❤ We both agree, the baby has got Daddy’s nose. Hehehe!
Apologies to anyone that was curious and anxious regarding the sex of our baby. I’m pretty sure there is one more ultrasound, but that is closer to the due date. Around the time that I will be 30 weeks pregnant. So if you are going to get our baby anything, we suggest blue, or neutral colours, for now.
Onto other things, but still regarding family. My man said he’s considering of getting himself “snipped”, because he’s happy with one baby of his own. Plus our baby will have 2 fabulous older siblings that they will get to see on weekends. And we got 3 shitzu’s that are a lot like 3 silly little children, only furry. So yeah, I guess you can say we got a decent size family as is. Not to mention, all the cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc, etc.
So yeah, what started off as my little family (My son, my daughter and I), has grown, and been accepted, and welcomed into a much larger family. I am grateful for that. It’s different, and kinda nice to have that kind of support there.
Anyways, I too think this will be my last child I give birth to. My body has already given 2 natural births without medication, or pain killers. Ya know? Hopefully, my body can handle that one more time. I’m not as young as I used to be, nor is my body. However, I think it’s cute that my daughter says things like “You’re still not old.” That’s flattering. Thank my biological genes, The Kings, for me looking younger than I am. Lol
Labour, oh how I remember. It is definitely one of those mind over matter things. Just gotta keep telling myself, the pain is temporary, when that time comes. In the meantime, I shall try to relax, and enjoy the remainder of my pregnancy.
Yes, there’s been some stressful times. It could be me just being paranoid, when it comes to my mans drinking. But, compared to his co-workers, he’s pretty responsible. Not drunk everyday, and not on getting high on chemicals. So I gotta give him credit for that. Perhaps it’s just hearing how he used to be, and the fear he could fall back into old habits. But the truth is, compared to his past, he’s cut down a lot.
He’s told me, back in the day, he used to drink excessively to suppress horrible memories. He’s told me of some of them. He’s seen a lot of death within his life time that he blames himself for. But it’s really not his fault. So yeah, every now and then these memories haunt him. I just wish there was a way that I could help him leave the past behind, and focus on the present. There’s plenty to be grateful for in the present if you just look for it.
I guess having a creative outlet helps too. I’ve seen it work for other artists with addictions. Art has even helped me through some dark times, and depression. So I guess he just needs to re-connect with his creative outlet, and I believe that was music. The problem is, since he works so much, it’s finding the time. It’s kinda sad he’s not more connected to his passion.
I’m not saying he has an addiction, I’m saying he needs another, healthier way to cope with these memories rather than turning to drugs and alcohol. Not exactly chemicals, but marijuana. However, I’d rather him smoke marijuana than touch man-made chemicals. If that makes any sense. I mean, even alcohol is man-made. It has been the death of many members of my biological family.
And perhaps when he drinks while I’m pregnant bothers me because of my own personal domestic violent experience. My ex was all fucked up that morning, either hung over or coming down off some sort of high, when the assault occurred. At least that’s the impression he gave off. More moody than usual. So yeah, when I’m sober around someone that has been drinking, I get a bit on edge. I freak out internally thinking I’m in danger.
Another thing, men don’t seem to understand that when a woman is pregnant, the baby feels everything the mother feels emotionally. So why would you want to put her through any stress and anxiety in the first place? And above all, repeat that shit over and over. It’s getting to that point where if my man wants to drink, do it else where kind of thing. Not around me, my children, or our home which is to be a safe haven. I mean, clearly, it’s just going to upset me every time. so yeah, do it elsewhere.
I look back at my first pregnancy, and it’s no wonder my son has the amount of anxiety he does now. Heck, that’s what he experienced in the womb. There was a lot of drama taking place during that pregnancy.
Speaking of my son, and some of the complications he has within the educational system. He sounds a lot like me when I was a child. I wasn’t exactly the easiest pupil to teach. And when it came to learning to read and write, it was frustrating for me, to the point I was throwing fits. Knocking desks over and what not. I wanted to be doing other things. More creative things. Something that was brought to light over the weekend a little bit, when I talked to my childrens father. I guess a creative mind is hard to tame. Lol Perhaps my sons creativity is being expressed digitally through building things within video-games. Just a thought.
My mind kind of bounced all over the place again. This was suppose to be a blog about the baby, but apparently there’s been more on my mind as well.
I was told that my son is doing better these days in school, minus his homeroom. So hopefully that improves. Can’t help but find it peculiar that he refuses to sit down in that one class. Something set off his anxiety and scared him, what? Did that teacher yell at him? That would do it. I don’t yell at my children, unless it’s urgent like telling them to get off the road. Or they are doing that sibling rivalry thing where they bicker and fight with one another, and I raise my voice to distract what their doing. “ENOUGH!!” Lol Most of the time, talking to them face to face works fine. Talk to my child like a human being, and with respect, and he’ll usually return that behavior. Geez!! Teachers these days. Clueless.
On Friday, my man and I had some issues. He was drinking, and had the nerve to accuse me of taking pictures of him for blackmail. Seriously? That is just fuckin ridiculous! I am a shutter-bug, an artist. If I want to immortalize you in a moment, you should feel honored. Not insecure. It means I was admiring or cherishing you in a moment. So yeah, that kinda hurt my feelings. And I guess he’s not used to having his pictures all over FB, or being so open in the public. Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you dated and knocked up a blogger who puts her own life in the freakin spot light. No one can say shit about it if I’m the one saying shit first. I tell my own story. Is it my fault he wanted to be apart of my life, my story? No. That was his choice. Anyways, I had a hissy fit and removed all the pictures I had of him on Facebook. And refuse to take anymore if he’s going to be that way. It was like, “fine, you don’t want me to be that proud of you, then I won’t be” kinda thing. So, so far I’ve stuck to that. No more pictures. A friend said to respect his wishes. Sure. I can do that. It’s just fucked up that it never bothered him before. Until recently. But then again, he didn’t like the pictures of him cuddling pillows being on my FB. They were adorable. He looked peaceful, which is rare for him. But I guess he needs to look all manly and tough, or idiotic and drunk in order for pictures to be acceptable. So yeah, we got in a little fight over that. He says it was a misunderstanding, and that the word blackmail was the incorrect term to use. Well duuuh!
So even though we were bickering on Friday, we managed to sweep that shit aside for the sake of my children, and focus on giving them a good Halloween. Which turned our pretty good. Minus the rain, and a lot of the homes in this area weren’t giving out candy. It was still a good weekend. My daughter and my man even made banana bread together. She got so upset when she thought she left it behind in her backpack on the way back to her dads. Luckily we ran into the same bus we got off of, across the street, since it goes in a loop. So we got her backpack back.
So needless to say, things aren’t exactly perfect, but not exactly horrible either. We have our ups and downs like most couples. Thankfully, things are starting to look up again. Especially after seeing our baby’s ultrasound pics. Funny how children can put things back into perspective.Anyways, My man may not understand me as an Artist or a Blogger, but at least we can see eye to eye with our baby and our future.
Now on with my day! New School of Colour and Leads today. However I will have to leave New School of Colour early to make to my Leads appointment. But a little art time , is better than no art time at all. Until next time, peace and love!…Never-mind. Didn’t make it to the New School of Colour, but I will make it to Leads! Anyways, yeah. Once again, thanks for reading! – Pooks
Thanksgiving has come and gone. My man and I had one friend each over, and my son and daughter were over for the weekend. The dinner turned out delicious. My man was a wonderful chef and did a great job. However, he made a lot of food, so yeah, we got lots of leftovers. Haha!
Umm.. over the weekend my daughter and I did some pumpkin carving. Oh my god, I haven’t done that in years! Had some ancient memories of my own past of carving pumpkins, and I remembered a spoon helps scrap the rest of the inside of the pumpkin out. Funny how odd memories like that kick in out of the blue. Especially when you are doing something that you haven’t done in awhile. Anyways, it was fun. Both my daughter and I enjoyed the messy fun.
It was a good long weekend. As I predicted in the previous post, my daughter was happy to see the puppies, especially Chewie whom she now calls her new best-friend.
My boyfriend and my son kinda had a match against each-other on the X-Box One, Call of Duty Advanced. Since we only have one controller, they took turns, and the one with the most kills wins. Well the funny thing is that they kept on getting a tie. So yeah, I’m sure that match between the two of them is to be continued… Lol
I know I said this before, but I am so grateful to have found a man that accepts my children as part of the package. Ya know? He makes an effort to get to know them, and bond. That means a lot to me.
On Monday, my boyfriend had that day off, so he worked around the house, and we took a walk by the river with our 3 shitzus. It was a beautiful day for a walk, and the dogs loved it. They were tuckered right out when we returned home.
In other news, I have returned to the New School of Colour sooner than expected. I don’t know, I got a text from a fellow artist giving me the heads up that it was going to be open yesterday evening. Apparently he had spoke to the Executive Director of the Ark Aid Street Mission regarding the program, and yeah, the reigns so to speak have been passed down onto him. So thank you Doug and Marshall for keeping the New School of Colour alive at The Ark. Both are firm believers that the program is both a positive and beneficial to the community. So yeah, I’m back, and will support the New School of Colour as long as I can. I imagine I will be taking some time away once my baby is born. Ya know? I will be pretty busy with a newborn. But as the baby gets older, I will probably return again, along with my baby. That kind of positive atmosphere, creativity, and sense of community could be beneficial to my baby. Besides, as I said numerous times, no matter how many times I try to stray away, I always return to The Ark and the New School of Colour. I love those people, they’re muh peeps! The staff, the volunteers, and fellow artists, and fellow peeps from the community, Love ya. They all make it what it is.
Anyways, I brought a small canvas with me to the art session yesterday, it was a gift from my man, and I put it to good use. My projects normally take me forever to complete, but yesterday, since I haven’t painted in awhile, the creativity was just flowing. Even fellow artists noticed and pointed out that that was fast. It’s almost done.
Anyways, for the New School of Colour fans, I shall let you know that we will be partaking in an upcoming art exhibition called The Healing Palette. We participated last year, and will again this year. 30 pieces will be submitted from the group, and keep in mind that 10% of the proceeds either goes back to The Ark Aid Street Mission, or the New School of Colour. So your support would be greatly appreciated.
The Healing Palette, 10th Annual Art Exhibition takes place on October 23ird – November 7th at the St.Thomas Elgin Genera Hospital – 198 Elm Street – St Thomas, ON. The opening gala is on October 23ird in the Atrium of the hospital. “The exhibit will showcase how, in expressing spirit, art gives hope and strength.” And speaking from my own personal experience, I know that is true.
Speaking of exhibitions, the call-out for artists for the next Twitter Art Exhibit has been made. That is for any amateur to professional artist that use Twitter. So far, I’ve participated twice, and it’s been exciting to have my art go to places such as Florida, and Norway. Coming up in the new year, New York City!! So stoked to be apart of that. My man already bought me materials so that I can create an art piece for this particular event. I love that he’s so supportive!
Anyways, if you are an artist that is on Twitter, you can participate. Keep an eye on the following web page for instructions on how to donate your art to the exhibit. The more the merrier! The Twitter Art Exhibit helps charities and non-profit organizations. The next exhibit, in 2016, all proceeds will benefit Foster Prides Homemade Program. Anyways, the link! Details on where to send your post card sized art, and how to participate will be revealed in late October!
And speaking of late October, my children will be over for the weekend of Halloween!! Yaaaay! It’s been forever since I celebrated Halloween with them. Glad I get the chance to before they get to big for the trick or treating stuff. I think the last time I celebrated Halloween with them, was during the time I only had access through the C.A.S supervised access program. Back when C.A.S had a building on Dundas Street, which now is turning into S.O.A.H.A.C… back in 2012. Just found a youtube video of it….Man they grow fast!!
Newho, Halloween!! I’m not sure where the Trick or Treating hot spots are in this neighborhood yet. But we’ll see. It will be awesome regardless. I’m grateful that my visit lands on Halloween, and that my ex is okay with that.
Anyways, those are the major things that have happened, or that is happening lately. Hope you enjoyed the read! Until next time, peace & love! – Pooks
“Thank you’ is a wonderful phrase. Use it. It will add stature to your soul.”
– Marjorie Pay Hinckley
Long time no see.
I’ve been basically recovering from the side effects of all the antibiotics I was put on for a while. thank goodness, at my last doctors appointment, I was told that I can stop taking them. Seriously, they made me feel like shit. And I didn’t really want to take them anymore anyways, because as a pregnant mama, I should be gaining weight, not losing weight. And well… with all the vomiting and diarrhea… I was starting to feel like a walking corpse.
Anyways, I still need to pick up iron pills, because since all that, I have an iron deficiency, and I’m not getting enough protein. Well duuuh!! Those meds wouldn’t let me keep any food within my system for long. But then again, anemia isn’t new. I’m always tired and groggy. Hence the reason why before my pregnancy I drank so much coffee. I can at least feel somewhat awake temporarily because of the caffeine. Well, now that I’m pregnant, I don’t really drink coffee as much anymore, unless it’s diluted with more milk than coffee.
Anyways, Not this past weekend, but the weekend prior, I was supposed to have a 4 hour visit with my kids but had to cancel due to my health condition at that time. I wasn’t going anywhere, unless I was close to a washroom. And walking out and about for 4 hours, that wasn’t going to happen. Not with how frequently I was running to a washroom. It was insane.
Last week I got to return home, try to recover, as my man packed his stuff at his place and moved. It was a good thing too, because apparently my man’s brother and his girlfriend got jumped and beat within that area. Not cool. Hopefully they are okay. Sounds like they got pretty banged up.
Umm… my man and I were invited to his mothers for Thanksgiving. But…I didn’t really want to go. Especially after that dispute my man’s mother and I had over C.A.S. She was kinda snooping into territory which really isn’t any of her business, that history/ battle was between me and my ex. So no, I don’t appreciate when people snoop into my past like that. It kinda put a damper on any possible trust that could have been built. Ya know? I have trust issues enough as is. So trying to force me to discuss things or bring up a dark time that nearly killed me in more ways than one, not good. There’s a reason I don’t talk about my past. I’m not there anymore, and I’d rather keep it that way. I understand, she’s only inquiring because she’s concerned for her son. Well, worrying only creates unnecessary fear. I’m not worried. That shit went down 5 years ago. Besides, even my ex said; no worries. I’ve held onto this home for 4 to 5 years. The only thing he can see them being concerned about is my psychological health, and I think that has improved over the years. I am in a healthier relationship. I’m not all depressed. I’m more grateful these days. And as for the cleanliness thing, I have a man that is teaching me to be more organized. Not to mention, my man is a bit of a clean freak. He likes to keep things orderly, and organized. Having things scattered all over the place kinda drives him nuts. Also, since we have puppies., we kinda got to keep things tidy, otherwise our mini paper shredder, one of the puppies, will chew it all up. So yeah, “cleanliness” can be scratched right off the list of concerns. So nyeh! 😛 Heck! I’m even waking up at 5am-6am in the mornings now. Instead of going to sleep at 6am. So yeah, I’d like to think that mentally my mind is in a much better place.
So yeah, Thanksgiving, we won’t be going out of town. Besides, in the past, my ex didn’t trust me taking the kids out of town then, I’m pretty sure that is still the same. Ya know? He had a fear I’d just pick them up and leave. But no, I wouldn’t do that. I’m not my ex. But, that was something my ex was concerned about then, ya know? If he doesn’t want the kids to travel with me, then they won’t. He is the primary care-giver. Might as well respect that.
Not to forget that the last time my kids were around that side of my mans family, they were severely uncomfortable. So yeah, why put them into that kind of situation again?
So we’ll be having Thanksgiving at home, with my kids, and a friend. We’ll have our own little gathering. A small group of us won’t be as overwhelming as a large group of strangers to my kids.I think they are more comfortable with smaller crowds anyways.
It’s been a busy couple weeks, I mean with my man moving in, which he is fully moved in now. Thanks to the peeps that helped him move, he couldn’t have done it without you!
It’s so weird, but nice to hear him call this place home.We still got quite a bit of work organizing our stuff. Our stuff combined is a lot, so we will need to down-size and decide what we’ll be keeping, and what goes. So yeah, the place is currently cluttered, but it’s getting better gradually as the days go by.
Health wise, I think those meds finally wore off. So yeah, feeling much better than I was. But now I’m coming down with a cold. Ughh… All that freakin puking and shit probably lowered my immune system, and voila! Catch a cold just like that. So yeah, from one thing to the next. But I think a cold will be much more tolerable.
Anyways, I won’t be cancelling my next visit with my children. So I’m excited for the weekend, and carving pumpkins, and whatever else we do. I think my daughter will be happy to see that the puppies are here. Chewie, Spaz, and their mom, Molly, (shitzus) all love the backyard.
So yeah, excited for this next chapter in my life.
Oh yeah, my next ultrasound will be in early November, and that will be when we find out the sex of our baby. Very exciting! No matter what the sex of the baby is, my man says that he or she will be raised to be a Turkey Warrior. Haha! A pro at hunting turkeys.
Newho, I think that’s enough writing for today. Peace and Love! – Pooks
“My past has not defined me, destroyed me, deterred me, or defeated me; it has only strengthened me.”
– Steve Maraboli
This post won’t be very long…at least that’s what I think at the moment.
I am not feeling well. My doctor prescribed me some antibiotics that either make me vomit, or give me diarrhea. No fun. Plus the new batch of meds gives me a sore stomache. Bluuuh!
So yeah. I will try to write something. Even though I currently feel like shit.
I suppose the odours the puppies leave on the carpet doesn’t help. I tend to become sensitive to smells when I am pregnant.
Anyways, I had a bit of a scare that made me go to Emerge on Monday evening. The fear of another miscarriage. But nope. All is well, and I am just starting to feel the side effects of the antibiotics I was prescribed last week.
It never fails. At some point in my pregnancies, I wind up with a UTI. Anyways, I was prescribed even more antibiotics to cope with some of the irritation I was experiencing.
So yay to another week of these unpleasant side effects. Mostly vomiting, and diarrhea. TMI, I know. But this is my blog, and I write whatever the fuck I want. Mostly, my reality. My truth.
Other than feeling like shit lately, my man and I made an attempt to get my children outdoors last weekend to go fishing at Westminster Ponds. However, no luck with the fish. And my children are so urbanized, they complained majority of the time. They’d rather be home and indoors on a beautiful day…or every day for that matter. It gets a bit frustrating. But then again, I was raised in a small town out in butt fuck nowhere. Compared to my children, growing up in the city. Big difference.
I find people that live in the city relate fun to consumption. In order to have fun, money must be spent. Whether it’s shopping at malls, going to the movies, etc etc. Up north, you made your own fun, and rarely costed a thing, just the use of your imagination. Ahem, if you recall, I was the strange kid chasing my shadow.
Heck, even for adults. Alcohol is pushed on so many young adults as entertainment. Drink on the weekends. Or drink when your off work. Consume. Consume. Buy buy buy!! But that’s the world and civilization of Capitalism. Ugh. And yet still, so many people can’t see it. It’s become the norm. What we’ve become accustomed to. It’s like the use of a creative imagination is getting wiped out.
My man lectures me about Capitalism, and conformity. Well..not really lectures. But he talks about it, a lot, to get his point across. And says that he doesn’t like Capitalism, but unfortunately we have to conform a bit in order to get the things that we want or need with money. For example; a house, a car, etc. That’s just the way the world is. Yes, he’d rather barter, and live off the land. But in order to obtain land, you need money.
I usually bite my tongue during these discussions, because I believe conformity is a mental illness. It’s flat out brainwashing. I refuse to let people or organizations tell me what and how to think. Hence my struggles with most organizations and institutions throughout my life time.
If we all think and do the same, nothing changes. I know defiance is looked down upon, but it is those that deviate that make history. Not the sheep.
I see it repeatedly when I look at the artists I admire. The ones that didn’t conform to please others. They knew they were different and owned it.
So yeah, when my man says things like I need to present myself in a certain manner to certain family members that are more conservative. It is not I that needs to change. But their perspective that does. I am an artist. I can be somewhat eccentric at times, and that will just have to be accepted.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my man. We have a lot in common, but also have some differences in opinions, obviously. Especially when it comes to conformity. But that’s okay. Because for some reason he met me, and for some reason I met him. We have a lot to learn from each other.
Last night we got into a bit of conflict..regarding weed, alcohol, Capitalism, and me being too quiet. Ya know? It seems like I know more about him than he does about me. But then again, he’s one of those people that can babble on and on about themselves. I just listen. If you want me to speak, than ya gotta learn to shut up and listen once in a while. But yeah. Whatever. Apparently alot of people are like that. My kind is rare.
So yeah. Not perfect. Some times things get rocky. We clearly got some things to work on. – Pooks