Sporadic Smudge

Well I guess I do have time to blog today. I thought my Leads appointment was today, but apparently it was yesterday. The date my worker had written on my appointment card was different from what she had put in her book. So yeah, there has been some confusion, and clearly I missed my appointment. But I will see her on the 26th. The day after my birthday. Hooray! Haha!

Newho, where to begin? Hold on… I need to check where I had left off…

Oh right! Game night! That was fun. I had my boyfriend and a couple friends over and we played Cards Against Humanity. Hahaha! That is a very interesting, twisted game. Umm.. Thanks to my bestie for bringing over the tea, and buying us a large pizza to split. Good times!

Thursday was kind of a blur last week. Probably just a regular day.

On Friday I met more of my mans side of the family. Such as his mother, her boyfriend, and my boyfriends brothers and sisters. That evening we sat outdoors at my mans brothers place, had some beers, and just talked, chilled. I was kinda put on the spot with some questions, but I was very honest. For example; my boyfriends mothers boyfriend sensed that I had a dark side to me, and asked if I cut myself. Honestly, I don’t, but I used to many years ago. I find now that there is no need for it anymore, that suppression. Ya know? I used to do it to suppress my emotions. But now look at me, through my art and writing, I have become quite expressive, and there is no shame in doing so.

Anyways, it was funny that they said I was a definite upgrade from my boyfriends last girlfriend. So yeah, yaaaaay!

They were surprised to hear that I had a book published. I mean, yes, that is quite the accomplishment. But looking at it now, I would like to do another one. But better. And maybe have it edited before publishing. Haha! I don’t know. I noticed there are some grammar mistakes within the first one. So I consider it my “rookie” book. I kinda threw whatever material I had over the years, slopped it all together, and voila! There’s my first book! I might do something similar with the second, chaotic, not in any specific order. Just because that’s just me. But at least spell checked! Haha! Not yet though.

Newho, if you are interested in checking out my “rookie” book, “Random Thoughts of an Alien Goddess”, it’s only available on Lulu. I will provide the link here:

http://www.lulu.com/shop/pooks/random-thoughts-of-an-alien-goddess/paperback/product-21570821.html

“Random Thoughts of an Alien Goddess” basically a self portrait in many forms so to speak. However, I can’t recall if I mentioned why I call myself an alien goddess within the book or not. Those that have been following my blog for a long period of time already know. I refer to myself as an alien because I don’t quite fit into your world, and I’m kind of alienated. I’m a non-conformist to put it bluntly. But that’s okay. I’ve learned to love and accept that about myself. As for the goddess thing, that is based on a quote said by Pablo Picasso regarding women. He said they are either door-mats or goddesses. And yeah, I made my choice.

I don’t think I mentioned the cover either within my book. I mean, the time frame it was taken was discussed within the book. Yes it is a nude, but still modest and showing nothing. But basically, that “selfie” was taken after weeks of depression, starvation, and sleeping. After my attempt of a slow suicide years ago. That picture captured my awakening. Waking up as “Pooks”, not the same as I was before, wither I realized it at the time or not.

My man’s family gave my man a wonderful idea, which is basically to turn one of my poems in the book into a song. That would be cool!

Anyways, moving on.

On Saturday a reunion was held at my boyfriends sisters place. I even brought my own children there, and they were too shy to really interact and socialize with the other children. Ya know? New people. New Environment. A comment was said to me to “cut the cord already”, because they were being clingy. But it’s understandable. Going somewhere surrounded by strangers for the first time. I mean yes, my daughter is always clingy regardless. She is my youngest. But I am working on that, and she is aware of it lately. I think she’s starting to get it. Some space between us can be good.

I guess when they were speaking with the other children, my daughter said that if my boyfriend and I get married, that my boyfriends siblings would become their aunts and uncles. One of my boyfriends sisters disagreed, but my daughter is right. She’s is a smart cookie 😉 Anyways, it’s just funny that my boyfriend and I were the topic of discussion.

Which reminds me, over the weekend my daughter said if anyone tries to mess with my boyfriends and I’s relationship, she will kick them in the bum. Haha! It makes me happy that my boyfriend and my kids get along. I mean, I am lucky to have found someone that accepts my children, includes them as part of the package because they are a huge part of me and my life. As for my children accepting my boyfriend, clearly they must see how much he makes me happy.

Anyways, starting to get freakin mushy on you. that’s enough of that. Moving on.

Sunday, after I dropped my kids off at their house. I returned to my boyfriends place. He went to bed early, and I stayed up to watch a movie. Anyways, I fell asleep on the couch, and at 3am, my boyfriend woke up wondering where the heck I was. So he got up and found me sleeping on the couch, and then carried me to bed. I normally freak out when I’m lifted up off my feet. Fear of heights here. Newho, I guess I was really peaceful while I was asleep. I just thought that was sweet.

Monday!! I forget.

Tuesday was the New School of Colour and I worked on my painting. Although, my sleeve smudged it as I was holding up someone elses art piece so that they can sign the back of their art. So yeah. Guuuuuh!! More shit to fix up. I decided to make it look intentional, so I expressed my frustration, and added more sporadic smudges. Haha! Problem solved. Don’t freakin tell there isn’t any freakin problem solving to do when it comes to art. Omigosh! I swear, it’s always something.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Wednesday I painted some more at my boyfriends place. During one of our hikes in the past, I picked up a rock that I wanted to paint on. However I was having trouble  regarding what to paint on it, and my boyfriend gave me an awesome suggestion. He suggested that I browse through his Chinese/ English dictionary, pick a work that I think defines him, and paint that on the rock. So that’s what I did. Except more. I painted some photography I did of storm clouds on the rock, and I put “Both Beautiful and Intelligent” written in Chinese on it. I was quite proud of it when I was done.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Today, I thought I had a Leads appointment, but nope. After checking my e-mail, I realize that my appointment was actually yesterday. So instead, I posted an ad up on Kijiji for my man. He’s trying to sell two puppies here in London,ON. Check out the ad if you are interested. The puppies are soooo cute!

http://www.kijiji.ca/v-view-details.html?adId=1094623542

Speaking of the puppies. The only male shiatsu finally got a home. My man gave him as a gift to his mom. Omigod! Did my man and I go though a lot of b.s over that puppy. Not from his mom either, but from this old lady that owns a black shiatsu already in my mans neighborhood. She claims her dog is the father, and that she has the right to a free male puppy. Ummm no. Not to forget that another male shiatsu could be a possible father, so there is no certainty which one is the father. My man gave the owner of the other shiatsu $50, and offered this woman the same. She didn’t accept it. So my man offered to sell her a puppy for $200, and she didn’t take that offer either. I mean, he had already promised his mother a male puppy years before this woman came along. So yeah, she was a nut case. I mean, she was text messaging my man, saying that if god wants it to be, it will be, and stuff like that. And saying God will make him lose his job, lose his girlfriend, his home, so on and so forth….OVER THIS PUPPY?!!

I mean, it sure didn’t seem like “god” was tampering with our relationship. More like she was, approaching me, while my mans at work, calling him a liar and a jackass behind his back.

Her attempt to talk to me about it was just plain dumb. I’m a bit of a hard-ass. Based on her crappy behavior, I told my man to tell her to go fuck herself, long before he decided that she’s getting squat. He made attempts to be fair, because he’s nice like that.

Yeah, I kinda ranted on Twitter about that whole situation briefly. #NoShiatsuForYou Haha!

Newho, Glads that’s over with. Glad the male puppy is safely out of the area, and in a new home. My man told this woman that if she bothers us again, he’s gonna charge her for harassment and slander. So yeah, haven’t heard a peep from her since. Thank goodness!

Anyways, I need to get something to eat. I’m hungry. So I shall end it there. Thanks for reading! – Pooks

“I have learned that to be with those I like is enough”- Walt Whitman

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

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Rainbow Ninja Revolution

No notes of deep thoughts this week. I haven’t really jotted anything down, and it seems like the weeks just fly by! Unless something miraculously pops to mind as I write, but we’ll see. I think I’ll just try to review my week.

Last Friday was boring. I was cleaning, and yeah. I don’t think there is anything amusing or stimulating about that routine of repetition. It gets very challenging for me to keep going and not wonder on to do something else. My mind craves intellectual stimulation that is obviously not there in such tasks such as dishes, and other house chores. So yeah, it’s a struggle to stay focused. Music helps a bit, but not for long. So that was my Friday, an internal battle with myself.

Saturday… I was 7 minutes late to Merrymount. But that was nothing compared to how late my ex and our children were. I’m to be there for 9:45am. They are to be there for 10am. I guess they slept in, and they were 3 hours late. So I had some time to kill, obviously. Normally I take my kids grocery shopping after I pick them up from Merrymount. But I got the shopping done on Friday. So to kill time I decided to pick up some treats. That way, after the exchange, my kids and I can just hop on a bus and go straight to my place.

It was the Easter weekend, and we didn’t really do any celebrating. No scavenger hunts, no Easter treats. The treats I got them were things they normally pick out when we do our grocery shopping. I think I just wanted to focus on gratitude and enjoying each-others company. Ya know? I’m not really religious anyways. Spiritual in a way, but not religious. Spiritual when it comes to my art, and when it comes to nature… Besides, I think I mentioned before, maybe last year, about how Easter was originally a Pagan holiday that the Christians punked and claimed and molded/made some changes  into their own “beliefs”. So what does that tell you about modern religion? I don’t know what that tells you, but that tells me that modern religion is a bunch of b.s.

But whatever. My children are in a Catholic school, so if they believe, they believe. I’ll respect that.

But as for myself, I believe religion is just an illusion used for mind control. It’s amazing when you start to question things how many people in society, and social institutions battle for your mind. That becomes very apparent when you start questioning and doubting the things around you. It’s kinda creepy and amusing at the same time.

Anyways, my daughter and I usually do an art activity during our visits. We didn’t paint on egg shells, but we did however paint on snail shells. They turned out looking pretty cool. I don’t know, I got curious if a snail would reclaim the shell if it’s shell were painted on. And would the bright colours on the shells make it more susceptible as prey, or would it confuse and startle their predators and be an advantage? I’ll never know. My daughter decided she wanted to hold onto the snail shells until winter. The snails can have them back when it get’s cold out. Lol

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Normally there’s some bickering, and sibling rivalry between my son and daughter. But this past weekend when they were playing a computer game based on balancing called Sweetland, I challenged them to work as a team. One controls the right key, the other controls the left key, and yeah we got some giggles from that. It was cool to see them trying to work together to pass the levels.

Sunday just flew by. Seemed like I was always cooking, or something. Time just flew. By the time I actually got a chance to sit down and play after breakfast, getting to take their showers, lunch, getting them changed into the clothes they came in, it was like there was only an hour to play. Time just went poof! But we did get a game of Freeze tag/ hide n’ seek in at the bus stop. Play on our way back.

Monday I decided to get crafty on my own, and I brought in what I created to the New School of Colour on Wednesday evening. I had seen this crafty project on Pinterest, of turning toilet paper rolls into ninjas. Well, since we call everyone at the New School of Colour a “Rainbow Ninja”, I made rainbow ninja’s. All that I need now are straws for their belts, and bo staffs. Another artist said she’d bring some in next week. Yaaaay!

It was funny because I stashed them on one of the shelves that holds some of our art supplies. Newho, one artist didn’t even notice them at first until I said “Oh no! You knocked one over!” And then another artist came by and he asked her if she was scared, and she was like “Of what?” and he pointed to the ninjas on the shelf. That got a giggle.

Upstairs, an artist came up to me and asked if I had anything to do with the ninja revolution downstairs. Haha! Absolutely! 😉 I mean, we no longer have our beloved chalkboard that had #RainbowNinjaCoalition written on it. So there needs to be something that makes that statement.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Back track a little bit, Tuesday at the New School of Colour I’ve been learning how to matte and frame. Thanks to the artist that walked me through that process, one of the pieces I painted at home is now framed, and safely stored at a his place. The piece looks completed and fabulous all matted and framed!

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Wednesday I did return to my oil painting. It seems like that one corner is taking me forever. But after the art session, I went for coffee at a friends place along with another friend. And the artist that helped me matte and frame was teaching me to mix paint. Umm… Mixing opposites. Since I have challenged myself not to use black from the tube of paint on my current painting, and to shade without it. He loves to teach. I love to learn. I mean, I’m a visual and hands on learner, and that’s exactly how he teaches me. That’s awesome! It was a productive evening, along with some caffeine and chocolate induced giggles of coarse. What was the Ark thinking when they gave me a bag of chocolate eggs? They should know better by now. Haha!

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Newho, I am grateful to learn lots of new things lately. I’ll be able to take what I have learned and put that into my work next week. I’ll be able to achieve the contrast that I seek. Yaaay!

Also, I’ll be preparing some matte board for another future project. It’ll be a big one. We found some cabinet door frames last week on the curb which would make excellent frames. My friend who has been teaching me a lot lately has an oval wooden frame that used to have a mirror within it. We’re thinking that can go between the two cabinet frames. So it will be 3 pieces together, creating one big piece. So yeah, I’m excited of the many possibilities when it comes to that. Just let the imagination soar!

And here we are today. No specific plans, only that it is blog day, and here it is! I hope you enjoyed reading, and I’ll be back at again next week! – Pooks

“Discovery consists of looking at the same thing as everyone else and thinking something different.”

– Albert Szent-Gyorgyi

The Rare Form

Okay. I know I usually post something Tuesdays or Wednesdays, but since my schedule has changed, I was kinda tired afterward.

New School of Colour has moved to Tuesday and Wednesdays, 5-8:30pm at The Ark. My Leads appointments are Tuesday mornings at 11am. So my Mid- week gets pretty busy.

Anyways, I got my hot chocolate by my side, I don’t feel like crashing and crawling back into bed. I’m good to go, on with the blog!

I guess I’ll start with the first thing that comes to mind, and it’s something that happened during the evening yesterday. I was helping a kid mix their paints, they were so fascinated watching the colours change right before their eyes. It was cute. Since I didn’t have anything to stir with at that moment, I just stirred the paint with my finger and put the excess paint on my face. I gave myself a cat nose, and whiskers with grey paint. Yes, we made grey.

Anyways, I don’t really see paint on my face as a problem. But apparently others do. For instance, after the art session, this freakin guy was too embarrassed to be seen walking with me in public because I still had the paint on my face. So he said to take a ride with someone else, this other guy couldn’t care what I have painted on my face. I could have the Blackhawks NHL logo painted on my face, and he’d still think I was cute. Really? Can you be anymore freakin insulting? I mean the Blackhawks NHL logo is an illustration of a natives face. Not only that, but paint on my face doesn’t change who I am, I’m still the same person beneath the paint. Yet I receive this shit load of bias negative bullshit for it. I cannot believe I dated this guy temporarily, at least until I smeared whipped cream all over my lips like lipstick back in the day. Yeah, clearly, that was too embarrassing. Heaven forbid what others will think! I honestly couldn’t give a shit.

That kinda automatically makes me want to retaliate, and deliver a message in my own way. Like show up to the next New School of Colour art session with my face painted deliberately to see who else will treat me differently for something so small. I mean the New School of Colour is supposed to be a safe space for numerous reasons, but I’m gonna focus on the social barriers aspect and really put that to the test. Are all people really accepted? Even the ones that practice this rare form to become the art?

At this very moment, I can relate to Asia Ray, from the Venice Beach Freakshow when she posted on FB saying; “Fuck pretty.” Us women are expected to look pretty, be dolled up, and be silent in this conservative world. Be “ladies”. Well… I’m sorry, but there is a side to me that is not all that. It’s creative, spontaneous, adventurous, curious ( I will ask questions), obnoxious (sometimes), and maybe even innovative! I can come up with ideas quite rapidly.  I have this need to explore and discover. Some people call that wild. It’s a side of me I refuse to let this world tame.

So if this freakin guy can’t accept me with a little paint on my face, well then he doesn’t accept all of me. I am one of those artists that tries to become the art. Heck, a couple weeks ago, I got an e-mail from someone that has admired what I have accomplished over these last few years and said; “I am truly inspired and impressed by the way you have turned your tragedy into a work of art that is your life.I guess I do create art, live art, breathe art, become the art.

Anyways, onto other things. I had a good visit with my children, thanks to the person who helped me out this month, otherwise my visits wouldn’t have been possible. Without their help, I would have been broke and forced to cancel.

As usual, we had a good weekend. I imagine as the weather gets nicer, we will be getting outdoors more often. Although this weekend we were indoors. Since I finally hooked up my DVD player after all these years, we’ve been going through DVD’s seeing which ones work, and which ones are garbage. Although I think the ones that are garbage can be reused for one of the little art projects I do with my daughter. My son usually plays games on the computer, and if he wants to join in with my daughter and I and play, that’s cool. I understand he’s getting older, and perhaps playing with stuffies is not his forte. But he will join us for a game of tag, or hide n’ seek, or even a snow ball fight at the bus stop. More active things, which I’m sure there will be more of soon enough, without the snow.

Speaking of the snowball fight at the bus stop, that was on our way back to Merrymount, my daughter noticed her glove was missing. She got so upset over it. She feared her fathers reaction over this one little article of clothing. She kinda panicked. We did look around, but didn’t back track too far because our bus would pull up any minute. We didn’t find it. So I reassured her that I would find it on my way back home. That I will walk and backtrack to find it. And I did! After dropping them off at Merrymount, I walked back home, and found it on the way. So hopefully their father didn’t freak out over a measly mitt. Ya know? Spring is around the corner, soon she won’t be needing it. Not to mention it has holes in it, she’ll be due for a new pair anyways next winter.

This time around, I wasn’t as stressed over time. I swear I become no fun when I am worrying about something as ridiculous as time. My anxiety goes through the roof. I panic about punctuality. But yeah, I was a lot more relaxed, and so were my kids. They were kinda tuckered out actually, they both fell asleep on the bus, on the way to Merrymount. That rarely happens, normally it’s just my son that goes to sleep because he gets motion sickness. Kudos to momma. You did a good job. They had a good weekend.

I finished one oil painting and started another at the New School of Colour… I guess there will be an exhibit along side the play that will be going on at the Palace Theater. “The Living Last Supper”. It is a fundraiser for the Ark Aid Street Mission, it takes place March 27th & 28th. I heard that the New School of Colours art will be on display in the lobby. So that’s pretty cool. Check it out, it will be the New School’s Fearless Leader’s acting debut. Jeremy Jeresky will be acting as Judas. The play is kinda bringing the famous painting by Leonardo DaVinci, “The Last Supper”, to life. Art inspiring art, that’s cool.

Speaking of exhibitions, last Tuesday I was so excited to see that the piece I submitted into the Twitter Art Exhibit was up on the wall in Moss, Norway. Thank you David Sandum for creating the Twitter Art Exhibit. This is my second time participating. This year, all the proceeds go to Home Start, which is a non profit organization that helps families in need. I am very proud to be a part of this exhibit, and to be doing my small part in helping others out there by donating my art to fund-raise.

Photo credit goes to David Sandum. Art by Pooks

Photo credit goes to David Sandum.

During my Leads appointment this week we were finding out about my strengths and abilities. We listed 8 major values. I’m not sure I can remember them all, but some were to help society, to help others, creativity, and I forget the rest. My thoughts kinda trailed there and got me thinking that maybe I’d make a good fundraiser. I enjoy participating, would I enjoy being behind the scenes? And where does one find a job as a fundraiser? Hmm.. that too is a possibility.

Speaking of jobs, I didn’t get the job at the Build- A- Bear Workshop. But I kinda laughed that off, saying it’s their loss, they just lost a creative genius. Haha! It was an optimistic way of looking at rejection.

Anyways, I think I babbled on long enough. I’m sure there’s some things I’m forgetting, that perhaps can be put into another post if and when I feel like it. Once again, thank you for reading! – Pooks

“When people rely on surface appearances and false racial stereotypes, rather than in-depth knowledge of others at the level of the heart, mind and spirit, their ability to assess and understand people accurately is compromised.”

– James A. Forbes

Philippians

Okay. So I guess that time has come where I tell you what’s up in Pooks life lately. Although I was writing something else out on paper…but I’ll add that in later, after I summarize my week.

Yes, last week was a little rough. That shocking devastation on when you realize people you thought were friends, really aren’t. But let’s just keep moving forward. Thank my big sister, Arlene, for posting; “Today I look ahead and not back! And am not a prisoner to the past!” Of coarse there was a bible scripture attached; ” (Philippians 3:13) Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but [this] one thing [I do], forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,

Same thing, different words. Anywho, keeping that in mind. On we go. Haha!

I have this cute little story about an abandoned tree that found a home to share. I think I’ll just copy and paste an FB status,  the peeps on my FB may have already seen the story, but that’s okay. It’s really kind of sweet. I’ll just edit it a little bit so it makes more sense. It took place over the weekend during a visit with my children.

C360_2014-12-14-00-17-41-723After our dinner,  we found this cute fake tree abandoned on the curb during our walk, so we took it for a walk with us and brought it home. So instead of putting up my blue Christmas tree like always, we decorated this one. It’s a special tree, it has it’s own sweet story behind it that will just remind me of my son and daughter, and this night. My daughter and I made our own tree topper for it, rather than buying one. It’s a one of a kind lil angel. Lol I love it!” – Pooks

C360_2014-12-14-00-42-53-888 That was one of the sweet things that happened over the weekend. My daughter and I got crafty and made our own tree-topper angel out of coffee filters, and we even made snowflakes. My son was thoroughly impressed with our skills.

Anyways, on Monday I met up with a friend at Coffee Culture for lunch. We caught up, that was nice. And he surprised me with a baby poinsettia. Which I eventually placed beside my mini Christmas tree. Everything is so small and cute this year. Hehe!

Tuesday I was supposed to meet up with another friend, but I don’t think he got my message about meeting at 1pm instead. So we probably missed each-other. We were to meet at the Fire Roasted Coffee place in Wortley Village. I went, and they did have good coffee. It warmed me up for the walk back.

However, I did go to the Central Library where I did see other familiar faces, such as Dan Lenart, Istvan Sipos, and Jeremy Jeresky. Dan popped up behind me in the Library, while I was using a highlighter. He said hi, which put a smile on my face. Jeremy and Istvan were sitting out front of the Library in a booth called The Department of Gossip and Complaints. I was requested to photograph them, and put it up on FB. Done! Istvan noticed my pants, which were half red, and half black, like a jester!! Haha! Of coarse!! I looove Jesters! Thank you for noticing. 🙂  Newho…the picture of the Department of Gossip and Complaints.

B5ALhQpIYAAyBm_.jpg large

Istvan Sipos & Jeremy Jeresky, The Department of Gossip and Complaints

That’s a pretty good idea to engage with the people. Personally, I think they should try it again some time with The Department of Ideas and Solutions, and just kinda see what happens. I think gossip and complaints kinda focus’ on issues, on the negative. Although if they were to say try idea’s and solutions, it would get people think differently, use their imaginations, and the feedback may be more positive. Just a thought. I’m not criticizing, it’s just an idea branched off their idea, what they’re doing is great. Just maybe…they can take it even farther.

Newho, that is their project. Do with it whatever they may. It’s a good way to find out what’s going on, because I believe the best news source are the people that live it. So yesh, absorb all that info you little sponges!! Lol I know, I’m freakin weird.

Shortly after I took that pic,  sitting at a table set up beside them was this religious dude, that thought he could preach to me about god. What is it about me that makes these people automatically assume I need saving? What if I think they’re the ones that need the saving? Hm? Newho, I find that pretty damn judgmental. It must be my “Misfit” tuque. Perhaps it translates to them as “sinner”. Haha! I don’t know. Newho, he only wanted to talk to me for 4 minutes but I declined, and nodded my head “no”. I really wanted to go out for a smoke. However, I think my mischievous little  smile made him smile regardless. I’m contagious like that. Haha! No words need to be spoken, the smiles enough. Before I left, he said “God loves you.”

Wednesday…today. I was searching up and down throughout this house for my court agreement giving the exact details on the schedule. I did not find it. I think I only found page 3. I did call my lawyers office, and Merrymount to e-mail me a copy, and now I can say that I no longer have to stress over it. It has been e-mailed. So tomorrow I will definitely print that out and head over to the Salvation Army Christmas Hamper thing.

The reason I won’t go without that court document is because I was given a hard time in the past by them, for only having access and not custody. Even though I still only have access, and not custody. It might go differently this time. Back then, my visits were under supervision. Now, I see my kids on weekends, I have them over on weekends. Not all. There are those 4 hour visits on Fridays in between. But still. I see them every weekend. So I should be eligible.

I have a friend that knows the manager, and said she would come with me in case I run into any problems. That’s so sweet of her.

Since I was distracted looking for these papers, I was late for my Leads appointment today. Instead of going over empathy we talked about other things. Which eventually led to my worker wanting to help get my status card re-newed, and apply to get my children’s status cards. That’s cool.

I kinda need to update my status card, it expired last year…or the year before. Whatever. It’s expired. Newho, why do I need it? If you haven’t noticed, I’ve been wearing the same pair of glasses for the last 3 years. I think I’m due to visit my optometrist. I have new frames, they just need my prescription lenses.

These are the frames that need the prescription lenses

These are the frames that need the prescription lenses

Although, it’s scary, every time I go, my optometrist says I might be getting closer to a time where I’ll need laser eye surgery.  My eyes are pretty bad without my glasses. I’m a blind little bat. Thankfully my eyes haven’t worsened the last time I got my eyes checked, and hopefully they didn’t get worse since then. The thought of laser eye surgery makes me cringe. One little fuck up and my sight is gone!! As an artist and a writer that is terrifying.

Newho, I feel very fortunate to know the people I do. To have the connections I do. To have people that want to be there to help and support. Which brings me back to what I had written down on paper and was originally going to post. A blog post focusing on gratitude.

I am grateful for… – not being afraid to express myself. I’m not afraid to be me. I don’t have to walk on glass, put on a show, and pretend just to impress others. I am grateful for being very honest, and true to myself. Perhaps being the “crazy artist” reduces the fear.

– my morning coffee. Obviously!! Coffee addict here! 😛

– those wondrous moments when I gaze up at the sky, the moon and the stars

–  those rare walks in the fog

Burwell Street, London,ON. Photo taken by moi!

Burwell Street, London,ON. Photo taken by moi!

– meals and coffee with good company

– curiousity

– the acceptance of friends and family, no matter what my opinion or perspective may be

– intelligent friends that can discuss ideas rather than childishly  gossip about people.

– the roof over my head, and the food I eat.

–  my children and the time I have with them

– being woken up on weekends to my daughters smiling face

– being able to make the best of, and have fun wherever I am with my children. It doesn’t matter where we are. We make it fun.

– exploring creativity with my daughter doing arts and crafts B4yKF6tCMAAk5uW – getting my exercise chasing my children around in a game of Tickle Monster/ Hide N’ Seek

– being accompanied during my walks by my children, and sharing that love of walking and exploring.

–  being silly, and making others laugh. Especially my children. Their laughter is my favorite. ❤

– laughter

– empathy, even if I do tend to care too much

– Leads, The Arts Project, New School of Colour, The Ark

– waking up to a new day with many possibilities!

That’s all I had written down so far. I’m sure I can think of more for next week. Thank you for reading! Love and hugs! – Pooks

“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”

– Shannon L. Alder

It’s all New

Hello again.

It’s been an interesting week I guess. Not only that, but for awhile there I was in this odd routine that was slightly off. Ya know? Almost right, but not quite regarding my sleeping schedule. For the past week or so I have been falling asleep earlier, and waking up at 4:30am. I’ve been loving it though. Actually being awake in the morning. In a way, it feels like my day is a bit longer. Like I bought myself time somehow. Especially since I was a night owl normally going to sleep at 4:30am, and waking up god knows when in the afternoon. So yes, the change is quite nice, although today I slept in til 6:30am. I think that’s more closer to the average person. That was just one of those things I wanted to tackle, my sleep schedule, and voila! It kinda worked out on it’s own. Sometimes I set my alarm, but I normally wake up on my own without it bright and early lately. As for staying up late, it would be amazing if I can stay awake past 11pm.

What else? Punctuality was something I also wanted to work on personally, and I’ve been surprising myself lately. Being on time for appointments, rather than late, and walking to my appointments rather than taking the bus. Strange how my own two feet are more reliable timing wise than a bus. But then again, that’s the fun part of being a pedestrian, you can take short cuts that vehicles can’t exactly. While they travel in a grid format, I can wonder on a diagonal.

At my last Leads appointment, we were going more over communication, and assertiveness. I admit, when it comes to the assertive part, it has been a struggle. It’s a trigger. In my mind, it’s like being assertive will lead to an assault. It signifies danger, and putting myself in danger. It’s happened a number of times before with the ex, my supposed mom… Some people just can’t take the word “no” for an answer. Or any opposing opinion or perspective for that matter. My worker told me that not all conflict is a negative, and that conflict can lead to progress. Something to think about. I normally just try to avoid it. Shut it out…walk away…

I re-connected with an art friend. She too had some things for me to ponder about lately. She was sharing her wisdom as a parent, a woman, an artist, and she’s another who has survived abuse… Anyway, she told me something that I’ve yet to wrap my head around when it comes to these abusive people I encounter in my life. “Love the person, deal with the behavior.”

So maybe it’s not the person I hate. It’s their behavior. Makes sense. But it is hard to see who they really are as people if they are behaving so… cruel. You kind of just think, that’s the way they are. No, that’s a choice they made on the way to behave. Although when it comes to my ex, that is a very conscience choice. He admitted he attacks people psychologically. He’s aware of the damage. I guess the only thing that can be done for that kind of behavior is to not acknowledge it. So he’s gonna talk shit amongst his friends, let him. It’s not like his friends know who the fuck I am anyway, so their opinions of me are entirely irrelevant. So is my ex’s, his idea of who I am is back ass-wards. And he can’t blame my family(they’re not in the picture), or his family ( they’re not in the picture either) this time around because there’s just him and his big mouth.

Anyway, love the person, not the behavior. The person…he’s actually quite nerdy, funny sometimes, quiet, and insecure. He’s 6’1”, but he pictures himself much smaller. Sometimes I think he’s stuck mentally as a 12 year old boy. The behavior, his ego. Acts all macho, power-trips when things don’t go his way…It’s like he thinks that being an asshole = testosterone. Like he needs to be an asshole in order to be “manly”. Maybe he picked up that behavior from his gay step dad who was probably in denial of being gay at the time. I don’t know. It’s a possibility. Anyway…trying to understand it, and divide the two… this is the person I will have to co-parent with, even if he is difficult to communicate with.

I like the analogy my Leads worker used, some people are like tantruming 2 year olds, there is no getting through to them.

I did change my phone number, cutting contact with my ex that way. I think he abused that privilege. My number was given to him in regards of our kids, and emergencies. I was getting text messages about a hooker harassing him. Getting accused of stealing from him, and tampering with his property… Overall, just harassed, verbally and psychologically abused. So, if you’re going to be an ass, no, you don’t deserve my number. If he has something to say to me, pass it through Merrymount. That is what they are there for. Returning to Merrymount was his idea, and is becoming quite beneficial to me actually. So thank you. Especially since my ex has it in his head that he can continue to abuse me. No, we’re over. Pooks and “Mogley” ( Nigel, Caski, whatever name he wants to go by) ended years ago. There is no going back, and there might not be a friendship to salvage. But for the kids sake, they need 2 parents that can work together cooperatively and be civil in their presence. So in that sense, he needs to grow the fuck up. It’s not about him, me, or us, it’s about them. Get used to it. He is no longer on the pedestal, they are!

Anywho, enough about him. It’s gonna take a while for me to divide him, from his behavior. He is not his behavior. Convincing myself that may take some time. I have this thought of that common quote; Actions speak louder than words.

Anyway, I am fortunate to have the people I do in my life. Some with more knowledge and experience.

Awhile ago, I retweeted a quote; The wisest men follow their own direction and listen to no prophet guiding them. – Euripides. Someone had responded with; Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed. (Proverbs 15:22) . My reaction was to repel it due to my anger towards religion. I feel it has only caused more suffering and damage in this world. But I guess you don’t  fully understand something, until you live it. I do have a lot of support, it’s not like I am alone. And maybe some guidance is necessary from those whom have lived similar circumstances so that I don’t go repeating the same mistakes. In other words, guidance can help you to try something else, something new. It can open your mind to new ideas that may be useful. So not to go totally trashing the Bible, perhaps there’s some value in it. Not all, obviously. It is a very pro-violence, discriminating book towards homosexuals, women, race, and people of any other faith. I support unity, and the bible, and/or religion, encourages the division of the people, and rather then accepting people for who they are, they try to conform them. No bueno!

Anywho, what else? Monday was the New School of Colour. There will be one more session, then it’s closed for the holidays. It’ll re-open the second week of January. I am typing this so that I will remember this as well.

This past Monday was interesting, Ducky was was trying something called water painting. Although, she will need enamel paint, since her attempts with acrylic and oil didn’t quite turn out as she had hoped. She may or may not be able to afford the supplies herself, so if you can help, we, at the New School of Colour, are always in need of supplies.

http://www.newschoolofcolour.com/donate.html

She is thinking about submitting it into this years Twitter Art Exhibition in Norway. I participated last year. It’s a good way to get your art out there in other parts of the world, and support a worthy cause. Last year, the fundraiser was for a Contemporary Dance Studio who gives dance classes to the disabled. I remember being quite proud to be a part of it. Wither my art sold or not, my art got to travel! Yaaay! 🙂 This year it will be for families in need of homes. I hope to participate again. Ducky said she would find out how much it will cost to mail a post card sized art piece to Norway, and get back to me with that info. Probably more than it was to mail something to Florida I’m guessing. But yeah, if she’s participating, yaaay! That might make 2 of us New School of Colour artists!

Umm…what else? Fred’s new Medieval Times painting is quite humorous at the New School of Colour. I say so because he is painting the New School of Colours facilitator in prison. Why would you paint Jeremy Jeresky in a prison? It is a funny painting though. Newho, Jeremy said he should be painted as a jester, which is interesting. Why a jester? He knows I love jesters. Hmmm….  Jesters are cool mind you. Happy to see someone else can see that too. Or maybe I’m just spreading the love and appreciation for jesters. They are quite awesome! Don’t be deceived by their appearance, they may look and act foolish, but they are powerful.

Shaco. The Demon Jester by jsuursoo .  Source: http://jsuursoo.deviantart.com/art/Shaco-The-Demon-Jester-332686333

Shaco. The Demon Jester by jsuursoo .
Source: http://jsuursoo.deviantart.com/art/Shaco-The-Demon-Jester-332686333

Besides that, my home is currently….under construction so to speak. Today there is supposed to be someone coming by regarding this mice issue, that my ex threatened to report as a health hazard. Also saying his friends are encouraging him to call C.A.S. Which would be stupid to get them back involved considering we just closed an 8 year case…but that’s besides the point. His friends have no say. They don’t know me, they never entered my home. So they can shut their holes. Fuck his stupid addict friends and whatever they say. Yes, there’s mice, but I am on it. It is an old house, and I kind of understand why everybody else on this street owns a pet. The vents here aren’t the small little vents, they are big enough for mice to access. I believe their form of entry was my basement. I tried this sound frequency thing, which only works temporarily. Stupid things come back. I’ve searched for this peppermint oil, which is only available online. I guess mice really hate the smell of it. I was looking for natural, less harmful ways to deal with them. But as a last resort, pest control it is, and they can do whatever they do.

I was supposed to have this house cleaned up, but my furnace is down. So half of my house is freezing freakin cold, and the other half, thanks to the electric fire place (friends gave me before they moved to Saskatchewan) , and 2 heaters (lent to me by First Nation Housing Co-op) is now kind of comfortable. I no longer need to be bundled up in my outdoor gear and blankets.

A new furnace will be installed tomorrow. So yeah. I kind of need to stay put for awhile. Hopefully everything will be all good to go for this coming weekend, I have muh babies coming over!

I will need to move some furniture around so that the people installing the new furnace can easily get through to the basement with their equipment and what not. Meaning…I have to move the couch. Things will look a little chaotic here for a while. But that gives me Friday to get it all back in order, so to speak.

Friday, that reminds me… I am volunteering at The Arts Project that day for an event called Blast. For those that are unaware, Blast = Artists unite. It’s basically an event to get local artists networking and creating together. I think it’s a pretty cool idea. Admission is free. Although if you want beverages from the bar, you’ll have to pay for that. The hours of the event go from 4:30pm – 7pm on December 5th. So if you’re in London, ON, check it out! Mingle with your fellow artists. Maybe I’ll see you there. I’ll be the ninja in black, ahem, I mean, volunteer floater greeting at the door. Haha!

I got a couple things to ponder…regarding life. My life.

It kinda reminds me of what my Leads worker said, my time is valuable, I decide what I am going to do with it, not anyone else.

I feel like it’s expected of me to be greedy, competitive, and want more I guess. That’s the social norm. To capitalize. But like I said before, I am happy volunteering, writing this blog, and creating art. Even if I’m not getting paid. I don’t value money like everyone else. That’s not important to me. What’s important are the lives I touch, and the message I leave behind.

A friend of mine suggested that more pictures need to be put into this blog. Just some constructive criticism. Maybe some people need more visual stimulation, I don’t know. So if you notice more images lately, that’s why.  I’ll give it shot, and give credit where it’s due. Not all images are mine.

This friend has also critiqued my art. Making suggestions of how to paint my current painting. I am putting it to use, regarding colour, and noticing a huge difference, especially when shading with opposites. I’m still gonna use titanium white so that my paint is more opaque. Translucence is not exactly what I’m aiming for at the moment. Although, I am still working on the background which isn’t going to be the center of attention in this picture. I may attempt her translucent glazing idea on the “Tree People” in the foreground. I think that’s where the technique she suggested will be more useful. Although, it does sound like a more time consuming process, especially with oil paint. Layers and layers and layers. It wouldn’t be the first time a painting of mine has taken me a long time to complete. It might make the center of focus stand out in the picture. Which is what I want. They need to look warm, alive, and be the focus. So probably more detail and contrast on them. Thank her for broadening my horizons when it comes to colour and light. I need to try to keep my mind open to new things, new perspectives, and ideas.

My work in progress. The next oil painting to be. Not a current picture of shading the orange shapes w/ it's opposite colour. It has improved since this shot. - Pooks

My work in progress. The next oil painting to be. Not a current picture of shading the orange shapes w/ it’s opposite colour. It has improved since this shot. – Pooks

Newho, I had quite a bit to write there. It’s turning into my next book. Haha! I’ll end it there. Thank you for reading. Love and hugs! – Pooks

“Be open to new thoughts, to new people, to new principles, to new ideas, to new experiences. “NEW” MAKES US GROW”- Rossana Condoleo

"I am art." - Pooks

“I am art.” – Pooks

Fully Exposed

Go ahead. Say it's slander. But from an artists perspective, it is photography, art, displaying raw emotion and use of composition

Go ahead. Say it’s slander. But from an artists perspective, it is photography, art, displaying raw emotion and the use of composition

If you recall from a previous post regarding one of the offensive things my son has been saying towards his father, about how he can't wait til he's older so he can put an axe in his head. I drew out that fantasy with my own anger regarding our situation. I am pissed off and fed up with his b.s. Art is a far healthier way to cope with negative emotions without having to do anything

If you recall from a previous post regarding one of the offensive things my son has been saying towards his father, about how he can’t wait til he’s older so he can put an axe in his father’s head. I drew out that fantasy with my own anger regarding our situation. I am pissed off and fed up with his b.s. Art is a far healthier way to cope with negative emotions without having to do anything.

As you can see I have been using art as an outlet. But now I lift the curtain, so to speak. If I get accused of slander, so be it. I hope so. By all means put the spotlight right on my blog, this situation could use more attention obviously. Especially as a highlight of the psychological abuse I have to tolerate when my ex plays with my access when it comes to my children, as if it were a yo-yo.

Hmmm… what else can be highlighted? Obviously the verbal abuse. My ex constantly putting my son down to the point my son no longer feels good about himself. Even his weight get’s mocked because my ex doesn’t like “fat people”. I’ve seen this before, with my own foster parents. My dad never used to be as big, but he constantly had his wife at the time putting him down. Kind of hard to be confident if someone is there to constantly criticize you. My dad turned to t.v and junkfood. My son, he’s turned to videogames and food. Videogames to ignore and shut out the world, and food for comfort. Sometimes he eats to the point he pukes. Not very healthy there, now is it?

Our son calls his dad a goof, a douche, says he’s stupid, dumb and annoying. Where could he be getting it from? Why is there so much anger towards his father? My ex says from school, from friends…but that’s what he does, points the finger everywhere else but at himself. From my visits, I witnessed my ex calling my son names. Even called our son Hitler at the dinner table. They bicker back and forth, and when my son say’s he cannot wait to grow up and put an axe in his fathers head, his father encourages this and says he looks forward to the physical altercation.

There is obviously favoritism, my ex favors our daughter over our son and treats our daughter very differently than our son. As I’ve mentioned before, he is more gentle. His tone of voice is even more gentle. Yet, with our son, there is no hesitation to yell at him and threaten him constantly. No wonder our son has anxiety. He is living in constant fear thanks to his father who thinks fear is the appropriate way to discipline the children.

The reason C.A.S let my ex take our children away from me was due to “cleanliness”. Note, I was cleaning up after his filthy ass without C.A.S even knowing of it, and yeah, gave up. Clean up your own filth. But if they saw his home now, his kitchen…it’s no wonder they were all sick not that long ago. Can’t touch anything in that room, or even the table they eat at, without getting some kind of sticky residue on you. I was constantly washing my hands while I was there for visits. Can you say health hazard? I mean, London Housing even warned him about the mess, did he do anything? No. It’s still a mess. Because he doesn’t do anything. The kids are just an extra pay cheque to him, more weed.

He keeps bouncing the kids from school to school, even if our son was finally doing well. Figures, they adjust to the changes, and just like that, their dad goes and disrupts that because he feels threatened by the school…again. At Wilton Grove, the school board was getting suspicious regarding our sons aggressive behavior. I was in question, although I think that assumption deteriorated once I showed up to the meeting and they met me in person…My ex was in question, and bam! The kids get pulled out of that school and placed into the Catholic School next door. He runs as soon as anyone suspects anything.

So, At the Catholic School next door to Wilton Grove, they were going to call the police because my ex wasn’t bringing in our children to school, and not notifying them with any reason of absence. The truth is, he’s lazy and sleeps in. Can’t blame the kids, they actually get up pretty early, and our daughter is the first to wake up. But of coarse, he can’t admit that. He’s a freakin godsend according to his ego. So instead of facing the school, the problem, he takes it as a personal threat, regardless if our children are doing well in that school, and pulls them out of that school to home-school instead. Hence why I wasn’t pleased with that decision, because it wasn’t based on our children at all, it was entirely selfish and based on himself…as usual.

He keeps running into problems with organizations within society, such as the schools, they aren’t stupid. Clearly they can see something is up.

Why don’t I report him to C.A.S? Haha! They made it more than obvious that they will not listen to any of my concerns. I mean, even our son knows the situation is messed up, he flat out asked me if I was assaulted by their father ( In December 2008), why are they ( him and his sister) living with their dad? Well son, our society is racist and since mommy is coloured, they will disregard the assault, and any other concerns regarding your father.

My ex is wishy-washy, and unstable. He can go from “we’re friends” to “we’re enemies” in an instant. Hence why I call him a schizophrenic. Funny how that health record stating he was a borderline schizophrenic miraculously disappeared. How convenient. Let’s focus on his edginess. It goes beyond anxiety. It’s paranoia. He walks around with things he can use as weapons, hidden in/or under his coat. There’s a sharp piece of metal he bent, he said it can poke out someones eyes. Around his neck, under his coat is a wire, which is intended for strangulation “if anyone decides to jump him” ( “it’s more clean & not as messy”) . In his home, he has a golf club ( he doesn’t play golf, and he said it would make a great weapon if it were to be used on someones head), a crowbar, and a samurai sword hidden in the rafters of his basement. Our daughter mentioned her fear of the sword, but was told that it is no longer in the house. But I was shown otherwise. Supposedly that was supposed to assure me of their safety. With the way he treats our son and I, I don’t see those as weapons of “safety” and defense. If anything, a red flag.

I seem to be blogging a lot lately, and using as many creative outlets as possible. I will, until I no longer feel the need and it is all out of my system.

The text messages and phone calls… as I said before, he’s the one contacting me. I would rather not hear from him over the week, especially if it’s regarding nonsense, and not an emergency. The random text messages out of the blue regarding the pants, and threatening my access over 2 pairs of pants. Phone calls how some girl is starting some drama. No idea why he was telling me that, let alone what he expected me to do about it. His problems with other women isn’t any of my business. Nor do I care. As long as our kids are fine. Who the fuck cares?! Getting accused for stealing money from him and tampering with his propane tank. Wow. As I said before and made it very clear within this blog, I despise money, so why the fuck would I steal it? And I think I got better things to do than go around sneaking in his neighborhood putting our children in danger. Seriously? That’s fuckin lame and ridiculous. Ya know? His mind is so far gone, I don’t even think he knows what’s real and unreal anymore. He’s somewhere else, it certainly isn’t here.

Anyway, what else? whomever he suspects is stealing from him, it shifts, TO THE PEOPLE HE LETS INTO HIS HOME! That makes more sense. The people he surrounds himself with are questionable. I never feel safe around his crowd. Addicts, Junkies, Alcoholics, petty thieves, hookers, criminal types. As long as you have weed, he’s your friend. I don’t even think he knows the definition of friendship. It seems to be based on people using people for something in return.

I’ve gotten text messages regarding if I have a printer… The only thing remotely close to an emergency  regarding our children, via text messages or phone calls, was that he pulled our kids out of school. Turns out, that doesn’t really have anything to do with our kids, now does it?

During one of the visits he confessed that there is something about me that stresses him out. That has to do with me and my past of self mutilation. I don’t do that anymore, haven’t for years. He says he’s afraid to hurt my feelings. Haha! That changed rather quickly, he sure as hell isn’t afraid to use our children, and my access to hurt me if I so much as disagree with anything he says. Right, he’s so smart, he knows all. He’s so “godly”. Pssssh…. Get over yourself. If you want to talk about politics, religion, sociology, etc, expect and respect an opposite opinion. No 2 perspectives are the same. And anyone mature enough to converse of such things  would be open to someone that challenges their thinking capabilities. Kind of funny he got so anal considering he was the one that told me before there were no absolutes, yet he sure seems mighty sure of himself and his opinion. No no no! Can’t disagree with him. He’ll power-trip you if you do, and not let you and your kids do anything for the remainder of the visit, but stare at a screen. Then he’ll cut your access from your children. Sounds like a bitch to me.

He keeps telling me to pick a side, God or Satan. I choose neither. Not only do I think it’s all a fiction, a hoax to control the masses of people when it comes to Religion, the Bible, Jesus, and God. Hell and Satan were invented to induce fear. When people are scared, they are easier to control. That is how abuse works. But why pick sides? That’s the problem with this freakin world. There always has to be a side. What if there isn’t a side, and we can just be? Accepting each-other regardless of our differences. Bible thumpers cannot see that perspective for some fucked up reason. Too brain-washed I guess. It’s all about division, and judgement with them. I admit, I’ve been struggling with my faith. I barely believe that there is even a Creator.  As for the white mans religion, I sometimes think such things as how much it would make me laugh if their supposed god returned as a coloured woman. That would pop a lot of egos, and be highly amusing. But I doubt the return. And when I hear religious people babble on hallelujah, praise jesus! Amen! The power of Christ! He has returned! I think they are full of shit. They all come off as crazy to me. I’m sure when they hear my perspectives, they think I’m crazy as well. So yay! We’re even. Maybe your creator isn’t ever going to come back because it has been divided into each and every single living entity. Until there is unity, there is no “return” so to speak. No peace. No “heaven on earth”, because we’re too dumb and would rather continue to live as slaves in our own personal hell we created. It is what we make it. Isn’t that what we were supposedly given, free will? Let the Capitalist rule. See what happens when you put humans in charge when humans are not meant to lead. Let alone capable without corruption. That’s another way to look at it I guess. If you really go far back, as my ex claims he has, but obviously hasn’t. God= The Sun. The “giver of life”. You praise the damn sunshine you nut bars, and have been for centuries! It’s all astrology. And I am a reflection of light you imagined here, because yes, your mind is that freakin powerful. We all are, you just don’t believe it.

Anyway, my ex clearly trolls my blog, has been for years. I mean, seriously? He thinks he can suddenly sweet talk me with my interest in sociology? Dude, your ship has sailed a long time ago, and it isn’t ever going to come back. “You’re such a vampire.” Haha! Where else could you have gotten that idea of me, besides this blog where I given that analogy where I’m like a vampire. I don’t go anywhere, unless invited. And there’s been other numerous hints that yeah, he’s my number one troll. Get a life.

He says I’m not scary, but he’s sure afraid of my energy when I’m angry. That’s because I know how to use it. How to transform it. I’ve been sharing my story of us for years, and thanks to his B.S it is just ongoing. Why the fuck should I protect his face and name? I’ve lost all fucks given. He sure as hell doesn’t hesitate to bring my name up numerous times. Now we’re equal. Balanced so to speak. If you want to be the negative impact in my life, I will write and draw it out. It will be recorded, and become history. He chose to be immortalized as the bitch, and the douche in our story with the never ending abuse. – Pooks

“The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious. In fact, even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man’s emotional abuse is what is causing them the greatest harm.”- Lundy Bancroft

More Flip-Flopping Bullshit

Blogging 4- 5 days early, thanks to my schizophrenic ex! Seriously, he’s loco! Fuckin guy goes from “we’re friends” to freakin enemies in less than a day. And quite honestly, I am sick of that shit. As I’ve said before, he’s worse than a girl. Well there’s a good example with all that emo flip-flopping bullshit. He’s on his own! Fuck him.

He took the kids out of school this week because he’s having problems with the school again. This time the Catholic School. He’s freaking out over the fact that they took pictures without his consent. Well I guess the government, or O.S.S.D, needs some kind of photo identification of some sort of all students filed. But not only that, they threatened to call the police on him for not bringing the kids to school. Well… don’t do that. Don’t threaten him, because he’s a coward that will do what he does. He’ll pick up and run. In this case, take the kids out of the Catholic School, and consider homeschooling them instead. Note, this has nothing to do with the kids. Matter of fact, they were doing well in school.  It’s only because the school threatened HIM. Not the first time that happened. The last school our kids were at, they were getting suspicious of the father regarding our son’s aggressive behavior, and what did he do? He took our kids out of the school, and placed them into the Catholic School. He’s running, the moment anyone has any hint or idea of what the heck is going on, he runs.

You want to know why my son was acting up so much at that public school?? Maybe it’s because he is constantly being verbally abused by his father. He get’s called every name in the book. So of coarse he does not feel good about himself, and he takes it out on others. It’s a cycle. Yes, he needs to learn another form of release. A healthier way to cope. Although the best solution would be to take him right out of that environment, ahem, the home he is currently in. But no, let’s keep him there. And no matter how much I try to boost my son’s self-esteem, he doesn’t believe me. He says, “I don’t believe you. My Dad says I’m a prick.” Last weekend I showed him a picture of himself as a baby, and said he was adorable. That was the response I got, the one where he got called a prick by his father.

I mean, it’s not like he works. He does fuck all all day. Let alone clean his house for that matter (his kitchen is disgusting btw). London Housing did an inspection not too long ago, and warned him about the mess, and yeah, still a pig stye. He’s lazy. And he doesn’t have to do much. Get the kids to school?! That’s pretty freakin simple. All the other parents in the ghetto can do it. But no, not my ex. They’re always late, or they don’t show up at all.  Hence why the school was going to call the police. He didn’t get them into school before 1pm, let alone at all that day, and didn’t notify the school  with any reason of absence. Although sleeping in probably isn’t a good reason.

So he was thinking of home schooling, and suddenly wanted to take this big leap of trust in me out of the blue. Asking me to help educate our children when it comes to that decision. Saying I could get more access if I do. Of coarse I’m gonna be thinking wtf? He was accusing me of stealing shit, and didn’t want me on his property not too long ago. I respected that. But now suddenly he wants to supposedly “trust” me, and he’s all buddy buddy inviting me over for Thanksgiving and even invited me to sleep on the couch.I went along with it. Thinking, ya know? He probably thinks we’ll get back together, and yeah, I’m gonna disappoint him once again, because we’re not. My mind is flat out clear on that.

Anywho, this evening, I get to his place to visit the kids, and he thinks he can babble my ear off about sociology, the government, illuminati, ebola…jesus and shit etc,. No, I’m there to visit the kids, and matter of fact, they hate it when their father babbles on and on trying to take my attention from them. We did bicker a little about Jesus. Two different points of views. He’s a believer, I’m not. I don’t appreciate when someone tries to push their opinion on me, and yeah, I said ENOUGH! I’m not there to debate and argue. I’m there for the kids. But yeah, since when does he ever really think of them? Anyway, he was pretty sour for the rest of the evening.

During the whole visit, we weren’t allowed to do anything but stare at my ex’s flat screen t.v without him getting pissed off about it. I mean, even our son tried to play quietly with his toys, but no, my ex didn’t like the noise he was making. Okay Hitler! Apparently were not allowed to do shit. Our son asked if we could play outside, nope. That wasn’t allowed either. Hide N’ Seek is not allowed inside. Hide N’ Seek is not allowed outside. No tag. No running. No nothing.

He sent them up for their bath-time, and said I had to go. I was basically getting kicked out. Unusual because before he used to let me stay until the kids went to bed. Heck, last weekend, I was helping out with homework. Not this time. And I questioned his behavior, mentioned that he seemed kind of grumpy. He denied it, and I pointed out the tone of his voice and body language. He just said bye, and shut the door on my face. But sure enough, like the coward he is, he waits til I’m gone and sends a text message stating that he was ease-dropping on a conversation I had with my son. Yeah I said he was a grouch. My son mistook the word grouch for douche, and I said “yeah, his dad can be sometimes.” I was actually putting that pretty lightly considering. Anyone who knows me, him, this situation, or anyone who has been following my journey, would more than likely agree; He’s a full out douche bag.

I go through a lot of shit with that guy. A lot of unpleasant shit. Unnecessary shit. Too much shit.

I don’t care if he supposedly recorded my conversation. Good. I hope he listens to it over and over again, because it’s the truth. He’s a grouch, he’s lazy, and yeah I think he’s a douche. That’s pure honesty. I only put it lightly for our kids sake.

But whatever. He said it would be better off if we did pick ups and drop offs at Merrymount, that is if I’m still interested in the visits, they’ll be in touch. Taking those steps backwards again. Not only that, but he even texted me telling ME to not text or phone him anymore. Umm.. what?? He’s the one that’s been contacting me all week. Pointless text messages and phone calls about a printer, or a hooker harassing him, or people stealing things from his house, etc. Look at the crowd you surround yourself with! It hasn’t changed. Still addicts only interested in their next fix. Of coarse they’re going to steal from you. Ugh! Besides, I’d rather only have contact when necessary. I don’t want to hear from him during the week if it’s not an emergency regarding our children.I believe I’ve mentioned that before, but it’s not like he ever listens anyone.

So yeah, more flip flopping bullshit from my schizophrenic ex. My kids shouldn’t be in that environment with him, but they are.

One day, our kids will be old enough to make their own decision of where they want to be, and I doubt they will want to stay with him. It doesn’t really look like they enjoy it there. Especially if they are not allowed to play. Let alone have a parent put time aside to play WITH them.

Although, if things keep going the way they’re going, with the schools and whatnot, they’ll catch on soon enough. Or someone will. And he’ll lose the kids by his own doing. I’m not helping him no more. He’s on his own. If he loses the kids, he loses them. And I will fight whoever comes next for my access, wither it be C.A.S or a family placement. I have every right to see my kids. My ex is just being a power-tripping douche. Ya know? I tend to think if my ex loses our kids, so do I. But that’s not entirely true. I don’t know that. If he does lose our children, it could mean opportunity.

Thank you C.A.S, for putting my kids in such a horrible home. You gave him quite the ego boost. Freakin guy thinks he’s invisible and untouchable now.

Smh. This evening while watching t.v, he said he didn’t like selfish people that only think of themselves. I don’t think he has taken a real good look at himself within these last few years. But then again, he is probably too cowardly to do so. Heaven forbid his ego was a lie. – Pooks

“Rage — whether in reaction to social injustice, or to our leaders’ insanity, or to those who threaten or harm us — is a powerful energy that, with diligent practice, can be transformed into fierce compassion.” – Bonnie Myotai Treace

"You want to talk about religion?! Here is a symbol of your precious religion that I actually use. Unlike my ex, the supposed Jesus believer, the pathological liar." - Pooks

“You want to talk about religion?! Here is a symbol of your precious religion that I actually use. Unlike my ex, the supposed Jesus believer, the pathological liar. This blog is my sword of truth.” – Pooks

Stirring the Emotional Riot

After an hour of just sitting here contemplating what to write, staring at this blank space…it’s time to write.

I feel like I’ve been trying to avoid what is on my mind. Maybe it will just be better if I get it out.

Next Tuesday there will be a Rally and March in Solidarity with Mike Brown, Ferguson, and all the victims of police violence.  I will be attending, because quite honestly, I think the police don’t hesitate to kill a coloured person in this racist world. It happens way too often. I am reminded of Dudley George, whom was also killed by a police officer.

Colour is not a crime, for some reason we are the targets. Gaza, Palestine, Israel, all colour. Whose supplying the weapons? U.S? U.K? Obviously a wealthy old white man. If you think about Pipeline number 9, where it begins and ends, are aboriginal communities that experience the side effects. I know when I say side effects, it doesn’t sound like much, but literally these communities lives are put at risk. Besides the pipeline, Aamjiwnaang First Nations are exposed to the pollutants in “Chemical Valley”. Many community members there have died from cancer. Apparently, people of colour are on top of the list of extermination.

My ex told me to look of Georgia’s Stone, and what I found was frightful. Carved in stone are the following words; “Maintain humanity under 500,000,000.” That’s just one of the “commandments” written by man. Limiting the population of the earth to 500 million will require the EXTERMINATION of nine-tenths of the world’s people. That means, only 10% whom they choose, will be worthy of living.

Well no wonder your Government is trying to poison you with GMO’s, and fuck up your natural resources, they are literally trying to kill you.

As for the police, they supposedly serve and protect. Serve and protect who? Definitely not the people. I mean, they’ll show up at peaceful rallies and make arrests no problem. Yet, our Government is full of criminals, and not a single arrest is made. Instead of fighting for peace, they fight against it. The only thing they serve and protect are the interests of the Capitalists.

I think what these police officers fail to see is that without their uniform, they too are just one of the people. Not the 1%, but part of the 99%.

I fear for all people of colour, as well for anyone within the working-class or lower.  I fear for my children that are being brought up into all this. My son has already experienced some discrimination in the education system, and he’s not even 10 years old yet.

Racism seems to be an ancient form of hate we keep passing on. Partly why I turned away from religion. After doing some research and realizing it teaches people to hate each-other, and doesn’t allow people to think for themselves.

I don’t believe in a heaven, and I don’t believe in a hell. I believe those are nothing but fiction, made to induce fear so the elites can control you. The only heaven and hell there is, is what we make it here on earth. And unfortunately, too many people would rather make it a living hell. Especially the people in power. They are the ones promising you eternal life if you slave your asses off for them, so they can continue to live in luxury. Not only that, but the bible gives off the impression that if you make money, you are worthy to go to heaven. If that doesn’t make you think, or question it all, then what the fuck? Like seriously, they try to convince you, or already have for majority of the religious population, that everything will be better when you are dead. You are expected to waste your life, serving them like a machine for their sake. Meanwhile, maybe your purpose here is far greater than that.

I believe each life is valuable. Unlike capitalists that value money over life. I believe every single person was given their own unique gift to contribute to the land, and to each-other. Not for the capitalists selfish needs.

The way things are going saddens and concerns me. In a way I wish the people would just go on a Global Riot. Show your pain, show them your hurting. Tear their system down. I don’t mean to go hurting each-other, these are times when we need each-other the most.  Our differences and false illusions that separate us from each-other need to be put aside. Your blood is as red as mine. Sometimes, in order to change things, you need to deviate. It won’t happen if you’re too scared. Make as much noise as you can, because your life matters, you are valuable, and the generations that follow, their lives matter too. – Pooks

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

 

The Mechanical Reflection I Despise

Honestly, if it weren’t for my children, I’d say let humanity destroy themselves, humans are a naive and  stupid species anyway.

If you haven’t noticed, I have been feeling rather dark lately, angry, filled with hatred, and even depressed. More or less feeling rather powerless lately.

Unity, it’s a beautiful dream, but will never cease to exist as long as religion, and capitalism, and this thought that some people are more superior than others remain. I mean seriously? It’s 2014. Why the fuck do we even have a Royal family?? Kings and Queens are medieval ancient shit. Have they really done anything for their supposed kingdom? I mean, besides living their lives relishing in their wealth while millions bust their ass for barely anything.

Oh, and it seems like the religious people are the most naive. They got it in their heads that this is the way it’s meant to be, but no, this is the way their passive selves let it be. So yeah, they are kind of getting on my nerves.

Besides that, I keep telling myself I’m going to make it to school today. But then I don’t. I am letting my education slide through my fingers. Do I really want to participate in this system of conformity? Not really. Not to mention that every time I do attend, it just makes me hate capitalism even more. It is turning into a rather depressing experience. The more I learn, the more angry or sad I feel for humanity.

Perhaps this spiral began with that wire sculpture project. I was doing fine, but then, I disliked looking at this metal sculpture that was supposed to represent me made up of metal parts. I am not a machine. But that is the whole purpose of education, to mold you into the system so you work like a machine.

I find myself asking if it’s really worth draining my energy over. Is it really worth stressing over? A number on a piece of paper? So that in the future I might get more paper with more numbers on it. This is supposed to be a good thing. I am supposed to want that. But I don’t.

I don’t function based on a clock. I function based on creativity and inspiration, which can happen at any spontaneous moment. Such as the other day, I was sitting here at the computer, and boom. A poem came to mind and I rushed to find paper and pen to jot it down. Those words needed to be written, and seen. My body is merely just a portal.

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Another thing, I tend to do things at my own pace. So even though I may not be with the rest of the class, it’s not like I’m not learning. I just don’t do anything in an orderly fashion once so ever. To boot, I have the natural tendency to make things 10 times harder for myself in a sadistic kind of way. If I don’t create my own struggle, what the fuck am I learning?

I just can’t help but think, with all the shit is happening in the world today, I feel like my energy needs to be conserved for something else. Plus, I always hear people say “Do what makes you happy.” Well, conformity is not it.  Matter of fact, this whole education thing has become quite a miserable experience. Not so great as it is made out to be.

Honestly, I doubt I will ever be able to be molded into the system. It can get frustrating. Somewhat saddening because I’m not a part of something. But do I really want to be a part of that? Honestly, I feel like I’m not meant to be.

So excuse me if I feel rather pessimistic lately. Gloomy, kind of hopeless, and powerless. I have a habit to look outside of myself, rather than within. Observing the chaos I have no control over.

I was going to go help construct this 30 foot snake to bring to protests against oil and pipelines. But I didn’t even do that. I just feel anti-social, and I don’t want to be around people.

People will just continue to slave away, drive their cars, go to school, go to work,  go to church. Ignore and deny the bigger picture. Not everyone is going to wake up. Perhaps that’s what is getting me down. I can dream of a world without poverty, money, and oil. A world of unity. But it will never exist as long as people remain ignorant. And as long as religion and Capitalism exist, there will always be sexism, racism, hate towards gay people, war based on greed, etc. There will always be barriers making it impossible for people to see that people are just people. The Royal Family is no different than you and I, they are just people. The Capitalists are no different than you and I, they are just people. To the people in suits and uniforms, they are just people!! The list goes on and on. Every single one of you are just people!! But no, let’s create illusions that some are better than others for whatever stupid reason. Bullshit!

It’s a shame how easy people are manipulated. Just a bunch of mindless sheep that would rather be told what to do, and what to think, than think for themselves. Too blind to see that an education, and religion are part of a system to control what you think. I believe they call it “social order”. The 1% are the shepherds, and millions are gullible sheep.

But that’s the way it’s meant to be, right? Fuck you! – Pooks

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”- Gloria Steinem

Beauty in Diversity

What to write about? Well for starters, I can start off with the latest accusation, which would be of me supposedly being a witch. My daughter seems to think I am, and where else could she be getting these crazy accusations besides from her father, who just loves to accuse me of everything in the book. I guess he can’t really spread rumors or talk to his friends much anymore, so why not engage in this behavior with our kids?! Yup, he’s a real piece of work that one.

So here it goes. If you have been following my blog you may have noticed that I have drifted away from organized religions and churches. Especially after being mocked in front of a church by a pastor for thinking. For questioning. For imagining other possibilities.

Then I got into sociology, and realize it is just another part of the system, to conform and control the masses. As long as they have you thinking that a next life will be promised to those who are obedient, they have control. Who are they? All those in power. Your Queen, The Pope, The President, the Prime Minister, The Federal Reserve Banks, the CEO’s, ect. That 1% that is wealthy, and live off of your slavery. If you don’t abide by their “value system”, you’re supposedly going to hell. That make-belief fear gets drilled into our heads when we are young.

You are not allowed to think for yourself. You are not allowed to ask questions. You are not allowed to use your imagination. Why? That could change things. An active imagination is seen as a threat to the way things are.

Religious organizations are no different than  corporate businesses. The only difference is that their product is completely imaginary. The promise of eternal life. There is no guarantee. You’re just expected to believe and hand your money over.

There is no evidence proving there is an eternal life after you die, nor is there evidence proving otherwise. The only evidence there is really, is that your body becomes fertilizer, and becomes a part of Mother Earth.

So why risk it? Why waste your life slaving away like you have another life waiting for you? What if you don’t? The way I see it, you might as well do what you know in your heart you were meant to do. Wither that be music, art, dancing, inventing, teaching, writing, etc. We all have this desire that we need to leave behind a legacy, to leave our mark in the world.  The only thing stopping you would be this made up system that only benefits that 1%. Fuck them! You know you weren’t put on this earth to work, and slave for them, you were meant for something greater. You’re only on this planet for so long, in your physical form of body and flesh. You might as well do all that you can do while you’re here, just saying. Your time is limited, and your clock is ticking.

For example,  I went on hiatus, and got a book published on Lulu. I know in my heart that I am an artist and a writer, and when I feel the need to create something, I feel inspired, I put everything down in order to do it. Or I put time aside to do it. But in this case, I said fuck everything, I know this needs to be created. Now I am a published author. Yay!  Of coarse I won’t be making any money off of it, I gave up my earnings to bring the price down to something more affordable for others. Money wasn’t the purpose of this anyway. The point was to get my name, and work out there, and I did.

Anyway, back to religion. I’m not a witch. Matter of fact, I don’t even know what to call myself other than spiritual. I think labeling myself to a specific religion only creates barriers, and divides people. It’s one of those “invisible lines” we create in our minds that I have mentioned in a previous blog post.

After doing an essay assignment for sociology, I noticed that religion teaches people to hate each-other, or hate those outside of their religion, or ethnicity, or sexual preference. I don’t want to be a part of that.  Browsing through the news you see people setting people on fire because of the religion they choose. Or you get taught to fear people in other countries because your damn book tells you that that country will be the gateway of the Anti-Christ, or some bullshit like that. Sounds like ancient racism to me.

So, I would rather not label myself, and just say I am a spiritual being. A spiritual wanderer. I find there is too much hatred in religion, I’d rather be something that is more accepting.  I feel a strong bond with nature, which is why I feel I must stand up and defend it with Idle No More.

Not to mention, When it comes to the gay/ lesbian/ trans-gender/ bi/ androgynous  people, I think they are most likely to be the closest to understand what First Nation people experience when it comes to discrimination. So I respect them. Plus, I have relatives, and friends that are gay, and they are some of the sweetest people I know. Not to forget that I have always had this fascination with androgyny. Thank you Diana Thorneycroft, for turning androgyny into a fascinating art. Even I play with the gender roles as an artist. Or how I present myself in general.

I think that when it comes to the old customs, such as religion,  people fail to see the beauty in diversity. – Pooks

“Sometimes people let the same problem make them miserable for years when they could just say, So what. That’s one of my favorite things to say. So what.”- Andy Warhol