Out of Balance

I guess once again I am writing 2 blogs in a week.
I didn’t make it to the New School of Colour yesterday, and maybe I should have went. But being pregnant and all, I listen to my body. If I feel like I need to desperately take a nap, I’ll nap. And that’s what happened. I had planned to go, but by the time 4:30pm rolled around, I was out like a light.
Anyways, it seems like during my absence an artist is trying to dominate the program. Making it all about her. She seems to have a habit of doing that. So if someone isn’t there to keep things fair between the artists, she clearly gets her way. And our new facilitator is being a bit of a door mat, and just let’s her.
The issue, this artist has her own art space where she works and displays her art. Well, now she has taken up more space. A table a friend of mine worked at has been removed to display even more of this artist’s work. And not only that, but she also has her work alone, on display on the wall upstairs at The Ark. Maybe I was mistaken, but I thought it was to be 2 artists at a time on display upstairs. So excuse me if I find this one particular artist not only being selfish, but greedy.
There is more than one artist involved in the New School of Colour. It isn’t fair to other artists if this one artist is only putting the spotlight on her own work, and not anyone else’s.
Like my friend said, “it’s the New School of Colour, Not Thorn N’ Thistle.” The brand name or supposed personal art and crafts company this artist likes to go under.
The facilitator, instead of standing up with my friend and fellow artist, just told her it’s “everyone’s space” when she saw her working station has been removed. Well then, tell that to the artist that is clearly being selfish for the limelight. IT’S EVERYONE’S SPACE!! I mean, the corner I work in hasn’t been touched, nor would it be. Why? Because Pooks is a respected artist. But clearly my friend whom was also a member of the New School of Colour, longer than I have ever been, doesn’t get the same amount of respect. Her art gets thrown in a box, and her station is removed to display this other artists work. What makes this other artist more special than anyone else?
Part of the reason I loved the New School of Colour was the diversity. The diversity of people, and the diversity of art. It never used to center around one artist. We treated eachother equal. Regardless if we got along or not. I mean, no we’re not ALL friends. But we shared the same goal, to create. And just by that alone, we respected eachother. Well, clearly that is falling apart. Because this artist and her friend don’t really respect any of the other artists apparently.
If I had my way, I would do my best to keep things fair. Every artist gets thier time in the limelight. I love all thier work. Heck, I sure as hell wouldn’t be just displaying my own work only. I’m not like that. I put others before myself. My work is rarely on display upstairs, and I don’t mind. I have my own ways of getting my art out there, not all the artists have that advantage and I know that.
So yeah, needless to say I am not impressed with what I am hearing is happening at the New School of Colour. Ya know? We’ve lost lots of artists that don’t attend anymore after the change of facilitators. And now we might lose another artist because one artist is only thinking of themselves.
If she wants the limelight so bad, than why not do another solo exhibition at EVAC like she’s done before? She did it once, she can do it again.
The point is, the New School of Colour is made up of several people, not just one person alone.
Sure I may draw in attention. But maybe that’s because of the amount of impact the program has had my life. It saved mine.
Not only that, I worked my ass off getting my alias name out there. Not with just art, but social media, and my writing. Heck, this blog has even made Pooks into a reality. If I didn’t have the support that I do, thank you all, Pooks would not be.
Did I ever have to sink to levels such as taking over the New School of Colour for attention? No. Instead, I am grateful for the program, and have always tried to give back to the New School of Colour and the Ark Aid Street Mission through my art. 10% of the proceeds that my art sells for goes back to The Ark or New School. I don’t mind. My art has never been about the money, unlike this other artist that is being an issue. My art has always been about expression. My personal healing. That’s what I use it for.
So it might be awhile before I return to the New School of Colour, since I can go into labour any day now. But I swear, if this nonsense doesn’t get straightened out before my return, than yeah, I will step up and bring balance back to the New School of Colour. All the artists deserve to be acknowledged as a whole. – Pooks

d9998cd65da4430a8d9e0bd2eb86e0c1

Advertisements

Relationships Suck (Part 2)

Why don’t men respect a womans space? How many times must I ask a guy to leave, or to leave me alone? I mean, it’s pretty ridiculous that I used to like my drama free home, and now, I can’t stand being home. It’s sad that I am trapped in my bedroom, or I have to leave my own fuckin house. It’s no longer my safe cubbyhole where I can escape the rest of the world, drama and bullshit. Ugh…He’s not even on the fuckin lease, and it’s like he’s taken over this place.

Once again, he didn’t go to work. So I guess I’m the one that’s gonna have to leave the house for the day if I want to avoid any conflict.

Heck, yesterday evening I had to leave, and I didn’t return home til 2am. Why should I be avoiding my own fuckin house? Thankfully I have good friends out there. Ya know? When I’m psychologically/ emotionally not well, they know how to make me laugh again, and know to put art supplies in front of me. I’ve said it many times, art is like therapy. It calmed me down for the time being, and I could relax for a bit. Heck, I know all this drama isn’t good for me or the baby I’m carrying. Men don’t fuckin understand that.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

I don’t even know what to do in this situation. He  won’t leave because I’m pregnant with his kid, at least that’s his excuse.

We’re no longer together. I broke up with him, and I cut ties with the home wrecking bitch that he wants to keep in his life because he’s her daughters god-father. I want her gone. I want nothing to do with that fuckin bitch that compares me to my now ex’s abusive ex-girlfriend. Like, What?? Yeah, fuck you! I also want him gone. I want all the drama to fuck off. I don’t need this fuckin shit!

Clearly shit between us happened too fast, and having him move in was a shitty idea. Obviously, my house feels more like a prison than it does the safe cubbyhole that it used to be.

Which is funny, since he criticizes co-workers for their nose-diving relationships. Saying people should get to know each-other for 3- 5 years before moving in together. Yet, he only knew me for a month or two, and already knocked me up, and pressured me to move in. Can you say hypocrite?

It’s like men think they own you if you’re knocked up with their kid, ya know? Can’t run now, kinda thing. Watch me.

It’s like he’s deliberately not going to work, so that he can’t afford to move out. Yet, if he really gave a fuck about this child I’m bearing, he’d go to fuckin work anyways. No matter what the fuck is happening between us,  our child would be the priority regardless. Clearly that’s not the case.

I don’t agree with the idea of exes living together. It would be an unhealthy environment for my children. So yeah, he needs to go. We’ll have to figure out parental arrangements when the time comes, that is if C.A.S actually doesn’t take this child away.

I mean, we’re not working as a couple. I’m tired of the drama, and I can’t keep sweeping shit under the carpet and pretending like everything is fine when it’s not. Unresolved shit will just keep coming back up, and snowballing, as it has been. I’m done.

If you have any advice on how to go about all this. I’d like to hear it. Because honestly, I’m in a bit of a pickle. Thanks for reading. Love and hugs. – Pooks

“No matter what there always seems to be something clouding my existence, nothing is ever clear.”
– Emilyann Girdner

Relationships Suck

I guess I might as well blog today, because if I don’t, I will emotionally explode.

Anyways, I’m not well, emotionally, psychologically. I’m at a point where I think relationships suck, and the drama involved is just not worth it.

Going from no drama, to straight drama for 3 weeks in a row.

Lately it’s a continuation of when my supposed boyfriend accused me of blackmail when he was drinking. Saying that was the wrong term to use. But now he’s saying that him insisting that I ask permission to take any photos of him and post them online was the wrong term to use. Like make up your fuckin mind! Which was it?

Anyways, I found it pretty fucked up how I wasn’t allowed to post any photos of him, without his permission, yet his lady friend of his can?!! She had taken a pic of his ass, he was bent over, and that was okay. Well that just put things right into perspective. Ya know? Thanks for the wake up call, I clearly am not THAT fuckin special. This other woman gets a privilege that your supposed “queen” doesn’t. Yeah, that makes a lot of fuckin sense.

Not only that, but this fuckin woman has been getting under my skin for a while now. I used to be friends with her, but then fuckin deleted and blocked her because of her negativity. She was always bitching about something. Anyways, the only reason I had her back on my friend list was because my man asked me to unblock and re-add her, so that she can  print off pics of us for him. But of coarse that was bullshit. That never happened. She just turned out to be this obsessive troll “liking” every single pic and post regarding my man. After awhile, I can kinda take a hint. She has a thing for my man. I mean, she was posting pics of him on her own timeline, 5-7 at a time. So yes, that gets annoying. Like fuck! Clearly she has no respect for this relationship. I mean, she comes up with the dinky little excuses just to get my man over to her place. This needs to be fixed. Oh that needs to be fixed. Since when is he your bitch?!

But whatever, I’m not interested in the drama. No man is worth fighting over, she can have him! The only people worth fighting for are my kids.

Which brings me to another point. My supposed man is this womans daughters god father. This is what he wrote to me this morning in a letter:

“I’m only there to help make [god childs name] life better, nothing more, nothing less, and if you’re asking me to stop being [god childs name] god father, it’s wrong on your part for being selfish. I’ll always be there for my kid, because it’s my child.”

Well then… what the fuck am I doing? Ya know? I seem to be asking myself that a lot lately. Maybe he should have moved in with his god-child and her mother!! Instead of knocking me up and moving in. All that talk about him wanting a kid. Ugggh…. I mean, he’s “already got one.” “Do you know how much that means to me?” clearly doesn’t mean shit, because he used the same exact phrase towards this cunt.

Another thing, he posted this thing on FB saying noone understands him without thinking he’s being sarcastic or an asshole. And whose the first one to jump on that?? She is. Saying “I’ve understood you for years now.” Well isn’t that sweet. Maybe they should be together if they have such an “understanding”. Again, what the fuck am I doing? Ya know? I’m just in the way.

So yeah, I want to fuckin end it all. This bullshit relationship, that probably wouldn’t even last because of all the doubts I have anyways. Such as doubting he can ever drop his dependency on alcohol for whatever excuse he comes up with; flashbacks, physical pain, for fun, to celebrate occasions, so that he’s not so “scatter-brained”, the list goes on and on. Yeah, try to tell me your not an alcoholic.

But yeah, that’s how I’m feeling. She says she has no interest in him that way, but her actions speak louder than her words. And I’m not interested in that triangular love drama bullshit.

I should’ve stayed single. There is always someone that can’t respect a relationship between 2 people, and I am not interested in that shit!

As for my child that I’m pregnant with. It was silly of me to believe this stupid fantasy, like C.A.S will let me keep a child. They will probably just take it away, or give him/her to the white father, just like my other 2.

So yep. I just keep fuckin up, making all the wrong fuckin choices.  – Pooks

 Tip of the day:

source: weheartit.com

source: weheartit.com

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”

– Laurell K. Hamilton

How we can REALLY stop the stigma faced by those who are homeless and in poverty #ldnont

Despite all the criticism she’s been getting from people that are supposedly “higher up” on the social and economic scale, I admire Melly for standing up for what she believes in, and using her voice AND social media in a positive way to send out a powerful message. One that I don’t think should be disregarded when it comes to homelessness and poverty. So with that being said, Go Melly! I love ya chicky! And I love your persistence and determination. Be the salmon against that current of those that try to silence you. Hugs! – Pooks

Mel's Life

Sorry for the rants and such… just sick of people’s close-mindedness and selfish comments lately. I mean, here I am, not being paid by anyone or any organization to stand up for those in our community that can’t stand up for themselves, and I’m faced with the NIMBY attitude of the people in this city on an almost-daily basis. It’s sickening, and as I said in my post, I won’t stand down or back down from people who think they hold power over me for any reason.
I stand with and for many of the people I’ve met along the way of my 10+ years of being street level, homeless, and impoverished. I stand for the people who have died before being able to see a change happen in the eyes of society.
The real solution to the stigma, issue, crisis, epidemic, whatever you want to call it, is for…

View original post 108 more words

Behind the Curtain

FUCK!! I need to go the freakin library. Print out my bill. Hand in a copy to OW, because apparently they didn’t pay it directly like they were supposed to, so I’m gonna have to try to get that set up again. AND I have to go to the Housing Stability Bank at the Salvation Army to see if they can pay the bill since OW/ Discretionary Benefits did squat, and just told me to go there. According to my red slip, my power gets cut off today. Thank you OW!. You’re so much help. Geez! Luckily though, I was told by London Hydro that that’s on hold because I am working on it. So yaaay! I have time. But it’s gotta be done today. So fuck! A lot of unnecessary running around to do. Fuck that fuckin strike! OW workers are slackin. Then I got my visit later with my kids. So yeah, I’m gonna be exhausted by the end of the day. To save my bus tickets, yeah, I’ll be walking everywhere. Except to get to my visit. Bus tickets are reserved to get me there. I can always walk back. Ughhh… tired already. But here it goes… Fuck a shower. I’ll shower later. Just want this over and done with. Some stress you may not be aware of because I’m just very internal like that.

Ya know? I went to OW for assistance earlier in the week, and yeah…just get a phone call the day before disconnection of my power to go else where. WONDERFUL!!

Now it’s the day of disconnection. And I’m stressed. Not cool. But I’m here writing it, because I don’t talk about shit that bothers me. I write about it. I draw about it. I find other ways to vent my frustrations.

Speaking of venting frustrations. Yesterday was an off day for some friends, so yeah, they vented verbally. I listened. And yeah, I absorb that shit like a fuckin sponge. That energy. That’s a lot in me now. So if I seem a bit off lately, that’s why. It would be a great time to paint. Get my own, and others frustration, all that negativity I just absorbed out onto a piece of paper or a canvas. But no no no, I got other shit to take care of.

Right as of now, I’m just waiting for OW to open, their hours are currently 10am – 2pm because of the freakin strike.

Umm… what else? A couple other things. I mean, why does there always have to be a psychotic ex in the picture? I mean, mine finally is backing off a bit and having some respect for my new relationship. However, my boyfriends ex has been texting him, and I admit, that has me on edge a little bit. From what I heard, she doesn’t sound like a very stable person. I mean, she assaulted my current boyfriend in the past, and yeah. In a fucked up way, my boyfriend and I can relate when it comes to past abuse. Anyways, the fact she seems kinda psycho, and isn’t really moving on, and keeps texting when my boyfriend wants nothing to do with her, that kind of raises a red flag in the back of my mind. Should I be concerned of my own safety? I mean, it’s been awhile since I feared going out like my biological mother. Murdered by a jealous insecure bitch over a man. But I find myself getting a bit concerned.

I mean she texted him on the day of Up with Art, and she tried again yesterday. Which kinda stressed my boyfriend out. And maybe he thinks that that is making me insecure, like I think he’ll leave me for her or something. But that’s not it at all. He’s reassured me that I have the key to his heart, I’m his girl, so on and so forth. But it’s not him I’m worried about at all. It’s an old fear of dying as my mother did that is creeping up on me.

So yeah, hopefully she just moves on, and doesn’t start any drama. So not interested.

What else? Since I got into this relationship, I am starting to see who are my friends, and which ones had other intentions. Especially with this one “friend”, whom I used to date, kinda, in the past. Maybe he was hoping we’d hook back up. But no! He blew that chance when he took me for granted, ignored me, and yeah let me slip away. Clearly I wasn’t that special to him. Maybe just a piece of ass. But yeah, he’s lucky I even considered to talk to him again after ignoring me as he did as soon as he got a job. Like he’s too good or something. So yeah, now he’s giving me this attitude since I started dating my boyfriend. And yeah. FUCK! Either accept my friendship, or fuck off! He’s behaving like an immature jealous bitch! Not only that, but he ignores our other friends now. I mean, last Tuesday my bestie sent him a message trying to set up a game night or something, like we used to do,  and he just ignored. Like grow the fuck up! You’re like 50 something years old!

On Tuesday, I noticed my Scrabble game that I had brought and left at his apartment was dropped off, and sitting in the corner of the New School of Colour studio. Either he’s getting evicted, or just just acting like a bitch. He didn’t even show up last week. He did the week before, but made this smart ass remark about me rushing off to see my boyfriend. Not to mention he was taking his frustrations out on other artists, such as one that was just trying to joke around with him, and he tried to pull this shit like she was the one trying to start shit or something. “Oh I don’t know where the hell that came from!” Dude! Chill! She was just playing. Geez! So yeah, obviously I’m not gonna stick around. He was acting kinda hostile, and I got the fuck out of there. “I rushed off in a hurry”

So yeah, not too impressed with that supposed friend.

I mean, this other guy that had a crush on me is handling my new relationship status better than this other guy. He even shook my boyfriends hand. And still cracks jokes, and clowns around with me regardless. So he clearly values my friendship, even if he was hoping we would have been more. I appreciate that. Kudos to him for being mature about it.

My freakin ex is even handling this new relationship status better for crying out loud!! What did he say? He said congrats! And now he’s moving on. He says there is another girl he’s interested in. Thank fuckin god! It took years for that guy to get the point. It’s over. Sadly, it takes another man to get that point across. A womans space isn’t respected as much as a mans apparently.

So yeah, everything can’t be sparkles, pixies, rainbows and unicorns all the time. Sometimes your cage is gonna get rattled. And yeah, it’s gonna piss you off. Life’s not perfect. But isn’t that what makes it beautiful? The imperfections? And the very very frustrating struggles. That’s what makes your story, doesn’t it?  I mean, it all comes down to how we choose to react. And well, I chose to keep my mouth shut, and just write it out and move on. It’s helped many times before.

Now off to walk off some steam and get shit done! Have a good day!

Hope you enjoyed, and thank you for reading. – Pooks

“The mind can go either direction under stress—toward positive or toward negative: on or off. Think of it as a spectrum whose extremes are unconsciousness at the negative end and hyperconsciousness at the positive end. The way the mind will lean under stress is strongly influenced by training.”

– Frank Herbert

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Overlapping Layers of Shame (Part 2)

IMG_6897

I knew it. Regarding my last post, and a poster I created for the Slut Walk 2013, I would get ignorant rude remarks in return.

Earlier on Facebook, a guy that I met through a friend, that basically just wants to get me in bed. Which is so not happening. Especially not after today. Not that he had a chance to begin with, the feeling is not mutual. Ya know? I really don’t want to be involved with another pot-head, and whatever other drugs he does. I got enough shit to deal with, I don’t need to be taking on more immature bullshit. Plus, I don’t go out with younger men. I prefer them to be older than I.

There was only one guy I let that rule slide with, and that was with a best-friend I lost touch with years ago. He was a couple months younger than me. Not years!

So I posted an image of the poster I created last night for the London Solidarity Slut Walk. And I think this guy creeps around my facebook and blog, so yeah. He more than likely read my last post. Anyway, I tagged the image for my Facebook page, which he thought was just hilarious. Laughing at the name of it: Pooks, the Alien Goddess.  Yeah, I feel like an alien most of the time. Not really fitting in anywhere. So that is where that comes from. The Goddess part comes from the Pablo Picasso quote: “There are only two types of women – goddesses and doormats.”  A doormat is passive pushover. I use to be like that at one point, but not anymore.

Anyway, the comments that took place below my posted picture of my Slut Walk  poster…

Guy: King pooky

Pooks82: I was born a King yo! 😛 Lol

Guy: I like that alien princess

Guy: LLOL

Pooks82: Yeah, I’m an alien, and many other things. A maggot, A shadow Soldier, A Rainbow Ninja, a Young Grasshopper, a Tinkerbell Samurai, and so on and so forth.

Guy: Yes many names they call this.one

Pooks82: The force is strong in this one. Bwahahaha!! LOL

Guy: They also call her bitch slit whore and rebel walker without a cause

Guy: Darkside of the force

Pooks82: A rebel, yes. But the other names? Do you really wanna go there? You’re walking a fine line at the moment. Choose your words wisely.

Guy: LOL no no

Guy: jk

Pooks82: So be it. I am also known for being intolerant.   😉 BYE!

Kicked to the curb he goes! I do not tolerate disrespect, nor do I find ridiculing and belittling funny. That’s some sick twisted fucked up humor, and I’m not laughing. An apology would have been more appreciated, than saying it’s a joke. No, insults, name – calling, that is not a joke. I don’t tolerate it from anyone. Not even my own son. Although my son, I am more forgiving towards, because look who he learns from; My ex. And as his mother, I still have a chance to teach him about bullying and verbal abuse.

Yeah, I’ve been called many slandering names in the past. I never rubbed his past about being a drug addict in his face! Supposedly with Teen Challenge, and found Christ, yet still doing drugs. Rrright!! Trying to impress me with stupidity about almost getting into a scrap with someone like that is so manly. Umm.. no. The men with balls are out there supporting the women and children, fighting for them.  They are at One Billion Rising, and events like the Slut Walk. They are the ones that actually respect women, and try to make a difference for their families and the future. Those kind of battles are more worthy, than a pointless scrap on the street.

So yeah, I’ve been slightly ticked off today. But not surprised. Considering what my last blog post was about, I was kind of expecting an ignorant smart ass to come along. Voila! One did.

So what if I am not so easy to get into bed?! This guy was so disappointed by that. It is my choice. My body. My rules. A man worth my time will accept and respect that. If I don’t feel like it, I don’t feel like it. It doesn’t make me a slut.

And yeah, I had a past where I picked up hookers, and had a threesome. Point is, it is in the past. Who I was then, is not who I am now. Back then I did not respect, love, or value myself. These days are a lot different.

I guess who I am now gets often called a bitch or a lesbian, because I say “no.” Some men just cannot handle rejection. Tough shit.

I admit, when it comes to sex, during the act of sex, it is hard for me to remain focused without remembering some old guy on top of me saying: “You like that huh? You dirty bitch! ” Or shit like that. Staying present without some kind of fucked up flashback. Yeah, I got issues.

My ex constantly needing it and harassing me for it didn’t help. After awhile I found myself thinking: “Just get it over with.” Anything remotely special about it was gone. Plus there was a time, I remember having sex with him, I was all happy and perky for a change. We went out for a smoke afterward, and he said something rude and degrading. I cannot remember exactly what he said. But I remember that transition between feeling happy, to feeling regret and kind of disgusted. I wished I could have taken that moment back, because he didn’t deserve it.

So the next guy, if there will ever be a next guy, will have to be real freakin patient and understanding. Also prove to me that he is nothing like any of those bad experiences. So yeah, if a guy is truly interested, he will understand that it will take time for me to be able to fully trust, let alone give my body. I see my body as a gift, it should be treated that way. Something I have the choice to give or not.

A year ago, I did sleep with a man who I thought was worthy. But then he turns around and ignores me. I guess he got what he wanted. Oh wait, he was complaining about his back. He said the doctors said it was depression. Then he just cut me off.  Not a word. If I’m what is making that person so depressed, then it’s a good thing we went separate ways.  I don’t believe that is what I do. In public, I am always laughing. I put my own struggles aside, to try to cheer someone else up. I make a fool of myself just for the sake of others laughter. I don’t see what is so depressing about that. Yeah, I have sleeping problems ,  I’m on financial assistance, and I’m not the most organized person, I struggle. If you are going to judge me for that, two words; fuck you!

So I am being even more cautious about my pace. If that is a problem for someone, their not worth it. Simple as that. There is nothing wrong with respecting myself, and treating my body the way it should be. It is my gift to give. Not something that can be taken for granted and just treated as if it were free for the taking. – Pooks

“If you want to be respected by others, the great thing is to respect yourself. Only by that, only by self-respect will you compel others to respect you.”- Fyodor Dostoyevsky