Split

Things have been rocky lately. Obviously. If I’m not writing or creating art, somethings wrong.
To get to the point, I broke up with “my man” or whatever the fuck you want to call him.
I’m tired of arguing every weekend over the same shit repeatedly. It’s like that quote says; Don’t apologize, then continue making the same mistake. Ya know? Actions speak louder than words. You’re not fuckin sorry. I am just seen as some kind of doormat that isn’t taken seriously unless I dump your ass and kick you out. Yeah, and once I do that, suddenly his bahavior changes. Now he’ll start doing what I’ve asked him to do.
All I wanted was him to be a man and be the father that he is to our daughter. But no, alcohol and everything else was a priority. I’m sure cleaning can be put on hold for 15 -20 minutes so he can bond with his daughter. Get to know her. But no. He would drink past his limit, and say he can’t hold our daughter. Or… He’d clean and clean the house. Even shit that wasn’t necessary. Like sorting copper in the basement. After awhile, all I see is a coward that neglects his daughter.
Right now he’s spending time with her. AFTER I fuckin dump him. Typical. Seems to be the thing most men do.
But yeah, we’re done. I know this is just temporary, and if I take him back, shit will return to the same bullshit.
Anyways, our relationship isn’t really much these days anyways. He acts more like a roommate then anything. So yeah, makes me think that he was just interested in my home and nothing else. K. Maybe my home and sex. But since I haven’t seen this great father he claims to be, forget that shit! I mean he claims he was such a good “father” to his younger brother and sister. Really? Did you neglect them as much as you do our daughter?
But yeah, that’s another thing. Maybe he’s doubting our daughter is even his. His older sister did make a remark to him saying: “How could you be so stupid? She doesn’t even look like you!” That’s his sister whom is also a C.A.S worker. Maybe she should keep her profession at work. Ya know? Being a professional home wrecker and all. I don’t know how people can be proud of that occupation. You got to be sick and twisted taking pride in tearing families apart. I wouldn’t be able to do it. But I guess it makes them feel so powerful and godly. Yup. Sick and twisted people out there.
Anyways, back to my issue. Alcohol seems to be a reaccuring thing. He drinks to relax, he drinks because he’s stressed, to have fun, and the lamest excuse yet;… because a woman at a gas pump frustrated him. Seriously?? Let’s make everything a reason.
He says “I knew about his drinking problem from the beginning.” Yup. I knew. It was stupid of me to think he would kick alcohol to the curb, just because he said he would for his child’s sake. He said February was his month to cut down, and he’d stop when the baby arrive. Well…he’s still drinking. Not only that but he sneaks to drink behind my back, and he lies to me. Freakin telling me it was 2, but no he’s moved up to 4. “Oh you have no idea how stressful my job is.” Really?? Your dad isn’t using that as an excuse. Apparently he was able to quit alcohol successfully AND he works in the same job field, construction! So yeah, everything that comes out of my now ex man’s mouth is a freakin excuse.
Another thing, he sends his ex a Facebook message. If he hates her sooooo much, what the fuck?? He says he did it because she said called him a dead beat, and he’d make nothing of himself when they broke up. So why does he value her opinion? Or what she thinks? And why does he keep bringing his past up? He says he’s over her, but…Yeah. Let’s contact the ex. Maybe because he said she bugged him for sex all the time, and I won’t bother to put out.
Yet that was one of the reasons I liked him, he said he didn’t need it all the time. Yet he has bugged me for sex again and again. Funny how that changed. I can go a long time without it.
Speaking of exes. He says I compare him a lot to my ex. Maybe I do. They both were molested as children. They both were abandoned by thier mothers at some point in their lives.They both claim to have “raised” thier younger siblings. As for the drinking shit, it’s like everything is on repeat. Same bullshit. Except my “now ex” man doesn’t go out partying. He just drinks more regularly and avoids us (our daughter and I) like a plague. My ex avoided his responsibility too when my son was a baby, and wasn’t really there either for our daughter as a baby. What a coincidence?! Even though my now ex man is under the same roof, he’s not really present either.
So yeah…pretty much the same shit. In it for the sex, but when its time to step up to the consequences of your actions, like a freakin baby!!, he’s too damn busy with everything else.
So yeah, I don’t really get breaks. His dad baby-sat once, but other than that. I’m busting my ass. And clearly that isn’t enough. My now ex man expects me to take care of the baby, and do housework. As a breastfeeding and bottle feeding mom, sometimes I feel pinned to the couch feeding for hours. I’m lucky to get one chore done in a day. I’m lucky if I can even do any self care for crying out loud, such as a shower. But yeah, he’s not really that involved, and couldn’t comprehend the struggle.
Anyways, he’s packing his stuff. I want him out. But knowing my luck, he will probably pull the same shit as my ex, and take my daughter with him. C.A.S seems to favor the white men.
What else? Maybe it’s too much stress and pressure building up. Ontario Works…First Nations Housing Co-Op..
If I move to this new place with him, I’m no longer eligible for OW. We will struggle, especially if he continues to drink. As for First Nations Housing Co-Op, my subsidy has been terminated. Rent will be going up. And yeah, this place isn’t worth being charged the extra. Technically, we shouldn’t even be in this house. I mean with the asbestos in the basement. It’s a health risk. Not to mention other things like the structural integrity of the stairway floor joist. Basically my livingroom floor can clasp in on itself if too much weight is put onto it. Half of my home isn’t even insulated. So on and so forth.
So yeah, if we were still together we would be moving into another house in June or July. But since I can’t picture  myself tolerating anymore of this drinking and neglect shit, we’ll just have to find our own homes separately. Meaning, it’s probably back to London Housing for me. Get myself and our baby on a waiting list. It’s a step backwards, but better than living in house that should be condemned, and staying in a relationship that ceases to exist anymore.
Funny because it would have been our 1 year Anniversary on the 21st. So we didn’t even last a year.
Sorry I knew what I wanted in a relationship, and he couldn’t live up to it. Sorry I thought he was capable of things he isn’t, obviously. I think I have had it with men. Here’s to celibasy! Turns out women are more “manly”, and do have “the balls” so to speak. Men are just cowardly pussies thinking with thier penis.They can’t handle half the shit women go through. Heck! They’re scared of a little baby for crying out loud! Not to forget that they can’t handle a little baby vomit, pee, or poo.
I can’t remember who said it, but yeah, if you can’t handle baby vomit, don’t have kids.
So yeah, no point in getting another Depo shot in 3 months. Love is temporary and doesn’t last, like all things. It’s just a mental phase or illusion that comes with more pain.
I’m done fighting about the same shit. If he wants to keep alcohol in his life, he can have it. I am out. – Pooks

“It’s like a switch, clickin’ off in my head. Turns the hot light off and the cool one on, and all of a sudden there’s peace.” – Tennessee Williams on alcoholism

Relationships Suck (Part 2)

Why don’t men respect a womans space? How many times must I ask a guy to leave, or to leave me alone? I mean, it’s pretty ridiculous that I used to like my drama free home, and now, I can’t stand being home. It’s sad that I am trapped in my bedroom, or I have to leave my own fuckin house. It’s no longer my safe cubbyhole where I can escape the rest of the world, drama and bullshit. Ugh…He’s not even on the fuckin lease, and it’s like he’s taken over this place.

Once again, he didn’t go to work. So I guess I’m the one that’s gonna have to leave the house for the day if I want to avoid any conflict.

Heck, yesterday evening I had to leave, and I didn’t return home til 2am. Why should I be avoiding my own fuckin house? Thankfully I have good friends out there. Ya know? When I’m psychologically/ emotionally not well, they know how to make me laugh again, and know to put art supplies in front of me. I’ve said it many times, art is like therapy. It calmed me down for the time being, and I could relax for a bit. Heck, I know all this drama isn’t good for me or the baby I’m carrying. Men don’t fuckin understand that.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

I don’t even know what to do in this situation. He  won’t leave because I’m pregnant with his kid, at least that’s his excuse.

We’re no longer together. I broke up with him, and I cut ties with the home wrecking bitch that he wants to keep in his life because he’s her daughters god-father. I want her gone. I want nothing to do with that fuckin bitch that compares me to my now ex’s abusive ex-girlfriend. Like, What?? Yeah, fuck you! I also want him gone. I want all the drama to fuck off. I don’t need this fuckin shit!

Clearly shit between us happened too fast, and having him move in was a shitty idea. Obviously, my house feels more like a prison than it does the safe cubbyhole that it used to be.

Which is funny, since he criticizes co-workers for their nose-diving relationships. Saying people should get to know each-other for 3- 5 years before moving in together. Yet, he only knew me for a month or two, and already knocked me up, and pressured me to move in. Can you say hypocrite?

It’s like men think they own you if you’re knocked up with their kid, ya know? Can’t run now, kinda thing. Watch me.

It’s like he’s deliberately not going to work, so that he can’t afford to move out. Yet, if he really gave a fuck about this child I’m bearing, he’d go to fuckin work anyways. No matter what the fuck is happening between us,  our child would be the priority regardless. Clearly that’s not the case.

I don’t agree with the idea of exes living together. It would be an unhealthy environment for my children. So yeah, he needs to go. We’ll have to figure out parental arrangements when the time comes, that is if C.A.S actually doesn’t take this child away.

I mean, we’re not working as a couple. I’m tired of the drama, and I can’t keep sweeping shit under the carpet and pretending like everything is fine when it’s not. Unresolved shit will just keep coming back up, and snowballing, as it has been. I’m done.

If you have any advice on how to go about all this. I’d like to hear it. Because honestly, I’m in a bit of a pickle. Thanks for reading. Love and hugs. – Pooks

“No matter what there always seems to be something clouding my existence, nothing is ever clear.”
– Emilyann Girdner

After the Storm

Back again!

Just cancelled my Leads appointment and booked it for next week. Just feeling a little bluuuh, but that’s to be expected with pregnancy. I hate this morning sickness shit. The waves of nausea. It’s kinda like being sea sick or something. But anyways, I’ll hang in there. I’ll get through the day.

I have my first full prenatal assessment appointment tomorrow with my family doctor. Gotta make sure I’m all tip top and what not.

So yeah, if you haven’t figured it out, I have not gotten an abortion and I’m not going to. My partner and I have talked since the last time I posted, and decided that we will be going ahead with the pregnancy. It’s our decision to make, not anyone elses. And like a friend has said, “You are in a relationship with him hun, not his family.” She also said; “You make ____  happier then I’ve seen him in….well…EVER!

Sadly, I had lost someone that I thought was a friend over that whole dilemma. But then again, she’s the one that stuck her nose into my business uninvited. I sent her texts explaining myself ( even though I shouldn’t have to explain myself to a friend), and the situation, AND I said sorry for worrying her. Anyways, she just ignores my text messages, and blocked me on Facebook. Ahem, this is the one that had the brilliant idea to bring the cops over to my house over an FB status. It’s called morning sickness, it’s quite common with pregnancies. But I guess she assumed the worst, and thought I was passed out on the floor from heat exhaustion. WHAT?!! Where the hell did that come from?! Not to mention that FB status was from days ago before the whole ordeal. So what if I don’t have an air conditioner, whoopidee-shit! My house is pretty cool indoors compared to the outdoors anyways. And that’s just from having the windows open. I don’t like air conditioners. A) They hike up the hydro & B) The cold flares up my arthritis. But whatever, ya know? If she wants to hold a grudge, that’s her problem. That’s the way I see it. Like my bestie (whom has also been shut out by this particular person) said, “Not worth worrying about. Bigger fish to fry.

So, yeah. Carrying on. Yesterday was my birthday. It was nice, and relaxing. My boyfriend gave me flowers, they were very pretty and colourful. He also had set up the bathroom with candle light, and set up the tub for me to have a relaxing bath. The water was sprinkled with flower peddles. It was beautiful. For dinner he cooked me some wild rice and rainbow trout. That was delicious. And to end our evening, we cuddled and watched a movie. It was a good, calm, relaxing birthday.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

This past weekend I had my visit with my children, and gave them the news about the upcoming baby. Well…actually, my daughter asked, because she noticed that I’ve been getting chubbier, and I’m starting to show. So yeah, she’s a smart cookie. So yeah, I just told her, and she got so excited she had to share the news with her brother.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

It’s funny because a month ago, they were saying that they wanted a little brother or sister, and for my boyfriend to be the babies father. Funny how things work out. They got what they wished for. Haha!

Anyways, over the weekend, my boyfriend came over and started to fix up my backyard. I was surprised to see that even my daughter was helping. That’s awesome. They started to give my backyard a makeover. A challenge that many have been too intimidated by. Ahem, there was a reason I called my backyard a jungle. Already, the yard looks amazing! We are getting it prepped for next year, when we can build our own garden with flowers and vegetables. We are trying to get the yard ready for the upcoming baby, and for when my man moves in with his two dogs. So the interior of my house will also be getting completely cleaned out as well. Big preparations for big changes coming our way. It’s exciting.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Umm.. my ex said that my being pregnant and all is going to impact and change my visits with my children. Not sure what to think about that. I mean, yeah, it may slow me down a little for 9 months. But other than that, why? I’m hoping he doesn’t cut my access to my children over it. I mean, yeah, I’m having a baby, but that doesn’t mean that my son and daughter aren’t my children anymore or something. I will always love them, because I am their mother. I’m hoping he doesn’t do his power tripping shit over me being pregnant. If I have to, we’ll go back to court. Or I’ll just show some cops our court order regarding my visitations. I have a right to see my children. And the power tripping shit, doesn’t only hurt me, but it hurts the kids. So yeah, hopefully it doesn’t come down to that bullshit.

But I could be worrying over nothing. My ex did say he wanted to meet my boyfriend. And my boyfriend said that makes sense, since he’s going to be a part of my son’s and daughters life now. But that was inevitable when getting into a relationship with me, my children are part of the package. He accepts and respects them, and they get along great.

As for art, I haven’t done anything for awhile. I haven’t even gone to the New School of Colour for a couple of weeks. I mean, I won’t be able to do any oil painting while I am preggers. Ya know? Because of all the chemicals and whatnot. So if I do work on something, it will be in a different medium, and I will probably be working on my art at home.

But there are much bigger things I need to focus on, to be honest. Such as preparing for this baby. It’s a little overwhelming when I think about everything that needs to be done, but it will be done.

Anyways, that is all I shall type today. Hope you enjoyed the read. Until next time, much love! – Pooks

“There is such a special sweetness in being able to participate in creation.”- Pamela S. Nadav

Wicked Witch

Well things took a drastic turn quite rapidly. Ya know? Just when I was starting to get used to the idea of being pregnant, someones gotta come along and be  the wicked witch so to speak.

To make a long story short, I don’t want to have any ties to my now ex-boyfriends mother. Especially after that phone call. She called her son, she was put on speaker phone to speak to me about the news. And no no no, she can’t be supportive like the Kings and my close friends have been. Instead, she brings up C.A.S, my past, and makes me cry. To top it off, that fuckin psycho bitch laughed at my pain. So no, I want no relations with, or any ties to anyone that laughs and pokes fun at my past pain I’ve gone through the years. So basically that means breaking up with her son, and getting an abortion.

I mean, who the fuck is she to judge me?! She’s dating a fuckin alcoholic/ crackhead, and has that addict around her younger children that still live in her home on a daily basis. Rrright, and she’s going to judge me as a parent?

I stormed out after I had enough. She’s a rude, ignorant, stupid bitch. Of coarse her privileged white ass wouldn’t understand any of the shit I have been through regarding C.A.S. Not to mention her eldest daughter is a C.A.S worker. So she see’s the fairy tale side of that organization. Not the reality of that evil organization that doesn’t give a fuck if parents love their children, it all comes down to slavery, and maintaining that slavery to benefit the Capitalists. Who gives a fuck if the children get put into abusive homes. Get placed with the abuser. I believe I read in the news that a child died because of that not too long ago. Can’t really say I’m surprised. That’s what they do. Heck! Look at the fucked up home I was placed in. I don’t even have contact with that supposed family anymore. they are not worth my fuckin time.

So yeah, I stormed out…as I did, it began to rain half way on the way home. Ugh! I took shelter at Mcmahen Park, at least til the rain stopped a bit, and continued on my way. It was a long walk for someone in my condition. I shouldn’t be walking great distances. But fuck! My purse, my wallet, money, ID, and other belongings were left behind at my now ex boyfriends apartment. So, not like I could hop on a bus.

By the time I got home, my stomach hurt. So I laid in bed, and stayed there for the remainder of the day, and majority of the next day. People kept knocking on my door, my cell phone kept going off, but I did not want to be bothered.

Anyways, I wasn’t too impressed that my now ex boyfriend and someone I thought was a friend brought the police to my door. Calling the cops on a friend, or your supposed girlfriend is just a low blow. Thanks a lot. You might as well just be calling C.A.S on my ass. Like really, no friend does that.

So the police came to my door, I answered. They started babbling to me about programs that assist people that are considering self harm. Like what the fuck?!! I just want to lie down. I put my body through a lot the night prior just trying to get home. Go away!

The female officer was really annoying, so I bluntly told her that she talked too much, and that I was dizzy and just wanted to sit down. They were like; good, we can come in then. Umm… noooo. You’re not welcome.

Anyways after that, the female cop was like “No more Misses nice cop.” Whatever. I’m not scared of you. Besides I’m sure the police would jump on a chance to kill another native, or person of colour. Ya know? They seem to do that quite often anyways. Just saying.

Anyways, after they were done babbling about whatever, and I saying that I don’t need their help. I’ll be calling my freakin doctor for help. They fucked off.

Later that night I went for a walk with my bestie. She filled me in that she had nothing to do with the cop calling. Even though we talked about my current situation, she also tried to distract me here and there with humour. She’s good at that. Anyways, she said she’d come with me when I get my abortion. Ya know? So I won’t have to do it alone. It’s not only going to be hard on me physically, but mentally as well. And yeah, I’m lucky to have her as a support, and a friend. She agrees and understands why I am choosing the route that I am.

Anyways, today, my bestie and I went to my now ex boyfriends apartment. He was at work. So I went to pick up my belongings and get the fuck out of dodge. Amazingly, most of my stuff was already packed. So that just made things so much easier. How was I able to get his apartment while he was at work? Simple, I was able to do so because he had cut me a set of spare keys for his apartment, but before my bestie and I left, I put them back in the mail slot with his flyers. I won’t be needing those keys no more.

I’m sure my now ex boyfriends mother will be happy. She got what she wanted, even though she didn’t have to say it. The point was clearly taken. Can’t really trust a 2-faced family anyways. One day saying I’m an upgrade from their sons ex, next thing they’re saying is that he lowered his standards. Yeah well…FUCK YOU ALL!!

So tomorrow I have a visit with my children. They’ll be over for the weekend. So next week, I’ll be focused on getting the abortion and recovering from it. – Pooks

1185515_10153251787530298_1272450102_n

Recurrence of a Shadow

After a day of feeling exhausted, I finally feel ready to blog…at 12:25am. Yes, I am still kinda nocturnal apparently.

Where to begin?…Last Friday. I had a visit with my children, pick up and drop off location had taken place at Tim Hortons. I was running a bit late. I got there at 4pm, rather than 3:30pm.

I had a last minute job interview that took me by surprise. When I returned their call, I was just expecting to book an interview, not have the interview right there on the spot over the phone. Even though I did not get the job, due to not having a drivers license, I think the interview went better than I had expected. I’m usually kind of awkward when it comes to carrying on conversations, especially over the phone. But yeah, much to my surprise, the experience wasn’t all that big, bad and terrifying. It was just like talking to another human being. Perhaps my social skills are improving. Anyways, I would like to thank the New School of Colour, and The Arts Project, participating and volunteering with those non-profit organizations had apparently made my resume stand out. According to the man that was interviewing me, those two art related organizations made me come across as interesting. Right on. I am a very interesting person. At least I think so. Haha!

Anyways, I didn’t get the job. Although my resume will be stored in a file with a star on it, for future reference, in case I apply again WITH a drivers license. Even though a drivers license takes years to get. Still, that door is there.

I am thankful for a positive experience when it comes to a job interview, I find myself feeling much more optimistic. If I can intrigue one employer, I can intrigue another. I’m just that darn charming! Haha! That just reminded me of a fortune  that I got from a fortune cookie earlier this past week. That is why I laugh. I make myself laugh. I love it! Just can’t help but joke about it every now and then.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Anyways, back to Tim Hortons, and the visit with my children. I had loads of fun. We did what we usually do on Fridays, Park-Hopping! This time we got a little more social, and played a few games of Grounders with the other children at the park. I kinda felt like a Phys.Ed teacher in a way, being the only adult participating with this group of kids. It was fun.

Afterwards, my daughter painted my nails purple and blue, while my son continued to interact with the other children. It was funny, him and a couple of others got the whole park talking about bacon. I was impressed and proud to see how sociable he was being. I mean, at first, he didn’t want to go to that specific park because there was too many people. So yes, I am very proud of him and myself, we both stepped outside of our bubbles that day.

When the visit ended I got a thank you from my ex for getting our boy up and active.

Other than that, my ex asked me if I said that he stalks me online. Obviously I have said that in the past. I mean, how else would my kids be bringing up subjects that I wrote in my blog, or bring up things that were posted on my website? It’s kind of an odd coincidence that my daughter would be saying; “You know what’s hard to draw? A pug is hard to draw.” Hmm… that is a drawing a fellow New School of Colour artist drew that I posted in a slideshow on my weebly website to kinda showcase the New School of Colour in a way. Odd coincidence indeed don’t you think? And these odd coincidences happen rather regularly. Hmm…So yeah, he can say he’s not. Pretend he’s not. But I believe otherwise. Although to avoid any confrontation in front of our children, I just said “I used to think so”, at that particular moment of questioning.

I mean, if he’s not stalking me online, then his friends are, and reporting back to him. Umm.. that seems a bit far fetched. I highly doubt that it’s his friends that don’t know me from a hole in the ground. However, my ex has a history of having nothing better to do than gossip amongst his friends about his ex whom he’s been separated from for a good 5 years now. Pathetic indeed.

Oh another thing he had the nerve to say, “What are you good at?! Ya know, besides art.” Why does it matter to him? That’s what I’d like to know. Perhaps that is a question he should be asking himself. But no, he’s a mooch, that relies on living off of others. He has absolutely no intentions to become, or do anything with his life. My employment, or career choices, that whole journey to find where the fuck I fit is none of his business. But maybe he’s still delusional thinking he can live off of me somehow. NO!! The answer is NO!! And from here on out for the rest of my damn life, NO!!

So yes, some positive can come out of his mouth, but than that just gets blown to shit with negative bullshit.

I was invited to our daughters birthday party, which will be at Adventures in Wonderland. But I’m not sure if that’d be a good idea for me to attend. I mean, my ex and I can only communicate for very short periods of time. We’re not friends. I don’t trust him. He clearly doesn’t trust me. I mean, last year I was getting accused of ridiculous shit. Like I really want to tolerate anymore of that b.s. I think I’d rather keep our interactions to a minimum.

However, we were able to discuss other things regarding our son. I guess he’s having trouble in school again. Similar issues as to what was happening in the Public School regarding his behavior. I guess our son has been saying he wants to blow up the school, and other violent threats. Saying he hates his father, etc. etc. So now he’s only doing half days at school since he is considered a safety concern. That does not sound like the boy I know that I see on weekends.

The school called C.A.S on my ex regarding all this, they talked…and now there are future plans for my son to return to Vanier. Hopefully that doesn’t interfere with my visits. I clearly am a positive influence, and for some reason our son has a lot of pent up anger towards his father. Why is that? Ever think of getting him into some kind of counseling? If I were my son, I’d be angry too. Witnessing his father choke and disrespect his mother. His father favoring his sister over him, and verbally abusing him, and treating him like he’s stupid. Yeah, that would build up some resentment, just saying. I do try to lift my boys spirit, and counteract the abuse. But like I said before, he’s so hurt , he doesn’t believe any praise or compliment. All I can do is love him, and sometimes that feels like it’s not enough.

Anyways…just keep doing what I’m doing. Being the positive. It’s not like C.A.S was called on me. I ain’t the concern here.

Sigh…Moving on. I’m sure my ex won’t be too impressed with this post, but I don’t write to impress. I write my truth.

Other than that, I had a pretty relaxing weekend. Met up with some friends on Saturday for Soup and Sandwich night. One showed up afterward, and we went to his place to chill. We have coffee, talk about art, his experience working in the kitchen, listen to music and play dice. It’s always fun. We’re getting pretty competitive when it comes to playing with dice. Haha!

Tuesday, there was no Leads appointment this week. I remember! Next week at 11am!

At the New School of Colour I finished my soft pastel piece I was  working on. So really, it only took me 2 days to complete. I rarely copy images. Most stuff I do is out of my head, but yeah, good practice.

Resource: Chapter 6- Rocks and Ravines - Painting Watercolor Landscapes with Confidence by Brian Ryder. Pooks interpretation of the watercolour image using soft pastels. Completed 04/21/2015 - All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Resource: Chapter 6- Rocks and Ravines – Painting Watercolor Landscapes with Confidence by Brian Ryder. Pooks interpretation of the watercolour image using soft pastels. Completed 04/21/2015 – All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

At the New School of Colour I was also able to return to my abstract oil painting. After some frustration with mixing colours and not getting the same tone of blue that I wanted when I return to my art piece, I just decided to take that one section and white it right out with the intention to transform it into something else. Art is awesome that way. It can mutate. There are no mistakes. Each piece is it’s own journey. Or as another New School of Colour artist said; “Art is it’s own story.”

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

We’ve made it a routine to go to a friends apartment after a New School of Colour session. On Wednesday, we brought along another friend from the art program. This time, the night consisted of origami, music, tea and coffee.

That reminds me. During the New School of Colour on Wednesday, this friend that I visit after the sessions, he helps other artists with their work. Anyways, while he was helping a friend of ours, he told her; “Baby steps.” I think he knew that would get a reaction from me. It made me giggle because that’s what I say during our dice matches. Haha!

Oh yeah! On Tuesday night, we did a collaboration doodle together, 3 New School of Colour artists, and titled it “Kricket”. I guess when I say crooked, it sounded like I said Cricket. Haha! Good times! Love muh art peeps!

“Kricket” by Melishee, MRC, & Pooks. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Wow. I’m kinda bouncing around all over the place. Just typing whatever I can recall.

Thursday I found myself to be very exhausted. Took me all day to shake off that tired feeling. I drank tea, coffee…even ate vegetables and rice to try to get myself to feel like myself again. Finally, around midnight, I started to feel more lively. Heck, I was even trying to stimulate myself with bright colourful cartoons. I was watching Ferngully. Been so long since I seen that. A friend of mine turned Batty’s rap song into a ringtone, it brought back memories, and yeah. I just had to sit down and watch it again.

Oh yeah! I did my taxes today online. Hopefully I did that right. It was the first time I’ve done them myself. So yeah. Let’s hope I didn’t fuck that up.

Tomorrow I plan to hit the food bank, and prepare for the weekend visit with my children…that hopefully doesn’t get miraculously cancelled.

I might also hear from this male friend of mine, whom asked if I was doing anything this weekend. I told him I was available Friday, but not Saturday and Sunday. So yeah, might meet up with him sometime tomorrow. Who knows, maybe we’ll go to that art group at the Crouch Library that he’s been talking about. Hmm… we shall see.

So yeah, that’s a week in the life of Pooks. There is some light, and dark moments. You take the good in with the bad, both mold you into who you are, and well…apparently that makes me…interesting. Maybe it’s the way I cope that is fascinating. I don’t know.

I skipped some days, because I either don’t remember, or there was just nothing that spectacular to write regarding those days. Like as if you really want to read about a laundry day. Or a day when my nose is stuck in a book reading for hours. So yeah…skip that, and write about more eventful things.

I hope you enjoyed reading. Thank you for reading, and I’ll be back at it again next week. – Pooks

“Depression, anger, and sadness are states of mind, and so are happiness, peace, and contentment. You can choose to be in any of these states because it’s your mind.”

– Maddy Malhotra

Release the Closed Door

Blog day! And there are a few things that are on my mind, completed unrelated to each-other. So I guess the question is, where to begin.

Things are going good with the visits with my kids, but as I’ve mentioned before there are some annoying things I have to put up with when it comes to my ex. Such as he thinks he knows me so well, or his idea of me, yeah that gets really annoying. He clearly doesn’t know me at all. Obviously. I mean, he was trying to tell me that I was all devastated when I turned 30 years old.  That I was all miserable about aging and that I was trashed on my 30th birthday. First off, he wasn’t there, so who the fuck is he to say what happened, he doesn’t have the slightest clue. Secondly, whoopidee shit. I’m in my 30’s.  Thanks to my Mama, Elizabeth King, for good genes, no one believes I’m 31 half the time anyways. Haha! I’m always getting I.D’ed at convenient stores. I guess the way I dress doesn’t help. I like to play with both “genders roles” when it comes to how I dress. Half female, half male… I’m pretty sure I’ve made my fascination with androgyny apparent. Thank you Diana Thorneycroft! Ever since I saw her photography back in high-school, I have seen androgyny as an art. I see nothing but beauty within in it.

Anyway, yeah, I’m pretty sure I blogged what happened on my 30th birthday here on WordPress. I was invited for dinner with 2 very sweet Christian friends of mine, whom eventually moved out to Saskatchewan. They made me a steak dinner, baked an awesome cake, we played around on the acoustic guitar, and yeah, we had some Crown Royal and Coke, but didn’t get plastered as my ex likes to assume. He doesn’t know, and has never met these fabulous friends of mine, so he has no right to say shit about their character. Let alone mine, considering our contact got cut off around that time. Thank god, because I was getting verbally abused through text messages by my ex. So it was a good thing I lost my cell, and all contact was cut off for a period of time. I has given time to actually heal so to speak.

Normally, I don’t drink. My thing is normally coffee. If I’m an addict of anything, it is caffeine. But lately, I’ve had a couple nights out with a friend that is visiting for the summer, a former co- facilitator of the New School of Colour. Matter of fact, she will be opening up and facilitating on Wednesdays starting next week, just for the month of August. Anywho, no I didn’t get plastered, my limit is 3 beers. Not what my ex called ” a beer” either. He used to call one of those large bottles “a beer”, which is like 3 in one. Whatever. I had a nice happy buzz at the St. Regis Tavern. On our second night there, after meeting up for coffee at Fire Roasted Coffee Company and creating some art ( I experimented and surprised myself drawing with the opposite hand), I got to watch her perform with her ukelele. Even the New School of Colour’s/ Old East Village media dude came out. That was cool. Lots of fun. There was lots of talent there during Open Mic Night.

I mean, my ex acts like I’m this social drunk person. But no, I’m an introverted hermit. I’m indoors, in my home majority of the time. I think the world is overwhelming and chaotic, and to avoid any anxiety, I normally stay in. Unless, I’m invited out by familiar people I know. I guess I’m like a vampire that way. You have to invite me first. Unless you are Julie or Ducky, whom, I visit spontaneously without notice. Haha!

Anyway, enough about that. I could explain myself 1000’s times, but my ex will just continue to think what he thinks. He has convinced himself that I am someone I am not. That’s his problem. It’s all in your head nut bar!

Newho, enough about him and his nonsense. It’s out of my system, let’s carry on!

My friend visiting from Montreal has asked a rather interesting question, what is it about creating art with other people? I guess she wants to pin point on that energy that takes place within the New School of Colour, and places like it. I do admit, creating art on my own, say at home, is a lot different than it is surrounded by other artists. But than again, at home alone, motivation can be a struggle. Even inspiration mind you. I mean, I was going to paint on the lid of a tin cookie container. I painted it black, and that was it. I hit a dead end. Haha! Although at the New School of Colour, idea’s tend to flow more easy. That might be because I am surrounded by art, and inspired by it. Not only that, but when you’re alone, idea’s can become stagnant. What I mean by stagnant is, you produce what you know, rather than actually pushing yourself to create something more challenging. In an environment where there is constant creating, there is that opportunity to learn from others around you, and grow. Hence, why I once defined the New School of Colour as a garden within an artist statement of mine, and why I keep returning.  I’ve been going since 2011, and the artists there just keep improving at their own pace. It truly is magical to see. As for motivation, we all become fans of each-others work, there is a lot of encouragement and praise that takes place within it. Each artist plays a role of inspiration. Even if you don’t think you’re that experienced, you could be inspiring to another artist within that studio. It doesn’t have to be the art. It could be the stages, the progress, the amount of effort put into your work, the passion. There is no doubt, that it is a positive environment, and I probably just touched base on the tip of it’s nose. There is a lot more to it, that energy that takes place, to define. I think to have an art therapist explore more on that, would be interesting to see. The information they gather from it all. I am just one perspective, one artist. There is a lot more perspectives to see through in our underground art studio. It’s quite amusing that our studio is underground, it’s like our secret little hide out. We go in and gather in our basement studio down under, and we come out splashing the community with art!

Besides all that, this month is almost over, and I will soon be back on Ontario Works, because the Dean of Art and Humanities at the University thinks I need to focus on my mental health, and what not. “I am happy to see that you are now seeking support, but I do believe that you to resolve the issues that have plagued you before you return to school rather than during your time at school. For this reason, and the fact that little was done to address your difficulties at the time they arose,  I have to deny your petition..” Haha! “Resolve”. That’s cute. Dude! I’ve been passed on from councilor to councilor ever since I was 6 years old. Now, if those “professionals” couldn’t help me “resolve” whatever is supposedly wrong with me, it’s likely it’s not going to be resolved. It’s permanent. It’s just finding what will help me cope through my waves of anxiety and depression without being doped up on prescribed drugs. I refuse to go there.

The whole, I am NOW seeking support. Sure I may not be consistent. But don’t tell me I’m not seeking support, I have. For years mind you, it’s not just a recent thing. Not to mention, when you get that freakin depressed, to the point your shutting the world out, it’s not an easy thing to suddenly snap out of. But then again, this guy clearly doesn’t understand anything regarding mental health issues.

Not to mention, that the way the economy is headed, and the global issues of today. There’s going to be more people experiencing anxiety and depression. It is becoming a norm, because technically, we are all in danger. Our own leaders and governments are putting us in that position, poisoning our food with chemicals, destroying our natural resources with oil and fracking. Our own disgusting prime minister approving genocide in another country. It doesn’t matter what race, or religion they are, it’s humans killing humans. Not only that, but humans exterminating defenseless humans, children. That is horrific. And if that has no affect on you as a human being, than what the fuck is wrong with you? I mean, you’d think people would have evolved from past events of genocide, the outcome, the consequences. Have you people not learned fuck all from what happened to your Canadian Indigenous people? You’re just going to create more people like me that cannot conform into your system, but will be accepted by fellow outcasts, rebels and freaks. You’ll just create a growing enemy.

But no, by all means. Stigmatize me. Act like there’s a cure. There isn’t. Leaders are the problem.

“the extracurricular activities you undertook don’t appear excessive”

For someone with anxiety, yeah it was. I was on the board of directors, I was a volunteer at  The Arts Project, my schedule with my children’s visits changed to weekends, I dropped some of those things so that I could focus more on my studies. But I guess I’m suppose to  drive myself like a slave until I’m to drained to properly look after my kids, or want to continue to create art. Right? I didn’t let go of the New School of Colour, sorry, that keeps me sane so to speak. It is my voice in a way. But I don’t expect a person so conditioned into the system to understand that. A sheep is driven by money, convinced they NEED money to live. Fuck the money, that’s not what you need to live. You need your natural resources, DUH!! But not only that, you need each-other! Stop killing off your fellow humans for petty fuckin reasons. It’s stupid. Money makes people stupid. Ughhh! It’s sickening. Yeah, I’d rather call myself an alien.

I got off track there. But yeah, what may be too much for one person, may not be too much for the next. But I guess this Dean cannot comprehend that.

The Dean was my art history teacher, the pop culture and media half of the course during Fall/Winter 2013. And as I explained before, he didn’t teach as well as the women do at the university. Just because you move your hands it doesn’t mean you’ll keep the class engaged. Not to mention, in the first class he said “Capitalists decide what art is.” And yeah, I was repulsed and I highly disagree with that sentence. The artist will not only tell you what art is, but they will show you. Too much credit is given to the Capitalists. Fuck them!

Anyway, that e-mail didn’t say anything about when I could register again. Hopefully in 2015. At least I was able to improve my mark in Sociology. In the mean time, back onto Ontario Works. I’ll continue to see my psychologist at the University. Speaking of which, I will have to re-book. I missed the last appointment because that e-mail got me rather distraught. Emotionally, I needed the time to cope with that disappointment. Thank my friend for inviting me  out, it’s shown me, that positive experiences can still be had even after receiving bad news. It’s not the end of the world, and I can still make the best out of life.

Onto OW, and job searching I guess. Back to square one. Some volunteering, maybe get some kind of art related part-time job I could tolerate. I’m not going to be able to support having my kids on weekends with just OW alone. So time to start thinking of places I could possibly apply to. I admit, I have lacked effort in job searching before. I like to live spontaneously, so a job restricts that to the bore of repetition. Partly why I despise dishes so much. It’s not like I can’t do it, I just don’t look forward to it. There is no creativity in repetition. My mind likes to wonder, explore, and try new things. Restrains, I don’t like restrains period. But you know what they say, one door closes, another opens. I just need to find it. – Pooks

“The greatest crimes in the world are not committed by people breaking the rules but by people following the rules. It’s people who follow orders that drop bombs and massacre villages.”

– Bansky

 

 

 

 

 

Positive Things are Ahead

Think. Think. Think! I don’t know why I try to think so hard when I’m trying to start  a blog post, I just end up typing whatever my thoughts are at that point in time anyway. Stop trying to plan it, and just type!

So, hmm… I know I had posted twice last week, but there was quite a bit on my mind, and I always feel better once it’s out of my system wither through my art, or writing. Just get it out, and move on kinda thing, other wise it will just linger there in my brain and manifest itself slowly into an emotional, psychological,  mental snowball. Can’t have that. I have enough things that overwhelm me in this world. So yeah,  writing is like a filter in a way. Write it out, and move on.

This past weekend was wonderful. I mean, I know I knit-pick sometimes regarding my ex, but if you look at the overall picture, I am very fortunate. I have more time with my children, it’s better than just an hour or 2 a week. My weekend visits are scheduled for 10am Saturday, to 5pm Sunday ( for 2 Weekends in a row). Since we’ve been doing exchanges without a third party, yes my ex has been late, or I end up having to do both the picking up and dropping off. Which does cut into my time with the kids, but I think that time is made up for on Sunday evening when I do the drop off, because my ex invites me for dinner, and I get to spend more time with our children until they go to bed. We still try to stick to the same schedule, every third Friday my visit is in their area of the city. Some things have changed, such as our son, if he chooses not to come along during one of my visits, that’s fine. I do understand that he is getting older, and yeah a 9 year old boy would much rather be doing other things then hang out with his Mommy and little sister.  Plus, the quality time with his father could be beneficial. Not to mention, while his sister is away, him and his father have a meat feast. Our daughter doesn’t eat much meat, mostly white meat. So I guess they indulge in our absence. Haha!

I am glad that this past weekend I didn’t have to hear about so and so thinks I’m a street walker non-sense. But this week, it’s been more talk about history,  society, and capitalism basically. Thank you, I would rather listen to that than childish gossip. My ex has been doing his research tracking way back in history, one book he told me to check out was the Book of Enok. So there’s another book to add to my “To-read” list. I have so many I wanna read. But first I have to finish what I have, and I jumping from book to book, so there’s a number of books I need to complete. Plus my text books that I got from school, the chapters we didn’t cover during the term.

There was a court date scheduled for this past Tuesday, and I didn’t make it. I’ve been exhausted, and my body has been recuperating from all the running, jumping, climbing I did on Sunday, plus the large amount of walking that I do. So yeah, my body was begging for rest. I don’t really give it much of a chance to do so otherwise. It’s like I hit a brick wall of exhaustion, and my body is like; nope, you’re not going anywhere today. You are staying put and resting dammit!!

But yesh, court! According to my ex, that was only for if either of us had a dispute towards the current arrangements. I have no complaints about my access, matter of fact, I am grateful. My ex is grateful for the down time, and I am grateful for the time with our children. Maybe one day, I could have joint custody, but for now, I am appreciating what I have. It is more than I had before.

I’m not sure what is going on when it comes to enrolling into University for the Fall/ Winter Term 2014. My account is on hold, so I cannot enroll in anything as of yet. I’m not sure if my academic probation has been pardoned or lifted yet.  I did write a letter with my Indigenous Services counselor, and gave in supporting documents from my psychologist, and a learning strategist counselor.

I did pass Sociology during the summer term, I got a mark, and it’s not an F. Thank goodness! I mean, my plan was to slowly work my way up. so during the summer I took one course I had failed previously. I was hoping to take on the other 2 courses, Visual Arts Studio, and Art History during the Fall/ winter 2014. I am seeing a psychologist now at the University, I am working on my own personal barriers. I mean seriously, it’s art, I know I am more than capable than doing better than an F, I just needed the support to help me cope with my mental health. I need to be more aware of my own thoughts and emotions, because sometimes they get a lil chaotic and send me spiraling, to the point I avoid shit and try to sleep it all way. And as I have discussed with my psychologist, does that really solve anything? NOOOOO!!! Haha! There are other ways of responding to these thoughts and emotions, and I am learning.

Matter of fact, I seen my psychologist today, and I was sent home with homework. I am to fill out a chart to help me keep track of my thoughts, emotions, triggers and responses for whenever I experience anxiety. But I am also to note down positive thoughts, emotions and responses, just so that I can get a clear picture of both. I am to also practice a breathing exercise everyday.

I guess for someone like myself, with a long history of abuse, there wasn’t really a parent, or guardian to walk me through how to cope with emotions.  Ya know? A parent may sit down with a child that might not understand what they are feeling, and they kinda walk them through it. You are feeling this sad because _______, let’s work on a solution. So yeah, now that I’m all grown up, I find myself having to learn on my own…well not necessarily on my own, but I have to reach out to others to learn these skills I may be lacking. I am a bit impulsive, reactive, spontaneous, very in tune with my emotions… I guess I can be perceived as a wild woman to society for my lack of control of my own thoughts and emotions.  My point is; I need to be aware of my own thoughts. Ya know? I’m not always in danger, or threatened. My guard doesn’t need to constantly be up. It comes down to controlling my own thoughts. Basically slowing down, stepping back,  grabbing the reigns and controlling what I think. Being able to step outside myself and look at the situation, and how to problem solve. Sometimes I can handle it successfully. Like the time I thought I was being evicted, and I needed an answer so I made a phone call. Other times, not so successful, I fall back into habits of avoidance and sleep, and well…as you’ve seen numerous times throughout this blog, it solves nothing. It takes practice to learn a new way to think. To be consciously aware of what you are thinking. Thoughts are powerful, and rather than letting it control me, I have to control them.

Other than all that, I do have some things to look forward to. Such as this coming Friday, The grand opening of the New School of Colour Art Exhibit at The Root Cellar ( London, ON) takes place at 7pm. I have more than one art piece displayed there that is up for grabs if anyone is interested. By all means check it out!

This Saturday the Old East Village Block Party takes place on English Street. I am hoping to attend, and bring my children, if not my son, then at least my daughter. I heard there’s going to be a barbeque, a bouncy castle, interactive art, and music, and who knows what else. I mean, part of my duty as a parent is to socialize my children, and what better place to bring them than a community I love.

Next Thursday, me and 2 fellow New School of Colour ladies will be going to the Palace Theatre to watch The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth. Two very classic movies. I mean, I must’ve seen Labyrinth more than 1000 times in my life time, and I would definitely watch it again in a theatre. Not to mention, with 2 fellow artists and friends I can be my silly self with.  Absolutely.

Oh! And yesterday, my friend Kim gave me a X-mas ornament that she ordered from K & C Customized Creations that was just mind blowing. Not only was it my favorite colour blue, but it also had my artist alias name on it; Pooks. I love it! I cannot thank Kim and K & C Customized Creations enough. Check out the FB page, give it a like. I heard that the lady has started to take in orders for the X-mas balls, they’re very popular. You can even check out what I was given on that page. Just look for the blue X-mas ornament that says; “Pooks”. Pretty awesome for $5 each. 😉

https://www.facebook.com/pages/KC-Customized-Creations/202940436536896?fref=ts

Oh! And last week I helped out another artist friend, whom I have not seen in awhile. I basically helped out with typing out book references on her computer. she appreciated my help, and I appreciated the experience. I mean, the extra practice with book referencing could come in handy when it comes to University, and writing academically.

So, I don’t know. Things have been kinda chill lately. Nothing to rant about personally. That’s a good thing, and positive things are ahead Yaaaaaay!

– Pooks

“What is the difference between an obstacle and an opportunity? Our attitude toward it. Every opportunity has a difficulty, and every difficulty has an opportunity.”- J Sidlow Baxter

Spotlight

Well since my life is just so freakin interesting, right down to “OMG!! Pooks is talking to this person, or that person”, here’s another post. I mean, since I’m already in your spotlight, let me just adjust the lighting here. Haha!

So just because I bought smokes off this native dude, that is a father to one of our daughters lil friends, my ex does what he does. Tells me that the guy told him that I’m a “street walker.” Ever convenient. Haha! Same shit as always. So and so spoke to me, so they’re N.F.G (No fuckin good). And I find it amusing how from my perspective, how coincidental it is that everyone that my ex speaks to makes the same assumption; she’s a whore. Umm… no. So obviously, this is made up bullshit, by my ex, because he’s insecure I’ll go running off with this dude. Not like my ex has a chance either. But seriously, I just bought smokes off the dude and it turns into this big crazy hype. Get a grip.The guy is being possessive and I’m not even his girl anymore.

Not to mention, I don’t give a shit who he dates, or who he’s fucking, let alone speaks to. It’s none of my business. Yet he’s gotta stick his nose in mine. I actually want him to move on. But he keeps holding onto this thought that we will reconcile and get back together. Nope, not gonna happen. Just the little things show me, he’s still the same jack-ass, and I am better off without.

An example, the kids and I lined up as my ex was gonna serve ice cream. Clowning around, as he was getting our daughters ice cream prepared. I was saying “Mine! Mine! MINE!!” He made this hand gesture like he was grabbing my throat. Isn’t that how he assaulted me years ago? Why would you do that? If that’s his idea of a joke, it’s not funny.

Even if he’s thinking of our kids when it comes to who I could possibly get involved with. It’s not like I ever stuck my nose into who he’s been dating. Supposedly according to him, the last girl he was seeing was crazy, banging on his door really late at night, or whatever. Not my business. You’re a big boy. As a parent, I’d think he’d figure out who would be suitable to have around our children and who isn’t. But no, does the same apply to me? No. He doesn’t trust my judgment.

Anyway, even if this freakin guy I did buy smokes off of did say I’m a street walker, it don’t matter. You clearly have no idea who the heck Pooks is. I am an artist, a writer, and one day, maybe even a freakin legend!! Although, I don’t believe that is what he said. I do believe he asked my ex “Whose that broad?” And that triggered my exes insecurities to make up the remaining bullshit. Okay, just the word “broad” knocks that dude onto the “not a chance” list. If you just see me as a hot “piece of meat” you wanna bang, no thanks. My mind has to be what lures and captivates a guy’s attention, not my exterior. That is nothing but a shell, and it will age and crumble eventually.

It’s frustrating. Yes, my ex and I get along for the most part. We are being civil. But clearly my ex still thinks he can control of who I speak to just because I am his children’s mother. I’M NOT YOURS ANYMORE!!! AND YOU ARE NOT MINE!!! Let go.

I’m not even looking for a relationship right now. If it happens, it happens. My focus is on myself, how to better myself and my situation. Hence, why I nose-dived back into the University. Sure that can sound selfish. But a better, and improved me, is a better, and improved Mama.

And how many times do I need to say that my standards have been raised? If my ex don’t fit those standards, the guy I bought smokes from isn’t gonna fit those standards either. Just sayin.

It always comes down to this Pooks is a whore bullshit, and that’s just nonsense. But I might as well clear it up, once AGAIN. My children and their father live in a low-income complex, and well… small communities love their gossip. So no, Pooks is not a street walker. I mean, yes, I do sometimes take walks at night, but I’m not a hooker. I’m the girl with the headphones on, dressed like a boy, walking and listening to my tunes, enjoying the moonlight. Sometimes, I’ll even take pictures while I’m out and about. The night is much cooler than it is during the day, and I don’t have the sun burning my eyes out. The moon is more gentle on the eyes. Plus, I love blue, and everything turns into shades of blue at night if you haven’t noticed.

This is my wonderful life, trying to co-parent with a past abuser. Not easy. But I do feel wiser. I observe, analyze, reflect, and share. Maybe someone out there could be trying to do the same thing. Maybe my knowledge can be helpful in a way. I don’t know.

Instead of letting these accusations sink under my skin, I laughed about it, because it’s the same old shit, and I know what I am and what I am not. And the people that do know me know that those false claims  are utterly ridiculous. Of coarse I deserve better than that stupidity, and one day I will find it. But for now, I’m enjoying the greatest love of all, and that is the love for myself.

Maybe you can’t stand me. Maybe you love me so much, you hate me for it. I don’t know. Whatever your dilemma, that is your problem to sort out. Because in my little world, Pooks is fabulous. 🙂  – Pooks

6a00d83451b64669e2014e8a93eddd970d-500wi

 

Supposed Love

I’m a day behind with this blogging thing. I was too exhausted yesterday, so yeah. Here it is, a day later.

Last weekend My ex and I went ahead with my weekend visit with my kids without a third party’s involvement. It was going good, until after I had put the kids to bed on Sunday at their dads house. I was invited for dinner, and to help get the kids to bed. So I did. Anyway, I had to wait awhile for the next bus, and my ex offered hot chocolate. I was like, sure. But then he just had to go and lay the whole “I was thinking about you these last four years, and you’ll never know how much I love you.” Ughh… Ever disappointing. I thought we had past this shit. He’s not getting me back, and that is final. Freakin guy says no one loves me, because I don’t have family to back me up. He was saying I don’t know what love is, or some shit like that. Wrong. I do have people that love me, they may not be family, but I consider them my underground art family. They’ve accepted me wholeheartedly, aspects of me, the weird, awkward, dark,  silliness and all. So maybe that was an attempt to manipulate, and yeah, that almost made me cry, saying I don’t know what love is. But then I was like, wait a minute, this is coming from my ex, I cannot listen to anything that comes out of his mouth. As in take anything he says seriously, or personally. Besides, just because I am kind to you, and I smile, and nod, and listen to your babble, does not mean I am interested and that you have a chance.

Looking around his home, I was like; no, I cannot have that invading my fortress that I call my home again. It’s no wonder our daughter calls my home “special”, I actually take care of it, and respect my home. So the kids kind of get a breathe of fresh air at my house, out of clutter.

Don’t get me wrong, he can be a nice guy, but every now and then he let’s the asshole out. For example: he tries to portray himself as this guy that respects women, but then he says something chauvinistic, like he’s disgusted with women, and he thinks they will dominate and ruin the world. That could be your daughter one day, dumb ass!! I’m not saying she’ll ruin the world, but I’m saying she could be a powerful woman in her future. Something most old white men fear. Heaven forbid that, sexist douchebags.

So yeah, I do agree with something he said weeks ago. We are two very different people. That we are. And that is why we will never work, so drop it already.

I will help with parenting, but no, I cannot picture an intimate future with that guy. Plus, he seems to think he can still pull off that mooch/ freeloader bullshit. Oh, Pooks is in school, she can work, get the job, and I’ll stay home and do fuck all, and live off her the rest of my life. No thanks. That sounds like a depressing freakin life. It would be like taking in an over grown child, that is almost 40 years old. I believe I tried that kinda thing over and over for over 5 years, and it didn’t work. Why the hell would it work now? It’s not going to. Excuse my pessimism! But after all that repetitious bullshit, I think I know the outcome.

So yeah, so not impressed that he dropped the words “I love you.” Which is soooo not true. I mean, we can’t even have a conversation, he’s doing majority of the talking, so he’s not really interested in anything I have to say. I just get cut off mid sentence. So don’t fuckin tell me you’re interested, when I know it’s bullshit.

So yeah, go figure, the moment a third party is out of the picture. Bam! Same shit. Different year. There has to be something seriously wrong with you if you can’t take the hint after 4 years of being separated.

Other than that, my time with my children has been wonderful, last weekend we went to the New School of Colour Family Day, that was fun, and very messy. Haha! My daughter was fascinated with the young Nepali Dancers that were dancing outside.  What else? We had a water balloon fight, we watched The Lego Movie… my time with them is always an adventure. I always look forward to it.

That reminds me, the reason my ex and I went with out Merrymounts services last weekend is because we are both experiencing financial struggles. He’s on welfare, I’m still waiting for financial assistance as a student. I was given an emergency bursary, that I was supposed to use for rent, but $40 was spent on my son’s birthday, $20 so that him and his friends could get into Adventures on Wonderland, another $20 on games there. $81 for a bus pass. $10 for a strip of children’s bus tickets. $200 for my text book. And about $100 on groceries to feed my kids when they’re over. So yeah, that’s where that went. My kids are my priority. Other things will have to wait until I finally get some financial support. It’s taking longer because I have to provide supporting documents regarding my mental health, and I don’t have it all together yet. I still need to do an assessment.

So yeah, even though I’m broke, not financially supported (yet), I go to school anyways. Consider it my self-discipline or punishment for fucking up the Winter Term. So while other students are enjoying the summer, I’m sitting in class re-taking a course I did not do so well the first time around. Funny how I say (yet), because my Summer Intermission class ends on the 20th. By the time I finally do get some financial support, the term will be over. Nothing like taking it’s sweet ass time.

It’s not like I can register for OW now, :” they don’t support students.” So just try to tough this out as long as I can. I feed myself at Indigenous Services, and pretty much try to save the food I have at home for my kids.

Other than that, it’s almost festival season. Looking forward to all the summer festivals, as I always do, starting off with Nuit Blanche, which isn’t this weekend, but the following weekend. Yaaay! Art everywhere! Love it.

I know I kinda ranted in this blog a bit regarding my ex, I mean even though we’ve been getting along for the most part, it’s just that I am annoyed and exhausted with his “supposed love”. He says I don’t know what it is, I’m pretty sure it’s not slavery. Newho, whatever. This whole “I love you” bullshit is just an eye roller. A head shaker. Something that makes you sigh “Oh brother.” Ya know? Are we ever going to move past this, and just be parents to our children? Or are his dumb stupid hormones always going to interfere? I’m interested in being a parent to our children, not his lover. Ughhh… Will he ever get the point? It’s been 4 years, and I’m having my doubts. What is wrong with you? – Pooks

 

 

It's like this, but with a male. CREEPY!

It’s like this, but with a male. CREEPY!

World of Addicts

Having a little trouble keeping up with this blog, let alone anything else in my life currently. Thanks for your patience.

Things are just piling up, and yeah, for a bit there I was overwhelmed, stressed, frustrated, I just wanted to say “Fuck it!” and crawl back in bed. But no, that didn’t happen. Instead, I grabbed myself a coffee, sat down, and wrote out a to-do list. Turns out, it looks a hell of a lot more manageable written down than it did in my own head. Apparently my imagination will exaggerate things and blur it all into an imaginary scribble of chaos within my head. Written down though, it’s not that bad after all. It will all get done! Even if I do have to deal with the stupidity of this brainless society. Why do I say that? Well, for my annual review for housing, I needed some kind of verification that I had been discharged from Ontario Works. No idea why they hadn’t asked this from me last year when I was discharged, but yeah, let’s wait and ask for this info months later when it’s lost within the house or possibly thrown out. Just wonderful! so yeah, I decided to call OW, hoping I could get a copy of this stupid letter, but no, I was sent in circles and repeatedly told “they do not do that.” Then what do you do?!!!… Besides send people in circles.  I don’t think these people in their cubicles realize just how dumb they sound. Ever frustrating. So yeah, I have come to the conclusion that the system trains you to be stupid. You get paid to be stupid, and their stupidity is beyond frustrating. This is where your years of training has gotten you?? Wow. And this is what is expected of me.

Perhaps my isolation has given me a perspective to see things everyday people wouldn’t notice. I don’t think they realize how dumb they are being. I just asked for one measly thing, and nope, sent in circles by these dumb brainless parrots!! And yeah, they are paid to be dumb. Pathetic. Is this where an education will lead you?

I thought I had all my paper work together for this review, but, apparently housing needs more, and they will have to wait a little longer, considering I still need to do my taxes. I will procrastinate as long as I can when it comes to dealing with people. I hibernate in my humble abode, and I think you can see why. I think I’ve painted the picture clear enough of how annoying it can be when I gotta deal with society.  Today I just don’t have the tolerance for stupidity.

As for school funding, I still need to apply for. I missed the due date for NNEC, so looks like I will be applying for OSAP alone. Huger dept in the end, but whatever. I need something to get my foot back in the door.

Rent is obviously late. I’m down to my last $100. That is it, that is all, unless I can get back into school, or sign up for OW for the summer. Considering I only got one response from all the resumes I sent out there, and it was a rejection letter, I think a job is out of the question. No one wants to hire a savage.  Life is freakin fabulous!  That’s me being sarcastic. I have 2 birthdays coming up for both my children, and yeah. Things are a bit tight right now.

What else? Apparently being summoned for a meeting at my son’s school. I guess he’s been saying some rather gruesome things such as blowing things up, and blowing peoples heads off. I’d hate to say I told you so about the video games, but whatever, I guess the finger is generally being pointed in my direction anyways. It MUST be the mothers fault, she’s a fuckin NATIVE! Go figure. I’ll go all right, and I’ll go looking freakin fabulous!  If I can out dress a C.A.S Worker at a court house, I can out dress a room of teachers.  I’ll make them all look freakin dumb for calling me in.

I guess what they want to do is put my son into Residential Care at Madame Vanier. I don’t think so. You really think I will let them mess with my time with my son, after all the years I waited and busted my ass just to get the time I do get. Nuuuh uh! Think again! Besides, I believe there is a reason Madame Vanier closed my sons file  back when he used to attend classes there, HE’S FINE!!  He’s a boy. Boys like things that explode, and all that stuff. Geez! This society is so judgmental. Not only that, if there was a concern between us parents, CAS wouldn’t have closed our case file. It seems like this school board is just trying to drag them back in.

According to sociology, parents don’t have that big of an influence on children as much as their peers do. So, since I am not the primary care giver of our son, MAYBE their father should sit down with our sons friends parents and talk about games and movies he’ll allow our son to play and watch. Take some charge at least. I’m not there!! Our son is getting exposed to some violent shit, and if it’s not at my house, or my exes (as he claims), then he needs to COMMUNICATE with these other parents of what he considers acceptable.

Like seriously, there is only so much I can do. I have weekends. I do try to make attempts to get my son away from screens period. During dinner, we do watch animated movies, but afterward, we walk that food off, get some exercise. I’ll keep our kids outside as long as I can or at least until the sun goes down.

It seems like screens have become a problem with our son since I had been assaulted years ago. Perhaps this is his way of dealing with the trauma, wither he knows it or not. When he was 5 years old, he was glued to the t.v, watching Garfield repeatedly. That movie was playing when the incident occurred.  I remember there were times I actually had to unplug all the televisions just to get him to do something else… he’s like an addict to screens. But in this day in age, everyone uses a screen to distract themselves from reality. It is a world of addicts.

Anyway, There were some games on my computer, such as Roblox, seemed kinda lego-ish, but as a pre-caution, I took it off my computer. I will be more strict when it comes to online games. Only games that don’t involve any killing, if it’s going to be that big of an issue. Our kids can play Sweetland, the Amazing World of Gumball, Angry Birds, stuff like that. I don’t download games, as they take up space, and slow down my computer.

It’s not like I haven’t expressed my concern for these violent video games before. I even shared my concern with CAS, and they just turned their other cheek and ignored it.

At the last visit my son was talking about horror movies, such as Predator, Paranormal Activity, and The Blair Witch Project. During one of our walks out doors we got into a dispute over things he seen on YouTube. Trying to tell me that the Minecraft Slenderman was real. That would be where I told him, you cannot believe everything you see on a screen. He was very stubborn about it, and yeah, I don’t think I fully convinced him that these things are NOT real. Hence, why I try to get him away from screens. Perhaps he’s taking things a bit too literal, which can be expected, he is only 8 years old, soon to be 9.

Besides, video games do not create memories. My goal is to create as many positive memories with the time that I do have, which I find works best when we venture outside. I discovered he has quite a good swing when he was hitting a plastic bottle off the bleachers with a stick. Who knows? He could get good at baseball. But like I said before, I’m not the primary care giver, when it comes to extracurricular activities, that is for his father to decide. I don’t know what they do. Besides swimming the odd time.

Other than all that. I did agree to have our daughters birthday party at my house, which means my ex coming over. I figured that would be nice, my daughter might really enjoy the company of having both parents present for her birthday.

My exes behavior has changed, or seems to be different. It’s taking some time to get used to. Heck, he even called me a “lady”.  Now I’m a lady? Whatever happened to dip shit, whore, slut, crack head, prostitute and all that other verbal abuse?  I find myself still being cautious. Paranoid he has an ulterior motive.  I hope I’m wrong. Once again, only time can tell. – Pooks

“An over-indulgence of anything, even something as pure as water, can intoxicate.”- Criss Jami