Split

Things have been rocky lately. Obviously. If I’m not writing or creating art, somethings wrong.
To get to the point, I broke up with “my man” or whatever the fuck you want to call him.
I’m tired of arguing every weekend over the same shit repeatedly. It’s like that quote says; Don’t apologize, then continue making the same mistake. Ya know? Actions speak louder than words. You’re not fuckin sorry. I am just seen as some kind of doormat that isn’t taken seriously unless I dump your ass and kick you out. Yeah, and once I do that, suddenly his bahavior changes. Now he’ll start doing what I’ve asked him to do.
All I wanted was him to be a man and be the father that he is to our daughter. But no, alcohol and everything else was a priority. I’m sure cleaning can be put on hold for 15 -20 minutes so he can bond with his daughter. Get to know her. But no. He would drink past his limit, and say he can’t hold our daughter. Or… He’d clean and clean the house. Even shit that wasn’t necessary. Like sorting copper in the basement. After awhile, all I see is a coward that neglects his daughter.
Right now he’s spending time with her. AFTER I fuckin dump him. Typical. Seems to be the thing most men do.
But yeah, we’re done. I know this is just temporary, and if I take him back, shit will return to the same bullshit.
Anyways, our relationship isn’t really much these days anyways. He acts more like a roommate then anything. So yeah, makes me think that he was just interested in my home and nothing else. K. Maybe my home and sex. But since I haven’t seen this great father he claims to be, forget that shit! I mean he claims he was such a good “father” to his younger brother and sister. Really? Did you neglect them as much as you do our daughter?
But yeah, that’s another thing. Maybe he’s doubting our daughter is even his. His older sister did make a remark to him saying: “How could you be so stupid? She doesn’t even look like you!” That’s his sister whom is also a C.A.S worker. Maybe she should keep her profession at work. Ya know? Being a professional home wrecker and all. I don’t know how people can be proud of that occupation. You got to be sick and twisted taking pride in tearing families apart. I wouldn’t be able to do it. But I guess it makes them feel so powerful and godly. Yup. Sick and twisted people out there.
Anyways, back to my issue. Alcohol seems to be a reaccuring thing. He drinks to relax, he drinks because he’s stressed, to have fun, and the lamest excuse yet;… because a woman at a gas pump frustrated him. Seriously?? Let’s make everything a reason.
He says “I knew about his drinking problem from the beginning.” Yup. I knew. It was stupid of me to think he would kick alcohol to the curb, just because he said he would for his child’s sake. He said February was his month to cut down, and he’d stop when the baby arrive. Well…he’s still drinking. Not only that but he sneaks to drink behind my back, and he lies to me. Freakin telling me it was 2, but no he’s moved up to 4. “Oh you have no idea how stressful my job is.” Really?? Your dad isn’t using that as an excuse. Apparently he was able to quit alcohol successfully AND he works in the same job field, construction! So yeah, everything that comes out of my now ex man’s mouth is a freakin excuse.
Another thing, he sends his ex a Facebook message. If he hates her sooooo much, what the fuck?? He says he did it because she said called him a dead beat, and he’d make nothing of himself when they broke up. So why does he value her opinion? Or what she thinks? And why does he keep bringing his past up? He says he’s over her, but…Yeah. Let’s contact the ex. Maybe because he said she bugged him for sex all the time, and I won’t bother to put out.
Yet that was one of the reasons I liked him, he said he didn’t need it all the time. Yet he has bugged me for sex again and again. Funny how that changed. I can go a long time without it.
Speaking of exes. He says I compare him a lot to my ex. Maybe I do. They both were molested as children. They both were abandoned by thier mothers at some point in their lives.They both claim to have “raised” thier younger siblings. As for the drinking shit, it’s like everything is on repeat. Same bullshit. Except my “now ex” man doesn’t go out partying. He just drinks more regularly and avoids us (our daughter and I) like a plague. My ex avoided his responsibility too when my son was a baby, and wasn’t really there either for our daughter as a baby. What a coincidence?! Even though my now ex man is under the same roof, he’s not really present either.
So yeah…pretty much the same shit. In it for the sex, but when its time to step up to the consequences of your actions, like a freakin baby!!, he’s too damn busy with everything else.
So yeah, I don’t really get breaks. His dad baby-sat once, but other than that. I’m busting my ass. And clearly that isn’t enough. My now ex man expects me to take care of the baby, and do housework. As a breastfeeding and bottle feeding mom, sometimes I feel pinned to the couch feeding for hours. I’m lucky to get one chore done in a day. I’m lucky if I can even do any self care for crying out loud, such as a shower. But yeah, he’s not really that involved, and couldn’t comprehend the struggle.
Anyways, he’s packing his stuff. I want him out. But knowing my luck, he will probably pull the same shit as my ex, and take my daughter with him. C.A.S seems to favor the white men.
What else? Maybe it’s too much stress and pressure building up. Ontario Works…First Nations Housing Co-Op..
If I move to this new place with him, I’m no longer eligible for OW. We will struggle, especially if he continues to drink. As for First Nations Housing Co-Op, my subsidy has been terminated. Rent will be going up. And yeah, this place isn’t worth being charged the extra. Technically, we shouldn’t even be in this house. I mean with the asbestos in the basement. It’s a health risk. Not to mention other things like the structural integrity of the stairway floor joist. Basically my livingroom floor can clasp in on itself if too much weight is put onto it. Half of my home isn’t even insulated. So on and so forth.
So yeah, if we were still together we would be moving into another house in June or July. But since I can’t picture  myself tolerating anymore of this drinking and neglect shit, we’ll just have to find our own homes separately. Meaning, it’s probably back to London Housing for me. Get myself and our baby on a waiting list. It’s a step backwards, but better than living in house that should be condemned, and staying in a relationship that ceases to exist anymore.
Funny because it would have been our 1 year Anniversary on the 21st. So we didn’t even last a year.
Sorry I knew what I wanted in a relationship, and he couldn’t live up to it. Sorry I thought he was capable of things he isn’t, obviously. I think I have had it with men. Here’s to celibasy! Turns out women are more “manly”, and do have “the balls” so to speak. Men are just cowardly pussies thinking with thier penis.They can’t handle half the shit women go through. Heck! They’re scared of a little baby for crying out loud! Not to forget that they can’t handle a little baby vomit, pee, or poo.
I can’t remember who said it, but yeah, if you can’t handle baby vomit, don’t have kids.
So yeah, no point in getting another Depo shot in 3 months. Love is temporary and doesn’t last, like all things. It’s just a mental phase or illusion that comes with more pain.
I’m done fighting about the same shit. If he wants to keep alcohol in his life, he can have it. I am out. – Pooks

“It’s like a switch, clickin’ off in my head. Turns the hot light off and the cool one on, and all of a sudden there’s peace.” – Tennessee Williams on alcoholism

I Look Forward

Just got back in, so I got a bit of time to sit down and type. Yaaaay!

Newho, last weekend my children and I celebrated my daughters birthday. I made her a vanilla birthday cake. She loved it. It was also the long weekend, so when we went to the park, we got to see fireworks going off in the neighborhood. It was cool. One kind teenager even gave my daughter a sparkler. So thanks to that kind young lady, my daughter loved it while it lasted.

Overall, it was a good weekend. It just ended kinda stressful. I just had to misplace my keys, and I noticed they were missing when it was time to take my children back to Merrymount. Anyways, as time went on with my search for the keys, by this time, I knew I wasn’t going to make it there on time. So I sent a message to Merrymount, saying something along the lines of forwarding a message to my ex to come to my house for the pick up. To make things more stressful, Merrymount could not arrange that and suggested that I either contact my ex, or someone we both know and trust to help out with the exchange. Well…obviously I don’t associate with my ex’s crowd and vise-versa. So yeah, I was in a bit of a pickle. I guess they were giving my ex a hard time on his end as well. Luckily for me, I was able to find his number and contact him directly. So yeah, now he has my number. But when he came to pick up our kids, he agreed, regarding keeping our communication to minimum.

My ex was saying we should just cut Merrymount out all together. I don’t know, he was concerned that they were going to call the police or something. Seriously? I just misplaced my keys, and threw it in the laundry. That happens sometimes. It’s not a crime.

But then again, another crazy suggestion from my ex was to go off radar. Well that would mean give up one of my passions. Writing this blog. He wants me to shut it down. Umm..no.

As an introvert, I need an outlet which is this blog, and my art. My writing, and my art, the things I create, that is the very essence of Pooks. Pooks is a creator, and a messenger. And whatever that message is, isn’t complete until I’m dead. Capiche?! I will leave my mark in this world, and my writing and my art is a part of that message.

Getting back on track, I did manage to find my keys though, 2 hours later after the time I was too drop my kids off at Merrymount. That being AFTER I tore the interior of my house apart, making a huge mess, then cleaning it all back up. Actually, I was going to give up, and decided to give the laundry pile one more shot. So when I was about to throw some clothes into the washer, I found my keys in the pocket of the sweater I was wearing the night before. Go figure. So the moral of all that chaos is…don’t throw your keys in the laundry pile!!

Moving on…

Monday I had dinner at this new person in my life, whom I can proudly say is now my boyfriend. He’s an amazing cook. One evening he made me deer steak, salad, fiddler heads, and a double baked potato. Another evening he made me a very cheesy omelette. and another evening we had pasta.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Anyways…Monday! That was Victoria Day here in Canada. So we planned to go see the fireworks at the Fanshawe Conservation Area. We were a bit late, but the walk there and back was amazing. We seen the fireworks from a distance, seen fireworks along our walk through the countryside, outskirts of London. We shared ghost stories. And when there was some kind of animal in the bush, he kept me safe. He scared it off, whatever it was. Our walk gave us plenty of time to talk and learn about each-other. It was awesome. Near the end of it, we lied down by the Thames River and gazed at the stars. It was an awesome night, and I look forward to more hikes and adventures with him.

Tuesday… there was no Leads appointment this week. That is next week.

I went to the New School of Colour, and guess what?!! I finished my oil painting!! So yes, my art will be in Up with Art this year. Just when I thought otherwise. Things have a funny way of working out, don’t they? But I guess my name was already on the list as a confirmed artist, so I could have submitted an old piece, and still would have been in the show. However, when it comes to big exhibitions like Up with Art, or the Twitter Art Exhibit, I would much rather submit something new. So yaaaay! It’s in! Up with Art, June 20th, 2015. 6pm – 11pm at The Palace Theatre!! Tickets are $40 in advance, or $50 at the door!! And as our Fearless Leader, of the New School of Colour, would say; “Be there! Or be square!” Haha! http://www.upwithart.ca

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Anyways, this week was the last session of the New School of Colour for awhile. Our facilitator is going on vacation. So to all the artists, volunteers, and the facilitator, enjoy your break! See ya June 9th!

As for regarding all my babble about volunteers last week. A fellow artist, and former facilitator gave me an idea, and that was to co-facilitate the New School of Colour with her during the summer. During the months of July and August. Since she’ll be working, she suggested alternating between her and I. That sounds like a fabulous idea!! Anyways, she said she’d speak to the executive director of The Ark, and the facilitator of the New School of Colour. Hmm…maybe it is time for Pooks to step up so to speak. We shall see…

Within the week somewhere, a friend and I had dinner at our other friends apartment. He made us garlic and ham fettuccine alfredo. It was delish. And afterwards, of coarse, we had a couple games of dice. I am in fact the Dice Queen ya know? Haha! Just kidding. I think we all won a game each that night.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Wednesday was my sons 10th birthday. I cannot believe it’s been 10 years. No matter what, I am one very proud mama. So yeah, I hope he had an awesome birthday!

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Thursday, I got to meet a couple of my man’s friends. They were funny. Before we sat down, chilled and had a couple beers, my man surprised me with a bouquet of white roses. I was just so in awe that he thought of me while we were apart.  Anyways, while the men talked and joked around, I just giggled. They were funny together. After they left, it was dinner and movie….and some adult explicit content that I’ll keep private. Haha! But yeah, Thursday we agreed to officially be a couple in a relationship. I really like him. He really likes me, and yeah. I actually have a boyfriend. 🙂 I guess he’s had a secret crush on my since a friend of ours daughters first birthday. Thanks to that friend, and her daughter, otherwise we would have never met, and wouldn’t have kept crossing each-others paths. I mean, there was that birthday…then I’d run into him at Sunfest, then we met at Tim Hortons…then the LTC bus ( which was when I gave him my number and things kind of went forward from then on).

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

I couldn’t be happier. He truly is amazing. We have a similar taste in music. He plays bass. He can cook. He can grow plants. He can build houses. He even used to draw. He’s so talented in various areas. But I think what really drew us together was our love of being out in nature, and hiking. He’s adventurous and wild. He’s a family man. He comes from a huge family. I love the way he talks about his mother. All good things. She sounds like a wonderful woman.

Anyways, we have future plans to hike some trails, possibly go fishing, going to a baseball game, etc etc. He even plans to attend Up with Art. That is so awesome that he is going to be there to support me.

So yeah, things are good. I’m enjoying life.

Today I handed in my painting at the Unity Project. So everything is all good for Up with Art. I even went shopping for my sons birthday gift, as I will be seeing my children again tomorrow.

Anyways, I think that is all I will write today. Thank you for reading! – Pooks

“I have found that if you love life, life will love you back.”- Arthur Rubinstein

Ignite

This blog post is a day late but that’s okay. I put my blog aside to paint last night, and I didn’t want to put my painting down until it was complete.  Which wasn’t until 2am in the morning.

It was originally going to be a cubism painting, but the more I got into it, the more it altered. Making the subject in the foreground cubist, and as the image as a whole trails off to the window in the background, the cubism fades.

I find a lot more thought was put into this, such as alignment, placement of colour, rhythm, balance, contrast (opposites) to little details such as leaving the floor flat. I decided not to shade it, and leave it flat as floor. Haha!

Anyways, it’s an 8X10 inches acrylic painting of a pole dancer in a studio or something. Why a pole dancer? I don’t know. Maybe I’m touching base on that femininity, and sexuality topic again that us women often get called a “tramp” for. We should be allowed to celebrate and be proud of our femininity and sexuality because we too are beautiful. So yes, it’s an empowering women kind of image.

Pole dancing, and burlesque are forms of art, just like every other dance form. I respect it. I think it is beautiful. There is something about a person that is not afraid to dance, their inner spirit seems more free I find. They are not intimidated by humility, or what others think. I love that about dancing.

Newho, the art piece! I haven’t titled it yet. I really have been slacking when it comes to giving my work titles. But whatever. Voila!

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Anyways, onto other things….and other art, which I will get to later. As you can see I am in better spirits compared to what I was these past two weeks. Art is magical that way. That and my visits with my children are back into a scheduled routine. Yaaay! I did see them this past weekend, and I’ll see them again this coming weekend.

Which reminds me, I took them to their first opening art reception which was held at The Root Cellar. It was the facilitator of the New School of Colour’s solo exhibit. He supports me so much over the years, it only makes sense to return the favor. Plus it gave my daughter a chance to try out her new camera at an actual event. She loved it. My son didn’t quite understand it, he’s not into the arts. I took some photo’s myself, although I think I missed one art piece. There was a crowd of people in front of it, so I didn’t get to capture that one. Anyways, we had fun. Jeremy treated my kids to hot chocolate, and me to a coffee. My kids think The Root Cellar has the best hot chocolate they ever had.

Art by Jeremy Jeresky. Photo taken by Pooks.

Art by Jeremy Jeresky. Photo taken by Pooks.

So anyways, yaaay, muh babies have returned, and our crazy adventures together can continue!

As for the other things that upset me for two weeks, the end of a friendship, and the Idle No More episode. Yeah, over it. I vented, I got it out in every way, shape and form. For example, creating art with a mallet. That was very therapeutic. An end of a friendship is kind of like mourning a death. A part you you dies with that friendship. But every time something comes to an end…something else begins…

I turned to my art. I recall someone saying that art is like a muscle, it needs to be constant in order to improve, or get better. Kind of like when I told my daughter if she keeps practicing drawing, she will get better. She didn’t believe me at first, but she’s learning fast. There was a time I used to have to draw a dotted line to guide her when it comes to drawing hearts. Now, she’s a pro! Not only that, but she’s moved up from drawing stick figures, to breaking the body down into shapes. 😉 Anyways, she practices at home a lot, and I get a stack of drawings for gifts. It’s awesome. The point is, I looked at myself, do I put enough time and effort into my own art? No. I didn’t feel like I was growing, I was more or less stuck. Sticking to what was familiar to me, and not really challenging myself. A stagnant artist recycling the same ideas over and over. Whether others can see that or not, I don’t know. But I think it’s time to grow.

So I decided that I am going to put more time into my art. To my surprise, that idea is being encouraged. Yes, the encouragement came as a surprise because I normally get told that I’m being “unrealistic”. No, unrealistic is an artist trying to be something they are not. Not only does my Leads worker support this, but also Jeremy Jeresky. He asked about my schooling, I told him that I am taking a year off to focus on my “mental health”. Which he then said…” About that…” then told me the news that he’s going to try to open up another New School of Colour session during the week. So not only on Mondays, but also on a Wednesday. And instead of having it in the evening, it will be during the day. How awesome is that?! More studio time! Yaaay!!

Speaking of my mental health, during my last appointment at Leads, we skipped past the rest of the empathy section in our module. It is clear that that is not something that needs work. I have plenty empathy. Too much empathy in fact. I don’t think there was anything in that module regarding controlling too much empathy. So we moved onto body language, and criticism. That was interesting. I know I don’t handle criticism very well. I take things too personally. Everything just jabs me in the heart 😦 I’m so sensitive. But we also looked at destructive and constructive criticism, so hopefully that will help me decipher between the two more better.

In the future, we plan to replace my time management module with goal setting and planning. Yeah, I guess someone as spontaneous as I that just wings it, and has no plan, should learn to plan. Although I find a lot of the time planning leads to expectations, and expectations lead to disappointment. A lot of unnecessary stress. But I guess I can give it a whirl. Attempting to follow a line. Society and their lines, they sure do love their lines. Haha! But yes, goals. Goals. Do I really have any goals? I don’t really think I do. Or they’re unclear. I might write another book. Maybe one day have a solo art show of my own, I don’t know. The goal is the message. The message is my perspective and observations, what I create and leave behind. Therefore it is an ongoing process, and will not be complete until I am dead. That is the long term goal. Short term..hmm…

Thinking about school, job searching, “mental health.” Even in regards to my family situation. I get it. As a non- conformist not only will I ever fit in, but I am a threat to the whole damn system. Haha! I could change things. That would be scary to people that are so used to routine, structure, labels, and imaginary lines. Everyone is supposed to think the same, do the same, obey without questioning. Follow the line. I’ve always been this way. Always felt this way. I wonder. I wander. It’s not going to change. So, why was an artist trying to get into retail? I’m not the sales clerk. I’m the artist. I suddenly recall watching a video of Corey Taylor giving a speech at a University, and his words just ring to me; “Do what you’re good at.”

So yes, I am putting a lot more time and passion into my art. Matter of fact, after I left my last Leads appointment. I mailed off a small post card sized painting to Norway to be a part of the #TwitterArtExhibit . I love these opportunities where my art can contribute and help others in a way through fundraisers. Not only do I get to feel proud for pitching in, but it gives my art a deeper purpose that can actually help others, even just a little.

This will be my second time participating. This year the fundraiser will be benefiting Home-Start Moss, a non-profit organization helping families in need. That’s absolutely awesome!!

The following image is what I had submitted, and it’s currently on it’s way to Norway!! Yaaaay! My art is traveling!!

"Insubordinate" Acrylic 16X12cm  painting by Pooks. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

“Insubordinate” Acrylic 16X12cm painting by Pooks. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

I haven’t completely kicked my activism to the curb. I still think it is important to learn what you can. I mean, why let 3-5 punks from Idle No More stop me? I mean, one did try to send me a private message online. An attempt to taunt me some more. I checked his profile. Turns out he’s a total bitch boy fuckin working at the registrar for a government office. Freakin call me the separatist? How do I know he’s not a separatist? Huh? Freakin call yourself Idle No More with a job like that?! That’s a disgrace and insulting to what Idle No More stands for. If he were really Idle No More, he’d quit. Newho, I messaged back, he seen it, and of coarse was too chicken shit to respond back without his little posse. Figures.

I have The Black Flag Anarchist School, and the L&R Study group to thank for sparking my inner activist flame again. I feel inspired and ready to dive back in. I’m not sure what an artist like me can do with what I learn and absorb from these groups, we shall see. In the mean time, I look forward to just learning as much as I can.

It was my first time attending both this week. Anyways, at The Black Flag Anarchist School, it was an art class session that intrigued me. When I got there, another opportunity presented itself. The art we were creating was for The Prisoner Justice Film Festival. I got to challenge my skills to a theme, and I gave myself less then an hour to complete it. The following image is what will be submitted.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

At the Love & Rage Study group, we were going over material called “What is Class Struggle Anarchism?” by Wayne Price, and discussing the various class struggles and Capitalism. Well, I did more listening then talking. Still not quite comfortable using my voice. Speaking, and reading in front of crowds scares me. Using my voice scares me. I believe I’ve mentioned that long ago. It is a bizarre fear, the result of abuse. Hence, the art and the writing is my voice. Enough about that… the study group. I found it to be very inspiring, and I’ll likely return to a future session.

Speaking of anarchism, and activism. That reminded me of another 12X16cm painting I did, based on something I once said, or tweeted. Something along the lines as; “Politicians are a waste of paint. Immortalize an activist.” I remembered saying that, and decided to do it. So I did a small painting of The Indignants; Bailey Lamon.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

So yes, I guess you can say I’ve been extremely creative lately, and letting my love for art lead the way…with some assistance.

Ugh! Now it’s past midnight, and my blog post is 2 days late now! 😦 I tried. I really really tried. I don’t know, I was struggling with glitches earlier. Pictures wouldn’t upload, drafts wouldn’t save…. it was a glitchy struggle just to get this far. Thanks for your patience if you’ve been waiting.

Newho, I think things are taking an interesting turn. Life should be an adventure, and I think mine certainly is. – Pooks

“Create with your heart. Build with your mind.”

– Criss Jami

Make it an Adventure

Tuesday..Wednesday…you never really know when I’ll post, just that it’s within those 2 days. Sometimes more than once a week depending if there is a lot on my mind. Anywho, carrying on.

Last Thursday I went to my Leads appointment. I arrived late. I wasn’t really feeling the motivation. I even picked up a Monster Rehab energy drink for the extra boost just to get me there. Anyways, umm.. I think my worker noticed that I was kinda off, not quite myself. I admitted that things have been kinda shaky lately. So she asked about it, and I talked about it. The whole having my access with my kids being cut off, and my ex playing with my access like a yo-yo to power-trip me.

I appreciate that she let me speak of my own personal problems. She was very understanding, and offered to let me go early that day. She said that we didn’t have to do our exercise booklet work that day, but I insisted we go ahead with it. Ya know? That’s what I’m there for. That way I’m not just going there and not doing what I’m supposed to be doing, according to Ontario Works. It’s one of those mandatory things.

I don’t know. I guess I just really appreciated having someone put other things aside to listen to what I had to say. It rarely happens, where I open up and speak of myself for a change in person. I’m usually the person that listens, and encourages others to speak of themselves. I just don’t want to burden others, so a lot of things get bottled up waiting for ways to seep to the surface. Normally in a manner, through my writing and art.

When my appointment ended, my worker was concerned for me. She was asking if I was going to be all right. I told her not to worry, I’ve been going through this kind of thing for a long time. More than she knows. I always get by.

“Stay positive”. Those were the words we parted with.

Instead of taking the bus home, I walked and let myself cry. But enough of that.

As I think back on things discussed, such as having Merrymount involved again. When and if that will happen. Having a third party could turn out to be a positive after-all. My ex won’t be able to use our children to power-trip me if they’re involved. So there could be a bit of security there.

I think it’s obvious, there is no trust between my ex and I. And it’s pretty apparent that neither of us really like the other. I think my reasons are fairly logical. His reasons? Lies that he tells himself, and convinces himself that they are true. As I said before, he see’s me as a completely different person that I am not.

Although, on Halloween, I must admit, I completely let go for a night. But we’ll touch base on that later. Halloween, it is my favorite holiday, and if I wasn’t going to be with my kids, I was determined to have a blast.

I was going to attend a rally that was being held at Victoria Park called the Ongoing Action Against Harper’s latest War, but I didn’t make it. Apparently getting dolled up as a pilot for the evening took longer than I had presumed. Plus, I didn’t really have a sign prepared.

It was cold that day. I knew I was gonna freeze my ass off in that little dress. But I convinced myself that the discomfort was only going to be temporary. One evening. One night.

So my first stop was at Tim Horton’s to pick up my caffeine fix, an XXL Mocha. From there, I went walking down Dundas Street searching for two friends that said they were going to be out giving candy. I didn’t see them. So I had decided that maybe I should eat, and I went to The Ark. Sure enough, the friends that I had been seeking earlier had showed up all dressed in costumes. That was awesome. We chilled, clowned around and had dinner and then parted ways afterwards. They went one way, I went the other, and headed to the East Village Coffee House for a coffee. It’s been awhile since I had their coffee. My fave coffee in all of London, Ontario. It seemed kinda quiet, so I picked up and moved on.

My next stop was the St. Regis Tavern. I sat down with a couple of guys that were playing that night. They played 60’s, 70’s rock music. Anyway, they were cool. I was gonna sit by myself, but they invited me over. So I chilled with them for a bit, cheered them on when they played, and had a couple of beers. It wasn’t that busy there, everyone was packing up and leaving early. So yeah, onto my next destination.

I was thinking about going to Call the Office. I’ve never been there before. But on my way there, I was drawn elsewhere. I saw people standing outside all dressed up in costumes, and I heard music that was more my taste. So I entered The APK and was greeted by a guy dressed up as a Doctor, Dr. Lube. Haha!

I was kinda quiet and timid at first. I just sat on the bar stool and observed my surroundings. Everyone there was dressed in costumes. I loved it. I probably had 2- 3 more beers, plus a vodka and coke, plus a shot of scotch, then the giggling jester from within emerged…

It was a crazy night, filled with funny conversations. Jesus was a Furh. I don’t know. Don’t ask. I saw it on someones t-shirt and was laughing hysterically over it. I head banged to Metallica with a dude named Vincent. I danced with someone from the Red Lake area, and I left with a knight.

To sum up the evening without getting into too much detail, there was drinking, dancing, and yes, fucking.

The following day, the plan was to go face my fear and hop in a plane with this knight. Turns out the knight has a pilot license. But I kinda chickened out on that idea. Plus I was hung over, and yeah. A hang over plus a fear of heights together is probably not a good idea. Knowing me, I would get sick. So change of plans, we went to see John Wick at a theatre. Which turned out better than I thought it would.

I was given this guys number, but have not called back. Honestly, I got a little spooked because I know I didn’t give him my number and he texted me shortly after dropping me off at home. So how did he get my number?

I really don’t foresee a serious relationship in the future. Plus, my intentions for that night was just random sex. I do that sometimes. I haven’t had sex for a good 3 years. So I figured, it was about time. Why not? It’s Halloween. Have fun. By all means, “sin”. Not only that, but I feel rather hesitant to drag anyone else into my world. The temporary escape was nice though. I just feel like noone will understand, or relate. I just don’t think I can connect with people that way. That’s alienation for ya. Welcome to my life.

So needless to say, I did have a good Halloween. I met some interesting people, made new friends, and as a bonus I got pooned.

Sunday, I was mostly resting. I was in and out of sleep.

Monday… the New School of Colour, obviously. Which I got a lovely surprise when I arrived. Turns out, the New School of Colour was submitting artwork into an upcoming art exhibit, and I showed up right when they were submitting my work. Good timing. So that is pretty exciting. I’ll have 3 pieces in the art show. I guess I should probably give more detail on that. Umm… The art show is called “The Healing Palette”. It’s the 9th Annual Art Exhibition, and it takes place in St. Thomas. At the St. Thomas Elgin Hospital, in the atrium, 189 Elm Street to be exact. The opening gala is November 7th. The show runs from November 7th – the 24th. Note, that it isn’t just my work in the show, other amazingly talented artists from the New School of Colour will have their art in the show as well. So if you are in the London, or St. Thomas area, go check that out.

This evening I was finishing up my jester with the oozing eyes painting. Painting the rims of the canvas black. Next week I will be able to glaze it when the paint is dry. I started a new painting, on a slightly bigger canvas. That’s cool. Instead of diving right in and painting, I sketched something out on the canvas first. Just to kinda give myself guidelines to follow for an idea. I took a picture of it, and already I can see where it could use some improvement. Haha! Gotta love it when that happens. Jot that down mentally on my to-do list. I’m sure I will be reminded when I sit back down in front of it anyways.

Other than that, it’s 6:37am, Tuesday morning. Hopefully I can make today productive. I want to get a hold of Merrymount. I missed their call last Thursday. They didn’t leave a message. So I don’t know. Maybe they will tell me whether my ex had contacted them yet or not. If not, I’ll contact N’Amerind and book an appointment to talk to one of their court workers, and see if they can help me enforce the court order regarding my access.

I also have to get a hold of the Salvation Army again to help me pay off another debt. Apparently it was the City of London that chopped down my forest of a backyard, and now I got a lovely bill to pay. A little over $200. Still more than I can afford. Especially after my crazy Halloween. But no regrets. I may struggle a bit this month financially, but I am resourceful. I’ll find a way to keep my boat afloat.

So yeah, stuff needs to get done. Sleep is out of the question if I want to get those things done. Otherwise I will be out cold, and miss out on the business hours, and yeah, there goes my opportunity to do so.

Oh, the Million Mask March takes place on Wednesday. I encourage all those who are with Idle No More, all those with Occupy, or Anonymous to go. This is your chance to unite as one, because we all fight the same fight. Fuck the Capitalists! – Pooks

“Spontaneous insanity is the real bliss! It’s sad that we are honored for playing sane, serious, safe, miserable and controlling in this poor world.” – Saurabh Sharma

Long Road to Recovery

First off, I would like to apologize for this post being late. If you haven’t noticed, I normally try to post something every Tuesday. I try to make that my blog day. But unfortunately, I am still recovering from food poisoning. So majority of the time I’m in bed, in pain, or running to the washroom. I feel okay as in this very moment, fingers crossed. There have been a number of times I thought I was getting better and my stomach proved me otherwise. It has been 5 days now, which it’s supposed to go away by then. I don’t think that Pepto Bismol was a good idea. I think it just prolonged my recovery. But damn it! I’m just trying to nurse myself back to health. As in this very moment, I am okay. I have my bottle of water, plenty more in the fridge, and my diet has been rather bland lately.

My Birthday was on Monday, so thanks to all those fabulous peeps that wished me a happy birthday. Although I did not celebrate it the way I had planned. I was supposed to have a visit with my kids this past weekend, and I was going to bake a cake and celebrate it with my babies the day before. Obviously that didn’t happen because I was sick.

My ex seems a bit impatient with my recovery. It seems like since I couldn’t take the kids home this past weekend, he’s been calling everyday, asking if I am better yet. Still the same, still the same. Kinda inconsiderate that way. I get rushed to recover, but did I ever do that to him? No. I let him sleep, or whatever.

Then again, he’s probably got our daughter bugging him about missing mommy, because mommy actually gets down on the floor and plays with her. My ex has it in his head that it’s not his job to entertain the kids, so their kinda left to their own devices. Often my daughter gets bored, she wants someone to play with.

Anyway, I got to talk to my daughter on the phone on my birthday. I wasn’t impressed to what I had heard. Our daughter’s favorite colour was purple, apparently that isn’t anymore because it is “gay”. I guess Daddy’s homophobia is being passed on to our kids. He’s teaching them to hate. I know he’s had a traumatic experience that get’s him think that gay people are pedophiles. Not all gay people are pedophiles. I happen to be friends with many gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, and duo-gender personality types. Not to mention, I enjoyed  interviewing a drag queen on Twitter, not that long ago. The diva that loves the tutu’s. So adorable.

Another thing that kinda annoyed me, was when I was visiting on Thursday, I was talking about this woman I respect, and my ex goes; “This isn’t gonna be a lesbian thing, is it?” So if I talk about inspirational women that are actually trying to get shit done within this fucked up world, it gets assumed as a lesbian thing? ERRRR!!! Annoying! Dude you got issues!

Some things he does just gets right under my skin, and ERRR!!! What the heck is wrong with you?! Although, he is letting me see our children more. That’s cool. I mean, visits normally don’t land on a Thursday, that was the day we decided he could pay me back the $40 I lent him. Which he paid back, and we planned to have a family dinner that day and treat our kids to Chester’s chicken.

It turned out well, although our daughter would not go to sleep. I mean, it was 3am, she was still awake, my ex and son were fast asleep. Since I was getting tired, and I still had to walk home, I brought her upstairs and sent her to bed. My daughter and son worry about walking home alone at night. I keep trying to reassure them that I will be fine. I’ve walked outside at night numerous times. I think they keep trying to get me to sleep over, but no, that’s not happening. I have my own home, and own bed to sleep in.

I got to see an amazing sunrise on the way home though. That was cool. 

I wish I could say I did something exciting on my birthday, but nope. I was home, recuperating. I did make it to the New School of Colour for a little bit, and started on a new painting. But then it was back home to recuperating. I was testing my health, and wasn’t that much better as I thought I was.

I didn’t make it out to The Bog like I wanted for my birthday, but that’s okay. Maybe next year.

Other than that, I’ve only gone outdoors to pick up Pepto Bismol, bread, banana’s and toilet paper. I read on a site that you’re supposed to limit your activity , and get lots of rest when it comes to food poisoning. I’m not sure what food did it, or beverage. We all had the same thing on Thursday, and my ex and our kids are fine. Other than that, I had black coffee, and a Java Monster. Unless it was the Ark food on Wednesday, but everyone that ate the same thing that day seems fine. It would really be ironic, and seriously suck, if it was the coffee that did this to me. I do love my coffee. It could have been anything. Even dishes or utensils that weren’t washed properly, contaminated in bacteria. So it’s hard to narrow it down to precisely what caused this nuisance, and where it may have occurred.

I have been avoiding my friend with cancer. After visiting her for almost an entire week that one week. I can’t be around the same people everyday. And quite honestly, it just doesn’t feel very productive. While I’m there, I sit there and watch her in her chair. If she’s not in her chair, I sit there and watch her sleep. It kinda gets boring, depressing, and of coarse I have nothing to talk about if I’m visiting everyday. It’s like, I just saw you yesterday, there isn’t much to talk about. Nothing new. Not to mention, I’m more of a listener, not a talker. And well, she wants me to talk. Chores at home don’t get done if I’m at her place every day, minus the weekend when I see my kids. Then when my ex comes to pick the kids up, and he’s disappointed because my house is a mess. Well fuck me sideways!! Can’t please everyone.

I’ve been attempting to get some chores done, such as dishes, but like I said, I cannot be too active with food poisoning, so cleaning this week, is at a very slow pace.

I wish I had better material to write about besides my stomach. But that’s majority of my week right there, the joys of food poisoning.

The sooner I get better, the sooner I see my kids again. Let’s hope this doesn’t last too much longer. Otherwise I will be making a trip to the hospital.  – Pooks

“Just like there’s always time for pain, there’s always time for healing.”- Jennifer Brown

Love, Sex, and Coffee

I guess as I take a break from studying, I can write up a post. I’m sure the title of this post has caught your attention. Haha! So here it goes…on with the blog!

Last Saturday I actually got to bring my children home for a visit. That was awesome. Although challenging when it comes to entertainment. I don’t want them staring at a screen all day. I don’t have cable, satellite, or any video game systems. Just my computer. As for toys, I have their old stuff, which they aren’t really interested in much.  My son out grew his Spiderman phase. We watched Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2, played hide n seek, I helped my daughter with a puzzle, they threw some punches at a small punching bag, and played with an acoustic guitar. Maybe next time I will break out the paint, and we could give something we used to do when they were younger and create something together. I like to try to encourage them to use their imaginations. I know my son likes building things, and I do have some cardboard boxes stored away. So maybe I can get him to help me build a fort or something. So rather than all these games having to do with zombies, death and destruction (which are video-game inspired), why not encourage the opposite, which is being constructive and creating? There’s a brilliant idea! Well done Pooks! Muy bueno! I just came up with 2 creative ideas, a painting project, and building a fort. I have plans set for this upcoming Saturday!

As I mentioned earlier, I am studying. I have an exam Friday morning, but I also have an art exhibition, along with other members of the New School of Colour at Western University called Westerns got Talent. That’s pretty exciting. Apparently one of my paintings is already there on display, but it will be added to the show. Along with another art piece I’ve done. So I’ll have 2 art pieces in the exhibition. The show is a fundraiser for the New School of Colour, so  that we can continue to do what we love to do, create art. It will be at 7pm in the Mustang Lounge at the University. So that’s pretty cool.

I guess we have a number of shows we’re preparing for, that being one. Up with Art 2014, being another. Cross my fingers and hope I can get something completed in time. I think I have an outfit picked out already, all I need now is a completed art piece. Haha!

What else? I did go on a coffee date with a man. That’s all I’m saying about that. It’s a shocker considering I have quite the record over these last 3 years of shooting men down. But I figured it must have taken a lot of courage to ask me in the first place, so reward that effort with my presence. I admire the courage, wither or not it goes anywhere from there or not. If anything, I made a new friend. It’s way too soon to say it’s anything else. I’m not nose diving into shit, and I’m in no rush.

It seems like a couple of my friends are trying to set me up with their friends or family. But ultimately, it is I who has that choice.

I’d like to think I’m pretty independent, it’s not like I NEED a man in my life to feel complete. Plus, I like my space. And if I were to be dating someone, they’d have to be able to respect that. I’m not a needy person  that needs to have someone around 24/7. Honestly, I think too much time with someone tends to drive me nuts to the point I get annoyed, irritated, and if it’s constant, then I get resentful. I’ll get sick of looking at your face. Haha! Harsh, but it’s true. So yeah, space is very important to me. My alone time, where I can be trusted to do whatever the fuck I want, which is normally to be creative in one form or another, wither it be writing, or art. Not that I can’t create with others around, I obviously can. I mean, I do so at school and at the New School of Colour. But on my own, it is more personal, it’s more like my time to meditate in a way, or reflect. I cherish those moments. Just spending time with myself. I mean, it could even be one of those long ass walks I go for, taking pictures of whatever catches my eye. Or not even taking pictures during a walk, just walking under the moon. Sure having company would be entertaining, but not as peaceful as when I go out alone. It feels like a spiritual thing. Ya know? Like it’s nurturing my spirit or something.

Besides, I think a partner would need to require a lot of patience considering I have a long history of abuse. They would need to understand that I am trying to break a cycle, that I don’t really know a relationship without it, and it’s an ongoing learning process trying to unlearn the way I was raised, besides the friendships I’ve made over the last 3 years. Although those relationships aren’t really as intimate. Not only that, but I go through minor waves of depression from time to time, and I’m a worry wart that experiences anxiety and the odd panic attack. Not to mention, during my moon time I become so emotional, the stupidest things make me cry. I normally like to be alone on my moon time, especially the first 2 days,  because if I’m not crying, than I’m a raging lunatic.

Now if that doesn’t scare some people away, I don’t what will. Haha! I swear, sometimes I deliberately go out of my way to try to turn people off. Such as wearing a skirt, with a mustache painted on my face. Dressing more masculine, not showing my figure, to cutting all my hair off. So on and so forth. I don’t know. Sometimes I get a kick out of the reaction of others. Perhaps I just love to shock people just for the hell of it. But that’s just the artist in me, playing. Society becomes my playground, and I mess with your everyday perspectives of what is considered the norm.

But then again, maybe I am attempting to turn myself into art just like Marilyn Manson, and David Bowie (and his various personas). Something about that intrigues me. They not only create art, they are the art. Fascinating.

That’s another thing. A partner will have to be able to handle humility, and possible embarrassment, because I will feel compelled to do the most outrageous random things. For example, the last guy I was seeing, I invited him out for coffee with friends and I smeared whipped cream on my face as lipstick. Perhaps that was too embarrassing for him in public, because he cut contact with me afterward. So maybe he was a bit too serious, and uptight for me. I need someone fun, and adventurous. Someone I can clown around with. I can be playful sometimes, maybe I just need a playmate. That’s in the non-perverted sense. Any immediate perversion get’s kicked to the curb real fast, that’s just rude. Have some respect. I’m a lady, remember? I didn’t give myself that label, you did. Plus, you’d have to be pretty damn special  to get my mojo goin’ again. I’ve been pretty turned off from sex for a long time. I don’t like to be constantly harassed for it, that’s a major turn off.

Anyway, enough about that. I volunteered last night, some University students had an exhibition at The Arts Project. As a floater I hung coats, greeted and counted guests, made sure the trash didn’t over flow, etc etc. It was good to be back after my break away, now that I have a better idea of my schedule with my children.

Ooh! Another thing, I visited a good friend and her daughter for coffee and tea. That was an awesome night. I made friends with Kiera, the dog. She’s 1 year old, and quite clumsy and funny. I got my face covered in doggy slobber. That’s cool, that animals are comfortable around me.

I’m not even scared of the dog that lives around the corner and down the street from me anymore. I used to walk on the other side of the street to avoid it. But the owner had me and their dog meet, and I got to pet it, and since then, if it is loose it comes up to me wagging it’s tail all happy and whatnot, and I’m no longer scared of it. I just reach my hand out as I pass by, and it just gives my hand a good sniff. You may pass! Haha! That’s what it seems like sometimes.

Anywho, I think this post is long enough. I got to return to my studying. I kind of just typed about whatever, but yeah. That’s kind of how my mind works. It’s all over the place. Hope you enjoyed, that’s it til next time! I’m off to brew more coffee and hit the books. – Pooks

“Respect yourself and others will respect you.” – Confucius

Overlapping Layers of Shame (Part 2)

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I knew it. Regarding my last post, and a poster I created for the Slut Walk 2013, I would get ignorant rude remarks in return.

Earlier on Facebook, a guy that I met through a friend, that basically just wants to get me in bed. Which is so not happening. Especially not after today. Not that he had a chance to begin with, the feeling is not mutual. Ya know? I really don’t want to be involved with another pot-head, and whatever other drugs he does. I got enough shit to deal with, I don’t need to be taking on more immature bullshit. Plus, I don’t go out with younger men. I prefer them to be older than I.

There was only one guy I let that rule slide with, and that was with a best-friend I lost touch with years ago. He was a couple months younger than me. Not years!

So I posted an image of the poster I created last night for the London Solidarity Slut Walk. And I think this guy creeps around my facebook and blog, so yeah. He more than likely read my last post. Anyway, I tagged the image for my Facebook page, which he thought was just hilarious. Laughing at the name of it: Pooks, the Alien Goddess.  Yeah, I feel like an alien most of the time. Not really fitting in anywhere. So that is where that comes from. The Goddess part comes from the Pablo Picasso quote: “There are only two types of women – goddesses and doormats.”  A doormat is passive pushover. I use to be like that at one point, but not anymore.

Anyway, the comments that took place below my posted picture of my Slut Walk  poster…

Guy: King pooky

Pooks82: I was born a King yo! 😛 Lol

Guy: I like that alien princess

Guy: LLOL

Pooks82: Yeah, I’m an alien, and many other things. A maggot, A shadow Soldier, A Rainbow Ninja, a Young Grasshopper, a Tinkerbell Samurai, and so on and so forth.

Guy: Yes many names they call this.one

Pooks82: The force is strong in this one. Bwahahaha!! LOL

Guy: They also call her bitch slit whore and rebel walker without a cause

Guy: Darkside of the force

Pooks82: A rebel, yes. But the other names? Do you really wanna go there? You’re walking a fine line at the moment. Choose your words wisely.

Guy: LOL no no

Guy: jk

Pooks82: So be it. I am also known for being intolerant.   😉 BYE!

Kicked to the curb he goes! I do not tolerate disrespect, nor do I find ridiculing and belittling funny. That’s some sick twisted fucked up humor, and I’m not laughing. An apology would have been more appreciated, than saying it’s a joke. No, insults, name – calling, that is not a joke. I don’t tolerate it from anyone. Not even my own son. Although my son, I am more forgiving towards, because look who he learns from; My ex. And as his mother, I still have a chance to teach him about bullying and verbal abuse.

Yeah, I’ve been called many slandering names in the past. I never rubbed his past about being a drug addict in his face! Supposedly with Teen Challenge, and found Christ, yet still doing drugs. Rrright!! Trying to impress me with stupidity about almost getting into a scrap with someone like that is so manly. Umm.. no. The men with balls are out there supporting the women and children, fighting for them.  They are at One Billion Rising, and events like the Slut Walk. They are the ones that actually respect women, and try to make a difference for their families and the future. Those kind of battles are more worthy, than a pointless scrap on the street.

So yeah, I’ve been slightly ticked off today. But not surprised. Considering what my last blog post was about, I was kind of expecting an ignorant smart ass to come along. Voila! One did.

So what if I am not so easy to get into bed?! This guy was so disappointed by that. It is my choice. My body. My rules. A man worth my time will accept and respect that. If I don’t feel like it, I don’t feel like it. It doesn’t make me a slut.

And yeah, I had a past where I picked up hookers, and had a threesome. Point is, it is in the past. Who I was then, is not who I am now. Back then I did not respect, love, or value myself. These days are a lot different.

I guess who I am now gets often called a bitch or a lesbian, because I say “no.” Some men just cannot handle rejection. Tough shit.

I admit, when it comes to sex, during the act of sex, it is hard for me to remain focused without remembering some old guy on top of me saying: “You like that huh? You dirty bitch! ” Or shit like that. Staying present without some kind of fucked up flashback. Yeah, I got issues.

My ex constantly needing it and harassing me for it didn’t help. After awhile I found myself thinking: “Just get it over with.” Anything remotely special about it was gone. Plus there was a time, I remember having sex with him, I was all happy and perky for a change. We went out for a smoke afterward, and he said something rude and degrading. I cannot remember exactly what he said. But I remember that transition between feeling happy, to feeling regret and kind of disgusted. I wished I could have taken that moment back, because he didn’t deserve it.

So the next guy, if there will ever be a next guy, will have to be real freakin patient and understanding. Also prove to me that he is nothing like any of those bad experiences. So yeah, if a guy is truly interested, he will understand that it will take time for me to be able to fully trust, let alone give my body. I see my body as a gift, it should be treated that way. Something I have the choice to give or not.

A year ago, I did sleep with a man who I thought was worthy. But then he turns around and ignores me. I guess he got what he wanted. Oh wait, he was complaining about his back. He said the doctors said it was depression. Then he just cut me off.  Not a word. If I’m what is making that person so depressed, then it’s a good thing we went separate ways.  I don’t believe that is what I do. In public, I am always laughing. I put my own struggles aside, to try to cheer someone else up. I make a fool of myself just for the sake of others laughter. I don’t see what is so depressing about that. Yeah, I have sleeping problems ,  I’m on financial assistance, and I’m not the most organized person, I struggle. If you are going to judge me for that, two words; fuck you!

So I am being even more cautious about my pace. If that is a problem for someone, their not worth it. Simple as that. There is nothing wrong with respecting myself, and treating my body the way it should be. It is my gift to give. Not something that can be taken for granted and just treated as if it were free for the taking. – Pooks

“If you want to be respected by others, the great thing is to respect yourself. Only by that, only by self-respect will you compel others to respect you.”- Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Overlapping Layers of Shame

Well I got accepted into U.W.O, and I am starting to feel the pressure. Starting to worry.

Not only that, my last blog was like my own personal slap in the face of realization of my own demons. So I have been a bit down about that. Hence, being nocturnal for over a week.  But that is not what I am going to write about today.

I figure since the Solidarity Slut Walk is coming up here in London, Ontario. It takes place this weekend at Victoria Park. The slut walk is basically a march/ protest to end victim blaming and sex shaming for all bodies. So this post will be about a topic that is…well…shamed upon; sex. I know, that’s pretty shocking coming from someone so elusive as myself.

I’m sure my ex is laughing right now, saying; yeah right, elusive. He believes wholeheartedly that I am a slut, or a whore. Well, the only reason he thinks that, and spreads such rumors is because he got denied. A case of blue balls. I do not understand why men do that, not all men. But some men are seriously immature. Just because a women isn’t easy, doesn’t make her a slut. That doesn’t make any freakin sense!

Plus, I wasn’t the one banging someone else a week before our son was born.  I’m pretty sure there were other women too. So perhaps the name calling is guilt. Whose the real slut here?

Oh wait, before we had kids. My birthday of 2004, he was all sketching out at a grocery store. I got fed up with his behavior, he was acting like a junkie! He was wrecking my birthday. So hell yeah, I ditched him. If he can’t give me a good birthday, then I will. Which I did. I went home and masturbated. The creep that he is, peeked through my mail slot, only seeing my feet. He’s accused me of cheating since, and I’ve been called names and disrespected since. Yeah, I was fingering myself. It was a lot better than having my day wrecked by a complete sketch bag that believed the C.I.A was after him.

Anyway, my sex life. It’s no wonder I am the way I am. I shoot down a lot of men. The moment they so much as bring up sex I shoot them down. I get turned off. I am more attracted to intelligence, and kindness. I don’t want a man that see’s me as a piece of meat, or treats me like a trophy. I am not an object, I am a person with emotions. I’m sure some men would probably accuse me of being a lesbian, or sexist. I really don’t like being constantly bugged for sex. I think it’s annoying. After awhile, it becomes a chore, and it’s only my partner that is getting off. While I’m like; Whoopideedoo! Ya know? Yeah, my sex drive has kinda died down over the years. Naturally, around my moon time, I admit I get excited. As well as kinda emotionally psycho. P.M.S tends to do that. But that is natural, my body is ovulating, and has an urge to mate. I can take care of that myself for the time being, thank you very much!

Sorry I want a man that doesn’t want me just for sex. I want someone to be able to see past their dick, with their heart, and love my soul for what it is. I also want to be able to be proud of my partner, be able to encourage and root them on. That is kind of hard to do when they are so wrapped up  and can’t give up their thief/ criminal life style.

So lets rewind here, I’m sure there is more to why I am the way I am.

Before my ex I was seeing an older man voluntarily. I had gotten out of a different abusive relationship, and was self destructive. Me and this older man would meet at a bar, and go bar hopping. He’d buy the alcohol, but then afterward; sex. I just let him do whatever. I didn’t care. The ex I left was going around calling me a slut anyway.

There was a time at a coffee shop, I couldn’t even walk with a friend and this abuser would walk right behind me putting me down. “Slut.” “You’re a skank.” “Fuckin whore.” He’s the one I just “gave a chance” to. I fell for the “Oh, you’re just being shallow” bullshit. Tip of advice; if your not interested in a guy, do not “give him a chance.” I ended up regretting that, and learning the hard way. That relationship took a lot out of my self-esteem. There’s reasons why I barely talk about that one. For instance; he was a pedophile ( I didn’t find out until after, because when I met him, he lied and said he was a student) , he held a B.B gun to my head…etc. There is a lot of traumatizing events that took place. He even killed the pit-bull that tried to protect me. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. I know one day I will have to deal with it. But for now, I just try to erase him from my memory.

Anyway, back to the older man, there even came a point where I was on the street picking up hookers for him. We’d have a threesome. I’m sure that sounds all exciting and whatnot, but it really wasn’t, the girl was high out of her face. She was like a corpse. Another time I tried to pick up a different girl, she was all for it for me, but not for the man. So he dropped her off at a bridge. I remember her looking back at me, she was worried. Begged for me to go with her, but I wouldn’t.

Does that make me a lesbian? No. So what if I’ve made out and fingered some women?! I’ve even randomly kissed girls at a bar and almost got my ass kicked by a woman’s boyfriend.

Maybe I just have a male alter ego when I drink. And maybe I use it as a shield.  The guardian protecting the lady within. I did mention in previous posts there is a bit of a duality to me. The reserved, and the “crazy”. Well perhaps the crazy side of me feels safer taking on a male like alter ego. I guess it kinda makes sense. Abusive men. Gotta protect myself somehow. As for my mom, she usually “behaved” when a man was present. Like when my dad would get home from work, hush hush, nothing happened. I don’t know, read more. It might make sense later.

Back on track here. The older man, What changed? For one thing, I met my ex. I thought he would be different. I was getting sick of being called names during sex. Called a bitch, a whore…it made me angry. In a situation where I thought I had no control over, I found out I did. This guy was all about power trips. He loved to feel dominate during sex. So when he asked if I wanted him to cum or not, I said “yes”, knowing he would do the opposite of what I say. Therefore, I realized I was in control . I picked up my clothes, and ditched him. The last time I ever saw him was the time he came to my door and he saw me at my apartment, with my now ex. His last words; “Have a good life.”

This guy had quite the fantasy. It was almost like a “Pretty Woman” fantasy. He wanted to go public. Because everything we use to do was supposedly hush hush, but very public. He pictured me in a blue and white polka dotted dress, dressed as a lady, accompanying him on the golf coarse. So he wanted me to be dressed as his “lady”, but his sex object that he can do what he will, even disrespect, behind closed doors.

Anyway, Stupid me for thinking my ex would treat me better.

But this even goes farther back. My sister hitting puberty, and getting interested in boys. I didn’t have much of that phase. And when I did, I kept it to myself.

My sister and my dad use to get along fine, before my sisters hormones kicked in. The more she got gaga for boys, the more annoyed my dad got.

I love my dad, I just wish he could have treated my sister differently. She was raped  by selfish pricks, both times I felt powerless. I remember my dad saying it was her fault. Him and my brothers would be calling her a slut behind her back. Hearing this, made me ashamed of my own sexuality. It kinda put a stigma on sex in my mind. And how I tried to gain acceptance from my mom, my abuser over the years. My sister tried to be accepted by my dad and other men. It truly hurt her, but it also effected me.

So unlike my sister, who dressed feminine and showed her figure. There is nothing wrong with that. I dressed like a boy. I even went to the extremes of a freak. My make up would be somewhat Gothic. In high-school some kids would say I was a “clown with glasses”. The way I saw it; As long as I wasn’t sexually appealing, the better.

I am still somewhat tom-boyish to this day. I would rather wear baggy clothes, then those that are tightly fitted. Even though I get called a slut and whore anyway. Whatever. So perhaps the reason I am so elusive, is because I have been through a lot of shit that has made me ashamed of my own sexuality. There! I said it!

It doesn’t matter if your promiscuous or not, you’re gonna get called a slut. It doesn’t matter if you show your figure or not, you’re gonna get called a slut. That is not fair to women,  we deserve better than to be treated like objects. A mans dildo for whenever he pleases. We are much more than that.

Women do it as well. We seem to put each-other down. There’s this stupid annoying competitiveness I always run into within groups of friends over the years. Or jealousy.  Look at my mom, she had the nerve to call me a rez whore, a false accusation. Another person I use to call my best-friend at one point, belittled me for  wearing tighter clothing for a change, and called me a hooch.  Obviously, not a very good friend at all.

But that seems to be a life of a woman, an on-going battle for respect. Even though we do the same thing to each-other. So much insecurities. Rather than putting each-other down, I think we need to give out more compliments and praise. Lift each-other up for a change.

So yeah, yay me for actually being open about sex for a change. For sharing this with you. I do have trust issues. I think you can see why.   I am ashamed of my own sexuality. More stuff for me to work on, but at least it’s not bottled up anymore.

The other good news I have is that I have an intake appointment at S.O.A.H.A.C for counseling next week. So as hard as it may be to face some things, I will have support to get me through it. Especially with this on coming transition. I’ve been on financial assistance for a decade or more, so yeah. A change like going to school is huge.

Anyway, I will be attending the Solidarity Slut Walk on Sunday. I believe it sends out a positive message.  – Pooks

“Shame should be reserved for the things we choose to do, not the circumstances that life puts on us.” – Ann Patchett