Just thought I should leave a link here of where my fabulous journey continues. As this Blog Site comes to an end…another begins…
Hope to see you there! -Pooks
Just thought I should leave a link here of where my fabulous journey continues. As this Blog Site comes to an end…another begins…
Hope to see you there! -Pooks
I guess I might as well blog today, because if I don’t, I will emotionally explode.
Anyways, I’m not well, emotionally, psychologically. I’m at a point where I think relationships suck, and the drama involved is just not worth it.
Going from no drama, to straight drama for 3 weeks in a row.
Lately it’s a continuation of when my supposed boyfriend accused me of blackmail when he was drinking. Saying that was the wrong term to use. But now he’s saying that him insisting that I ask permission to take any photos of him and post them online was the wrong term to use. Like make up your fuckin mind! Which was it?
Anyways, I found it pretty fucked up how I wasn’t allowed to post any photos of him, without his permission, yet his lady friend of his can?!! She had taken a pic of his ass, he was bent over, and that was okay. Well that just put things right into perspective. Ya know? Thanks for the wake up call, I clearly am not THAT fuckin special. This other woman gets a privilege that your supposed “queen” doesn’t. Yeah, that makes a lot of fuckin sense.
Not only that, but this fuckin woman has been getting under my skin for a while now. I used to be friends with her, but then fuckin deleted and blocked her because of her negativity. She was always bitching about something. Anyways, the only reason I had her back on my friend list was because my man asked me to unblock and re-add her, so that she can print off pics of us for him. But of coarse that was bullshit. That never happened. She just turned out to be this obsessive troll “liking” every single pic and post regarding my man. After awhile, I can kinda take a hint. She has a thing for my man. I mean, she was posting pics of him on her own timeline, 5-7 at a time. So yes, that gets annoying. Like fuck! Clearly she has no respect for this relationship. I mean, she comes up with the dinky little excuses just to get my man over to her place. This needs to be fixed. Oh that needs to be fixed. Since when is he your bitch?!
But whatever, I’m not interested in the drama. No man is worth fighting over, she can have him! The only people worth fighting for are my kids.
Which brings me to another point. My supposed man is this womans daughters god father. This is what he wrote to me this morning in a letter:
“I’m only there to help make [god childs name] life better, nothing more, nothing less, and if you’re asking me to stop being [god childs name] god father, it’s wrong on your part for being selfish. I’ll always be there for my kid, because it’s my child.”
Well then… what the fuck am I doing? Ya know? I seem to be asking myself that a lot lately. Maybe he should have moved in with his god-child and her mother!! Instead of knocking me up and moving in. All that talk about him wanting a kid. Ugggh…. I mean, he’s “already got one.” “Do you know how much that means to me?” clearly doesn’t mean shit, because he used the same exact phrase towards this cunt.
Another thing, he posted this thing on FB saying noone understands him without thinking he’s being sarcastic or an asshole. And whose the first one to jump on that?? She is. Saying “I’ve understood you for years now.” Well isn’t that sweet. Maybe they should be together if they have such an “understanding”. Again, what the fuck am I doing? Ya know? I’m just in the way.
So yeah, I want to fuckin end it all. This bullshit relationship, that probably wouldn’t even last because of all the doubts I have anyways. Such as doubting he can ever drop his dependency on alcohol for whatever excuse he comes up with; flashbacks, physical pain, for fun, to celebrate occasions, so that he’s not so “scatter-brained”, the list goes on and on. Yeah, try to tell me your not an alcoholic.
But yeah, that’s how I’m feeling. She says she has no interest in him that way, but her actions speak louder than her words. And I’m not interested in that triangular love drama bullshit.
I should’ve stayed single. There is always someone that can’t respect a relationship between 2 people, and I am not interested in that shit!
As for my child that I’m pregnant with. It was silly of me to believe this stupid fantasy, like C.A.S will let me keep a child. They will probably just take it away, or give him/her to the white father, just like my other 2.
So yep. I just keep fuckin up, making all the wrong fuckin choices. – Pooks
Tip of the day:
“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
– Laurell K. Hamilton
Since I’ve shared the news everywhere else, I might as well share the news here too. Meaning, I might be blogging more than once this week.
Newho, yesterday I had my second ultrasound, and it was to be the day to determine wither my baby is a boy or a girl. During the ultrasound I couldn’t help but giggle at my baby. Already it has a spunky personality. It was active, moving around lots, but also being stubborn. Stubborn as in not spreading it’s legs to reveal it’s sex. My man said that he or she was just being prim and proper. Lol In other words, modest. So I did not find out the sex of the baby, and it remains a mystery.
Anyways, the baby is healthy and doing well, no matter what the sex is. I was happy to hear that he, or she, is very active, because I haven’t been able to feel any kicks yet. But I’m sure I will soon. 🙂
Daddy is so proud of his baby, that he took the sheet of ultrasound pictures with him to work this morning to show off the pictures to as many people as he can. ❤ We both agree, the baby has got Daddy’s nose. Hehehe!
Apologies to anyone that was curious and anxious regarding the sex of our baby. I’m pretty sure there is one more ultrasound, but that is closer to the due date. Around the time that I will be 30 weeks pregnant. So if you are going to get our baby anything, we suggest blue, or neutral colours, for now.
Onto other things, but still regarding family. My man said he’s considering of getting himself “snipped”, because he’s happy with one baby of his own. Plus our baby will have 2 fabulous older siblings that they will get to see on weekends. And we got 3 shitzu’s that are a lot like 3 silly little children, only furry. So yeah, I guess you can say we got a decent size family as is. Not to mention, all the cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc, etc.
So yeah, what started off as my little family (My son, my daughter and I), has grown, and been accepted, and welcomed into a much larger family. I am grateful for that. It’s different, and kinda nice to have that kind of support there.
Anyways, I too think this will be my last child I give birth to. My body has already given 2 natural births without medication, or pain killers. Ya know? Hopefully, my body can handle that one more time. I’m not as young as I used to be, nor is my body. However, I think it’s cute that my daughter says things like “You’re still not old.” That’s flattering. Thank my biological genes, The Kings, for me looking younger than I am. Lol
Labour, oh how I remember. It is definitely one of those mind over matter things. Just gotta keep telling myself, the pain is temporary, when that time comes. In the meantime, I shall try to relax, and enjoy the remainder of my pregnancy.
Yes, there’s been some stressful times. It could be me just being paranoid, when it comes to my mans drinking. But, compared to his co-workers, he’s pretty responsible. Not drunk everyday, and not on getting high on chemicals. So I gotta give him credit for that. Perhaps it’s just hearing how he used to be, and the fear he could fall back into old habits. But the truth is, compared to his past, he’s cut down a lot.
He’s told me, back in the day, he used to drink excessively to suppress horrible memories. He’s told me of some of them. He’s seen a lot of death within his life time that he blames himself for. But it’s really not his fault. So yeah, every now and then these memories haunt him. I just wish there was a way that I could help him leave the past behind, and focus on the present. There’s plenty to be grateful for in the present if you just look for it.
I guess having a creative outlet helps too. I’ve seen it work for other artists with addictions. Art has even helped me through some dark times, and depression. So I guess he just needs to re-connect with his creative outlet, and I believe that was music. The problem is, since he works so much, it’s finding the time. It’s kinda sad he’s not more connected to his passion.
I’m not saying he has an addiction, I’m saying he needs another, healthier way to cope with these memories rather than turning to drugs and alcohol. Not exactly chemicals, but marijuana. However, I’d rather him smoke marijuana than touch man-made chemicals. If that makes any sense. I mean, even alcohol is man-made. It has been the death of many members of my biological family.
And perhaps when he drinks while I’m pregnant bothers me because of my own personal domestic violent experience. My ex was all fucked up that morning, either hung over or coming down off some sort of high, when the assault occurred. At least that’s the impression he gave off. More moody than usual. So yeah, when I’m sober around someone that has been drinking, I get a bit on edge. I freak out internally thinking I’m in danger.
Another thing, men don’t seem to understand that when a woman is pregnant, the baby feels everything the mother feels emotionally. So why would you want to put her through any stress and anxiety in the first place? And above all, repeat that shit over and over. It’s getting to that point where if my man wants to drink, do it else where kind of thing. Not around me, my children, or our home which is to be a safe haven. I mean, clearly, it’s just going to upset me every time. so yeah, do it elsewhere.
I look back at my first pregnancy, and it’s no wonder my son has the amount of anxiety he does now. Heck, that’s what he experienced in the womb. There was a lot of drama taking place during that pregnancy.
Speaking of my son, and some of the complications he has within the educational system. He sounds a lot like me when I was a child. I wasn’t exactly the easiest pupil to teach. And when it came to learning to read and write, it was frustrating for me, to the point I was throwing fits. Knocking desks over and what not. I wanted to be doing other things. More creative things. Something that was brought to light over the weekend a little bit, when I talked to my childrens father. I guess a creative mind is hard to tame. Lol Perhaps my sons creativity is being expressed digitally through building things within video-games. Just a thought.
My mind kind of bounced all over the place again. This was suppose to be a blog about the baby, but apparently there’s been more on my mind as well.
I was told that my son is doing better these days in school, minus his homeroom. So hopefully that improves. Can’t help but find it peculiar that he refuses to sit down in that one class. Something set off his anxiety and scared him, what? Did that teacher yell at him? That would do it. I don’t yell at my children, unless it’s urgent like telling them to get off the road. Or they are doing that sibling rivalry thing where they bicker and fight with one another, and I raise my voice to distract what their doing. “ENOUGH!!” Lol Most of the time, talking to them face to face works fine. Talk to my child like a human being, and with respect, and he’ll usually return that behavior. Geez!! Teachers these days. Clueless.
On Friday, my man and I had some issues. He was drinking, and had the nerve to accuse me of taking pictures of him for blackmail. Seriously? That is just fuckin ridiculous! I am a shutter-bug, an artist. If I want to immortalize you in a moment, you should feel honored. Not insecure. It means I was admiring or cherishing you in a moment. So yeah, that kinda hurt my feelings. And I guess he’s not used to having his pictures all over FB, or being so open in the public. Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you dated and knocked up a blogger who puts her own life in the freakin spot light. No one can say shit about it if I’m the one saying shit first. I tell my own story. Is it my fault he wanted to be apart of my life, my story? No. That was his choice. Anyways, I had a hissy fit and removed all the pictures I had of him on Facebook. And refuse to take anymore if he’s going to be that way. It was like, “fine, you don’t want me to be that proud of you, then I won’t be” kinda thing. So, so far I’ve stuck to that. No more pictures. A friend said to respect his wishes. Sure. I can do that. It’s just fucked up that it never bothered him before. Until recently. But then again, he didn’t like the pictures of him cuddling pillows being on my FB. They were adorable. He looked peaceful, which is rare for him. But I guess he needs to look all manly and tough, or idiotic and drunk in order for pictures to be acceptable. So yeah, we got in a little fight over that. He says it was a misunderstanding, and that the word blackmail was the incorrect term to use. Well duuuh!
So even though we were bickering on Friday, we managed to sweep that shit aside for the sake of my children, and focus on giving them a good Halloween. Which turned our pretty good. Minus the rain, and a lot of the homes in this area weren’t giving out candy. It was still a good weekend. My daughter and my man even made banana bread together. She got so upset when she thought she left it behind in her backpack on the way back to her dads. Luckily we ran into the same bus we got off of, across the street, since it goes in a loop. So we got her backpack back.
So needless to say, things aren’t exactly perfect, but not exactly horrible either. We have our ups and downs like most couples. Thankfully, things are starting to look up again. Especially after seeing our baby’s ultrasound pics. Funny how children can put things back into perspective.Anyways, My man may not understand me as an Artist or a Blogger, but at least we can see eye to eye with our baby and our future.
Now on with my day! New School of Colour and Leads today. However I will have to leave New School of Colour early to make to my Leads appointment. But a little art time , is better than no art time at all. Until next time, peace and love!…Never-mind. Didn’t make it to the New School of Colour, but I will make it to Leads! Anyways, yeah. Once again, thanks for reading! – Pooks
Hello. I’ve decided I’m going to type out part of my blog today, save it as a draft, and then add to it more later. I just want to write some things down before I forget.
So last weekend, I had my visit with my children on a Friday for 4 hours. I was late, but I felt that I needed to let the puppies out once more before leaving the house.
Anyways, we went to the dollar store, and picked up some flashlights, glow sticks, and my son wanted those silly glasses with the googly eyes. We wanted things that lit up since we planned to walk in the nearby conservation area, and with the sun going down, we needed some kind of light source.
It was a short walk, my daughter got spooked by the possibility of coyotes, and her brother started talking about ghosts and monsters. However, time kinda flew that day, because afterwards we planned on going to a park, and my alarm went off on the way there. I have an alarm that goes off at 7:30pm to notify us that it was time to head back to Tim Hortons (which is the pick up and drop off place that their father and I have arranged). So we went back to Tim Hortons, and still had about 20 minutes to kill. They wanted to try what I was drinking earlier that evening, a white hot chocolate, and I was like, sure, why not? Turns out that they became very wired from the white hot chocolates. They were behaving off the wall. So when my ex came to pick them up, he was trying to have a serious conversation with me, as usual, but I was having a hard time trying to not laugh at what my daughter and son were doing. Making faces, fart noises, pretending they were melting under the table, so on and so forth. Being children. It was funny. The kinda silliness that makes you want to join in. However, I didn’t want to be rude, and yeah, tried to listen to what their father was saying, despite the silly distractions. Lol So yeah, note to self: White Hot Chocolate makes your children go bonkers.
After the visit, I returned home, and my man and his friend were having a fire out back. I think that was the night I got emotional regarding my mans drinking, I opened up and admitted a fear. Which isn’t easy for me to do. Ya know? I do worry about his drinking from time to time. And even though he has cut back, it’s the way he talks about alcohol that scares me. He sounds like an alcoholic. He needs to drink if he’s in pain, if he’s had a rough day, to celebrate a good day, to chill with the guys. There’s a number of reasons/ excuses. And he knows that the reason I didn’t go out with him 3 years ago, it was because of his partying and drinking. Ya know? I’m past that phase, I don’t need to drink and party to have fun. I went years without drinking, it was when I started to date him that I thought, okay maybe I can loosen up a little bit. But now that I’m pregnant, and am going to be a full-time parent again, yeah, I’m going to be a bit of a tight ass again. I don’t depend on alcohol. And when I hear him speak sometimes, it sounds like he does.
He tries to reassure me that he will straighten his act up when the baby arrives. But the thing is, I don’t want to go through the same b.s that I went through with my ex. Ya know? I don’t want to be stuck with another little boy that just wants to party, get drunk and high with his boys, while I’m at home trying my best to manage as a parent on my own. My man, says he knows what he’s capable of, as in when it comes to cutting back or quitting. But I still have my doubts. Compared to how much he used to drink, even his friends say he’s mellowed out. So I’ll temporarily sweep it under the rug, and yeah, only time will tell if he will straighten up and man up. Actions speak louder than words.
Yes I expressed some concerns I’ve had lately regarding my boyfriend and alcohol. But, I’m going to take his advice, hang in there a little longer, and have faith that he will show me I have nothing to fear. I do love him dearly, and I can only hope that I’m not going to go through the same shit as I have in the past.
Ya know? He says he’s always wanted a family of his own, to have a child. And with what’s he’s done so far, he seems pretty sincere. It could be just past experiences/ perspectives that could be haunting me. I worry and think too much. But then again, there are people that can’t give up a crazy lifestyle for the sake of their family. Please prove my fears wrong.
On Saturday, I went to Westmount for this event called Art Blast, which was being held at the For the Love of Art Centre. I would not have known about it, if it hadn’t been for Twitter. I find that Twitter seems to be a good way to find art events and exhibitions that I can participate in.
It was my first time at the For the Love of Art Centre. But yeah, I painted non-stop for 4 hours. The event is to support their centre. There will be an auction coming up, so all the pieces that were created there will be auctioned off starting Oct 31st, and the artists get 25% back of the proceeds that their art piece sells for. That’s cool. I get to support a non-profit organization that encourages art and creativity on the west end of London, AND I get my art out there. Yaaaay!! For more details regarding the auction, keep an eye on the following Facebook page: ForTheLoveofArtLondonOntario
After the event, I met up with my man downtown and we did some shopping downtown.
Monday, I was home. Didn’t do too much. Tuesday, I have no idea what happened, just got some major pregnancy fatigue, and napped longer that day than I intended to. Probably means I need to eat more. But yeah, I missed the New School of Colour this week. However, I was given the heads up that next week, the New School of colour will be on a Wednesday afternoon.
Today I was getting my appointments back in order and now that that’s taken care of, one less thing to stress about.
During the week, I have been supporting my friend Melly. If you haven’t noticed the re-blogs lately. I’m just so happy to see her standing up for something she believes in, despite the criticism she gets from people of higher supposed stature or status. Maybe I’m intrigued by her rebellion in a way. Ya know? People, even local news papers try to silence her opinions, but they don’t crush her persistence and determination. She has something to say regarding Homelessness and Poverty, and she’s damn well going to be heard. I love it! She even got interviewed on 106.9fm The X. I’m so freakin proud of her. It’s good to see her fight for something she believes in. Ya know? It’s like, my little Melly, she’s all grown up. She’s turning into quite the mighty woman. Get out of her freakin way!! Lol You can read and follow her blog at the following link:
According to my man, some family members on his side are getting a bit anxious to find out the sex of the baby. Unfortunately, I do not have that answer yet. We won’t know until early November, within the first 2 weeks, after the next ultrasound.
When we think about it, our home is never going to have a dull moment. 3 shitzus, 3 children (2 on weekends) . There’s always going to be something happening. Lol
My man and I joke around about naming our child; Raspberry Sue, no matter what the sex. Lol It gives us a good laugh. Raspberry, because my man has given my tummy so many raspberries during this pregnancy so far, that our child will probably think his/her name is raspberry. And Sue, because if our baby is a boy, my man says that name would toughen him up by the time he’s an adult. Imagine a grown man named Raspberry Sue, not one to mess with. Lol But no worries, that will not be the name of our Little Turkey Hunter, that name is just jokes. I think once we know the sex of the baby, we’ll get a better idea on what to name our child.
My man got the day off yesterday which was nice. He normally keeps himself pretty busy around the house, organizing things and cleaning. He was tuckered out by the end of the day. I find it funny how he says his dad is a workaholic, but so is he. However, I do have fun distracting him here and there.
Today I can relax, and do whatever. Tomorrow, I go in to see my doctor for my third prenatal check-up, and that is when I can pick up a new form for my next ultrasound since the one I had had gone m.i.a. I do recall my ultrasound appointment being within the first two weeks of November. My man won’t be with me for this one, but I’ll shoot him a text as soon as I know the sex of the baby, and he can spread the news to his family.
Then Saturday and Sunday my children will be over, and I’m excited to take them out for Halloween. I finally decided what my costume is going to be, and I don’t have to buy anything except face paint. I just need jeans, and a plaid/ or button up shirt. I already have a hat I can use. But yeah, I’m going to be a scarecrow this year. A cute lil pregnant scarecrow. 🙂 Lol
Anyways, that is the basically what’s been going on in the life of Pooks. Over all it’s been good, with some worries, but not too much. Thank you so much for reading! Until next time! Peace and love – Pooks
“Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in.”- Shannon L. Alder
Despite all the criticism she’s been getting from people that are supposedly “higher up” on the social and economic scale, I admire Melly for standing up for what she believes in, and using her voice AND social media in a positive way to send out a powerful message. One that I don’t think should be disregarded when it comes to homelessness and poverty. So with that being said, Go Melly! I love ya chicky! And I love your persistence and determination. Be the salmon against that current of those that try to silence you. Hugs! – Pooks
Sorry for the rants and such… just sick of people’s close-mindedness and selfish comments lately. I mean, here I am, not being paid by anyone or any organization to stand up for those in our community that can’t stand up for themselves, and I’m faced with the NIMBY attitude of the people in this city on an almost-daily basis. It’s sickening, and as I said in my post, I won’t stand down or back down from people who think they hold power over me for any reason.
I stand with and for many of the people I’ve met along the way of my 10+ years of being street level, homeless, and impoverished. I stand for the people who have died before being able to see a change happen in the eyes of society.
The real solution to the stigma, issue, crisis, epidemic, whatever you want to call it, is for…
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Okie dokie. Blog day!
I think I’ll start off with some thoughts here and there that I have been thinking about. One recent, one I jotted down on paper. Then I’ll review and reflect on my week. Here it goes…
So I went to The Ark for dinner ( I’m saving the food I have at home for my kids), and Sanctuary was volunteering. I don’t know who was the volunteer wearing the dark grey sweater, red shirt, and red ball cap, but he was just being a dink. An elderly man that usually comes down to the New School of Colour to socialize asked for shrimp, and not the pasta. They were mixed together in a pasta salad. Anyway, this guy was like, “Really?” Then he was trying to tell the other volunteer to not to serve him. Or only give him 2 shrimps. Really?!! You’re gonna deny a guy in need of food?! And did you ever think that maybe there is a reason some of the people specifically ask for one thing and not the other? Some people do that if they have allergies!! No need to be stingy . There’s not many people there at this time of month, so there is plenty to go around!! Yeah, I wasn’t impressed with that guy. Luckily for this respected regular, I gave him the shrimp I got because I don’t normally eat shrimp. Not a fan of the texture. Newho, he appreciated that and chowed down.
Moving on…to the things I wrote down on paper… let me find my notes. Yes. I actually wrote some notes this time! Haha!
I was thinking how some online activists say they don’t, or won’t, post meaningless, worthless posts like “you” do. They normally say that when someone has a different perspective aside from their own. There is a flaw in that. I mean they are trying to reach the people, but abuse and belittle the people instead. So what they are trying to achieve is compromised by behaving just like the people they are fighting against, the capitalists.
I mean, FB posts, tweets, whichever social media you use, those are your thoughts or things you relate to that you share. So they do have sentimental value. Your thoughts matter, and anyone that says they don’t are wrong and pig-headed. Shame on these activists for being so bias, for thinking they are better, smarter and superior than others based on what they post via social media.
Besides, majority of these online activists don’t really share their thoughts or interpretations, they just share articles. Thus, being an echo of someone else’s thoughts that is not their own.
Not to mention, if they were so “intelligent”, than they would at least notice their own behavior as abusive and non-effective. But they just keep repeating the same bullshit whenever someone disagrees with their opinion.
They act like the religious organizations, and other social institutions, as they try to force their thoughts to become your thoughts. There is no respect or acceptance for anyone that may question or think differently.
That is a huge problem in this world, and they aren’t making it any better.
Perhaps these activists need to take a different approach regarding communication if they really want to make a difference. Is behaving like your enemy going to get you the results you desire? No. Just the continuation of this vicious violent abusive cycle. Not very peaceful, is it?
Hence why I backed out of activism, especially around here. There must be a better way to reach others without force and abuse.
I can only hope the things I do in my life-time inspire others to do some kind of positive action.
Language, verbal, and written communication does have it’s barriers. We don’t all speak the same native tongue. And online or text communication often leads to a lot of misunderstandings. But as an artist, I know one form of communication that is universal, and that is through imagery. Which is probably why I’d rather put more focus into my art, than be another ranting online activist trying to shove my opinion down your throats.
Yeah, I once admired their efforts, and their cause, but after so many abusive interactions, I’ve had enough. That is not progress. Besides, The best thing for me, or anyone really, is to take myself out of abusive situations. Until they see that for themselves, and try something different, than no progress will be made.
Besides, I like to post whatever the fuck I want via. social media. Not just bad news. I like to think of myself as silly, fun, and spontaneous like a Jester. I can make people laugh, smile, lift spirits, and inspire. I feel like I lose that part of me focusing only on the negatives in this world. There are positive things too, you just need to seek them out.
Yes, the Capitalists are sick, twisted, greedy scum. But I won’t allow their bullshit to turn me into a bitter person. I know I am stronger than that.
Now onto my review of my week… the personal life of Pooks.
I should probably start off with last Friday, when I had a 4 hour visit with my children outdoors. It was a cold day, but I think we did our best to make the best of it. We tried go park hopping, but that didn’t quite work out. I didn’t have the proper footwear to be out on a field of wet grass. Cold wet feet, not good. So instead, we went into the conservation area. It was less cold in there since the trees kind of sheltered us from the wind. The paths were mostly ice, so I didn’t have to worry about getting a soaker. We had fun, chasing each-other down the trails.
Saturday, that was soup and sandwich night at The Ark. I went there the friend I’ve reunited with. Somewhere within the week, we went a couple walks downtown. We even went for this long hike for Vanilla Coke, but got mocha’s instead. I’ve missed her over the years, and it’s good to have her back in my life. It’s good to have my walking buddy back, and we just go on random adventures. It’s always fun.
On Tuesday, during a Leads appointment, we were figuring out what kind of learner I am. Which I think I am both a hands on, and visual learner. I also did a personality test, and once again my result was… the Idealist. INFP- Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling Perceiving. Not surprised. That’s result I get for every personality test I do. I believe that’s the same result I got 2-3 years ago. Still the same! If your interested on reading the portrait of an INFP, the link is provided below ( It makes me laugh because I do in fact relate to the result) :
In the possible career selection for an INFP, it listed the following jobs; Writers, Counselors/Social Workers, Teachers/ Professors, Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Musicians, Clergy/Religious Workers. It makes sense with the writer thing. Heck, I’m blogging right now. Umm.. my worker suggested maybe to try teaching, but yeah, I said I don’t feel courageous or confident enough for that yet. I’m not very good at explaining things vocally, let alone to a crowd. Large crowds usually give me anxiety. I don’t think I can do the psychologist, or psychiatric thing, I would be absorbing too much negativity. And yeah, that’s never pretty. Haha! A social worker? maybe, that depends. For what cause? Hahaha! So yeah, some possibilities to ponder.
After my Leads appointment, a friend took me out for lunch to Crabby Joe’s. That was a nice way to spend the afternoon. Thanks to my friend that took me out that day!
Umm… Lately at the New School of Colour, I haven’t really been working on my painting, but more so learning from others. This week an artist came in and showed me how to do this really neat effect with ink, and a glossy coating for texture. The result was amazing!
That is not the only thing I’ve been learning this week. But another artist from the New School of Colour is actually walking me through step by step on how to measure and cut the matte boards for framing instead of doing it for me. I get to learn how to do it myself…kinda. I kinda messed up the first time, but hey, that’s how we learn, trial and error. Haha! I’m starting to get that it isn’t really that technical, mostly fractions. I’m not that great at math, but hey, it’s good practice.
Afterwards I hung out at a friends apartment, along with another friend. We talked about art, and had a lot of laughs. It was a very inspiring night.
Today I was running errands in the rain, and I got myself new shoes. I had to get my shopping done before all the grocery stores close for the Easter holidays. So yes, I am prepared for this coming weekend when my kids spend a night over. I am looking forward to another awesome weekend!
Newho, this blog post is very very long. Apparently I had a lot to share. I hope you enjoyed! Thanks for reading! – Pooks
“Living in a way that reflects one’s values is not just about what you do, it is also about how you do things.” – Deborah Day
Maybe I should just make Thursday my new blog day…
Anyways, there was something I forgot to mention in the last post, about how I was catching some kind of cold or flu, but then a friend gave me garlic, and yeah, that fixed me right up within 2 days. I took his advice about dicing it up and drinking it with water, but then I remembered how he said something about how rapid things get into the blood stream when placed under the tongue. So that’s what I did, I took a nice chunk of it and placed it under my tongue, and holy hell was that hot!! Haha! You can tell garlic is related to the onion.
Newho, onto other things. Umm.. I patched things up with someone I used to hang out with quite regularly 3 years ago. We started talking and mingling again at the New School of Colour, and afterward we went for a long walk where we were able to say what we needed to say, and yeah, the past is behind us. I think we both came to a better understanding of each-other. It is nice to have a friend that enjoys walking, and loves coffee as much I do. Not to mention, after all this time that has past, we can still relate to each-other. So yeah, grateful for forgiveness, and friendship.
Last weekend my children were over for a visit. I think were always up to something. We could be playing doctor, and I’m taped to the floor… or my daughter and I or painting and trading our art… Thank my son for suggesting to watch Big Hero 6, that was a cute movie. We missed our movie hour in the evening, so instead we had Breakfast and a Movie. I see them again this coming Friday!…Hopefully it won’t be too cold out.
On Tuesday I slept in, and missed my Leads appointment. Darn it! My alarm was set, it did go off, I just slept right through it. I’ve been really exhausted lately, and I think it has something to do with my diet. Not enough vegetables. I’m like Popeye and his spinach, except he doesn’t slow down like a dying battery like I do when he goes without. Worst kind of exhaustion ever, not even coffee will suffice.
Anyways, my appointment has been re-booked to next week. Dust myself off, try to eat better, and try again. Back to discovering my strengths and abilities.
At the New School of Colour I was pulled aside to a meeting, where I and another New School of Colour member were given the torch, so to speak, regarding the New School of Colours social media sites and official website. So yesh. It’s official. Pooks is one of the New School of Colours social media guru’s. If you noticed any new tweets from the New School of Colour, that was me! I got straight to work. The official site uses Weebly, a web builder I am already familiar with. That’s what I use for my own site. Although I believe building it won’t be as quick as my own was, because it’ll require interaction with other members so that everyone is happy with it. Looks like I’ll need to step outside of my comfort zone a little bit. But whatever, I’m happy some other skills of mine can be put to use. I have been doing this social media stuff for awhile.
Before I forget, I did show up with make up and paint on my face, and congrats to the New School of Colour and The Ark. They past my test. Everyone treated me no differently, as well as the people that attend, volunteers, and staff. There was no bias or discrimination. They spoke to me like there wasn’t even paint on my face. Thanks for reassuring me that it is a safe space for all.
I submitted my last completed oil painting into the New School of Colours next art exhibition. Which will be in the lobby of the Palace Theatre, in addition to the Ark Aid Street Mission’s play “The Living Last Supper.” That will be taking place this Friday and Saturday. p.s. It was a pleasant surprise to see that the play got into the London Free Press. Congrats to The Ark, and everyone involved with “The Living Last Supper.”
On Wednesday there was a group photo at the New School of Colour being taken, and I tried to hide in the back, but I got busted. The photographer was like; where’s Pooks? I guess I was being humble, a little modest. Trying to shed some light on the other artists. I don’t really need the spotlight, I am more than capable of drawing attention to myself when I want to.
Anyways, later on that evening a new member ( She’s been attending for about a month) to the New School of Colour was preparing to get ready to paint with a younger artist. They decided to do some finger painting, so I dared this newcomer to dive in, get messy. The result was amazing. They both had fun, their smiles and giggles lit up the room. That is the New School of Colour. That energy that took place.
I found out later that I had inspired this artist to step outside of her comfort zone. That’s cool. I thought I was just being playful with the dare. But inspiring? Cool. Just trying to share what I know is loads of fun, Art with kids. I knew she would have a blast if she took on my dare. 😉
“I taught and also learned that letting go, being brave and messy is my new idea of perfection!!!”
I still need to do my income taxes. Unsure what I need to bring. But I’m pretty sure I can get it all done at the Crouch Library. I was considering about going to The Ark, but the guy that does them there has been under the weather lately. So yeah, probably best to try else where.
I did get an e-mail from The Arts Project regarding Floater hours, but unfortunately they collide with my visiting hours with my children. So I will have to pass. However, the Ting Comic and Graphics Festival is coming up, and I look forward to checking that out at The Arts Project. Comic art fan here!
Newho, that is all I’m gonna write for now. Hope you enjoyed the update. It feels like a week just flew by. Onto experiencing more life. Thanks for reading! – Pooks
“A life lived without forgiveness is a prison.”- William Arthur Ward
After waiting for a month, almost, I finally did see my kids on February 28th. So that was awesome.
When I was trying to hook that up and get a hold of Merrymount, there were a few more hoops to jump so to speak. I tried e-mailing a worker there, but I just got an automated e-mail stating that they were out of the office and not checking e-mails until later in March. So I tried calling, but there wasn’t enough time on my phone to make the call. So I decided to send a text to their land-line and hoped that would go through. Luckily for me, it did. So yaaay! I got to see muh babies, Merrymount got the message, passed it along to my ex, and I had an awesome weekend with my kids.
I made it to my Leads appointment, and we talked about planning, among other things. Thanks to my worker I don’t feel so bad not being able to handle activism, and she’s right, we are lucky to have the people we do that can handle it. She also brought it to my attention that I do have my own little way of helping others. For example, when I donate my art to fund raise for families in need (or other causes I support) , or to help out non-profit organizations, that is my own way of helping others.
I am grateful to have people that care, and get concerned during my spouts of depression. Even a kind stranger ( that I met on Twitter) that lives somewhere else on the globe checked up on me to make sure I was okay. I appreciate that. No matter how many times life knocks me down, I always get back up. Even if some times it takes me longer than other times. I am resilient like that. So no worries, I am okay, and my state of mind is in a much better place than it has been.
My Leads worker asked if I would consider getting prescription drugs regarding my anxiety and depression. But I don’t think she knows how I feel about prescription drugs. Why fuck up my internal organs to numb myself like a zombie? I believe there is something to learn from these intense emotions, and if I’m all drugged up and numbing myself, I’m not really learning, understanding, or evolving from it. So yeah, I would much rather go through it (no matter how much it sucks sometimes), or find ways to cope with it naturally. Which I have learned some techniques from past councilors and psychiatrists. I just need to remember to put those things into practice.
Anyways onto other things, a couple weeks ago, a New School of Colour veteran returned to the New School of Colour, Geoff. This past Monday, another New School of Colour Veteran returned, Marshall. So it’s been pretty cool catching up with some familiar faces from the past. Us artists always return to the New School of Colour at one point or another. I mean hey, look at me. No matter how many times I left, I always find myself making my way back. It is a very special place, even though friendships change, people change, the energy there remains the same. And despite our differences between some of us, we still co-exist like one big family growing with each-other through the changes.
On Tuesday, after my Leads appointment I went out for lunch with another New School of Colour artist, Brian. After lunch we went to check out the art gallery, Art with Panache. Audrey did a wonderful job walking us through the gallery, talking about the artists and their work. Who knows. Maybe one day I might have some art pieces in there. It is something to consider, even though I was told the common viewers are conservatives, that is a little intimidating, but I won’t let that stop me. I also noticed a lot of the art there are nature scenes, and my art doesn’t quite fit that genre. My stuff is more surreal, and dark, but it would definitely stand out. Haha! So yeah, maybe in the near future I’ll grab a few pieces of work to hang in there.
This evening was the first Wednesday New School of Colour art session we had in awhile. There was a small group of us, and most of us gathered around one table, it was nice. We had fun.
Considering my ex didn’t get my message through my blog regarding that one visit on a Friday, maybe he finally fucked off. So yaaay! It sucked I didn’t get to see my kids, but maybe this obsessive ex of mine finally got the point, I am never returning to that shit relationship. So it’s been kind of a relief that he didn’t get the message I posted through my blog.
Anyways, I did some running around today getting some paperwork handed into housing. Just when I think it’s complete, nope. There’s still more I got to do. So more running around tomorrow. Oh well. It gets this hermit out of the house. I guess it’s good to get out sometimes.
I apologize if you’ve been waiting to see a post from me. Sorry to keep you waiting. For the most part, my perspective has shifted, I am more optimistic lately, and focusing a lot more on my passion, art.
That reminds me, next Monday I will be meeting with two nursing students that are currently in charge of the New School of Colours online stuff, via social media. Apparently I’ve been assigned to be on board, and will be one of the admins that contributes. I think I have experience in that area. I’ve managed to spread my artist alias, and art, all over social media. I think I can do the same for the New School of Colour. So that’s a pretty cool opportunity. Thank you Jeremy Jeresky.
Newho, I think that is all I will be writing today. Things are good and I am happy. Thank you for reading. – Pooks
“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!”
– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I used to think this blog was a spiritual journey at one time. Then I ventured into activism…but it just seems like ever since I took sociology and got into activism, I’ve been going down this never-ending dark downward spiral.
It’s only getting worse. I like people less and less. I have no faith in humanity or their revolution.
Last night I got into another dispute with an activist, regarding strategies v.s chaos. This person believes the people need to have tactful plans, and be educated like the military in order to take down the system. My thoughts, I don’t believe you can take down an organized system by their rules, strategies, and plans. Chaos on the other hand is out of their control, and unpredictable. While they march in their straight lines, huddled together (making themselves more vulnerable) , it’s hard to target people scattered and spreading all over place tearing their system apart.
She mentioned something about coming face to face with a tank. What am I going to do then? Does a person need weapons to overcome a tank? No, just their brain. A tank is freakin metal, douse that with water and add some electricity. I doubt it will function, nor the people inside of it, after that. Just a thought.
Anyways, I seem to have an act for bringing out and exposing the ugliness in a person. I was clearly getting her flustered, so she went onto ridiculing the traditional ways of living (ahem, I am native, and she is fully aware of that. How convenient to throw in the traditional ways to counteract me).
“I can go learn to live with nature and heal and clean innovate new ways of living with traditional ways and when people spill all the oil into their water and all have brain damage and the bees are dead they will see us doing what they are they going to be drawn too. Mind you when the bees are dead say byebye lol.”
Hmm… sounds a little racist to me, funny how she should bring that up, just saying. And as an activist, she sure has a shitty way of fighting. Let’s scare the people even more! Induce more fear into the people, like that will do anything. And if anyone has any remote amount of courage, let’s diffuse it with fear and show them why it is utterly hopeless.
“They are training cops and military officials to react to violence with violence and if you think you stand one chance against tanks and guns and tons of polices and whatever the fuck kind of weird weapon they want to release on you before you go to jail then you have no idea what they are expecting.”
So yeah, I think I am done with activism, or just the activists around here. They seem to be their own little tight group. So I cut them all out. No point in letting them plague my mind with their toxicity. It has gone on long enough. By the time they come up with a strategic “plan” at the rate their going, there will be nothing to save. The revolution isn’t possible playing by THEIR rules. Their, as in the capitalists.
Empower the people, don’t create more fear. Freakin fear mongers! Just as freakin bad as the Info Wars and Alex Jones.
I have an aunt that is an activist up north, and she behaves nowhere near the way these people do. Kudos to her.
Anyways, I’m not really much of a people person lately, heck, tonight was the New School of Colour, and I really didn’t feel like surrounding myself with people. The more I try to interact, the more disappointed I become in humanity. I don’t believe in the system. I don’t believe in their god. I don’t believe in the people, or their revolution. I don’t believe in you. What happens to a person that has nothing to believe in?
Perhaps the absence of my children doesn’t help. But if I can make it through the Christmas Holidays and New Years ( 2 weeks) without a single visit, then I can get through the rest of this month. 19 more days to go.
Maybe I’m not an activist. Maybe I’m just a shit disturber. I don’t know. I think I’ll just stick to my writing and art.
As I said before, activism online is just people arguing about who knows more than the other person. So it’s complete bullshit, with no progress. People only listen to respond, not to understand different perspectives, or where those different perspectives may be coming from. Just more Nazi “I’m right, you’re wrong” bullshit. So yeah, so done with that shit. Not worth the ridicule of my thoughts. I think I respect myself more than to be constantly shit on like that. I think it is time to get myself away from all that, and clear my head. It’s done enough damage. So yeah… “Byebye Lol” – Pooks
“When negative feelings move upon you, reflect, and recognize the danger of feeding those feelings and keeping them alive.”- Bryan Mcgill
Honestly, I did not want to write today. But here I am writing anyways. It is just something I have to do. I can’t really explain it, but it is a part of what I am. A passion I can’t let slide no matter how depressed I may be feeling. It is a part of my purpose.
So now you know depression is the issue here. I didn’t want to write and just be a total downer. I’m not one to burden others with my shit. In person, as far as you know; “I’m fine.”
I guess a lot has hit me all at once over the holidays. A supposed best-friend rejects and kicks me to the curb just before Christmas for being “too offensive”. For being too honest. I guess people only say they respect and want honesty until they actually get it.
But then again, this is a person that has flat out told me she doesn’t like and only tolerates this other artist that paints hockey logos. Or as I referred to as the cock-eyed red head. But on Monday, there she is pretending to be all buddy buddy with her. Wow! Bravo! Someone should totally nominate this woman for an Oscar Award. Her acting is astounding! Too bad this other person isn’t aware of her bullshit. I kinda feel bad she’s being played like that, even though me and this “cock eyed red head” did have our own issues in the past.
I personally would not be able to do that. Live a lie like that. Lying to myself and others. Seems like a shameful, deceitful way to live. But than again, I have come to the realization that not only are majority of the people cowards, but they are also fake ass people pleasers. They are not true to themselves. They are so concerned what the “others” will think about what they say, do, even appear. Clones. People mimicking people’s expectations. Sheep, just following the herd. Cowards that are just constantly lying to themselves. They come off as so rehearsed, saying the same lame catch phrases repeatedly for approval. Do you even know who the fuck you are? Like, seriously, deep down. I doubt it. People waste so much time kissing each-others asses their heads get lost up there. I guess I’m realizing just how rare genuine authentic people really are. How rare I am.
Anyways, maybe it’s karma. Even though I don’t normally believe in karma. I “unfriended” her spontaneously on FB in the past, but I at least gave an explanation and reason. I didn’t even get that. Just a cold shoulder, and a nose in the air. In the past, I did so so that she wasn’t caught in the middle of the drama between the “cock eyed red head” and I. If anything, I was trying to protect her from the drama and bullshit. But in this recent case, this other person isn’t even on FB, the person I was ranting about for snapping at me and making an unnecessary scene for sharing ideas. I guess small minds can’t comprehend that many ideas, they can only discuss gossip about people. Maybe I’ve just outgrown that crowd. Anyways, I was “unfriended” for venting. Wow, that is just fuckin dumb. This clearly shows, I need to make better friends.
Onto the other shit that hit me all at once, such as being ganged up on by fellow Idle No More members for bringing up an issue that affects and reflects on us all. I mean, if the person you steal from is aware that you are apart of Idle No More, yeah, that behavior will reflect on the whole movement. Perhaps I was hoping that whomever stole the 50 flags from the International Indigenous Unity Flag artist would do the honorable thing and either return the flags, or pay for them. It was a long shot hoping it would reach whomever was responsible. But the online bullying attack really put a damper on any hope I had for the movement, for a revolution. Just to see and experience first hand how easily they turn on their own, wow. That was devastating.
The troll on twitter calling me a thief, hobo and tramp. Rude remarks instantly piss me off. Just ask my ex, he’s a pro at verbal abuse, and he wonders why I won’t take him back. Haha! It pisses me off more so coming from strangers that don’t even know me personally, not that my ex really knows me either and he’s always shooting his mouth off. So who the fuck is he to judge? Ya know? Not only that, but I am so fed up with sexism and discrimination, I get enough of that chauvinistic bullshit from my abusive ex, thank you very much!
Which brings me to another point that’s got me down lately, my children. Not seeing them over the holidays. Not seeing them for two straight weeks. I can’t help but feel blue as the time drags on. Supposedly my visit is scheduled for this upcoming Saturday. We’ll see. Excuse me if I just feel very pessimistic lately. This change affects our schedule we had going. Technically I should have seen them on the 3ird, but I didn’t, obviously. No idea why not. I mean, Merrymount was back open and running. So what’s the fuckin excuse?!
Anyways, as you may recall the personal research I was doing regarding the brain, and communication. Yeah, fuck that! I find myself becoming more withdrawn, not really wanting to engage or interact with people. People cannot be trusted. Everyone will just fuckin hurt you and stomp all over you. That is my conclusion to that.
Sure I attended the New School of Colour on Monday, but I wasn’t there to socialize. I only showed up to paint. Prior to making an appearance, I was saying to myself; “To go, or not to go. That is the question. That is always the question.” It took a lot just to motivate myself to leave the house.
That question pops up a lot lately, especially when it comes to events. “Do I really want to surround myself with people?” Not really.
Other than all that, I have been painting more at home. It temporarily takes my mind off things. Plus since I haven’t landed an actual job in London, I’ve been here for over a decade. I figure why bother trying to mold into your world? Your world sucks. Besides, it’s just not happening. So I might as well just do what I do, and that is art. I’m at a fuck-it-all point when it comes to society and the people in it. I’m just gonna do what the fuck I’m good at, fuck society, and their lame rules and expectations. I will paint and paint until my stone cold heart is content.
So 2015 has started off rather dark, but perhaps it’s only necessary. Pain tends to be what transforms a person. For better or for worse, I don’t know. One thing I can say is, no matter what, I’m going to keep it real and stick to honesty and truth. – Pooks
“The high-minded man must care more for the truth than for what people think.”- Aristotle
NOW FOR THE VISUALS…