Because you’re Native

So I was going through the documents my doctor gave me, to give to the hospital in case I pop early.

Needless to say that I am not impressed with the way they worded things. Such as “denies” substance abuse in current pregnancy??? Wtf? I don’t do drugs period, besides the antibiotics they shove down throat. Yeah, I used to smoke weed, but I kicked that to the curb without a problem when I found out I was pregnant with my eldest son. 10- 11 YEARS AGO!!! I don’t do fuckin drugs period. Ughhhhhhhh….

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All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

It also says to monitor me for any indications to involve them (C.A.S) in current pregnancy.

A) The reason CAS got involved in the first place was because a doctor accused me of being on crack when I actually had mastitis. And rather then doing their job, Dr. Lee settled for his assumption.

B) CAS remained involved because of MY EX and the domestic abuse. But yeah, CAS, specifically Lara Downing, fucked up on that one, and thinks it’s safer to have my children with the man that assaulted their mother, than their mother. Make any sense?? Oh that’s right, I opened up with the truth that my ex was in my home when he wasn’t supposed to be due to a restraining order. I guess that would have been too much work for her to have to start from scratch. But what does she expect from a domestic abuse case? Yeah, I was lying on his behalf. Because he supposedly loved me, and was the only person that cared for me. Everybody else was just trying to tear our family apart. That’s the kind of shit a victim of abuse gets brainwashed with. Anyways,  out of spite, this lazy immature worker did everything in her power to have my kids placed with my ex. Congrats! She succeeded, and now schools wonder why they have so many problems with my eldest son. Smh. Oh yeah, and since my ex was around when he wasn’t supposed to be, that whole cleanliness bullshit that got pinned on me only, that’s on him too. That’s the fuckin truth.

Society and all these organizations are fuckin retarded!
Correction. Not retarded. That’s not the word. I know some peeps may find that word offensive. But yeah… perhaps bias, prejudice, racist, ignorant, so on and so forth, are better words to use.

Heck! Even my biological cousin shares this perspective from her own experience. She said: ” Automatic substance abuser. Because you’re native. I get labeled immediately as well, even when I was pregnant.”

So yeah. Welcome to the life of a native. Isn’t that fuckin bullshit or what?

Not all natives are substance abusers. Many of my generation learned by the example of our elders. Not all of them. But yeah, there are those trying to drown their traumatic experiences from Residential Schools. The torture and genocide of our people and culture. Sure those times may be over, not entirely obviously, but clearly our elders still suffer internally from those memories. I imagine it would be like how a soldier would suffer PTSD after returning from war. People having to live with seeing or experiencing inhumane shit that is to be kept “confidential.”

Anyways… that’s enough for this post. I will post another regarding other aspects of my life, either later on today or in the week. Thank you for reading my occasional rant. Peace and love – Pooks

“…racist thought and action says far more about the person they come from than the person they are directed at.”

– Chris Crutcher

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Focus on the Positive

As you may have noticed from my last post, I  almost gave this up. As in this blogging thing. Instead, I think I will try to be more careful on what I write about. Sure, I  can handle the judgment. But when I think of my children, my family, and how it could be impacting their lives….Putting a spotlight on myself is one thing. But my kids? To the point, they’re being followed by strangers in public?? It may or not be because of this blog. But if it is… Yeah. I  can change that by not sharing every little detail.

Yeah I was stressed about my son being home schooled. But I realize that I cannot be putting myself under that kind of stress, especially while I’m pregnant, worrying over something I have no control over. The Thames Valley School Board gave the approval, and I will just have to trust my ex that he will do his best for our sons sake.
I  was impressed to hear that my ex is trying to get our son out into social settings. Yeah, there will come a time when our son will have to interact with the outside world. No matter how uncomfortable that is for an introvert.

I haven’t seen my son for about a month now. He’s stopped wanting to come over since he can’t take no for an answer, let alone handle any form of discipline. All the gifts he’s been given have been temporarily  stored away since he’s been so ungrateful. Ya know? We’re just trying to teach gratitude. All he has to do is say thank you once in awhile. A thank you can go a long ways.

And since he rarely visits these days, it just makes sense to convert his room into the baby’s room. The baby will be here 24/7. My daughter rarely misses visits. So she’s here on most weekends. She can keep her room. If and when my eldest son ever decides to visit, he is more than welcome to sleep on the couch.

Anyways, I decided I’m not going to stress over my sons behavior, attitude, or nonsense. He’s got some growing up to do. And I’ll just give that time. I have bigger things to focus on. Such as the baby on the way.

Maybe my son just needs a wake up call when it comes to reality. Time to get his head out of video games, and prepare him for the shit that society has in store. That way it won’t come as a big shock. And hopefully his father can provide that for him. Yes, as we “grow up”, adults have expectations and responsibilities. There’s no escaping that. Especially if you want to survive. A person will need to learn to take care of themselves, and be resourceful.

Not to mention, maybe this one on one time with his father can be beneficial. They used to butt heads, and their relationship was kinda rocky in the past. Maybe the time spent together, bonding, is just what he needs.

Over the weekend my ex said they walked home together from the theatre. That’s awesome. Not only does it get our son out and about,  but it gives our son that quality time that perhaps he desperately needs. Especially from his father figure.

So yeah, I’m not going to stress or judge. But have faith that my ex can get our son back on track, unlike the school system, that pretty much just gave up on him.

For a couple of weeks my man was feeling down when it comes to my children. I  mean, my sons sudden change of attitude. He went from liking my partner, to just shutting him out. Then my daughter saying that she doesn’t consider my man as part of the family. Yeah, that hurt him. He was asking himself, why does he even bother trying? But I’m here for him. We’ll get through this. I guess this kind of stuff is to be expected when it comes to step parents. So yeah, I’m grateful he hasn’t given up. One day they’ll see why mommy loves him. He has been amazing towards me, and my children. Even if they can’t see it. I don’t think every man would put his girlfriend, and her children ( that aren’t his) as a priority over themselves. So yeah, that’s special. ❤

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Anyways, I  had a good weekend with our daughter. She loves coming over. We baked 2 cakes, played board games, watched movies, blew bubbles, and of coarse she played with her favorite puppy in the world, Chewie. Those 2 are like best buds. It’s cute.

In other news, I have met up with a Doula twice so far. She’s been really helpful so far when it comes to preparing for the birth of my baby. We’ve come up with a birth plan, and are putting together questions for my doctor. I’m starting to feel more prepared the closer I get to my due date. She’s even giving me alternative ideas of things or positions to try during contractions. As well as tips of exercises that can help the baby get into the proper position so that it won’t be breech, and it will be ready when the time comes. She’s been very informative. So yeah, glad to have her as my doula.

What else? Art. I  just got confirmation a while back that the mini portrait of my man has arrived to New York. That’s a relief. I was starting to worry that it had gotten lost in the mail. All that hard work!! But nope, they got it! And my art will be in the Twitter Art Exhibit in NEW YORK!! It’s my third time participating, and donating my art for charity. I couldn’t be more proud!

Next up, Up with Art. I am almost done my painting for that event. Proceeds go to the Unity Project for relief of homelessness for men, women and youth. Having family members out there that are homeless, and having experienced it myself in the past, Homelessness and poverty are strong issues that I will do what I can to make a difference. In this case, art, which will help raise funds for a local shelter, that helps people get back on their feet so to speak.

I  will need to print out some registration forms at a library one of these days. Especially if I plan to participate in other upcoming art exhibitions, such as The Framing of the Phoenix and London Pride. So yeah, busy busy. There is also the Healing Palette, but I believe that is later on in the year. Not to forget that I have a commission piece to do for some peeps in the family.

So yeah, Pooks is still going strong. Waddle or no waddle. Haha! I am still working hard getting my alias name out there! Bwahahaha! Thanks for reading. Peace and love – Pooks

“To change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our perceptions.”

– Stephen R. Covey

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Fuck your Judgement

Hi.
To be honest, I  have been avoiding my blog lately. Sure it has it’s pros, but it also has it’s cons. The perks being that it keeps people within my life in check and even myself. Having time to think and analyze the events in my life, I don’t see how that can be a negative. It’s just me trying to understand things, or it releases some unwanted energy. My blog is not all negative. I do share positives within my life, my gratitude. And who knows, maybe my perspective as a native woman in this world can open some eyes.

The negative regarding blogging? Well… As it has happened numerous times, people in society or organizations have tried to use my blog against me. They follow my blog to gossip, or just become too overly nosy with my personal life. But I did bring that upon myself. That’s what happens when you are so open. Not everyone that reads is a fan, some just read to judge. That just comes with the territory.

I was considering the thought of ending this blog. But then, that would do me no good. I’m an introvert, and my thoughts,  good or bad, need to go somewhere. Yeah, I could write in a personal journal. But it’s not the same as sharing, and getting my thoughts out there. If I were to stop blogging, my thoughts and emotions would build up, and that wouldn’t be any good for my mental health. It would just lead to depression. Taking some time to reflect, is actually a good thing to practice. So why let others stop me from expressing myself? Thinking is not a crime. However, it is scary how society tries to control what you think. Or what you’re allowed to think.

However, if I told them how to think, I’m sure they would take offense.

I even found a site where someone clearly thinks I’m just a whiny bitch or something. Umm..no. But this blog is listed as #29 of the top people who feel sorry for themselves.
http://http://www.stylepinner.com/people-feeling-sorry-for-themselves/cGVvcGxlLWZlZWxpbmctc29ycnktZm9yLXRoZW1zZWx2ZXM/
Well, if they were in my predicament at the time, I’m pretty sure they too would come close to suicide. It’s painful for a parent to lose their child (or children). Either it be death, or C.A.S. So if you can’t comprehend how much pain that kind of loss puts on a parent, then shut the hell up.

Things have gotten better. I don’t see myself as someone that feels so sorry for themselves.  I’m actually quite grateful for a lot of things. When it comes to my children, I’m proud I never gave up. I fought damn hard just to get what I have, and that’s visits on weekends. At least I can still be a part of their lives.

Gotta love it when people judge and they don’t really know who the fuck you are, let alone your full story.

So yeah, fuck the nosy judgmental fucks! This blog will live on! Like I said before to someone that tried to intimidate me with their judgement on this blog before, at least I have the guts to be so open.

Besides, wither in positive or negative light, I’m still getting your attention. I don’t force people to read my blog, it’s the readers choice. So yeah, miigwech! 🙂 -Pooks

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“When dealing with critics always remember this: Critics judge things based on what is outside of their content of understanding.”

– Shannon L. Alder

Into an Abyss of Withdrawal

Honestly, I did not want to write today. But here I am writing anyways. It is just something I have to do. I can’t really explain it, but it is a part of what I am. A passion I can’t let slide no matter how depressed I may be feeling. It is a part of my purpose.

So now you know depression is the issue here. I didn’t want to write and just be a total downer. I’m not one to burden others with my shit. In person, as far as you know; “I’m fine.”

I guess a lot has hit me all at once over the holidays. A supposed best-friend rejects and kicks me to the curb just before Christmas for being “too offensive”. For being too honest. I guess people only say they respect and want honesty until they actually get it.

But then again, this is a person that has flat out told me she doesn’t like and only tolerates this other artist that paints hockey logos. Or as I referred to as the cock-eyed red head. But on Monday, there she is pretending to be all buddy buddy with her. Wow! Bravo! Someone should totally nominate this  woman for an Oscar Award. Her acting is astounding! Too bad this other person isn’t aware of her bullshit. I kinda feel bad she’s being played like that, even though me and this “cock eyed red head” did have our own issues in the past.

I personally would not be able to do that. Live a lie like that. Lying to myself and others. Seems like a shameful, deceitful way to live. But than again, I have come to the realization that not only are majority of the people cowards, but they are also fake ass people pleasers. They are not true to themselves. They are so concerned what the “others” will think about what they say, do, even appear. Clones. People mimicking people’s expectations. Sheep, just following the herd. Cowards that are just constantly lying to themselves. They come off as so rehearsed, saying the same lame catch phrases repeatedly for approval. Do you even know who the fuck you are? Like, seriously, deep down. I doubt it. People waste so much time kissing each-others asses their heads get lost up there. I guess I’m realizing just how rare genuine authentic people really are. How rare I am.

Anyways, maybe it’s karma. Even though I don’t normally believe in karma. I “unfriended” her spontaneously on FB in the past, but I at least gave an explanation and reason. I didn’t even get that. Just a cold shoulder, and a nose in the air. In the past, I did so so that she wasn’t caught in the middle of the drama between the “cock eyed red head” and I. If anything, I was trying to protect her from the drama and bullshit. But in this recent case, this other person isn’t even on FB, the person I was ranting about for snapping at me and making an unnecessary scene for sharing ideas. I guess small minds can’t comprehend that many ideas, they can only discuss gossip about people. Maybe I’ve just outgrown that crowd. Anyways, I was “unfriended” for venting. Wow, that is just fuckin dumb. This clearly shows, I need to make better friends.

Onto the other shit that hit me all at once, such as being ganged up on by fellow Idle No More members for bringing up an issue that affects and reflects on us all. I mean, if the person you steal from is aware that you are apart of Idle No More, yeah, that behavior will reflect on the whole movement. Perhaps I was hoping that whomever stole the 50 flags from the International Indigenous Unity Flag artist would do the honorable thing and either return the flags, or pay for them. It was a long shot hoping it would reach whomever was responsible. But the online bullying attack really put a damper on any hope I had for the movement, for a revolution. Just to see and experience first hand how easily they turn on their own, wow. That was devastating.

The troll on twitter calling me a thief, hobo and tramp. Rude remarks  instantly piss me off. Just ask my ex, he’s a pro at verbal abuse, and he wonders why I won’t take him back. Haha! It pisses me off more so coming from strangers that don’t even know me personally, not that my ex really knows me either and he’s always shooting his mouth off. So who the fuck is he to judge? Ya know? Not only that, but I am so fed up with sexism and discrimination, I get enough of that chauvinistic bullshit from my abusive ex, thank you very much!

Which brings me to another point that’s got me down lately, my children. Not seeing them over the holidays. Not seeing them for two straight weeks. I can’t help but feel blue as the time drags on. Supposedly my visit is scheduled for this upcoming Saturday. We’ll see. Excuse me if I just feel very pessimistic lately. This change affects our schedule we had going. Technically I should have seen them on the 3ird, but I didn’t, obviously. No idea why not. I mean, Merrymount was back open and running. So what’s the fuckin excuse?!

Anyways, as you may recall the personal research I was doing regarding the brain, and communication. Yeah, fuck that! I find myself becoming more withdrawn, not really wanting to engage or interact with people. People cannot be trusted. Everyone will just fuckin hurt you and stomp all over you. That is my conclusion to that.

Sure I attended the New School of Colour on Monday, but I wasn’t there to socialize. I only showed up to paint. Prior to making an appearance, I was saying to myself; “To go, or not to go. That is the question. That is always the question.” It took a lot just to motivate myself to leave the house.

That question pops up a lot lately, especially when it comes to events. “Do I really want to surround myself with people?” Not really.

Other than all that, I have been painting more at home. It temporarily takes my mind off things. Plus since I haven’t landed an actual job in London, I’ve been here for over a decade. I figure why bother trying to mold into your world? Your world sucks. Besides, it’s just not happening. So I might as well just do what I do, and that is art. I’m at a fuck-it-all point when it comes to society and the people in it. I’m just gonna do what the fuck I’m good at, fuck society, and their lame rules and expectations. I will paint and paint until my stone cold heart is content.

So 2015 has started off rather dark, but perhaps it’s only necessary. Pain tends to be what transforms a person. For better or for worse, I don’t know. One thing I can say is, no matter what, I’m going to keep it real and stick to honesty and truth. – Pooks

“The high-minded man must care more for the truth than for what people think.”- Aristotle

NOW FOR THE VISUALS…

Pooks sketch/ diagram of the Creative Process. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Pooks sketch/ diagram of the Creative Process. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

I gave myself a linear perspective assignment. - Pooks/ All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

I gave myself a linear perspective assignment. – Pooks/ All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Acrylic painting by Pooks using a brush and a mallet. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Acrylic painting by Pooks using a brush and a mallet. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Stirring the Emotional Riot

After an hour of just sitting here contemplating what to write, staring at this blank space…it’s time to write.

I feel like I’ve been trying to avoid what is on my mind. Maybe it will just be better if I get it out.

Next Tuesday there will be a Rally and March in Solidarity with Mike Brown, Ferguson, and all the victims of police violence.  I will be attending, because quite honestly, I think the police don’t hesitate to kill a coloured person in this racist world. It happens way too often. I am reminded of Dudley George, whom was also killed by a police officer.

Colour is not a crime, for some reason we are the targets. Gaza, Palestine, Israel, all colour. Whose supplying the weapons? U.S? U.K? Obviously a wealthy old white man. If you think about Pipeline number 9, where it begins and ends, are aboriginal communities that experience the side effects. I know when I say side effects, it doesn’t sound like much, but literally these communities lives are put at risk. Besides the pipeline, Aamjiwnaang First Nations are exposed to the pollutants in “Chemical Valley”. Many community members there have died from cancer. Apparently, people of colour are on top of the list of extermination.

My ex told me to look of Georgia’s Stone, and what I found was frightful. Carved in stone are the following words; “Maintain humanity under 500,000,000.” That’s just one of the “commandments” written by man. Limiting the population of the earth to 500 million will require the EXTERMINATION of nine-tenths of the world’s people. That means, only 10% whom they choose, will be worthy of living.

Well no wonder your Government is trying to poison you with GMO’s, and fuck up your natural resources, they are literally trying to kill you.

As for the police, they supposedly serve and protect. Serve and protect who? Definitely not the people. I mean, they’ll show up at peaceful rallies and make arrests no problem. Yet, our Government is full of criminals, and not a single arrest is made. Instead of fighting for peace, they fight against it. The only thing they serve and protect are the interests of the Capitalists.

I think what these police officers fail to see is that without their uniform, they too are just one of the people. Not the 1%, but part of the 99%.

I fear for all people of colour, as well for anyone within the working-class or lower.  I fear for my children that are being brought up into all this. My son has already experienced some discrimination in the education system, and he’s not even 10 years old yet.

Racism seems to be an ancient form of hate we keep passing on. Partly why I turned away from religion. After doing some research and realizing it teaches people to hate each-other, and doesn’t allow people to think for themselves.

I don’t believe in a heaven, and I don’t believe in a hell. I believe those are nothing but fiction, made to induce fear so the elites can control you. The only heaven and hell there is, is what we make it here on earth. And unfortunately, too many people would rather make it a living hell. Especially the people in power. They are the ones promising you eternal life if you slave your asses off for them, so they can continue to live in luxury. Not only that, but the bible gives off the impression that if you make money, you are worthy to go to heaven. If that doesn’t make you think, or question it all, then what the fuck? Like seriously, they try to convince you, or already have for majority of the religious population, that everything will be better when you are dead. You are expected to waste your life, serving them like a machine for their sake. Meanwhile, maybe your purpose here is far greater than that.

I believe each life is valuable. Unlike capitalists that value money over life. I believe every single person was given their own unique gift to contribute to the land, and to each-other. Not for the capitalists selfish needs.

The way things are going saddens and concerns me. In a way I wish the people would just go on a Global Riot. Show your pain, show them your hurting. Tear their system down. I don’t mean to go hurting each-other, these are times when we need each-other the most.  Our differences and false illusions that separate us from each-other need to be put aside. Your blood is as red as mine. Sometimes, in order to change things, you need to deviate. It won’t happen if you’re too scared. Make as much noise as you can, because your life matters, you are valuable, and the generations that follow, their lives matter too. – Pooks

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” – Martin Luther King Jr.