Fuck your Judgement

Hi.
To be honest, I  have been avoiding my blog lately. Sure it has it’s pros, but it also has it’s cons. The perks being that it keeps people within my life in check and even myself. Having time to think and analyze the events in my life, I don’t see how that can be a negative. It’s just me trying to understand things, or it releases some unwanted energy. My blog is not all negative. I do share positives within my life, my gratitude. And who knows, maybe my perspective as a native woman in this world can open some eyes.

The negative regarding blogging? Well… As it has happened numerous times, people in society or organizations have tried to use my blog against me. They follow my blog to gossip, or just become too overly nosy with my personal life. But I did bring that upon myself. That’s what happens when you are so open. Not everyone that reads is a fan, some just read to judge. That just comes with the territory.

I was considering the thought of ending this blog. But then, that would do me no good. I’m an introvert, and my thoughts,  good or bad, need to go somewhere. Yeah, I could write in a personal journal. But it’s not the same as sharing, and getting my thoughts out there. If I were to stop blogging, my thoughts and emotions would build up, and that wouldn’t be any good for my mental health. It would just lead to depression. Taking some time to reflect, is actually a good thing to practice. So why let others stop me from expressing myself? Thinking is not a crime. However, it is scary how society tries to control what you think. Or what you’re allowed to think.

However, if I told them how to think, I’m sure they would take offense.

I even found a site where someone clearly thinks I’m just a whiny bitch or something. Umm..no. But this blog is listed as #29 of the top people who feel sorry for themselves.
http://http://www.stylepinner.com/people-feeling-sorry-for-themselves/cGVvcGxlLWZlZWxpbmctc29ycnktZm9yLXRoZW1zZWx2ZXM/
Well, if they were in my predicament at the time, I’m pretty sure they too would come close to suicide. It’s painful for a parent to lose their child (or children). Either it be death, or C.A.S. So if you can’t comprehend how much pain that kind of loss puts on a parent, then shut the hell up.

Things have gotten better. I don’t see myself as someone that feels so sorry for themselves.  I’m actually quite grateful for a lot of things. When it comes to my children, I’m proud I never gave up. I fought damn hard just to get what I have, and that’s visits on weekends. At least I can still be a part of their lives.

Gotta love it when people judge and they don’t really know who the fuck you are, let alone your full story.

So yeah, fuck the nosy judgmental fucks! This blog will live on! Like I said before to someone that tried to intimidate me with their judgement on this blog before, at least I have the guts to be so open.

Besides, wither in positive or negative light, I’m still getting your attention. I don’t force people to read my blog, it’s the readers choice. So yeah, miigwech! 🙂 -Pooks

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“When dealing with critics always remember this: Critics judge things based on what is outside of their content of understanding.”

– Shannon L. Alder

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Light does Shine Through

Things are starting to look up this month. And perhaps I’ll be able to see my children sooner than I had thought. Maybe I won’t have to wait until March.

Anyways, since Merrymount cannot forward my message regarding visits, I’ll do it myself, in a very public manner.

Thanks to the Trillium money that came in, I was able to get myself bus tickets. I still have $20 left over that I can use for this upcoming Friday visit. So it’s a go. If I manage not to spend the whole $20 during that visit, and at least hold onto $1.35 (bus fare for a child, that I was short on), then the visit on the 21st is also a go ahead. Mind you I’ll need to hit a food bank, but that’s okay. And if I’m missing anything I’ll need for the 4 meals during their weekend visit, I’ll ask Merrymount to browse through their food cupboard, since they had offered that service when I had e-mailed them to cancel the visits. I couldn’t take up their offer then, I had no means of transportation at the time. But I can take up that offer now if be.

When it comes to Food Banks, I know for sure that I can whip something up for 2 lunches and a dinner. It’s something I can give my children for breakfast that has me concerned. Anyways, I’ll go to a Food Bank next week and see what I get.

If we go to the dollar store for their snacks, and beverages during the Friday visit, instead of the convenient store, holding onto $1.35 out of $20 shouldn’t be a problem.

So yeah. I’m pretty sure the next 3 visits, for the remainder of the month, can still go on. OW should be in before the end of the month, and I should be okay for the 28th.

Meaning, I only missed out on one weekend visit. The rest of the visits are still very possible. Yaaaay! The clouds in my world can now clear.

I think I just needed to change my state of mind. Which I have made some changes. Especially online. Rather than bombarding myself with bad news, I replaced most of it with inspiration and art.

I was adsorbing too much negativity, and yeah, that shit can literally kill you. It can drive you to a frightfully deep depression, a state of hopelessness, and suicide. I was talking to a stranger on Twitter, who in fact was concerned for my well-being because of how dark I’ve become. I believe his words were; “I can sense a suicidal tendency in you.” So yeah, perhaps it was time to change my perspective. I need to seek out positive things, happy things, inspiring things… such things do exist. I just need to find them.

I recall something my Leads worker said once, and that was that I need more optimism in my life. She’s right. It’s time to take care of myself. Time to do some healing.

Speaking of Leads, I missed my appointment again. Last week, and this week. It will be reported to my OW worker. But I did make an effort. This week I actually got out of bed, I was showered, getting ready, but my timing was off. Although the sudden motivation was there.

It was after e-mailing back and forth with her that I started to feel better. Perhaps not all people are bad, and there is something about this person that I do look forward to. Not only that, she’s been extremely patient and understanding with me. That I can respect. Therefore, she deserves the effort.

Thanks to an art friend, that messages me online on FB. He knew I wasn’t feeling 100%. He did ask what was wrong, and I told him that I did not want to burden him with my problems. So he went on to talking about other things such as music, art, and other things that made me giggle. After awhile I started to feel like myself again. So thanks to him for being there. For being a friend when I needed one.

I find myself picking myself back up, with some unexpected assistance that I am very grateful for.

Anyways, all this was just a reminder; it’s Pooks, maggot on the rise, not maggot on the fall. Haha! It’s a little Slipknot fan metaphor there. Fellow maggots will get it. 😉

It’s funny how you think you’re going, or you’re meant for a certain direction, but then BAM! Nope, perhaps that’s not my path. You live, and you learn. You’ll never know if you don’t give things a try. I know I am extremely sensitive to energy, but perhaps that is meant to be used for my art, and not activism. I think I’ll try to be more careful of how much negativity I take in. Like I said, it can be dangerous. For now, I really need to seek out the positive things in life.  – Pooks

“The only time you fail is when you fall down and stay down.”- Stephen Richards

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©