Just thought I should leave a link here of where my fabulous journey continues. As this Blog Site comes to an end…another begins…
Hope to see you there! -Pooks
Just thought I should leave a link here of where my fabulous journey continues. As this Blog Site comes to an end…another begins…
Hope to see you there! -Pooks
So now that we supposedly patch things up over the weekend. My supposed man is now creating various social media accounts. Kinda creepy. Considering he’s not all that interested in social media. But I guess he wants to find my last blog post as a reason to get upset again. Even though we’re supposedly on good terms, let’s go find something regarding our past to dwell on and get pissy all over again! So yeah, we’re not 100% okay. Things are still a bit rocky.
Not to mention these sudden new accounts come across as being controlling and possesive. Ya know? Stalk me online to make sure I stay in line or something.
I’m allowed to think. I’m allowed to feel what I feel. And I am allowed to fuckin express it!
So all these new accounts online kinda shows that I am not trusted. Without trust we have nothing. But he says he’s just curious to what I am saying.He probably won’t like what he sees. But hey! As I told others, if you don’t like what you’re reading, and you know it’s about you, then be a positive in my life. Not a negative.
Yes I may use my exes past behavior as a prime example of everything I don’t want. And maybe having alcohol and a baby in the house is triggering some shit. A part of me is terrified things will just repeat itself and I will lose another child to another white man. Even though I AM the sober and drug-free one.
Ya know? Before our daughter was born, I thought I would be okay with this supposed “casual” or “social” drinking thing. But clearly I’m not. It throws me in for a loop of fear, and paranoia.
However, over the weekend, my supposed man didn’t drink, and he spent time with his daughter. After I dumped him of coarse. Then he’ll straighten up. But I guess supposedly, I need to speak up, and not be afraid to ask for help. I shouldn’t have to ask. And what if its not help I need. I just wanted him to spend time with his daughter. He should be willing to take time out of his day for his daughter regardless. His time is more valuable than anything he has to offer, or that his money can buy. She, or anyone for that matter, values moments. Moments create memories. Memories can be cherished and are more meaningful than any material thing.
Perhaps years of being on and off OW taught me that. Poverty taught me that. The Ark and the people I met there taught me that, including the homeless.
So yeah. Thank him for spending time with his daughter this weekend. That was all I wanted. If he has been before, and I just didn’t notice. Sorry. I’m just expressing my perspective, and from what I saw, it was like we were avoided.
As for the constant cleaning, we came to the conclusion that it is his OCD.So yeah, if I don’t speak up, he will just continue to constantly clean because it is never ending. I mean, the sink will just refill with dishes, laundry will just re-pile. Makes sense. Since before our daughter was even born, the only way I could get his attention away from housework, was sex. And look what happened. We now have a daughter, and it’s not like our daughter can do the same to distract him for time. So yeah, the chores can wait sometimes. Or as he displayed this weekend, he can do chores and spend time with our daughter at the same time. Ya know? It is possible. He had put her swing in the kitchen, and as he did chores, she sat on her swing and watched him. Maybe one day, she’ll woddle over and try to help. Lol
Anyways, apparently a rehabilitation Centre from Toronto called him at work today…They talked and say he doesn’t have a drinking problem…That’s reassurring. However when we were arguing about it, he’ll sure defend that shit. And when I told him that I wanted alcohol out for good, what did he do? He stormed out of the room. That really upset him.
But he did come back and say that he wouldn’t be able to afford alcohol anyways if we move to this new place together. It would be like a fresh start. So I am giving him another chance.
However, if we end up arguing about alcohol there. That’s it. I’ll put a stop to it quick and leave with our daughter. She doesn’t need to be in the middle of that. Nor do my other 2 children. So yeah, he’s been warned.
As for his older sister. She just made it awkward for herself the next time we come face to face, because now I know how she really feels about me and my man and I’s daughter. Saying she’s not his. Or “doesn’t even look like him”. So she thinks I’m a slut or something eh?! HA! Let’s see if she can say it to my face next time. If you ask me, she’s the stupid one to think my man wouldn’t tell me. Smh.
Anyways, with this new place we plan on moving into together…yes the budget will be tight. My man ( or supposed man. Whatever. Things are still a bit rocky) says he won’t be able to afford to drink, and to make ends meet he may have to take extra jobs. So yeah. I want to help keep things afloat. But like I said many times, London doesn’t hire natives. So I got to think of another way of making income, besides my art. Which sells the odd time. It’s not stable income. I was thinking of being a surveyer. Actually I made an attempt, but that wasn’t working. As I was trying to fill out a survey, my daughter would swat at my cell phone and close the survey. So perhaps being a surveyer with a squirmy baby with energy isn’t the thing for me.
My man suggested a home business. Refurbishing hardwood furniture, and even painting art on them. Maybe, but even that will take time to get the ball rolling.
So I was thinking, another way would be to get paid to write. Either I can get paid to continue to blog. This could be the last one here, and I could start a new domain, a continuation, where subscribers pay, or donate. Not sure how things work business wise on WordPress… but I’ll look into it.
Or… The continuation will come in the form of a book that maybe I could sell on Amazon. I published a book before, on Lulu, and yeah. I don’t make anything off it.
Either way, this may be the last blog post here.
I enjoy writing, so yeah. It’s worth a shot.
And maybe, just like my son, change scares me. I have lived in this house for 5 years, and now I have no choice but to leave. I got comfortable and cozy here, but it is unsafe, and it’s a health hazzard. So yeah. It’s another one of those times where I leap into the unknown. But if I hadn’t leaped before, I wouldn’t have come across the New School of Colour, and that place provided me with a wonderful healing experience. So yeah, good things could be coming if I take another leap.
Soon it will be; Good bye EOA!, and hello to a new beginning. -Pooks
To be honest, I have been avoiding my blog lately. Sure it has it’s pros, but it also has it’s cons. The perks being that it keeps people within my life in check and even myself. Having time to think and analyze the events in my life, I don’t see how that can be a negative. It’s just me trying to understand things, or it releases some unwanted energy. My blog is not all negative. I do share positives within my life, my gratitude. And who knows, maybe my perspective as a native woman in this world can open some eyes.
The negative regarding blogging? Well… As it has happened numerous times, people in society or organizations have tried to use my blog against me. They follow my blog to gossip, or just become too overly nosy with my personal life. But I did bring that upon myself. That’s what happens when you are so open. Not everyone that reads is a fan, some just read to judge. That just comes with the territory.
I was considering the thought of ending this blog. But then, that would do me no good. I’m an introvert, and my thoughts, good or bad, need to go somewhere. Yeah, I could write in a personal journal. But it’s not the same as sharing, and getting my thoughts out there. If I were to stop blogging, my thoughts and emotions would build up, and that wouldn’t be any good for my mental health. It would just lead to depression. Taking some time to reflect, is actually a good thing to practice. So why let others stop me from expressing myself? Thinking is not a crime. However, it is scary how society tries to control what you think. Or what you’re allowed to think.
However, if I told them how to think, I’m sure they would take offense.
I even found a site where someone clearly thinks I’m just a whiny bitch or something. Umm..no. But this blog is listed as #29 of the top people who feel sorry for themselves.
Well, if they were in my predicament at the time, I’m pretty sure they too would come close to suicide. It’s painful for a parent to lose their child (or children). Either it be death, or C.A.S. So if you can’t comprehend how much pain that kind of loss puts on a parent, then shut the hell up.
Things have gotten better. I don’t see myself as someone that feels so sorry for themselves. I’m actually quite grateful for a lot of things. When it comes to my children, I’m proud I never gave up. I fought damn hard just to get what I have, and that’s visits on weekends. At least I can still be a part of their lives.
Gotta love it when people judge and they don’t really know who the fuck you are, let alone your full story.
So yeah, fuck the nosy judgmental fucks! This blog will live on! Like I said before to someone that tried to intimidate me with their judgement on this blog before, at least I have the guts to be so open.
Besides, wither in positive or negative light, I’m still getting your attention. I don’t force people to read my blog, it’s the readers choice. So yeah, miigwech! 🙂 -Pooks
“When dealing with critics always remember this: Critics judge things based on what is outside of their content of understanding.”
– Shannon L. Alder
Well I guess I do have time to blog today. I thought my Leads appointment was today, but apparently it was yesterday. The date my worker had written on my appointment card was different from what she had put in her book. So yeah, there has been some confusion, and clearly I missed my appointment. But I will see her on the 26th. The day after my birthday. Hooray! Haha!
Newho, where to begin? Hold on… I need to check where I had left off…
Oh right! Game night! That was fun. I had my boyfriend and a couple friends over and we played Cards Against Humanity. Hahaha! That is a very interesting, twisted game. Umm.. Thanks to my bestie for bringing over the tea, and buying us a large pizza to split. Good times!
Thursday was kind of a blur last week. Probably just a regular day.
On Friday I met more of my mans side of the family. Such as his mother, her boyfriend, and my boyfriends brothers and sisters. That evening we sat outdoors at my mans brothers place, had some beers, and just talked, chilled. I was kinda put on the spot with some questions, but I was very honest. For example; my boyfriends mothers boyfriend sensed that I had a dark side to me, and asked if I cut myself. Honestly, I don’t, but I used to many years ago. I find now that there is no need for it anymore, that suppression. Ya know? I used to do it to suppress my emotions. But now look at me, through my art and writing, I have become quite expressive, and there is no shame in doing so.
Anyways, it was funny that they said I was a definite upgrade from my boyfriends last girlfriend. So yeah, yaaaaay!
They were surprised to hear that I had a book published. I mean, yes, that is quite the accomplishment. But looking at it now, I would like to do another one. But better. And maybe have it edited before publishing. Haha! I don’t know. I noticed there are some grammar mistakes within the first one. So I consider it my “rookie” book. I kinda threw whatever material I had over the years, slopped it all together, and voila! There’s my first book! I might do something similar with the second, chaotic, not in any specific order. Just because that’s just me. But at least spell checked! Haha! Not yet though.
Newho, if you are interested in checking out my “rookie” book, “Random Thoughts of an Alien Goddess”, it’s only available on Lulu. I will provide the link here:
“Random Thoughts of an Alien Goddess” basically a self portrait in many forms so to speak. However, I can’t recall if I mentioned why I call myself an alien goddess within the book or not. Those that have been following my blog for a long period of time already know. I refer to myself as an alien because I don’t quite fit into your world, and I’m kind of alienated. I’m a non-conformist to put it bluntly. But that’s okay. I’ve learned to love and accept that about myself. As for the goddess thing, that is based on a quote said by Pablo Picasso regarding women. He said they are either door-mats or goddesses. And yeah, I made my choice.
I don’t think I mentioned the cover either within my book. I mean, the time frame it was taken was discussed within the book. Yes it is a nude, but still modest and showing nothing. But basically, that “selfie” was taken after weeks of depression, starvation, and sleeping. After my attempt of a slow suicide years ago. That picture captured my awakening. Waking up as “Pooks”, not the same as I was before, wither I realized it at the time or not.
My man’s family gave my man a wonderful idea, which is basically to turn one of my poems in the book into a song. That would be cool!
Anyways, moving on.
On Saturday a reunion was held at my boyfriends sisters place. I even brought my own children there, and they were too shy to really interact and socialize with the other children. Ya know? New people. New Environment. A comment was said to me to “cut the cord already”, because they were being clingy. But it’s understandable. Going somewhere surrounded by strangers for the first time. I mean yes, my daughter is always clingy regardless. She is my youngest. But I am working on that, and she is aware of it lately. I think she’s starting to get it. Some space between us can be good.
I guess when they were speaking with the other children, my daughter said that if my boyfriend and I get married, that my boyfriends siblings would become their aunts and uncles. One of my boyfriends sisters disagreed, but my daughter is right. She’s is a smart cookie 😉 Anyways, it’s just funny that my boyfriend and I were the topic of discussion.
Which reminds me, over the weekend my daughter said if anyone tries to mess with my boyfriends and I’s relationship, she will kick them in the bum. Haha! It makes me happy that my boyfriend and my kids get along. I mean, I am lucky to have found someone that accepts my children, includes them as part of the package because they are a huge part of me and my life. As for my children accepting my boyfriend, clearly they must see how much he makes me happy.
Anyways, starting to get freakin mushy on you. that’s enough of that. Moving on.
Sunday, after I dropped my kids off at their house. I returned to my boyfriends place. He went to bed early, and I stayed up to watch a movie. Anyways, I fell asleep on the couch, and at 3am, my boyfriend woke up wondering where the heck I was. So he got up and found me sleeping on the couch, and then carried me to bed. I normally freak out when I’m lifted up off my feet. Fear of heights here. Newho, I guess I was really peaceful while I was asleep. I just thought that was sweet.
Monday!! I forget.
Tuesday was the New School of Colour and I worked on my painting. Although, my sleeve smudged it as I was holding up someone elses art piece so that they can sign the back of their art. So yeah. Guuuuuh!! More shit to fix up. I decided to make it look intentional, so I expressed my frustration, and added more sporadic smudges. Haha! Problem solved. Don’t freakin tell there isn’t any freakin problem solving to do when it comes to art. Omigosh! I swear, it’s always something.
Wednesday I painted some more at my boyfriends place. During one of our hikes in the past, I picked up a rock that I wanted to paint on. However I was having trouble regarding what to paint on it, and my boyfriend gave me an awesome suggestion. He suggested that I browse through his Chinese/ English dictionary, pick a work that I think defines him, and paint that on the rock. So that’s what I did. Except more. I painted some photography I did of storm clouds on the rock, and I put “Both Beautiful and Intelligent” written in Chinese on it. I was quite proud of it when I was done.
Today, I thought I had a Leads appointment, but nope. After checking my e-mail, I realize that my appointment was actually yesterday. So instead, I posted an ad up on Kijiji for my man. He’s trying to sell two puppies here in London,ON. Check out the ad if you are interested. The puppies are soooo cute!
Speaking of the puppies. The only male shiatsu finally got a home. My man gave him as a gift to his mom. Omigod! Did my man and I go though a lot of b.s over that puppy. Not from his mom either, but from this old lady that owns a black shiatsu already in my mans neighborhood. She claims her dog is the father, and that she has the right to a free male puppy. Ummm no. Not to forget that another male shiatsu could be a possible father, so there is no certainty which one is the father. My man gave the owner of the other shiatsu $50, and offered this woman the same. She didn’t accept it. So my man offered to sell her a puppy for $200, and she didn’t take that offer either. I mean, he had already promised his mother a male puppy years before this woman came along. So yeah, she was a nut case. I mean, she was text messaging my man, saying that if god wants it to be, it will be, and stuff like that. And saying God will make him lose his job, lose his girlfriend, his home, so on and so forth….OVER THIS PUPPY?!!
I mean, it sure didn’t seem like “god” was tampering with our relationship. More like she was, approaching me, while my mans at work, calling him a liar and a jackass behind his back.
Her attempt to talk to me about it was just plain dumb. I’m a bit of a hard-ass. Based on her crappy behavior, I told my man to tell her to go fuck herself, long before he decided that she’s getting squat. He made attempts to be fair, because he’s nice like that.
Yeah, I kinda ranted on Twitter about that whole situation briefly. #NoShiatsuForYou Haha!
Newho, Glads that’s over with. Glad the male puppy is safely out of the area, and in a new home. My man told this woman that if she bothers us again, he’s gonna charge her for harassment and slander. So yeah, haven’t heard a peep from her since. Thank goodness!
Anyways, I need to get something to eat. I’m hungry. So I shall end it there. Thanks for reading! – Pooks
“I have learned that to be with those I like is enough”- Walt Whitman
I guess I’ll work on my blog while I can. At least before I gotta get my place tidied up for game night with friends.
I’m not quite sure where to begin…a lot has happened.
Since there was no New School of Colour session last Tuesday, my bestie and I went on a trip to Kitchener, and while we were there we basically went mall hopping within Kitchener, Waterloo, and Cambridge. It was an interesting day that’s for sure. However, since we had gotten to an extremely early start that day, we both were fighting off sleep on the express bus. Too funny. Our first stop was at Davids Tea, of coarse. For lunch, we wanted to try to go to a restaurant that wasn’t in London, but we went to Coras (which is in London). But I have never been there before, so that was cool. A lot of the stores were the same in each mall. But hey, that didn’t really matter. I was chillin with my bestie, and we got out of London for the day. I was just grateful that she thought of me to join her on this trip.
On Wednesday, I had my Leads appointment. My worker and I did some interview practice since I did get a call back for an interview which was booked for Thursday. She also surprised me with some copies of volunteer job descriptions, one for retail in the gift shop at the London Museum. And the other was to be a tour guide at the London Museum. I decided that I’ll send a resume for the retail position, since that is pretty much the direction I have been going. Plus, I tend to sell myself short I guess, and don’t really think I am ready for the tour guide thing. It requires public speaking. Even though the experience would be amazing. I don’t know. Maybe in the future, but not yet.
Thursday I had my job interview at The Roots Cellar. The position is for a dishwasher, which anyone that knows me knows that I despise dishes. But, I decided that I was going to swallow my pride, and just try to get my foot in the door when it comes to the work field. Anyways, the interviewer was very nice. I mean, I was expecting to be more anxious and nervous, but I wasn’t. And the questions seemed rather simple, I just answered honestly. So yeah, it went by rather quickly. Wither that is a good thing or not, I don’t know. But kudos to me for actually following through and showing up to the interview. I was motivated for a change.
My boyfriend has been very supportive. I think he was happier about the interview than I was. But yeah, whatever. It’s nice to have the support. I mean, not only that, but he proudly brags about the book I wrote, and shows my art to as many people as possible. Haha! So yes, he’s very proud of me. It’s kinda nice to feel that appreciated.
On Friday, that was my 4 hour visit with my children, and we went to a park we’ve never been to before. It was called Nicholas Wilson Park, and it had more than one playground on it. So that was cool. We had options.
On Saturday, my boyfriend took me hiking. I swear, my shins always get bit by a thorn bush on these hikes. But yeah, totally worth it. We ventured into a nice quiet forest. And yeah, it was nice. While he dug around in the dirt looking for treasure. Hehe! My own personal pirate! I no longer have to tell Ducky to put a pirate into her paintings, I got my own. Haha! Anyways, while he did his excavating, I got to maintain the fire. That was fun! I’m lucky my man is kind of a bush man, he knows his shtuff when it comes to the outdoors. So no worries. It was safe.
We did get rained on a bit, but that was okay. We cooked our hot dogs over the fire anyways. Umm…oh yeah, we saw 3 turkeys, and 1 deer. That was awesome! The turkeys look so funny running through a field. Can’t really help but giggle at the sight. As for the deer, at first we thought it was a decoy, it was THAT still. But when it jumped away. Yeah, that proved otherwise. And man those things can jump!
On Sunday, I got to meet some of my boyfriends friends from an apartment building he used to live in around the Cherryhill area. Anyways, they were sweet. They seemed like nice people. There were a lot of sweet elderly folk there I noticed. And they all say the same thing about my man, he’s a gentleman. Awww… 🙂
Oh yeah, over the weekend my man and I made home-made chicken noodle soup. Which I have tried and it’s delish! Well…most of the credit goes to the boyfriend, I just made the rice and the pasta. Pretty easy stuff. Haha!
On Monday, I think that was the day I was moseying around my boyfriends apartment, while he cleaned and did other stuff. I find when he gets in that mode, just stay out of the way. He gets pretty focused and determined to get shit done. He even bathed Molly, and her puppies. That was cute! They’re all pure bred shiatsu’s. And the puppies are just a bundle of cuteness overload. My man plans on selling 2 of them, and 1 is spoken for, and the other he is keeping.
Yesterday was the New School of Colour, it re-opened. So yaaay! I got to reunite with muh art peeps! I did work on my oil painting again. I didn’t get too much done though, as I showed up late. And it looks as though that someone had spilled coffee on my canvas. So I got some fixing up to do. Sigggh….
Anywho…back to cleaning up for game night. Hope you enjoyed. I’ll write again when I can! Much love! – Pooks
“Live your truth. Express your love. Share your enthusiasm. Take action towards your dreams. Walk your talk. Dance and sing to your music. Embrace your blessings. Make today worth remembering.”
– Steve Maraboli
Back on schedule! It’s been a week since my last post, so voila! Here I am!!
I am happy to say that my boyfriend and I worked things out, and we’re going strong! So yaaaay! I’m actually kinda surprised how many people were happy for us. So yeah, as surprising as it is, I appreciate the support, encouragement, praise, or whatever you call it.
Just when you think you’re a couple of hermits, there’s people watching. O_O Lol. But whatever. I’m used to it. I kinda put the spotlight on myself through this blog. Sometimes there’s more people reading than I realize. But I usually try not to pay attention to that. The point of this blog is my opportunity to reflect, and share. It helps me mentally. Things don’t get bottled up. I write it out, and keep moving on…wither or not anything I write is valuable information or not, yaaay! It’s good for my mental health anyways. Wither my readers get anything from it or not. So miigwetch, if you’ve been following my journey and reading whatever comes out of my head. So yeah, it’s been quite a ride!
Moving on… My man is amazing. I’ve been showered with gifts, and flowers. Which includes a necklace that I wear every day now, that has 2 hearts on it that is to resemble the meaning of being together. He got me a bouquet of red roses, and when purchasing them, he told me he demanded a blue ribbon. The store clerk told him that it would not match the bouquet, but he didn’t care and just told her it HAD TO BE BLUE. Haha! (In case you don’t know, blue is my favorite colour). Not only that, but he got me 4 canvases to paint on, and he even got the picture I drew for him framed and hung up on his wall. Isn’t that awesome?! So he’s definitely not in the dog house anymore so to speak. We both have trouble explaining things verbally, and well…there was a misunderstanding. That was all.
It doesn’t stop there though. Earlier this week he told me to visit his work site so he can give me the keys to his apartment, and said there was a surprise for me on the coffee table. So I did go see him at work, picked up the keys, and when I got to his place there it was. The surprise was this unique blue bottle that he used for a vase. There was a rose in it from the last bouquet, along with flowers he picked himself. On the bottle he wrote in large letters; Can you be my love? Wow. He is amazing! I think my favorite, out of all the bouquets, are the ones that he picks himself. Even though after they sit around in a vase for awhile, they tend to stink up the apartment. Haha! You know, they decay, and go bad. But still, those are my favorite.
Anyways, there are other things that have happened lately. I think I forgot to mention that I met with my new Leads worker last week, and yeah, we’re gonna pick up where my other worker left off. So that’s cool. I don’t have to start over, or anything like that. She seems like a nice lady. The first thing she did was reassure me that she’s not one of those people that thinks she’s more “privileged”, we are all equal. That’s a good start. I’m beginning to think that the workers there are aware that I am a sensitive case, the rare idealist. But since over the years, they’ve been good to me, so I stick with their services. So yeah, my appointments are booked for every two weeks on a Wednesday. Not this past Wednesday, but next Wednesday is my next appointment. I should probably double check that….
Newho…Last weekend I had my children over, and we had a good visit. However I do wish I could get them outdoors more. It is summer, not winter. So yeah, I get kinda bored doing the same thing over and over indoors. My son goes on the computer, and my daughter and I play with stuffies… I need to switch it up sometimes. I need variety. I need to get outdoors. So the water fight was a good idea, and my boyfriend was there to participate as well. We even had water guns. It was fun. I got soaked.
Anyways, umm… my ex, ya know? I text messaged him Sunday morning to see if he was going to be able to pick up the kids. He said yes. But as the day progressed he said he was going to be late. Then he said went to rest his eyes for 5 minutes and fell asleep for 3 hours, then he said he missed the bus, and then he didn’t think he was going to be able to catch the last bus or not make it back to his home in time with the children… Then he was going to try to find a ride, couldn’t find one. And yeah, said he’d pick the kids up in the morning.
So yeah, don’t ask me – what the fuck?! It was frustrating. But in the end, I got an extra night with my kids, and they were happy to stay another night.
Normally after the pick up (or drop off at 8pm) I go to my boyfriends apartment, and he’s got dinner waiting for me. Well…this time, it didn’t quite work out that way. My boyfriend even had a candle light dinner planned. But that’s okay. Because my boyfriend is so freakin awesome, he brought dinner to us, my children and I. So we ate shepherds pie together at the table. It was nice.
My ex arrived the next morning with coffee, muffins and donuts. I walked with our children and him downtown. He lent me $40.00 so that I can afford to have them over this weekend. My budget is tight, especially considering neither my G.S.T, nor trillium arrived this month. So I appreciate the extra help when it comes to my visits with our children.
Umm… what else? I returned to the New School of Colour this past Tuesday, but didn’t work on my oil painting. I worked on something else, and socialized with muh fellow peeps!
Speaking of the New School of Colour, it will be closed next week. But that is okay. My bestie and I have already made arrangements and we’re going to be going to Kitchener for the day! That’ll be my traveling this year. It’s going to be fun. We’ll make it fun!
Today I went out for lunch with my bestie, and yeah, all she could talk about was this certain someone in her life. It’s cute. Kinda like the way I talk and gush about my boyfriend. Sounds like they really like each-other anyways. Ya know? She deserves someone that’ll treat her good. Ahem, unlike her ex. But I think I made my opinion of him obvious in the past. So yeah, I don’t need to go there. She’s happy now, and as her friend, that’s all that matters to me.
Anyways, back to cleaning! Gotta prepare for another weekend with muh babies! I miss my man, but I know I’ll see him either Sunday, or Monday. So yeah, hope you enjoyed the reading material, and I’ll post sometime next week when I can! – Pooks
“Art and love are the same thing: It’s the process of seeing yourself in things that are not you.”
– Chuck Klosterman
Just got back in, so I got a bit of time to sit down and type. Yaaaay!
Newho, last weekend my children and I celebrated my daughters birthday. I made her a vanilla birthday cake. She loved it. It was also the long weekend, so when we went to the park, we got to see fireworks going off in the neighborhood. It was cool. One kind teenager even gave my daughter a sparkler. So thanks to that kind young lady, my daughter loved it while it lasted.
Overall, it was a good weekend. It just ended kinda stressful. I just had to misplace my keys, and I noticed they were missing when it was time to take my children back to Merrymount. Anyways, as time went on with my search for the keys, by this time, I knew I wasn’t going to make it there on time. So I sent a message to Merrymount, saying something along the lines of forwarding a message to my ex to come to my house for the pick up. To make things more stressful, Merrymount could not arrange that and suggested that I either contact my ex, or someone we both know and trust to help out with the exchange. Well…obviously I don’t associate with my ex’s crowd and vise-versa. So yeah, I was in a bit of a pickle. I guess they were giving my ex a hard time on his end as well. Luckily for me, I was able to find his number and contact him directly. So yeah, now he has my number. But when he came to pick up our kids, he agreed, regarding keeping our communication to minimum.
My ex was saying we should just cut Merrymount out all together. I don’t know, he was concerned that they were going to call the police or something. Seriously? I just misplaced my keys, and threw it in the laundry. That happens sometimes. It’s not a crime.
But then again, another crazy suggestion from my ex was to go off radar. Well that would mean give up one of my passions. Writing this blog. He wants me to shut it down. Umm..no.
As an introvert, I need an outlet which is this blog, and my art. My writing, and my art, the things I create, that is the very essence of Pooks. Pooks is a creator, and a messenger. And whatever that message is, isn’t complete until I’m dead. Capiche?! I will leave my mark in this world, and my writing and my art is a part of that message.
Getting back on track, I did manage to find my keys though, 2 hours later after the time I was too drop my kids off at Merrymount. That being AFTER I tore the interior of my house apart, making a huge mess, then cleaning it all back up. Actually, I was going to give up, and decided to give the laundry pile one more shot. So when I was about to throw some clothes into the washer, I found my keys in the pocket of the sweater I was wearing the night before. Go figure. So the moral of all that chaos is…don’t throw your keys in the laundry pile!!
Monday I had dinner at this new person in my life, whom I can proudly say is now my boyfriend. He’s an amazing cook. One evening he made me deer steak, salad, fiddler heads, and a double baked potato. Another evening he made me a very cheesy omelette. and another evening we had pasta.
Anyways…Monday! That was Victoria Day here in Canada. So we planned to go see the fireworks at the Fanshawe Conservation Area. We were a bit late, but the walk there and back was amazing. We seen the fireworks from a distance, seen fireworks along our walk through the countryside, outskirts of London. We shared ghost stories. And when there was some kind of animal in the bush, he kept me safe. He scared it off, whatever it was. Our walk gave us plenty of time to talk and learn about each-other. It was awesome. Near the end of it, we lied down by the Thames River and gazed at the stars. It was an awesome night, and I look forward to more hikes and adventures with him.
Tuesday… there was no Leads appointment this week. That is next week.
I went to the New School of Colour, and guess what?!! I finished my oil painting!! So yes, my art will be in Up with Art this year. Just when I thought otherwise. Things have a funny way of working out, don’t they? But I guess my name was already on the list as a confirmed artist, so I could have submitted an old piece, and still would have been in the show. However, when it comes to big exhibitions like Up with Art, or the Twitter Art Exhibit, I would much rather submit something new. So yaaaay! It’s in! Up with Art, June 20th, 2015. 6pm – 11pm at The Palace Theatre!! Tickets are $40 in advance, or $50 at the door!! And as our Fearless Leader, of the New School of Colour, would say; “Be there! Or be square!” Haha! http://www.upwithart.ca
Anyways, this week was the last session of the New School of Colour for awhile. Our facilitator is going on vacation. So to all the artists, volunteers, and the facilitator, enjoy your break! See ya June 9th!
As for regarding all my babble about volunteers last week. A fellow artist, and former facilitator gave me an idea, and that was to co-facilitate the New School of Colour with her during the summer. During the months of July and August. Since she’ll be working, she suggested alternating between her and I. That sounds like a fabulous idea!! Anyways, she said she’d speak to the executive director of The Ark, and the facilitator of the New School of Colour. Hmm…maybe it is time for Pooks to step up so to speak. We shall see…
Within the week somewhere, a friend and I had dinner at our other friends apartment. He made us garlic and ham fettuccine alfredo. It was delish. And afterwards, of coarse, we had a couple games of dice. I am in fact the Dice Queen ya know? Haha! Just kidding. I think we all won a game each that night.
Wednesday was my sons 10th birthday. I cannot believe it’s been 10 years. No matter what, I am one very proud mama. So yeah, I hope he had an awesome birthday!
Thursday, I got to meet a couple of my man’s friends. They were funny. Before we sat down, chilled and had a couple beers, my man surprised me with a bouquet of white roses. I was just so in awe that he thought of me while we were apart. Anyways, while the men talked and joked around, I just giggled. They were funny together. After they left, it was dinner and movie….and some adult explicit content that I’ll keep private. Haha! But yeah, Thursday we agreed to officially be a couple in a relationship. I really like him. He really likes me, and yeah. I actually have a boyfriend. 🙂 I guess he’s had a secret crush on my since a friend of ours daughters first birthday. Thanks to that friend, and her daughter, otherwise we would have never met, and wouldn’t have kept crossing each-others paths. I mean, there was that birthday…then I’d run into him at Sunfest, then we met at Tim Hortons…then the LTC bus ( which was when I gave him my number and things kind of went forward from then on).
I couldn’t be happier. He truly is amazing. We have a similar taste in music. He plays bass. He can cook. He can grow plants. He can build houses. He even used to draw. He’s so talented in various areas. But I think what really drew us together was our love of being out in nature, and hiking. He’s adventurous and wild. He’s a family man. He comes from a huge family. I love the way he talks about his mother. All good things. She sounds like a wonderful woman.
Anyways, we have future plans to hike some trails, possibly go fishing, going to a baseball game, etc etc. He even plans to attend Up with Art. That is so awesome that he is going to be there to support me.
So yeah, things are good. I’m enjoying life.
Today I handed in my painting at the Unity Project. So everything is all good for Up with Art. I even went shopping for my sons birthday gift, as I will be seeing my children again tomorrow.
Anyways, I think that is all I will write today. Thank you for reading! – Pooks
“I have found that if you love life, life will love you back.”- Arthur Rubinstein
I don’t really have much to share this week. Just some thoughts here and there, I don’t know. Maybe they will add up. We’ll see.
I had a good visit over the weekend with my children. My daughter and I get artsy a lot. I guess I feel it is important as a parent to encourage her creativity. I mean, she told me that she’s the only student that takes interest in art in her class. The only artist. That is saddening. So I feel that it is my role to keep her inspired, and creating art so that this fucked up system doesn’t rob her of that, and try to direct her else where, when her passion is in art.
I think it’s cute that she takes pride in being a “weirdo” like mommy. She has that fearlessness to be silly, and just be herself. She calls me her star. So that’s pretty cool that I am making such a huge impact on this little person. I’m inspiring her.
For the last couple of weeks, my kids keep asking me if I’m famous. Haha! I joke around and answer, “Yeah, everybody knows me!” Other times I answer with; “I am known as Pooks the artist and writer.” I wouldn’t call it fame though. I’m not rich and glamorous. Heck, I write this blog for free. As for my art, I do sell some pieces, but not enough to make a living. A portion of what I make is to give back to the Ark Aid Street Mission & the New School of Colour, or I donate my art to fundraisers. The goal is leave my mark, to create a ripple effect. A message. To be remembered after I’m gone, and to hopefully make some kind of difference in this fucked up world. It’s not about money.
Speaking of money, I got a notice from my co-op that I owe $40. Ugh! Money money money. People are always asking for more money. It’s annoying. Especially when realistically there isn’t enough floating around physically, and yet, people always want more. No matter what, you’re in debt. We’re all fucked, yet we keep supporting this stupid system. As for my co-op, they fear the co-op has maybe 8 years or so before the government fucks us over. If you were really that concerned, you’d get involved with the community that is fighting against Capitalism. Heck, there was an event held yesterday at the Aeolian Hall specifically about Co-Ops and Capitalism. How much you want to bet that no member of this co-op even went to this event? Even when their head office is plunked in a community that is trying very hard to make some positive changes. I was considering it, but the time collided with the New School of Colour, and this sensitive little empathetic peach needs her art time damn it! So given a choice, art will always win with me. It heals, empowers, and gives me a voice in a very symbolic way. People tend to understand symbols better than they do each-other when it comes to communication. Art is power, thank the University for showing me that.
So yeah, no idea what I owe arrears for. But I’ll eventually take care of it. Just not really in a social mood, especially regarding something as utterly ridiculous as money. I’ll take care of it when I’m motivated, but right now I just think it’s stupid. It’s all bullshit. You people are silly.
There’s more important things to be concerned about. Which reminds me about this goal setting thing at Leads for our next module. It’s like I’m expected to want money. Want to make money. Make more money. Why? I hate it. My goals aren’t the same as the average person. There is a deeper meaning, a deeper purpose. I’m expected to be selfish. Yet I’m the kind of person that asks for fuck all. But I’m supposed to want to buy and consume. Love material things.
I guess you can say I give up trying to fit in a system that doesn’t want me in it to begin with. An annishanaabe woman is considered “inferior” in this world, so why the fuck should I try to cooperate? I mean, no one in this city freakin hires me anyways. Not to mention, we just keep losing more and more jobs, that doesn’t really help. So I might as well just do my own thing. Let me be, and stop pressuring me to be something I’m not. To conform into a system that thinks I’m not worthy. No thanks. I see why a lot of natives often just create their own jobs, and businesses. Following the herd is just unrealistic.
Anyways, I was thinking that maybe I should go on hiatus for awhile from this blog. There are trolls that just follow to criticize, not to mention, my obsessive ex that just won’t fuck off. He still stalks me here, and I’m quite tired of it. I don’t know what I have to say or do for him to get the point that Caski and Pooks are over. I mean, during my visits my kids will mention things from this blog, that they normally wouldn’t know had it not be for this blog, and their father stalking me online. We have been separated since 2009/2010. My life is none of his business anymore.
I don’t know. We’ll see how if I feel like writing next week or not. But lately, I feel less and less like writing. Maybe I just need a vacation from my blog, and live a little more privately. – Pooks
“To be left alone is the most precious thing one can ask of the modern world.”- Anthony Burgess
Honestly, I did not want to write today. But here I am writing anyways. It is just something I have to do. I can’t really explain it, but it is a part of what I am. A passion I can’t let slide no matter how depressed I may be feeling. It is a part of my purpose.
So now you know depression is the issue here. I didn’t want to write and just be a total downer. I’m not one to burden others with my shit. In person, as far as you know; “I’m fine.”
I guess a lot has hit me all at once over the holidays. A supposed best-friend rejects and kicks me to the curb just before Christmas for being “too offensive”. For being too honest. I guess people only say they respect and want honesty until they actually get it.
But then again, this is a person that has flat out told me she doesn’t like and only tolerates this other artist that paints hockey logos. Or as I referred to as the cock-eyed red head. But on Monday, there she is pretending to be all buddy buddy with her. Wow! Bravo! Someone should totally nominate this woman for an Oscar Award. Her acting is astounding! Too bad this other person isn’t aware of her bullshit. I kinda feel bad she’s being played like that, even though me and this “cock eyed red head” did have our own issues in the past.
I personally would not be able to do that. Live a lie like that. Lying to myself and others. Seems like a shameful, deceitful way to live. But than again, I have come to the realization that not only are majority of the people cowards, but they are also fake ass people pleasers. They are not true to themselves. They are so concerned what the “others” will think about what they say, do, even appear. Clones. People mimicking people’s expectations. Sheep, just following the herd. Cowards that are just constantly lying to themselves. They come off as so rehearsed, saying the same lame catch phrases repeatedly for approval. Do you even know who the fuck you are? Like, seriously, deep down. I doubt it. People waste so much time kissing each-others asses their heads get lost up there. I guess I’m realizing just how rare genuine authentic people really are. How rare I am.
Anyways, maybe it’s karma. Even though I don’t normally believe in karma. I “unfriended” her spontaneously on FB in the past, but I at least gave an explanation and reason. I didn’t even get that. Just a cold shoulder, and a nose in the air. In the past, I did so so that she wasn’t caught in the middle of the drama between the “cock eyed red head” and I. If anything, I was trying to protect her from the drama and bullshit. But in this recent case, this other person isn’t even on FB, the person I was ranting about for snapping at me and making an unnecessary scene for sharing ideas. I guess small minds can’t comprehend that many ideas, they can only discuss gossip about people. Maybe I’ve just outgrown that crowd. Anyways, I was “unfriended” for venting. Wow, that is just fuckin dumb. This clearly shows, I need to make better friends.
Onto the other shit that hit me all at once, such as being ganged up on by fellow Idle No More members for bringing up an issue that affects and reflects on us all. I mean, if the person you steal from is aware that you are apart of Idle No More, yeah, that behavior will reflect on the whole movement. Perhaps I was hoping that whomever stole the 50 flags from the International Indigenous Unity Flag artist would do the honorable thing and either return the flags, or pay for them. It was a long shot hoping it would reach whomever was responsible. But the online bullying attack really put a damper on any hope I had for the movement, for a revolution. Just to see and experience first hand how easily they turn on their own, wow. That was devastating.
The troll on twitter calling me a thief, hobo and tramp. Rude remarks instantly piss me off. Just ask my ex, he’s a pro at verbal abuse, and he wonders why I won’t take him back. Haha! It pisses me off more so coming from strangers that don’t even know me personally, not that my ex really knows me either and he’s always shooting his mouth off. So who the fuck is he to judge? Ya know? Not only that, but I am so fed up with sexism and discrimination, I get enough of that chauvinistic bullshit from my abusive ex, thank you very much!
Which brings me to another point that’s got me down lately, my children. Not seeing them over the holidays. Not seeing them for two straight weeks. I can’t help but feel blue as the time drags on. Supposedly my visit is scheduled for this upcoming Saturday. We’ll see. Excuse me if I just feel very pessimistic lately. This change affects our schedule we had going. Technically I should have seen them on the 3ird, but I didn’t, obviously. No idea why not. I mean, Merrymount was back open and running. So what’s the fuckin excuse?!
Anyways, as you may recall the personal research I was doing regarding the brain, and communication. Yeah, fuck that! I find myself becoming more withdrawn, not really wanting to engage or interact with people. People cannot be trusted. Everyone will just fuckin hurt you and stomp all over you. That is my conclusion to that.
Sure I attended the New School of Colour on Monday, but I wasn’t there to socialize. I only showed up to paint. Prior to making an appearance, I was saying to myself; “To go, or not to go. That is the question. That is always the question.” It took a lot just to motivate myself to leave the house.
That question pops up a lot lately, especially when it comes to events. “Do I really want to surround myself with people?” Not really.
Other than all that, I have been painting more at home. It temporarily takes my mind off things. Plus since I haven’t landed an actual job in London, I’ve been here for over a decade. I figure why bother trying to mold into your world? Your world sucks. Besides, it’s just not happening. So I might as well just do what I do, and that is art. I’m at a fuck-it-all point when it comes to society and the people in it. I’m just gonna do what the fuck I’m good at, fuck society, and their lame rules and expectations. I will paint and paint until my stone cold heart is content.
So 2015 has started off rather dark, but perhaps it’s only necessary. Pain tends to be what transforms a person. For better or for worse, I don’t know. One thing I can say is, no matter what, I’m going to keep it real and stick to honesty and truth. – Pooks
“The high-minded man must care more for the truth than for what people think.”- Aristotle
NOW FOR THE VISUALS…
I’ve been kinda procrastinating on blogging today. I don’t know why. It’s just one of those days where I think I don’t have anything to write. But as usual, type it out anyways.
Umm… I can’t really say I’ve been up to too much lately. I mean, last week I have been calling Merrymount over and over, until I got that all sorted out regarding my visits with my children. Turns out my ex has finally contacted them, and I have a visit arranged for this weekend. Pick up and drop offs at Merrymount, thank goodness!
It did kinda piss me off when my ex made that remark; “they will be in touch, if your still interested in your visits.” As I said before, I’ve always been interested in my visits with my kids. It’s HIM and his nonsense that I am not interested in.
Anyway, I didn’t book any days to be a floater at The Arts Project this month. I kinda wanted to focus on my personal issue here, and get my visits back in order. Not only that. But also put more time and energy into my job searching. I missed 2 more opportunities for interviews last week. My priority was focus on getting my visits back, and until I got that back in order, then I’d be okay to move forward with interviews. Not only that, but one interview was scheduled on November 5th, and I think being a part of the Million Mask March was more important. Even though the media disregards the cause, the voices of the people and the message we were trying to convey, and only focusing on “vandalism” (washable marker and chalk). Never listen to the media, they twist shit around. Reporters are puppets of the monetary fascist system, and only tell you what the elitists pay them to tell you, lies. I think you’re better off listening to your fellow people, the ones that actually live it.
Speaking of media, I’ve noticed that the media is focusing a lot lately on the negatives of EOA, East of Adelaide neighborhood. Suddenly they are focusing on stabbings, and fires, and where do they take place? EOA. I’m positive this shit happens in other parts of the city as well, even in the fancy suburbs, but it just goes unreported. Back to giving EOA a bad rep, inducing fear, even though the Old East Village was nominated and won as one of the Great Places in Canada. Congrats by the way! That neighborhood saved and changed my life. I couldn’t be more grateful for the Old East Village, the Ark Aid Street Mission, and Jeremy Jeresky for creating the New School of Colour. I love that community, my home away from home. It’s a place that accepts me, and that is hard to find in our society, believe me. Even though, my views on things are different from their own, I appreciate that a staff member at The Ark had said I was “exceptional”. That meant a lot. I’m accepted, even though it’s obvious, I’m not “normal”.
Anyways, I kinda got side tracked speaking of the media. But back to other things, such as my week. and job searching. I am a bit nervous. I scored another job interview for tomorrow, and I’m thinking about cancelling my Leads appointment to go to it. I could use the money after my crazy Halloween. I need to feed my kids during our visits, and there’s this camera I want on kijiji. It’s just like the one I had, until sand jammed the lens. Anyway, I’ve been designated as the New School of Colour’s photographer to document the programs activity. So an actual camera would come in handy rather than using my cellphone which images tend to blur sometimes. It’s funny, and I can laugh at it. But I know I can do better when it comes to photography. My ex sold me a camera a month or two ago, and it’s crap. Supposedly the wire was to charge it, but it didn’t, and the battery has no charger. So it’s dead, and that was a waste of money. Doubt I’ll find a charger for the battery it takes in any pawn shop. Ugh! Never again will I get something from such an unreliable source.
Anyway, since Christmas is around the corner, I don’t want to be empty handed. Even though my friends and family are pretty good, and understanding. My presence means more than presents. I’m grateful for that, but it would be nice to be able to give something. I could create art as gifts, but for my children, it would be nice to give them something they actually want. Although my son rarely plays with his toys, it’s becoming more of a collection thing.
I’ll say it again, I am nervous about this interview. Just job interviews period. Perhaps it’s the idea of sitting there, knowing that the other person is sitting there judging me. It’s very uncomfortable. And I cannot stand being put on the spot like that. I’m not really used to talking about myself, so it gets kinda awkward when people insist that I do. I’m always the listener, the observer. But whatever, go, give it a shot. If it goes well, great! If it doesn’t, at least ask on what improvements can be made during an interview so I can succeed in whatever interview comes next.
I normally don’t get this far. Actually attending the interviews. I can book interviews no problem, but attending them? I’d chicken out. Just think about my kids, go for their sake. If I want these visits, I need to go.
Maybe if my art sells in St. Thomas, I can buy myself a camera with that.
I should probably seriously consider getting funding for clothes from Ontario Works. My worker did say I was eligible for that. If I get this job, I will need to dress more to their standards, because majority of my wardrobe is tom-boyish. Baggy jeans, big sweaters, loose t-shirts, hats and tuques. Haha! I’ll need to dress like a fashionable “feminine” sales associate. So yeah, I should probably take advantage of that while I can.
Another thing, it’s starting to get cold out. I just want to shrivel up like a snail or slug without the goo. So motivating myself to step out into the cold becomes a challenge. I want to stay where it’s warm. Not stand out in the cold waiting around at bus stops. Another struggle I will have to overcome. Embrace the cold. Embrace the oncoming of winter.
It’s funny because every year I tell myself I’m gonna embrace it, but never do. I say I want to build a snow fort, or snow man, go sliding, go skating…etc etc, do things that will make me enjoy the winter. But no, as soon as I feel the cold, I’m like, fuck that shit! I’m going inside! Haha! Winter is coming, wither I like it or not. Hopefully this year I will make more of an effort.
Anyway, amazing how I thought I didn’t have much to write about, and voila, here are all these paragraphs. Surprises me each time. Don’t think about it, just do it.
Wish me luck on my interview! I’ll need it. It’s been awhile, so I’m kinda rusty. If I don’t get the job, I’ll try to stay optimistic about it, and view it as practice. First one in a long time. Fingers crossed. I may have to give up my Friday visits, but I’m gonna do my best to keep my sleep over weekends. Also, try to make it so I don’t have to work on Monday evenings, colliding with the New School of Colour. I need my art time. Like seriously, that is my healthy form of ventilation. My therapy. It’s good for my soul. Especially for an introvert that doesn’t express emotional things vocally. I’m more private that way. I express myself in silence, through writing and art. There’s no interference, and expression is a lot more powerful that way I find.
Thank you for reading. Sorry for the anticipation and suspense if you were waiting. It’s okay, I’m alive! I think I’ll leave it at that, and yeah…until next week, coffee cheers! – Pooks